


Date With An Angel

by flutterby_cupcake_26



Series: Fifty First Dates [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Destiel - Freeform, M/M, Mild S&M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-14
Updated: 2015-05-31
Packaged: 2018-02-04 15:08:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 109,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1783438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flutterby_cupcake_26/pseuds/flutterby_cupcake_26
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Companion piece to my other fic, Fifty First Dates. Dean's perspective after Castiel convinces him to go out, not knowing that Castiel is wiping his memory after every date.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Negotiations

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, as specified in the summary, this is a companion story to my other one, Fifty First Dates. As such, some dialogue repeats, and the story lines follow similar lines (except when Dean and Castiel are separated, obviously) I decided to write this one because I feel like there's a lot going on with Dean that Castiel's not aware of in the other story. I hope you enjoy it!

It’s funny how things settle into a routine. Even in a job like mine, you find yourself following the same patterns, doing the same things, even without meaning to.  
  
Like how Sammy’s suddenly decided, in some latest health-kick maybe, that whenever we’re not working a job, or we’re just doing research, that he’s going to sleep at ten every night. And he’s stuck to it, every night. I wish I could switch off so easy, but I’m lucky if I sleep at all.  
  
Luckily, my best friend is a being who can’t sleep, because his angel mojo means he never has to. So we’ve started our own routine of waiting for Sam to go to sleep and we drink beer and shoot the shit, talk about all kinds of things. I’ve been trying to get Cas talking about all kinds of things he finds strange about humans. He’s such a kooky guy, but he’s good for comedy. I loved him talking about salad. He was all “I don’t understand why Sam looks for various uncooked vegetables to cut them up and mix them together just to eat them separately. It seems an odd practice.” Cas is comedy gold.  
  
Tonight, he’s been talking about human mating rituals - his words, he means dating - and his opinion is, well, I guess it’s an angel thing.  
  
“Humans have very complex mating rituals, I’ve noticed over the years. You all like to believe that you’re the more advanced generation, but it’s not true. There are repetitions that occur, it just depends on which style is more acknowledged.” See? Total angel thing. I think he’s told me the divine equivalent of _your generation didn’t invent sex, you know_. But Cas is just getting warmed up. “I don’t fully understand where the distinctions come from, but I know some people prefer to announce themselves as a couple, and eventually declare themselves betrothed. And once they’ve married, they finally have intercourse.”  
  
I was not expecting him to say that. I nearly spat my beer out, then sucked in a breath and ended up almost choking instead. He barely let me recover before he carried on talking.  
  
“And there are people like yourself, who will have sex with several partners in a row, who see it completely separate to a relationship. Who don’t even seem interested in a relationship.”  
  
So … wait, does Cas think I’m not interested in dating? I’ve dated before. I’ve had relationships before. There’s been girls I’ve wanted to date who haven’t been interested. Not that I still regret not banging Jo Harvelle. I totally do, she was amazing. And did Cas just call me a whore? He paused for a moment, so I guess he was just letting that sink in.  
  
‘Then I’ve noticed, there are those who seek a partner. They may be with their partner for one night, or a week, maybe even a year, but they’re the ones unsatisfied with their lot. So after the night, or the week, however long, they look for another partner, someone who will fill the void they believe that they have. That’s what I’ve noticed about humans approaches to courting.’  
  
That actually sounds more like me. But explaining that to Castiel feels like it’d be more effort than it’s worth. I feel a little bit like I have to defend humans right now, probably because somehow, and I don’t know how, but somehow this feels personal.  
  
‘Sometimes it’s not that black and white, Cas. And there’s all kinds of relationships out there. It depends on who you are, how the person you’re with defines themselves, what you’re trying to get out of the situation, whether you’re on the same page. Some people get married to the people they thought were going to be one night stands. Some people never get married.’  
  
He did that slow blink, head tilt, squint thing he does. Does he think all humans stay the same, forever? Is that what normal angels are like? Because Cas changes a lot, man. He’s practically human himself. He just doesn’t realise it yet.  
  
‘I don’t think I understand, Dean.’  
  
Great, now I have to explain something really basic like it’s a fucking math formula. Why can’t Sam handle Cas when he’s like this? He never seems to struggle with any of Sam’s concepts.  
  
‘Well, like, you mentioned me. And you’d be right, sometimes, most times, sex is just sex. Okay, it’s not just sex, because it’s sex, you know? It’s one of my favourite things to do, and most of the time, I’m just looking for someone willing to join in, to enjoy it for what it is, no expectations that I’d even be there in the morning. And I’m lucky Cas, there’s a lot of women out there who are okay with it, so long as you spell it out. But I’ve had relationships too. I was with Cassie for a few years. I keep going back to Lisa. And when I was with both of them, sex with anyone else was off the cards. Sex with the two of them was off the cards until they made it clear it was what they wanted. And I was happy to wait, Cas, because they meant something. And if it took a whole week for them to decide to sleep with me, it was fine.’  
  
I meant that last bit as a joke. Of course I woulda waited longer for Cassie and Lisa, if they wanted that. I don’t think Cas got that, because he settled on something else I’d said. I wish I knew what he’s getting at.  
  
‘What made you decide to treat Cassie and Lisa differently?’  
  
I laughed, and took a sip of beer, Cas watching me closely as I did, leaning forward in his seat a little. He’s getting really intense … oh man, he has a girl, doesn’t he? He’s met some human and he wants dating advice and he’s smart enough to know not to ask me for any straight up. I wish I could make it any easier on him, the poor guy, but it’s just not that black and white.  
  
‘You just know, Cas, like, deep in your gut. When you’re with them, it’s different, and you can feel that it’s different for them too. It’s, I don’t know, intuition. You just, you know you can talk about it, and they’d say they want the same thing too. Or maybe not even that, maybe you both love the same music or the same food, or you’ve been friends forever and somehow you keep thinking of something more with them. And you give a crap about hearing about their day and wanna learn stuff about them. Trivial shit that doesn’t really mean anything, not in the big picture, but somehow make their day better. Which side of the bed they sleep on, which hand they write with, favourite colours, how they take their coffee. Whatever. And normally you wouldn’t care how someone you’d just screwed took their coffee, but the one you wanna wake up next to the next day, and the day after that? It’s good to know if you need to get creamer in the morning, you know?’  
  
He sat there for a second, and I knew he was taking it all in. Good, maybe we can get off this topic because I’m starting to feel uncomfortable. I hope he got enough out of that to figure out what to do about this chick, whatever the issue is.  
  
‘How do you take your coffee, Dean?’  
  
Did … did I hear him right? Is he practicing for some chick? Or … I found myself laughing, nervously. No, he’s definitely checking out what to do about this chick. But he shouldn’t ask that sort of thing until he knows for sure he has an in. Maybe I didn’t make that clear. I patted his shoulder in a total bro kind of way, and tried to calm him down. Boy’s going to chase the tail away like this.  
  
‘Don’t worry about it, Cas. And you don’t have to ask me, you don’t even know how to make coffee, right? You don’t have to learn how I have it.’  
  
Just this chick, Cas that’s all you have to worry about. He looked at my hand, like it had more answers, like somehow my hand on his arm meant we could communicate in some other way, or even, I don’t know, he’d get some kind of magic strength from me. And he shifted in his seat slightly, looking really uncomfortable. It can’t be me touching him, we hug all the time. So what’s got him acting so … oh. Maybe the ‘or’ was right. Shit, is Cas hitting on me? My mouth started moving before my head caught up.  
  
‘Well, gee Cas … I mean … you know … I haven’t really - because it’s not … is that what you … you know?’  
  
He shook his head, like he had neck ache or something. Like he’s realising I don’t like him back and he can’t take it. Crap, am I about to lose Cas? Because you know, he’s my best friend, I don’t want to lose him. I let go of him while I tried to think about how the hell I get out of this conversation without him turning around and leaving and never coming back. I can’t have him leave. Maybe the best way to deal with this, is to act like him. I’ll be totally literal, and take him at face value.  
  
‘Black. Strong. Sugar depends on how many nights I’ve already gone without sleep.’  
  
He did that thing where his eyes narrowed for a second. So it’s okay for him to give it out and not me?  
  
‘Dean, I-‘  
  
‘I know what you meant, Cas. So, what are you asking for here?’ I cut him off, and dropped the bullshit. Because maybe I’m still reading him wrong and he needs to grow some balls and admit to whoever this chick is. He stared at me for a moment, like … well, like he’s seen a ghost. He’s gone the angel equivalent of pale. And then he spoke, boldly and confidently, like he was standing up to me. Did I go into one of those moods again?  
  
‘I would like to experience a date. Or a series of dates.’  
  
‘So you want me to hook you up with someone?’ Is that his problem? He’s feeling self-conscious or something? He thinks I could talk him up? Hell yeah, I can talk my boy up!  
  
‘No, I don’t wish for a “hook up” Dean. I would like to experience a series of dates with someone who you described. Someone I have a friendship with, who-‘  
  
‘Who you can make coffee for?’ I get it. Oh, I get it. He looks so eager, like he’s done the hard work now and my saying that was basically agreeing. God, what do I do? I’m still trying to work this out. I need to stop this conversation, somehow. But there’s only one way I can think of. ’Sure Cas. Make me coffee in the morning. We’ll work the rest out later.’  
  
He smiled so big I thought I was going to see some Grace leak out. Crap, am I leading him on? At least I guess, I solved one mystery. I’m the chick he wants to hit on. I just gotta work out what to do about that kind of information. I stood up and stretched, and could feel his eyes on me. Is he … is he fucking me in his head or something right now?  
  
‘Night, Cas.’ I muttered, flopping on my bed and closing my eyes. I heard him shuffle off into the bathroom and turn the shower on, and I took the chance to get rid of my clothes, and crawl under the covers, even though I knew with Cas saying what he’s said, and hinting even more, there was no way I was going to sleep at all.

*

You ever do that thing where you know someone real well, and don’t think much about it, and then they say something or do something and it’s all you can think about? I can’t stop thinking about Cas talking about being into me, in his roundabout way. I keep finding myself looking at him, trying to work out … I don’t know what. Whether I was reading him wrong? Whether I could feel that way back? How I can get out of this? I honestly don’t know.  
  
I tried to picture it. Like, dating Cas. Letting him touch me, trying to kiss him. I felt weird, like I was watching some really questionable porn. But at the same time, I don’t know-  
  
‘DEAN! LOOK OUT!’  
  
I slammed on the brakes and twisted the wheel hard, narrowly avoiding whacking the Impala into the back of a ten-tonne truck. Shit. Shitshitshit.  
  
‘Maybe I should drive?’ Sam put out there. Normally I’d tell him to go screw himself, but I think he’s right. It was my fault, Cas is in the back, staring at the back of my head. And I was looking at him, in the rearview. And I forgot that my Baby was at stake here.  
  
‘Yeah, sure. Sorry.’  
  
Sam gave me a judgemental look.  
  
‘Maybe you need to sleep it off, man?’  
  
Maybe I need to beat one out. I shrugged, and climbed over as Sam ran around the car. And when I looked in the side mirror, I caught Cas’ eye. He was staring at me, again. But this time, I couldn’t look away. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking, and I really hoped he couldn’t tell what I was thinking. Which was nowhere near wondering if Cas’ mouth was soft like a girl’s or if angels knew how to kiss. Well, okay, Anna did … never mind.  
  
We got to a new town, and booked into another crappy motel, and I kinda threw myself into researching the case Sammy had found. Even after Sam turned in for his ten o’clock bedtime I was still forcing myself to focus on the information in front of me. But Castiel sat in the chair beside mine again, and I got distracted. Again. There was so much tension coming from the guy, I ended up opening with a dumb joke.  
  
‘So, did you get me coffee?’  
  
I looked up, and saw him frowning, like he was about to get real upset. Oh, dammit Cas, take a joke!  
  
‘Forgive me, Dean. I could find some, if it’s important to you.’  
  
‘No, it’s good.’  
  
‘I know you like a strong black coffee, sugar content increasing as your sleep deprivation builds.’  
  
I had to smile when he said that. He was actually paying attention, huh? Enough to rephrase what I said into Cas speak. And talking of sleep, I had to check Sam definitely was. Joking about coffee is one thing, but moving on to what that means? I don’t want Sam listening in.  
  
‘So, say we’re on a date, what would we be doing?’  
  
Castiel shrugged back, like he didn’t understand the question. I realised that it was the first time either of us had said out loud about it being us on a date. Romantically. No wonder he’s so awkward.  
  
‘We would be on a date.’  
  
‘Yeah, Cas, I got that. What would you want to do?’  
  
‘Date you.’  
  
Well, at least he finally grew the balls to say it, though I still don’t know what he means by that. I don’t think he does. Which one of his examples applied to him? Like, he’s not expecting me to marry him, just to get laid, is he? And picturing kissing him is one thing, and that’s weird enough. But sex? Sex with Cas? I can’t go there right now. Besides, I get the feeling that something else is making him uncomfortable. I don’t think he’s studied humans dating patterns as much as he thinks he has. Or maybe he missed the point?  
  
‘Do you not know what people do on dates?’ Castiel shook his head. ‘Well, it depends on who’s on the date, but most people like to go to a fancy restaurant, dressed up real nice, and they talk while they eat, share a bottle of wine, get to know each other, that kind of thing.’  
  
‘We already know each other,’ he pointed out, staring at my chest. Is he checking me out? Or is he hinting that he wants the physical stuff and that whole crap last night was a way of getting me to agree to … yeah I still can’t go there, not fully.  
  
‘Well, some people go to movies and spend the entire time making out with each other, ignoring the entire reason they’re there. That’s always fun,’ I laughed, remembering the time I snuck into a movie when I was fifteen with a girl. It was an R movie, and we were staying at Bobby’s at the time and he freaked out when I got back at two in the morning but it was worth it for all the fooling around we did.  
  
‘Would you take me to the movies one time, maybe?’  
  
‘One time? How many dates are you expecting, Cas?’  
  
‘How many are you willing to give me?’  
  
I have no idea. I haven’t thought this far ahead. And the way he asked that, the eagerness in his voice alone … he’s expecting something long-term, isn’t he? He’s staring at me again, at my face this time. He’s expecting more than I can give. I need to be honest with the guy, because this is getting way out of my hands.  
  
‘One date, Cas. Let’s take it one date at a time.’  
  
He looked like I’d hit him then, he turned away and if angels could cry, I’m sure he would’ve. I didn’t mean … I meant … can’t he just let me come around to this idea in my own time? I’m not saying one date only, I’m saying one date, definitely. If we work, then of course there’d be more. But if not then at least we can still be best friends, you know? But he’s acting like I shut him down. At some point on our date, I’m going to have to clue him in to the idea that self-confidence is sexy as hell.


	2. Chapter 2

‘Hey, I gotta take this,’ Sam grunted at me as we left a diner, waving his phone in my face. I saw the screen lit up, and Garth’s name on it.  
  
‘Sure. I’ll start the car,’ I shrugged, and climbed in as he walked away. And as I shut the car door, I saw Cas flash in. He’s been a little absent lately, except at night when he just wants to talk about dating. Like, can we stop talking about it and get on with it already? What’s he even waiting for?  
  
‘Hey, Cas. How’s it going?’  
  
‘Paintball.’ He stated, looking me in the eye through the rear view. Right, he’s paintball.  
  
‘What?’  
  
‘Our date. We should participate in paintball.’ He declared. Does he even know what he’s saying? I was just hoping we could drive somewhere, sink a few beers, chill out, just spend time together. It’d be easier.  
  
‘I don’t know Cas, it’s meant to be a team effort. It’s not really a date thing.’  
  
‘Oh. I thought you’d be interested. You could shoot things and no one would die.’  
  
I laughed, because, well, its pretty awesome that he’s thought it through that much. Is that why he’s been so distant and taken so freaking long?  
  
‘Okay, fine, Cas, we’ll paintball. Just you and me.’  
  
He smiled in that dopey way he does, just as Sam climbed in the car. He looked over at me, as I was looking at Cas in the rearview. I made myself turn to him as he started speaking.  
  
‘Hey, what’re you guys talking about?’ He smiled, and already I felt stuck. I mean, Cas was suggesting it for right now, wasn’t he?  
  
‘Cas wants to try paintball. I figure, we’re done with the djinn, why not?’  
  
‘Oh, cool, I’ll book us in somewhere. Great idea, Cas!’ Sam turned around and grinned at Cas. Great, Cas will probably tell him it’s a date and then that’s going to get messy. Sam would start that whole anal ranting thing at me, and I’d have to pretend I care. So I bluffed.  
  
‘Uh, I think Cas booked something already, right, Cas? And there were only two slots going.’  
  
‘What?’ Sam whined. ‘Who did you go with, Cas? I’ll call and try and get a third.’  
  
‘Sammy, suck it up, maybe next time.’ I looked up at the mirror and winked at Cas. He stared back in that way that makes me think he’s picturing me naked.  
  
‘Well, why do you automatically get the second ticket?’  
  
‘Because Cas likes me more. Don’t worry Sam, we’ll drop you at the hotel, you can watch porn or whatever, and I’ll show our good angel buddy how to pulverise nerds with paint pellets.’  
  
Sam put his bitchface on, but I knew he wasn’t going to argue any more. So I drove back to the motel and waited for him to climb out.  
  
‘Bye, then.’ I said when he didn’t immediately take the hint.  
  
‘Thanks Dean, really, way to make me feel unwanted.’  
  
I shrugged. What did he expect from me right then?  
  
‘You are unwanted right now. We’ll see you later, okay?’ I looked up again. ‘Cas? You coming up front?’  
  
Sam climbed out and slammed Baby’s door way too hard. I’ll chew him out for that later. But Cas zapped into the seat beside me, not as close as I thought he would. I pulled away from the hotel, waiting for him to start talking. He seemed happy to just be there, and it started to hit me then. We’re on a freaking date. So … am I the guy in this situation? I don’t know how this kind of thing works. I guess I’ll just treat it like Cas and me hanging out and see what happens, right?  
  
‘So, where’s this paintballing gig?’  
  
‘Not too far. I didn’t realise you meant right now, Dean.’ Cas really doesn’t need to plan this stuff any more. He’s putting a hell of a lot of pressure on me right now.  
  
‘Why not? Case is over, you had an idea for our date. What’s to wait for?’  
  
‘Nothing, I just didn’t realise that it would be a case of me sharing an idea and we would instantly do it.’  
  
‘We’ve been talking about this long enough Cas. It’s about damn time, huh?’  
  
Cas went quiet on me, just letting me drive around and work out what the hell we were doing. Maybe I should suggest we do this thing, but don’t call it our date, not now. Not because I don’t wanna, but because I think Cas still has a lot to learn about the whole thing. Maybe he needs to just calm down and let me take charge? I hate not being in charge.  
  
I managed to work out how to get off at the right exit, and head down the dirt path towards the paintball area. He still didn’t say anything, and when I cut the engine and looked at him, he was staring back at me. Because that’s not unnerving.  
  
‘Here we go. Are you ready?’  
  
‘No, but I know you’ll enjoy it.’  
  
I smiled at him, and put a hand on his shoulder. He looked at it rather than look me in the eye. I kinda hate that he’s talked himself into calling this a date when he’s way out of his comfort zone, it means it’s going to suck and then he’ll ride my ass if I say we should leave it, give up. But it’s easier to think all this than to say it.  
  
‘You will too, Cas. Come on, we’d better get in there before all the good pellets are taken.’  
  
‘I may need you to explain the rules. I only said because the pictures-‘  
  
‘It’ll be fine, Cas. Come on.’  
  
I climbed out, and turned around to see him angel mojo out of the car. Okay, he can’t do that during the game.  
  
‘Maybe you shouldn’t use your angel powers for the game. Might be an unfair advantage.’  
  
‘You have the advantage of knowing how to shoot.’  
  
He has a point, but I can’t tell if he’s being bitchy or not. I nodded over to the hut instead, figuring that was where we needed to check in.  
  
‘We need to go in there, right?’  
  
Cas nodded, and followed me in. There was a bored-looking guy behind the desk, who scribbled our names down once I’d paid, not even looking a little bit surprised or confused by Cas’ name. We had to listen to some guy talk about handling guns and wearing their stuff and the rules of the games, and I could feel Cas next to me, not paying attention, staring at me. I kinda knew what the guy was gonna say, but I went with it anyway, checking out the other guys in the room, and the girls, trying to work out who would be better to have in our group. Strategising.  
  
As soon as the guy gave the word, I grabbed the guys I thought were going to be best - and Cas, of course - and started getting a feel for what they could do, how we could strategise. No one seemed to give a crap that I took charge. Especially Cas, who I could almost guarantee had completely spaced out. Yeah, this is so not a date. The other guys were looking at him like he was going to ruin the whole damn thing for us, but I think they trusted me okay when I said we’d give Cas the flag and work around him. They split up to get in position and I pulled Cas towards a nearby building that was small enough to be an outhouse. Stank like it too.  
  
‘You’re keeping hold of the flag, okay? I’m covering you, the guys are the offence. You’ll need to watch for me too, okay? In case someone sneaks up on me. Remember what they said about how to use the gun?’  
  
Cas nodded, like he was hearing it all for the first time. Goddamn angels, man! He looked at the gun unsurely, but he’s shot a gun before, I know he has. And then he looked back up at me with that look in his eyes again. And I decided to have a little fun with him, see how bad I could tease him. So I stepped up real close, put my head next to his … and heard his breath start to hitch, could feel him shaking under the hand I held his arm with. He’s got it bad, don’t he?  
  
‘Don’t think I don’t realise you’re undressing me with your eyes. Focus, okay Cas?’  
  
‘Well, we are on a date.’  
  
Right then was not the time to tell him I wasn’t counting it. His brain was in his underpants.  
  
‘We are. I haven’t forgotten. Just take it easy, okay Cas?’  
  
I gave him a quick hug and moved into my position. The other guys had looked a little pissed off that I wanted to be the defence, not the offence, but I didn’t trust anyone else near Cas. But even from where I stood, face pressed against the door as I looked through the knot in the wood grain, I could feel his eyes raking all over my body. I couldn’t see anyone nearby - and I would know if anyone was, I’m a fucking amazing hunter - so I mocked him a little more. Just to hear him over-react.  
  
‘Don’t think I can’t tell you’re picturing us having sex, Cas.’  
  
‘I wasn’t,’ I could hear him lying. I lifted my gun up, at the ready, like this conversation wasn’t a huge deal.  
  
‘Sure you weren’t. You keep trying to have eye sex with me.’  
  
‘Dean-‘  
  
‘If I wasn’t okay with it, Cas, I wouldn’t be here right now. But there’s time for that. Right now, we should focus. You got the flag?’  
  
‘Yes.’  
  
I will tell him this doesn’t count as a date. Soon. I will. But for now, it’s game on.

*

We nailed the games. The whole afternoon kinda flew by, and it was over before I really knew it. Cas had been right, it was fun to work on my instincts and my shot without carrying the guilt that I killed someone. And all the guys were laughing about how many more bruises they had than each other, so no guilt there either. A couple of the guys wanted to swap numbers, maybe play paintball again, meet up for a beer. I gave them a fake number. I mean, it was cool and all, but we won’t hang around here for long. They finally cleared off, and I walked over to where Cas was leaning against the Impala, staring at me like I was cheating on him. If this was even a date, that wouldn’t be okay!  
  
‘Wanna go grab a beer? Celebrate all the wins?’ I asked as I got nearer, stopping just out of his reach. His bitchface needs to reset.  
  
‘I- yes, that sounds good.’ He’s such a bad liar.  
  
‘You okay there, Cas?’  
  
He seemed to drift off again, like he had all afternoon. Like he was picturing us fucking on the ground. He shook his head and faked a smile.  
  
‘I’m fine Dean. You enjoy beer, so we should go and get a beer.’  
  
He’s not fooling me. Is he jealous?  
  
‘Okay, drop the bullshit, Cas. You don’t want to grab a beer, clearly. What do you want to do? This is your date, too.’  
  
Fuck, I wasn’t going to refer to this as a date. Maybe that’s it, he thinks he’s lost his shot with me. He started talking before I could backpedal.  
  
‘I want to make you happy, Dean.’  
  
I sighed. What kind of non-answer was that?  
  
‘Get in the car, Cas.’  
  
He zapped in, taking advantage of the fact it was just us around, and I took a second to think what to do. Maybe if I just put something out there, and then told him I didn’t think this was a date, but thanks for hanging out with me, that’d work, right? Well, probably not, but I’ll try it.  
  
I climbed in the car, and reached across to grab his neck, and kissed him, glad it was just the two of us in the lot. It was … well, it was a kiss. Like I remember my mom giving my dad when he went to work at the garage. Not like I just met a girl in a bar and she’s a little drunk and I’m a little needy. I guess you’d call it ‘nice’. I pulled away after a few seconds, and he kept his eyes closed, his mouth pinched together like he was expecting me to kiss him again. Okay, moment of truth.  
  
‘Cas?’  
  
‘I love you, Dean.’  
  
I wasn’t expecting that. Does he even know what he just said? I mean, this isn’t even a freaking date! I stared at the steering wheel, rather than look at him. I hope he takes it back. He has to take it back. The silence is stretching out between us though, and I know I have to take charge. I just … how do I handle this?  
  
‘We should go back.’ I said eventually. He didn’t say anything, and the tension in the car was crazy. And he refused to the entire drive home. He can be such a child.  
  
But on the drive, I got thinking, and maybe I just need to book us a separate room from Sam tonight, sit him down, explain how things are for me, let him know that we just need to go slow, take it easy, because if he keeps pushing like this … it’s not going to work. I need to breathe. I waited until I parked in front of our motel to talk to him. He looked like I was going to beat the shit out of him. Not possible, he’s a freaking angel.  
  
‘So, paintball was fun. Thanks, Cas.’  
  
‘It’s okay,’ He sounds like I’m breaking up with him.  
  
‘It was a good date. Beat some I’ve been on.’ Did that come out of my mouth? I didn’t … yeah, I need to let him know how I actually feel about this. But not in the Impala, it feels too exposed.  
  
‘That’s good. That’s what I wanted.’  
  
Yeah, he definitely thinks I’m mad at him, or about to call this off. And it’s not like that. Not for me.  
  
‘Cas?’  
  
‘Yes?’  
  
‘Are you-‘  
  
‘We should go and see Sam.’ He interrupted me before I could even begin suggesting our own room, and flashed out of the car. I stared at the seat he’d just been occupying, like he was just going to reappear and actually listen to me. Is he avoiding me? Did I fuck up in some way? Was it because I actually played paintball, or did he expect me to declare myself in love with him right back?  
  
Cas can be such a high-maintenance woman sometimes.  
  
I could feel myself getting angry, and punched the steering wheel a couple of times. How can he treat me like that? So much for being in fucking love with me! So much for wanting these damn dates! I’m really putting myself out there for him, because I am so not into dudes, and I get this shit back?  
  
I climbed out the car and walked around the motel, stopping by the mulch-ridden pool, and kicking the crap out of the rusting diving board there. I didn’t feel any better though, I felt worse. And God knows what he’s saying to Sam without me there. I’m going to have to go back and make sure he doesn’t tell Sam about today, not beyond the paintball. He owes me that much, at least.


	3. Chapter 3

I woke up feeling like shit. Like I spent all yesterday in a crappy mood and I didn’t find some way to relax afterwards so now I feel extra crappy. You know the feeling? I thought I heard something anyway, and sat up, expecting to see some crappy situation when I finally opened my eyes.

‘Mmm, what time is it?’ I tried to ask Sam, but when I opened my eyes, he wasn’t there. It just Cas in the corner of the room, watching me like I was going to start yelling. Maybe I’d been yelling in my sleep and that scared him. Maybe that was what the fuck woke me up. ‘Great.’

‘Sam’s gone jogging,’ Cas told me, like he wanted a cookie and a gold star. I tried to clear my throat of morning fuzz.

‘Great. Well, while he’s gone, I’m going to grab a shower. Will you be okay?’

‘I’ll be fine, Dean,’ Cas sounded like he was humouring me. I’m not the one all hung up over his butt. But I went into the tiny bathroom anyway, feeling like he was watching me walk. Which was kinda creepy when I just slept in my underpants last night. I turned around at the doorway and made the effort to swallow down this shitty feeling. I mean, it’s Cas, and we’re meant to be best friends.

‘Okay. We can talk about that date once I’m done, if Sam’s still out, right?’

Cas beamed back, like I said he could have his cookie and gold star.

‘Sounds good, Dean, I can’t wait.’

I nodded, and shut the door behind me, feeling slightly out of it as I started running the shower. I still feel pissed. Why do I still feel pissed? I stepped out my underpants anyway, climbing under the flow and letting the lukewarm water slap me with a surprisingly decent force. It felt like it worked through the knots in my back and actually, it de-stressed me a little. I totally get why girls dig this sort of crap, staying under the flow for way too long. I even started singing, hoping Cas couldn’t hear me belting it out. He’d probably make some comment that was meant to be all innocent and would actually just kind of annoy me. It was a pretty good shower. Good enough that I stopped feeling as pissy as I did when I woke up.

I stepped out the bathroom after like, half an hour, only realising just before I did that I didn’t bring any clothes in with me. I knew what was going to happen before I pulled that door open. Cas was going to stare at me like my towel didn’t even exist.

And I was right, his eyes locked on me and followed me around the room, I could almost feel his imagination, the way he was imagining touching my legs, pulling off the towel … yeah, I felt a little uncomfortable. And a little … curious? I mean, maybe it’ll be a good thing, when we do go out, if that ever actually happens. But I can still tease him.

‘Hey, Cas? Eyes up here.’

I went to get my clothes, knowing Cas was probably looking guilty but still staring at my ass, so I dropped my towel and gave him a show as I put them on, still facing the furniture. And then I turned around and he was staring at my phone. Did someone call? I walked over, at sat next to him, drying my hair.

‘Sam’s probably going to be forever on his jog, wanna go get breakfast? I mean, I know you don’t eat, but we could grab Sam some granola after I eat something decent.’

‘Sounds good. Sam won’t be worried?’

‘Nah, I’ll text him,’ I reached across and grabbed my phone, hearing the way he stopped breathing for a second. Yeah, Cas has it bad. I texted Sam quickly, telling him Cas and me needed to sort something out, we might be gone a while, and then I put the phone away before Cas could see, and start asking way too many questions about it. ‘Give me a minute, and then we’ll go.’  
I pulled the rest of my clothes on, and my shoes, reaching across Cas for my stuff on the table, hearing him sucking his breath in again. Not that I enjoy messing with him, or anything.

‘Okay, I’m good,’ I told him before he could actually have a heart attack. He followed me out the room and down to the car, still not speaking. What’s up with him, anyhow? I thought he wanted all this time together, just the two of us, him perving on me all the time. ‘So, how about we go for a drive first? Grab some breakfast in a while, and just drive for the hell of driving after that?’

‘Is this our date?’ He finally blurted, and I couldn’t help laughing at him. I acted like it wasn’t on my mind all day already.

‘Right, we were meant to talk about that! Sure, if you want, Cas. Just text Sam and tell him to fend for himself.’ I passed him my phone to message Sam, and he still didn’t say anything as he played around on it. He was taking forever, I swear. ‘You text him yet?’

‘Yes.’

‘What’re you doing now? Reading my texts?’

‘No, I wouldn’t.’

‘Cas, I was teasing. So, you wanna make a day of it?’

‘That sounds good.’

We went quiet again. God, is it always going to be this awkward? I feel like I’m the one doing all the damn talking.

‘I’m feeling pancakes, is that cool?’

‘You’re the one eating, Dean.’

‘Did you ever try pancakes as a human? Because if you didn’t, you’re missing out.’

‘I’ll take your word for it, Dean. Watching you enjoy them will be enjoyment enough for me.’

‘Man, you don’t even know. At least you’re going to be a cheap date.’ I teased him

‘Is that supposed to be a good thing?’

I laughed again, because Cas never seems to know when he’s being funny.

‘Oh, Cas,’ I shook my head and started looking for somewhere we could grab breakfast. And he went quiet on me again. Why do I have to keep drawing him out? ‘You still with me, buddy?’

Castiel took a moment to answer me.

‘Sorry Dean.’

‘Don’t be sorry, we’re here. Are you alright, man? You don’t seem like you, much.’

‘I’m just … glad, that you agreed to a date.’

I shrugged, like it was no big deal. And really, it’s not a big deal. It’s breakfast.

‘It’s pancakes and a mini road trip, Cas, it’s not a ring on my finger. Come on.’

I got out the car and made it to the sidewalk, looking back at seeing Cas still sitting in the car, staring at me. I nodded towards the restaurant, hinting that he should hurry up, and he climbed out of the car like a human, walking slowly towards me. Like he’s dwelling on something that he’s just not sharing with me. It’s getting a little irritating.

‘Seriously, man, what’s up?’

Cas stared hard at me, and I think I started to get it. He was focused on my mouth, like he was imagining kissing me, or something more. And I got this picture in my head, of him pushing me up against the door to this place, giving me that hard look before kissing me, running his hands all over me … it was kinda hot. But it was Cas. I was still getting hard picturing it. I need to get inside, now.

‘I need to eat, Cas, okay? And after, we’ll go somewhere and … talk.’

My voice cracked on the last word, and his eyes bugged slowly. Was he picturing it too, pinning me against the wall and forcing himself on me? I walked into the diner before I could find out, and he followed me onto the counter stalls, drifting back into his dreamworld as I ordered my pancakes and we both got served coffee. Hie pulled his cup towards him almost automatically, and I tried to come up with something to talk about that could take the edge off some of this tension. He was still holding my cell phone, so I locked on that.

‘Has Sam got back yet?’ I cut though the atmosphere. Cas passed me my phone wordlessly, like he wasn’t allowed to see Sam’s reply. Which basically told me to screw myself, and he was going to see some movie since I was going to be useless all day. I texted back telling him to get over himself, glad for the slight break from Cas’ intensity. Still, I felt I had to spell it out for the guy, what I was up to. ‘Yeah, he has.’

My pancakes came, and I cut them up with my fork, stuffing some in my mouth and groaning loudly. Man, how did we luck into such good pancakes? I could feel Cas watching me out the corner of my eye.

‘This is so good man, you sure you don’t want?’ I asked around my mouthful. Cas gave me what I thought was a smile. Dude, if he’s imagining being this pancake right now …

‘It’s fine, Dean. You, um, you have a little syrup,’ Cas pointed to my mouth, and I swiped the mirror of where he was pointing. He smirked at me, and leaned closer, stroking the corner of my mouth slowly, staring at me. And it was kinda hot. He froze on some cue that I missed, and I could feel that tension again. And this time, I acted on it, leaning over and sucking the syrup off his finger, closing my eyes briefly, taking away anything even slightly innocent about the whole thing. And then I let go, going back to my pancakes, trying to think what to do now. I mean, obviously something’s going to happen now, and I think I’m okay with it. It won’t be so different to making out with a girl, would it? I shovelled my food in and then threw some bills down on the table, grabbing his shoulder. He looked at my hand again.

‘Come on, let’s go find somewhere.’

I left the cafe, knowing he’d follow me into the car, and drove off the second his door was closed. I think we need somewhere out of the way, where no one else can come across us. But nowhere it would seem obvious to come across any of the paranormal crap we usually have to deal with. I’m looking for a lack of signs, I guess.

‘Can I ask you something?’ I asked him after a while, because once again Cas wasn’t speaking. It’s a definite change from when Sam won’t shut up.

‘Of course Dean, you can ask me anything.’ I could hear the excitement in his voice.

‘And you’ll be completely honest?’

‘Why would I lie to you?’

I looked at him quickly, wondering if he was kidding. He’s lied to me before.

‘How long have you wanted to do this? Like, how long’ve you been into me?’

I haven’t put that out there yet, and I don’t know if he’s going to get what I meant. I can never tell if he seriously doesn’t understand us or if he does it on purpose because he likes watching me and Sam re-explain everything. Cas took his sweet ass time answering.

‘I’m not sure, Dean,’ he was speaking slowly, like he wasn’t sure he was answering right. ‘We’ve always had such a significant bond, but when it became something more? Maybe it was when you refused Michael, and stood up to Zachariah, when it was clear you would stand up for everything you believed it. Especially as I knew, by then, that you would stand up for me.’

‘That’s a pretty long time to have feelings that you don’t act on.’ I pointed out. But holy fuck, really? He’s been perving on me for that long?

‘I suppose it is, for a human.’

‘So, I guess us dating, that doesn’t make us gay, does it? If anything, its bestiality.’ I quipped, playing on the whole angel-not-a-human thing. It does worry me, a little, but he didn’t seem to get it.

‘I choose not to think of it that way, Dean.’

‘How are you thinking about it?’

‘That you have a beautiful soul, and I’m fortunate to have met you.’

I parked up, having found somewhere that worked, and looked at him. He stared back at me, a little sadly, like I was going to chew him out. I should, I mean, what is that crap? I’m a screw up and he knows it. But I’m not going to yell at him, because I do wanna give this a try.

‘Cas,’ I said eventually. His forehead puckered slightly, like he wasn’t sure what else I was going to say, but there wasn’t anything else I could think of. And his expression was just like before we went in the diner. So I went in for the kill, straddling him and pushing him down on the seat so he was laying down and forcing my mouth onto his, licking into his mouth as he just laid there and took it. I might’ve taken him by surprise too much, but I’ve started now. And it’s really not so different to kissing women, just a little hairier. I worked my hands down his body, feeling him shaking underneath me.

Cas finally started kissing back, and I hooked my hands under his knees, making him lay right across the front seat, still making out with him. He’s a quick learner, I’ll give him that. And it felt like how I pictured it in that moment, outside the cafe. This might be the best idea Cas has ever had.

‘Oh, Cas,’ I heard myself mumble, and he laughed a little into my mouth. I worked my way down his neck, his body still shaking beneath mine, even as it responded. I can’t tell if its voluntary or not, but it feels pretty good. I sat up for a moment to pull my top off, looking down for a second at the guy who was my best friend. His mouth looked swollen, almost bruised from the way I’d been kissing him, his eyes were half-closed in a blissed-out state. He looks half-undone already. I’m going to have to train him to hold it in, at least a little. I leaned back down, working on his shirt buttons as I kissed his neck again, feeling him thrust against me as my stomach touched his. ‘All in good time.’

Cas didn’t try and calm down, the way I thought he would, instead I felt his fingers tickling along my belt, working to undo my pants. He’s just diving in now, isn’t he?

‘Are you sure, Cas?’ I whispered, pushing myself up slightly, looking down at him once again, at the way his hair was sticking up and the lust that was in his eyes. He seems pretty sure, just going by eye contact, which he stopped pretty quickly so he could check me out. I felt like I was totally naked when he did that. ‘I mean, we have all the time in the world-‘

‘You’d want a second date?’ He asked quickly. No Cas, I’m making out with you to fuck with you. Angels, man.

‘How about we don’t call this a date? We call this some fun after breakfast.’

His answer was to stroke down my happy trail. At least he knows what I mean by fun, I guess.

‘Are you sure?’ He asked like I was the one hesitating over making out. I bent down and kissed him quickly, propping myself over him again afterwards so I could keep the eye contact. I kinda like it.

‘I’m sure, Cas. You don’t agree to date your best friend without understanding it’s more for the long term.’

‘But you said-‘

‘Cas, relax, okay?’ I started kissing his neck again, hoping it would relax him. ‘Just relax, baby. All in good time.’


	4. Chapter 4

Making out with Cas was better than I thought it would be. I lost track of time, which I don’t think I’ve done since I was a teenager. I drew the line at full sex, at least for now. The car still felt exposed. But eventually we stopped kissing and just laid next to each other, Cas snuggled in my arms. He kept stroking my bicep, watching his fingers progression across my skin, and I was watching him, holding his other hand and occasionally kissing his bare shoulder. It felt like after sex with someone you care about I guess. It felt good, anyway, and I was kinda glad Cas suggested it. I wish we’d tried getting together sooner, but hey, we were together now, and I felt more at peace then I have in a long time.

‘So, since this was just fooling around in the car,’ I finally spoke up, after kissing his shoulder again. ‘Did you just wanna make the whole day a date? We’ve got all the time in the world. Sammy can live without us for the day.’

I want the whole day to be a date. And hey, maybe we’ll book our own room at the motel later, come up with some excuse for Sam about why we’re bailing.

‘Okay,’ Cas didn’t sound as confident as I felt. I don’t know why, he’s the one who asked me out.

‘You got anything in mind for what we could do?’ I asked him, as he shifted even further into my chest. If he says stay here like this, I could handle it.

‘Um,’ Cas’ eyes bugged out, and I felt bad for putting the pressure on him. Besides, I like being the one in control, it’s what I know.

‘It’s cool. We can drive around, look for something. It’s not like we have a curfew, right?’

Cas leaned away slightly to frown up at me, like he suddenly didn’t understand what I could mean.

‘Come on, angel boy,’ I kissed his nose before untangling myself from him, finding my shirt hanging over the steering wheel and putting it back on, scooting along the leather and waiting for Cas to pull himself together before I pulled away, trying to remember the route back to town. Or maybe the next town over, to avoid Sam.

‘So, fancy cattle wrangling?’ I joked.

‘What’s that?’ Cas sounded baffled. I’m going to have to teach him when I don’t mean shit. I spotted a hay wagon, a real life, actual fucking hay wagon, parked up in a field.

‘God knows. Okay, a hay ride?’

‘Isn’t hay immobile?’

I started laughing. He has no idea when he’s being funny, does he?

‘Oh, man, Cas! Okay, um, wanna catch a game?’

He didn’t even answer that, so I guess I totally lost him way back at cattle wrangling.

‘A ball game, Cas. Football, baseball, whatever. We’ll get some rickety old seats and eat hotdogs covered in ketchup and mustard. It’ll be fun.’

Cas stayed quiet, and I hoped it was because he was thinking it over instead of still being confused. I was getting a strange vibe from him. I risked a look away from the road, to see him pursing his lips and staring straight ahead. He doesn’t like the idea. Why not? I thought he’d eat it up, seeing humans being passionate about a bunch of guys following arbitrary rules. That’s totally Cas’ kind of thing.

‘What about a bar?’ he finally spoke up. I looked at him again, but he was still staring ahead. Is he just trying to make me comfortable?

‘Sure, we can go to a bar.’

‘Not one of the ones you normally go to, with the black walls and sticky floors and three types of drink.’

Yeah, Cas is going to drink. I know what he means though, he wants something upmarket, designer. Nothing like a biker bar or a strip club. I get it.

‘Okay princess. We’ll find a good one. I should probably get changed first though, they don’t normally let people into those places wearing jeans.’

The atmosphere was still weird between us. Okay, I agreed to go to his bar, what’s the issue? Is he just pissed we’re not making out any more? I mean, it was fun, and we’re going to do it again, but we can’t do it all the time. I tried to rephrase it for him.

‘We should go shopping. You could probably do with a better outfit. You look like you’re going to check their receipts.’

There was another silent pause. I meant to confuse him that time.

‘As you wish,’ he finally said. Well, okay then. I guess we’re going shopping.

*

So, shopping with Cas happened. He tried to cheat when I said he had to pick something out for me, but it ballsed up when the store assistant went overboard. I could see his eyes glazing over as she talked. If he’d been paying attention, he would’ve heard her suggest a couple bars we could go to. I couldn’t help laughing at him as he walked away from her, totally bewildered. I guess it kinda got to him, because he went a little quiet on me, but he got over it when we got in the changing room, because he started checking me out again, looking at me like he would screw me right there and then. I had to say something, because even though it was kind of hot, and I liked the idea of it, it just wouldn’t work. Not in the middle of a civilian mall. He looked like I’d hit him or something, but I wasn’t trashing the idea of us, just the idea of us right then in the changing room.

He kept that look going as we paid up, and walked back through the mall to the car. I am not dating a wounded puppy. He can’t pull this shit every time something doesn’t go the way that he wanted. I need to say something. I drove towards the bar that the store clerk had recommended, and after about three long, wistful sighs, I pulled over and glared at him.

‘Okay. Okay,’ I tried to bite my tongue so I didn’t completely screw at him. I still care about the guy. ‘Okay, Cas, I know I said I’d agree to this date, and today’s been … well, it’s been way more fun than I thought it was going to be so far. But can we have some ground rules for the bar? Like, no touching, no kissing, no nothing in public. Right?’

‘Are you ashamed of me, Dean?’ Cas sounded pitiful, like I’d been kicking him or something, and looked away from me. Is that what he thinks is going on? I just want this between us.

‘What? No. No Cas. I just don’t want any trouble, okay? And it’d be great if we could just enjoy a date together, but I don’t wanna have to deal with idiots who can’t … who don’t … just trust me on this.’

‘This isn’t about the sales assistant, is it?’

‘Cas,’ I have no idea what he means by that. Did he think I was flirting with her? I’m not that big a jerk. I put my hand on his face, stroking his cheek, until he looked at me and I knew he was going to listen. ‘She was annoying as hell. But it’s nothing to do with her. It is about the eye sex in the changing room. It was barely okay there.’

Cas just stared at me, and I got that feeling again, like mentally he was pressing me up against the window and re-enacting what happened between us this morning. I looked right back, kind of enjoying the experience.

‘This is what I mean by eye sex,’ I told him, hearing my voice crack under the sexual tension between us.

‘You’re not looking away,’ Cas told me. I tried not to smile, because I knew I wasn’t. I was doing the eye sex stuff right back, I hoped.

‘I didn’t say I wanted to,’ I let him know, then looked around, making sure we didn’t have an audience. We didn’t, so I turned back and kissed him, hoping he’d get what I was actually thinking from the way we were pressed together. I think he wanted to dive back into being like how we were earlier, which would’ve been fun, but I thought he was in it for the dating, not just my body? ‘Come on, the shop girl at least knew where the kind of bar you’d like would be.’

I pulled away again, driving in the rough direction she’d waved us in. The store clerk sucked at directions. But then, she was too busy pushing her boobs out in Castiel’s direction. Her pathetic attempts at flirting with him and his total ignorance of it was funny too, though I didn’t want to put it out there; even when he thought I was flirting with her. He can be so dense, sometimes.  
I finally pulled up outside the building, which had a tiny sign because they’re trying to be stuck up douchenozzles, and Castiel started bitching.

‘Was she sure that we were aiming for this bar?’

I started laughing as he looked at the outside of the building, completely confused. He’s so cute when he’s dopey. Wait, shit, did I think of him as cute?

‘Oh, Cas, trust me, they spend the money on the inside. Come on.’

I climbed out of Baby, and waited on the sidewalk again for him to come over so we could go in together. It was as tacky as I’d expected inside, but it was what Cas said he wanted, so it was what we were going to stick to.

‘How about I grab us some beer and you go grab us a table?’

I walked over to the bar, trying to grab the attention of one of the bartenders, who looked at my shoulder like I had some crud on it. I looked around, and saw Cas, standing way too close. I thought he was finding us somewhere to sit.

‘Dude, half the tables are empty.’

‘I’m not sure I’m going to like this bar. I don’t understand it.’

Are you fucking kidding me? This was his idea! What was he expecting? I finally caught the attention of the girl at the bar, holding up two fingers so she would know we wanted two beers. Her eyes swept over Cas before she nodded, and reached for two bottles. And I tried to make my point.

‘Look man, I’m trying something very new for you, and I’m pleasantly surprised by it. So deal, we’re staying here now. Especially now our beers are in.’

The bar girl gave us the drinks, and I gave her the money, before trying to pass Cas his beer. He took it with a weird expression on his face as the bar girl gave me the change, and dragged Cas to one of the tables. One of the smaller ones, where he can’t hide from me. He seemed okay to sit up close to me, sinking beers. He pressed his leg against mine as I leaned forward, trying to keep our conversation at least a little bit private.

‘So, wanna talk about anything in particular? Or just coffee?’

I was hoping he’d get the reference. I know he struggles with that kind of thing.

‘Tell me things from your childhood.’

‘Geez Cas, didn’t you see it all?’ I teased him. I don’t wanna talk about my childhood.

‘I didn’t know to look for you then. I wish I had.’

‘Mmm, way to make it creepy,’ I joked, sucking down some more beer. I wish he had seen some of it, just to make that talk easier. I could see him out of the corner of my eye, staring at me as I drank my beer, his mouth slightly open and his eyes tracking my every move. I have no idea what’s going on in his head, but I get the feeling if I looked at him, I’d get more eye sex. And I’d probably just go with it, to be honest.

Two girls came giggling over, and I took the break happily. I need to stop picturing Cas pushing me up against walls and car doors or whatever, as hot as it is. This is only the first date, after all.

‘Hello,’ I nodded at them, playing with the label on my beer. They look kinda slutty, which I admit, was my type. Before Cas brought up the idea of him and me, I would’ve flirted with them, gone back home with one of them, snuck out while they slept. And it would’ve been fine, and I would’ve made Cas go with the other one, but now I know that he wants me, well, nothing’s going to happen.

‘Hi, so, me and my friend have a bet?’

The girl who said that giggled the whole freaking time. And then she sat herself on my leg like I’d invited her, and I saw Cas flinch out the corner of my eye. The other girl hasn’t touched him, so I guess he’s just reacting to this girl pawing at me. I wouldn’t give the other girl long to start dry-humping him. The skank on my leg carried on talking.

‘That you and your friend would buy us a drink?’

I looked at Cas, trying to ask him through eye contact if he could believe these girls. I mean, for real, they’re just going to dive in and demand we buy them drinks? They’re not even going to try to earn them? Cas glared back at me as the other girl stood beside him, looking over him like he was a piece of meat. I’d say jealousy doesn’t suit him, but he kinda smoulders when he glares and it’s pretty damn sexy.

‘Why would we do that?’ I asked as I looked back at the girl on my leg. She curled her hands around my neck, leaning in, like that was all it would take for me to bone her.

‘Because you’re good guys,’ she whispered, and leaned over to kiss me. Just before I could think of a way of putting a stop to it, let her know I’m not interested, Cas knocked her friend over and went running. The friend stood up, dusting herself off with one hand, holding her nose with the other, and narrowing her eyes at Cas as he flew out of the door. I stood the girl on my lap up, and untangled her arms from around my neck.

‘Oh, come on, the guy throws a bitch fit for no reason and you’re just going to leave us?’ She complained. I nodded to the bottles on the table.

‘Drink those if you’re so desperate for a freebie. I’m going to make sure my friend’s okay.’

She looked like she wanted to hit me, but I was already moving after Cas. Did he think I was gonna kiss her? Did he think it was going to play out that way? Man, we’ve had such a good day today, and he wants it to end like this? I spotted him about a block away, about to turn a corner. I ran towards him, calling out.

‘Hey! HEY! CAS! Son of a - what the hell was that?’ I panted as I finally reached him. He was staring at the sidewalk rather than look at me.

‘She was going to kiss you.’

‘Oh my God, Cas! She was a skank, trying to get wasted for free. Hey, look at me!’ I grabbed his arm, making him stop, making him at least face me, even if he wasn’t going to make eye contact. ‘I didn’t forget that we’re on a date. I was trying to find the point to let her down gently, okay?’

Cas still wouldn’t look at me. It was like he wasn’t there at all. What’s he doing, replaying everything in his head and imagining I’d flirted right back, or something? If this is how he’s acting on the first date, then I don’t see how this is going to carry on.

‘Cas, trust me, nothing was going to happen. Nothing. Not after- not after this morning man. But check it, Cas, if you’re serious about us being a thing, about you wanting this? You trust me. Because if you don’t, we have no chance, whatsoever. So trust me, and be patient, and let me do what I need to because I’m freaking human, okay?’

He finally looked up at me, faking a smile. I could see it was fake. And I couldn’t read his eyes properly, to know what he was thinking. And then a pile of crap came out his mouth, like he thought it was what I’d want to hear.

‘You’re right Dean. I didn’t trust that woman, that’s all. Did you want to go back in there?’

I shook my head, pretending to play along.

‘Nah, we’re good. Besides, I think you’d get arrested if you walked back in, you busted that girl’s nose up pretty well. I didn’t get jealous over that, by the way.’

I had to make the point that I could tell he was freaking jealous. Is he going to pin all this crap on me?

‘You know I only have eyes for you,’ he told me. I laughed because yeah, I knew that. It broke the tension, a little.

‘Yeah, I know. Look, let’s just call it a night, and we’ll do something better tomorrow, okay? Promise.’

I hope he got that I meant I’d definitely go for a second date with him. I kissed him quickly, not even bothering to check if we had an audience, and then turned around to go get in the car. He took his sweet time getting back in the car, but when he did, I reached over and kissed him again. He seemed really distracted, and I hoped that meant he was realising what a tool he was being. Maybe when we got back to the motel, he’d stop being an ass and we could get back on track, whether Sam was there or not.


	5. Chapter 5

Something’s changed with Cas. I can’t put my finger on it. He normally stares at me the entire time I’m driving anywhere. I catch him in the rear view doing it all the time. It got real bad after he brought up the idea of the two of us getting it together. Today, there’s been nothing. I need those looks, man, they break up Sam talking endlessly, for me at least.

Sam was talking about the case he’d found, acting like it was Friday instead of Tuesday - he’s such a freak sometimes - and scrolling through his laptop reading out case notes he’d accessed from the coroners notes. Seriously, how does my brother always get the internet, wherever he goes? I checked the odometer lazily and saw it was pointing at about a quarter empty and a gas station was coming up soon.

‘… And there are reports that the local crypt has some activity as well-‘

‘I’m stopping for gas.’ I interrupted Sam.

‘Oh, cool. We should get something to eat too. It’s going to be a long drive.’

‘Yeah, I’m on it.’

I pulled in and stopped the car, climbing out and grabbing a pump, shucking off the cap at the back of the fender and waiting for her to fill up, still wondering what Cas’ problem is. I thought he was all over me?

As soon as the pump stopped, and I put the hose back and flipped the lid back on, I headed to Sam’s side of the car, banging on the glass to get his attention. He’s talking to Cas, so yeah, it’s pretty clear that Cas has a problem with me. I’ll ask Sam later when angel boy is sulking. Sam wound the window down.

‘Hey man, I’m gonna grab something to eat. Anything you want?’

Sam shrugged.

‘Anything that’s not too unhealthy.’

I laughed, and headed into the store, leaving Sam to pick Cas’ brains some more, and headed down the aisles, looking at the food. Like I’m going to get Sam anything remotely healthy, he always forgets my damn pie. And speaking of pie, there’s a tonne here. Cherry, apple, banana cream, chicken pot … I’m having me some pie time. I grabbed as much as I could, and a couple of six-packs, some decent whiskey, and at the last minute at the register, some beef jerky for Sam. The attendant looked at me tiredly.

‘Pump four,’ I grunted at him, trying to peer through the door at Sam and Cas. They looked like they were still talking. The guy took forever to ring it all up, and I passed him one of our fake credit cards as soon as he gave me the price. I wanna get back in that car.

As soon as everything was done, I was out of the store and in the car, shoving the bags at Sam, and starting my Baby up. Sam started going through the bags.

‘Dude, all you got was whiskey, beer, jerky and pie.’

‘Yeah, because I don’t forget the pie.’

‘Dean, it’s just pie.’

‘You’re just pie.’

‘That doesn’t even make any sense.’

‘Shut up. Bitch.’

‘Jerk.’

Sam started laughing, and I smiled for like, a second, before I looked back at Cas and saw him staring out of the window again. I couldn’t join in laughing with Sam because there it is again - what is Cas’ problem?

 

*

I sent Sam to check us in when we finally got to the town and found the motel Sam had looked up on his ever-present internet. Apparently it was the cheapest one that wouldn’t give us bed bugs. Whatever. I had issues with my angel. As soon as he was gone, I turned around to Cas. He’s not going to avoid the confrontation.

‘Hey man, are you okay? You haven’t said a word the entire drive. You haven’t even done that staring thing you do. Did I piss you off or something?’

‘No, Dean,’ Cas sighed like even saying that to me was a huge effort. What is his problem? I tried to be nice still, and recap everything for him because I would put money on him not even bothering to listen.

‘Well, okay. Look, Sam and me, we’ve got to see about this case. Sounds like a regular old haunting to me. But when we’re done, you wanna talk about that date?’

I forced a smile, like “hey, I got no beef with you, man,” and he looked at me for about a second before looking down at his hands.

‘We don’t have to worry about that, Dean.’

What the hell is that meant to mean? Is he bailing out on me? Sam climbed back in the car before I could chew Cas out. My brother has lousy timing.

‘We’re good to go. Room two-nineteen. Key.’

He passed me my room key, one of those swipe card things, rather than an actual key. I toyed with it, still dwelling on what Cas had just said. Why’s he suddenly gone off me? Guy practically drooled when I drank my beer and now he doesn’t wanna date me? Is he over-thinking this shit?

‘Thanks man. Hey, I’ll catch you up, I wanna talk to Cas for a second.’

‘Okay. See you later.’

He reached over and grabbed his stuff, then disappeared to the room, and I turned back to Cas, who was staring at me for the first time all day.

‘What the hell do you mean, we don’t have to worry about that? You don’t wanna go out with me any more?’

Cas just shook his head. What the hell? Just yesterday he was making me tell him my favourite dates. Is he thinking he can’t compete or something stupid like that? I’m not being played about like this.

‘Tough luck. You can’t just spend weeks trying to convince me to go on a date with you then turn around and say you’re not bothered. I mean, did I do something?’

He stared out the window again, like all the answers were out there instead of in his damn head.

‘No, Dean. I’ve given it some thought and I realise that I shouldn’t have to convince you to date me. You should want to in the first place.’

I rolled my eyes. That’s not a reason, not when he was practically sitting on me, listening as I described the time I ended up screwing a girl on a beach. I know he was picturing himself in the chick’s place.

‘Cas, shut up. Confidence is sexy, you know? You do wanna date me, and I said yes, so stop being such a damn child about it.’

‘I’ve changed my mind, Dean.’

I know he hasn’t. I could feel the need to chew him out growing, and he finally looked back up at me.

‘I don’t know why you’re so upset over my decision, anyway. It’s not like you date men normally.’

He zapped out the second he stopped talking, and I got out of the car, slamming the door behind me. Is he for freaking real? I would’ve shut it down if I wasn’t okay with the idea, and the fact we’ve spent weeks talking about dating … doesn’t he get it? At all? I grabbed my crap out the backseat and locked Baby up, going to our room. Sam looked up as I threw the door open, and slung my bag into the nearby chair.

‘Hey, where’s Cas?’ Sam tried to ignore my bad mood. Nice try, Sasquatch.

’The bitch zapped out on me. But come on, we’ve got a ghost to bust.’

‘A ghostbusters joke? Really?’ Sam shook his head, and pulled out a notebook he had all his case notes in. ‘Something’s bugging him.’

‘Yeah, he’s a fucking child.’

Sam flicked through the notebook pages rather than answer that.

‘Anyway, the last people to see the ghost are Mr and Mrs Banks. I got their address, we should suit up and talk to them.’

I didn’t answer him, except to pull my suit out and start getting changed. Sam did the same, but once we were ready, and he was looking for our FBI badges, he brought up Cas again.

‘Look, I don’t know what’s going on with you and Castiel, but you’ve spent a lot of time together, ignoring me lately. Maybe you just need to give him some breathing space?’

The guy always goes to sleep at ten, his choice, so how does he even think we’re ignoring him?

‘Well, thanks Oprah, I’ll keep that in mind. Ready to go?’

Sam pouted in that bitchface he has, letting me know he thinks I’m being a dick, and then nodded to the door.

‘Yeah, let’s go.’

We left the room, and got back in the car. I admit, I was keeping an eye out for a trench coat the whole time. But he wasn’t anywhere. If Sam noticed, he still wasn’t saying anything, and I was glad that I didn’t have him prying into the situation. It’s already weird enough.

Sam directed me as we drove through the town, up to the address he’s pulled out his ass. And when we knocked, the chick who answered was smoking hot. But Sam cockblocked me before I could even say hi, doing those puppy dogs and talking like I wasn’t even there. She invited us in, and I held him back.

‘Dude, what was that?’

‘Dean, I’m not blind. How do you think Castiel would feel if you hit on her?’

Shit, he has noticed. He walked into the house after the girl, asking her if her husband was home. Right, yeah, she’s married. And anyway, Sam’s clearly not all that with it, he doesn’t know Cas has put an end to the idea of us, so I’m free to hit on her if I want to.

‘Oh, no, I’m not married! I get that all the time. I live here with my brother. When I’m not at Brown anyway.’

Great, the chick’s like a female Sam. He started blabbing about Stanford and being pre-law and they started nerding it up for like, twenty minutes. Sam finally got onto the topic of the case, you know, why we were there in the first place, and she confessed all the stuff that people usually hold back on in case of the crazy. I guess she’s really into Sam. He even gave her his damn number, and arranged to hook up with her once we’d finished burning the bones. At least he didn’t tell her that’s what we were doing, he said we had some paperwork to do and it could take a while, but he’d call her later to arrange some time to meet. When did my baby brother turn into such a womaniser? Normally he’s really awkward around women. We left the house, and I went in for the kill.

‘Dude-‘

‘Dean, look, I know, okay? No, Cas didn’t say anything in the car when you were getting gas, the tension is so thick I almost can’t breathe. So, what’s going on?’

‘We’re hunting bones, Sam, that’s what’s going on.’

‘It wouldn’t hurt to let me in, Dean.’

‘Fine,’ I snapped as we climbed back into the Impala. ‘Cas ended it before it even began. That’s what he was saying while you were checking us in. So you can stop being so high and mighty, and we can just focus on the case. Okay?’

Sam sighed.

‘Do you want it to be over? You’ve seemed pretty happy the last couple of days.’ I ignored him. ‘Look, he’s probably feeling insecure. Do something to show him you care. Do it while I’m on my date tonight.’

‘I’m going to find the grave so we can just get on with it after sundown.’

*

The hunt was, you know, standard. We found the grave, went back to the motel, Sam looked up restaurants to take his date and criticised me for the Cas stuff all afternoon while I made sure we had everything we needed. Lighter fluid, lighter, salt, two spades in the trunk of the car, a couple of beers to celebrate a job well done. The basics.

And even without Sam going on and on, I was thinking about Cas. About what I wanted with the guy. I don’t know what he expects from me, but I admit, I’m intrigued by the idea of us. I wouldn’t have said I’d go out with him if I wasn’t a little bit curious. So maybe my annoying little brother has a point. And I was thinking over what I could do now the whole ride back to the cemetery, the entire time we were digging up the grave, with every motion that feels like second nature now. As the bones burnt, we sat at the edge of the grave with our beers.

‘So, what’re you going to do?’ Sam wanted to know.

‘Go back to the motel.’

‘That’s it? Come on, Dean, make the effort.’

‘Back the hell off.’

‘Fine, Dean,’ he got up and started shovelling the dirt back on the grave. I helped, hoping his “fine” meant that he wasn’t going to interfere. We started heading back to the motel, and he made me pull over so he could buy his date some flowers, calling her on the drive from the store to the motel to say we were wrapping up soon and then he’d be there. I guessed he wanted a shower. I did too, but I figured the quicker I got rid of Sam, the less annoying he would be.

Thankfully, Sam was in a hurry, so he didn’t say much to me in the room, except when he brought the cup out of the bathroom and pulled one of the flowers out of the bunch he’d bought and put it in the cup, leaving it on the table.

‘You could use the help, lets face it,’ he snarked.

‘Enjoy your date. Don’t come back until tomorrow.’

He flipped me off as he left the room, and I shoved the pot pie I’d bought into the oven in the kitchenette, turning it on and looking at that damn flower. And then I remembered Cas saying one time, a stupid throwaway comment, about that scene in Lady and the Tramp. I didn’t have much, but I could do something to make it look like that. I ran down to the car, grabbing a candle and a fairly clean rag out, running back up to the room and redoing the table, and then having the world’s quickest shower. And once I was dressed again, I prayed.

‘Cas? I know you’re still mad at me. I can’t figure out why, but … if you want to talk man, I’m ready. Sam’s met a girl from the case, he’s not going to be back all night, so we can talk this out. Just you and me. Okay?’

Cas zapped in pretty quickly, his eyes sweeping across the room before he looked up at me. I couldn’t read his expression right. He almost looked like he’d been crying.

‘What is this?’ he asked eventually, sounding pissed off. I knew this was a crock of shit, trying to get him talking to me again. He’s making me feel really tense, and I don’t like it.

‘Like I said, we need to talk.’ I shrugged like it was no big deal, then walked over to him, removing his coat slowly, looking into his eyes like he does to me all the time. I threw his coat on my bed as he started breathing heavily. I kew he wanted it. I got rid of the jacket next. When he’s just in a shirt, that’s less tense, right? He didn’t resist me taking his clothes off, but he isn’t doing anything either. I didn’t know whether to grab his face and kiss him like I would have thought he wanted, or make a stupid joke. It seemed easier to do the second thing. ‘You’re always trying to have eye sex with me.’

Cas didn’t smile. He winced. He really isn’t interested any more, is he? So what the hell?

‘You’re not looking away.’

He sounded sad as he said that, like some joke between us that had gone flat. Have we joked about this before? I don’t remember. I pushed on with my big idea, before he freaked me out completely and I gave up on Sam’s stupid advice.

‘Yeah, well, I wanted to do you dinner, the whole bit, but then I remembered you’re an angel, you don’t eat-‘

‘I’ll eat.’ He sounded happier than he had all day. I went with it.

‘Really?’

‘Yes. I appreciate the effort, Dean.’ The off tone is still there, but I’m not out yet.

‘You know I’m counting this as our date, right?’ I smirked. He looked over at the table, his expression pained. Oh, come on Cas, just talk to me!

‘You only agreed to one date, Dean.’

I rolled my eyes. Is that what this whole thing is about? Because I said one date and he’s still pressing the idea of more than one? Did he not get that I meant one date for sure, and if it’s good then there’ll be more?

‘Okay, Cas, sit down.’ I pointed to one of the chairs and he went over to sit in it, as I grabbed the other chair, leaning up close to him so he got that I meant what I was about to say. Cas looked at me warily. ‘Look, I don’t know what’s going on with you, man, but you have to calm down. Okay? Just let whatever’s going to happen between us happen. Because I might not be here tomorrow, and this isn’t the way I wanna spend whatever time I get. Just stop over-thinking, okay? I said yes. That should be enough.’

‘Dean, I-‘

‘I said yes, Cas. The least you can do is respect that.’

Cas started staring at Sam’s stupid flower, and he sounded like he was pacifying me when he spoke again.

‘You’re right. You’ve gone to a lot of effort for tonight. Is Sam really out with a girl?’

I’m going to pretend he was being genuine, and just go with the Sam question. Editing the cockblocking, of course.

‘Yeah. She graduated from Brown so they were talking college for forever. Somehow that earned him a date. And I figured since he was going to be gone so long, maybe you and me could work this out.’

I didn’t know whether Cas would understand what I meant by Brown, but I hoped he would at least appreciate the effort I was making for him. For us. He nodded, and finally looked back at me, smiling like I’d just told him I was in love with him of something. And then he reached over to hold my hand, and I stared at them, our hands together.

It was different, holding hands with a guy. His hands were rough, and his fingers were thick and stubby. But somehow, it wasn’t horrible. Probably because it was Cas. And then out of nowhere, he stood up, and walked around the tiny table, sitting on me and staring down at me. I looked right back.

‘Are you okay, Cas?’

He licked his lips, then slowly held my head, bending down and kissing me. What changed? What made him decide that actually yes, he does want to give this a shot? Or is this something else? Is this just sex and then nothing? Whatever it is, it’s not what I was expecting when he and I finally did kiss. I was expecting to have to show him a lot, but he seems to know what he’s doing. Yeah, he really knows what he’s doing. I used my free hand to pull him closer, and the kiss got more intense, and Cas got more confident. Maybe he’s getting the vibe I’m getting, that maybe this could actually work? I’m glad he’s been talking me into this. I’m glad Sam stood up to me over that girl. And I’m definitely glad Sam’s out with her right now, because this would never happen with him hanging around the room.

I need to stop thinking about my brother when Cas’ tongue is in my mouth. I pulled his hand up between us so I could let go without offending him, and once my hand was free, I put my hand on his ass, squeezing it and tugging him even closer, so his legs were pretty much wrapped around my waist. I could feel his dick, hard and pressing into my stomach, and it didn’t gross me out the way I expected it to. It kinda turned me on instead. Okay, if we’re having sex, we’re not doing it on this chair, I don’t think it could take it. We’re doing it on the bed.

I nudged his legs further around me, and stood up, surprised by how light he was, considering he was an angel stuffed into a guy. I managed to make it to my bed, and pulled Cas down with me as I collapsed on the bed. He unwound his legs from my waist and immediately I missed the pressure, but then he started slowly kissing down my face and onto my neck. And oh man, he knew what he was doing there too, because I started practically dry humping him without meaning too. I don’t want him to stop either. I want him, in every sense.

‘Fuck, Cas,’ I hissed involuntarily. And then he started pulling at my shirt, trying to work it over my shoulders, and I sat up to make it easier, pulling my tee off as well, throwing both of them onto Sam’s bed. Cas’ eyes scanned my body slowly, dragging a finger over my stomach, driving me fucking crazy. I’m going to screw his brains out. I laughed as his finger carried on tracing my stomach, and put my hands in his hair, tugging him back towards me so we could make out some more. He came willingly, and as he did I had to voice something about what he was doing to me. He had to know. ‘Man, if this is what you’re like when we’re not on a date, I can’t wait for when we’re on one.’

He wrapped his arms around my chest, stopping short of where I could kiss him again.

‘I thought you were counting this as our date?’ he pointed out. Yeah, that was then, that was before I decided I want to fuck him into tomorrow.

‘Maybe I’m getting greedy.’ I teased him, raising my head so I could kiss him. I really want his mouth on me again, wherever he’s willing to put it. I got a flash of me naked on the bed, looking down at him as he worked on my dick. It was a pretty hot image, one that’s definitely going to become a reality.

‘I like you greedy,’ he told me in between kisses. I laughed, and felt him, hard, against my leg. And again, I wasn’t grossed out by another guy’s junk like I thought I might be. It did not matter in that moment. I just wanted Cas.

‘Mmmm, talking of greedy,’ I laughed, and grabbed his tie, pulling him even closer, licking the roof of his mouth and grinding against him again, feeling the rub of his shirt against my bare skin and the way my jeans rubbed against his slacks. His fingers started tracing my body again, sliding down easily as the intensity was making us both sweat. And all we’ve done is make out and dry hump a little. I could feel him reaching for my fly, and I swear it made adrenaline shoot straight to my dick.

And then the oven timer went off, and it took like, all my restraint to detach my mouth from his. Truth is, as hot as this is, as much as I want to hear him scream my name, I’m kinda hungry too. Plus, it’s pie.

‘Cas, that’s the food.’

‘Forget about it.’ Cas muttered, honing in on my mouth again. Oh yeah, it’s easy for him to forget about food when he never eats. Although he looks like he wants to devour me right now. And that would be okay, but there’s pie.

‘I can’t Cas, I can’t burn this place down. And I’m hungry. Just let me eat, and we’ll get back to this, okay?’

‘Do you mean that?’ he asked as he bit my lip gently. Like he has to work to convince me any more.

‘Of course, Cas. Now let me up, before it burns.’

‘Make me,’ he demanded. I think I like playful, domineering Cas. But not as much as I need to eat right now, so I pushed him onto the bed and got up, crossing the room and taking the pie out of the oven. I could feel Cas’ eyes on me the whole time I was getting it ready, and I knew I was going to choke it down and get right back to it. Or I could speed up the process, and make Cas taste of pie.

‘Did you want some?’

‘I’m sure it’ll just taste of molecules,’ Castiel shrugged. ‘Watching you eat will be good enough for me.’

I’d assume he has a pie kink, but I think he just has a me kink. He’s laying on my bed, his erection really fucking obvious, and he’s staring at me like I knew he would be. I’m starting to wonder if it might just be better to let the pie go and rejoin Cas, but my stomach’s hurting and, well, pie.

‘What did you cook?’ he asked me after a little while.

‘Pot pie. You sure you don’t want any?’

‘I’m sure. I know how you feel about pie.’

He seems okay with me taking a break for food, which is a relief, considering how he’s been all day. I mean, he’s not taking it personally. And in return, I didn’t moan with just how good my pie is. I’ll save that for when we’re getting it on instead.

Or I would have, if Sam didn’t come home. I thought I told him not to come back until tomorrow? The cloth, candle and flower on the table disappeared as the door swung open, and I knew Cas had something to do with it. Sam seeing his damn flower next to a ritual candle is the least of our worries. He took a moment to look at me, in my chair, topless and eating pie, and hiding my stiffie pretty well, and then at Cas, who was still pretty obviously standing to attention. This was why I told him not to come the fuck home.

‘Guys? Is everything okay?’ he asked like he didn’t know he’d just walked in on something. I decided to play nice, to see if I could get rid of him somehow. I still wanna bone Cas.

‘Yes. How was your date?’

‘Good. She was nice.’ He took a second, and then decided to be a little bitch. ‘Any reason why you’re not wearing a shirt?’

‘I got hot,’ I said it like it was no big deal, like my boyfriend hadn’t gotten me so hot in the first place. Sam looked at Cas for a moment, who didn’t seem to notice anything wrong with Sam walking in on us. And then my brother turned back to me.

‘Got any of that pie going?’

Yeah, like I’m going to share with him when he’s standing in the doorway and not getting the hint that he’s not wanted tonight.

‘Nope, all mine. I think there’s still some jerky?’

‘You’re an asshole.’ He declared before he stomped over to his bed, where I’d left my shirts. ‘And dude, don’t leave your shit on my bed.’

He’s not getting lost and letting me at Cas again, and I’m the asshole? I should screw Cas whether Sam’s here or not, and totally go against our unspoken agreement. He threw my shirts, and they landed on Cas. He didn’t move, and I couldn’t help but join in with Sam’s laughter. Cas is too cute. He nudged a sleeve aside to look at me, his face a little bewildered, but I could see he was disappointed. I’d promised him we’d carry on getting it on, but we can’t if Sam’s there. Maybe we could sneak down into the car and screw on the backseat? But I get the feeling that once we get into it, we’re going to need more space. Tomorrow, I’m getting my own room without Sam. Just me and Cas and all the time in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to post four chapters at once! This catches everything up, so now I'll be posting both stories together, or as close to as I can. I hope you enjoy Dean's perspective :) thanks for reading, and I'll update when I can.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said in the companion piece, this chapter, and other subsequent chapters, are very much NSFW. I hope that means people will continue to read!

I woke up as a little spoon. It took me a moment to remember what had happened last night, but then it came back to me. Making out with Castiel and eating pie and Sam interrupting before we could seal the deal. Cas is my big spoon. And he’s stroking my bicep gently, kissing my shoulder every now and again. I looked over at Sam’s bed, which was empty.

‘Where’s Sam?’ I whispered. Cas reached over and kissed my cheek.

‘Out on his early morning jog. I didn’t join you in your bed until he’d left about ten minutes ago.’

I twisted around to face him, wrapping an arm around him as I went.

‘I guess that gives us fifty minutes to fool around before he gets back.’

He frowned like he wanted to ask me what I meant by fool around, but I leaned onto him, until I was on top of him, and started covering his face in tiny kisses. He laughed, and I felt his body relax under mine, his fingers doing that thing along my sides.

‘This,’ I kissed his cheek, ‘was’ and by his eye, ‘the’ I kissed his forehead, ‘best’ I kissed the tip of his nose, ‘idea’ I found an eyebrow and kissed there too, ‘you’ve’ I nibbled on his earlobe for a moment ‘ever’ I gave him a swift kiss on his jawline ‘had.’

And then I caught his mouth with mine, and felt his tongue, and his teeth, and it was like we were never interrupted last night. I threw my leg over his legs and completely crushed him with my body, pressing close and thanking whatever rare good forces were out there that at some point, Cas had lost his slacks and shirt. I started rocking against him, letting him know exactly what I wanted, and where I wanted to put my morning wood. His hands started sliding down towards my underwear again, and I broke away from his mouth for a second.

‘Do you wanna get naked?’ I whispered. His eyes looked dark, even in the morning light. He shook his head and caught my mouth again, and slipped his hands under the waistband, onto my dick. I shifted slightly, so he could do what he needed to do and we could still make out.

But he didn’t do much, he just held onto me, not too roughly, but like he couldn’t believe he was touching me where he was.

‘Cas, move your hands,’ I whispered into his mouth, trying to give him some help and get me off, but he took it the wrong way. Of course he did. He let go of me, and took his hands out of my pants. ‘That’s not what I meant.’

‘What did you mean?’ he panted. I’m not going to describe it! Instead, I felt for his underwear, noticing they were tidy whities - that’s going to change - and sliding them down slowly, drawing it out, trying to get him going even more. He stopped being able to concentrate on kissing me, and he was starting to pant harder. I hadn’t even touched him.

‘Okay Cas,’ I whispered. ‘You’re going to do exactly what I do, okay?’

He nodded slowly, eyes wide, and I gave him a quick kiss before feeling my way between his legs. His fingers brushed across my hips before settling back on my dick, and he curved his fingers around me seconds after I’d wrapped mine around him.

‘This is what I did before,’ he whispered.

‘Mmm-hmm,’ I kissed his jawline again, not minding the way his stubble scratched at my mouth. Cas tastes pretty amazing, but I can’t put my finger on what it is he tastes like. I started stroking my hand along him, trying not to feel weird that I was touching another guy, that another guy was touching me. It’s Cas and we’re … well, I need to get over it if I do feel weird. And even if it does feel weird, it feels good. It’s good-weird. He started inching his way along me, back and forth slowly, just like I was, and he was staring into my eyes again. This is pretty fucking intimate, right? But I can’t wait to see his face when he blows a load. I can’t wait to be the person to make that happen.

I slid my hand back up, my fingers toying with his head, and my body started shaking when he did the same to me. I stopped looking at him, and buried my face into his neck, kissing the closest bits of skin I could find as I slid my fingers back down him again, already a little sticky with his pre-cum. I started working him faster, my body moving with his hand as he picked up the pace too, his breath as short as mine was. He was beginning to thrust his hips in time with my hands too, a little clumsily at first, but soon getting into the rhythm. I could feel everything speeding up, and I started to lose track of everything as his hands worked their magic and I fell apart, trying my best to keep going for him.

I broke first, coming all over his hand, his stomach, the bed. If I wasn’t buried in his neck I would’ve probably seen a look of total surprise on his face, but all I could do was groan into him, letting go of him in case I squeezed too hard. There was a pause, and then the bed started moving again, he started moving again, and I guess he was finishing what I started.

‘Sorry, Cas,’ I muttered.

‘It’s okay, Dean. Help me,’ he grabbed my sticky hand and put it back on him, pumping himself with my hand in between, and I started sucking on his neck as he started bucking like crazy, before sinking into the bed, groaning loudly, as my hand got coated in him.

We laid together for a few moments, before he took my hand off his cock and twisted our fingers together, and I tried to slow my breathing down.

‘Dean?’ he said eventually. I raised my head, looking at him. ‘What did we just do?’

I smiled, and pressed another kiss onto his mouth.

‘I thought you wanted it.’

He scrunched his face up like he was thinking about that. Why else was he trying to get in my underpants?

‘Hey, Cas?’ I propped myself up so I could look at him, leaning over him still. Our legs are still tangled together. His expression cleared a little as he looked at me. ‘Awkward question, but before Sam comes back, could you work your angel magic, clean this up? Sam’ll ask about it otherwise.’

‘Clean what up?’

I raised our hands slightly, the ones still kinda glued together with a mix of our spunk.

‘Oh, okay,’ he sighed, and just like that it was gone. Even under the covers, I felt fresh and clean, like I’d just showered. ‘Dean? Please don’t laugh but I have to know. How do two men have sex?’

I did start laughing, just because I couldn’t believe he asked that. He looked insulted, so I kissed him gently, trying to let him know I wasn’t laughing at him.

‘I’ll show you tonight,’ I promised, kissing him again, just as the door swung open. My brother has lousy timing.

‘Ugh, guys, please. Get a room.’

‘We had one,’ Cas told him before kissing me back.

‘Yeah. Look, I’m going for a shower, can you guys stop that please? I mean, I’m happy for you and everything, but that is too damn weird.’

‘You’re too damn weird,’ I snarked back, into Castiel’s mouth. A few moments later, I heard the bathroom door close, and I grinned at Cas. ‘It’s fun messing with him.’

Cas just shook his head.

‘We’d better stop here, I don’t want to upset Sam.’

I rolled my eyes, and kissed him again.

‘We’ve got a little while before Sam comes out of the shower.’

‘I’ll get carried away,’ he whispered, biting his lip slightly.

‘I don’t care.’

He sighed, and next moment, we were both dressed, standing opposite sides of the room.

‘Dammit, Cas!’

‘Sorry, Dean. I’ll make it up to you, I promise.’

The bathroom door opened again, and Sam walked out with a hand covering his eyes.

‘Are you guys done yet? We need to get going.’

‘It’s fine, Sam.’ I grabbed some of my clothes, and shoved them in my bag. He was right, we needed to get lost. He packed up too, and Cas stood awkwardly to the side of the room, watching us.

‘Cas? Can you give us a hand?’ Sam asked after a couple of minutes. I took my bag down to the car, a little annoyed that Sam keeps interrupting us. We were just getting somewhere, you know? I’m still a little pissed that he interrupted what could have been an all night session. Even if his date royally sucked, I told him to stay out. At least I got some relief. For a naive angel, Cas really knows what he’s doing with his hands. Even thinking about it right now is turning me on, which is crazy since we haven’t even gone on a date yet.

Maybe it’s a good thing Sam interrupted. We kinda jumped on fast forward last night. I don’t want Cas to think I’m just in this for sex. I’m in it for him. I need to tell him that I want more, that the doubt I had when I said one date is gone. We’re going to work.

‘Hey, are you pissed at me?’ Sam interrupted my thoughts.

‘No. We’re good.’

‘Look, if I’d known I’d walk in on you two like that, I would’ve stayed away. I mean, last thing you were saying was that he didn’t want it.’

‘You were pushing us back together.’ I pointed out.

‘I knew it. Look, I’m sorry, okay? Neither of you ever talk about your feelings, I figured it wouldn’t matter if I walked in on some awkward conversation. I didn’t know you were going to be … so its good?’

‘Yeah, its good. You’re on your own tonight.’

Sam nodded, grimacing a little.

‘Yeah, I guessed. Just take it easy on him, okay? He’s still an angel.’

‘I know. Hey, so why were you home so early from your date, anyway?’

Castiel came strolling along finally as I asked, standing close beside me. I felt his fingers brush against mine, and this time, I took his hand and stepped closer. Sam pretended not to notice.

‘It was nearly ten. Besides, her relationship with her brother was creepy. There’s a reason why our research showed they were married.’

‘Eww.’

Sam nodded.

‘Exactly. But come on, we need to find a new case. If you can stop thinking about each other naked for five minutes?’

Cas squeezed my hand before letting go, so I could get in the car. I looked around quickly for any bystanders and bent my head close to him, getting a kick out of it when his breath hitched.

‘It’s every five seconds, not every five minutes.’

And then I reached over and pulled at the door handle, climbing in and waiting for Cas to jump in too. He bent into the doorway instead, and looked at Sam and me.

‘I’ll come and find you later. I have things I need to do.’

‘What things?’ Sam asked before I could demand Cas stay.

‘Things that concern my family. I’ll see you soon.’

He bent closer and kissed my face, and then he was gone. There was silence for a moment, before Sam opened his big mouth.

‘Does it bug you when he does that?’

‘Shut up.’ I put the car into drive and pulled out the lot, as Sam opened up his laptop and scanned for any crazy news that might point to a case.

*

Seven hours later, and we hadn’t found a single case. Instead, we agreed to have the day off, and after finally going back to the bunker after weeks away, we headed into Lawrence and went bowling. It was kinda cool to just sit back, throw back a few beers and fuck about giving Sammy the bump bars every turn. Like when we were kids and Dad insisted, the few times we actually went with him. And we talked, and he wasn’t even irritating with it.

‘So like, you and Cas,’ he’d started as I walked back from a spare and grabbed my third beer.

‘So like, me and Cas,’ I took my seat, but he didn’t get up to bowl.

‘What is it? Are you just fooling around or are you together now?’

‘Or it’s your turn.’

‘I’m serious, Dean.’

‘I don’t know. I said we’d see how it goes. It seems like it’s going okay.’

‘I never thought I’d see you settle down.’

‘I don’t think you’ll ever take your turn.’

He huffed, and got up, throwing the ball like it didn’t matter and getting a strike. Damn, that puts him ahead. He turned right back around and carried on talking at me, blocking my path to the pins.

‘Seriously, I’m happy for you.’

‘You said before.’ I pushed past him, and grabbed a ball.

‘I just wish I had someone like that, you know? Someone who looks at me the way Cas looks at you.’

I nodded. I like the way Cas looks at me.

‘Yeah, well, you’ll find someone Sammy. Are we done?’

Sam grabbed his beer and drained it in one.

‘One more go. I kicked your ass so bad.’ He nodded at the score card, where he was whomping my ass by about fifty points. I’m going to blame my poor performance on Cas. I mean, you’re meant to be all distracted when you’re in a new relationship, right? He got two more strikes, just to completely kick my ass, and we left the alley, Sam bouncing along in a pretty good mood and ribbing me constantly about my bad aim. We got back to the bunker, and he went into his room, laughing at how he kicked my ass still, and I went into my room, where I found Cas sitting on my bed, watching the doorway. I stepped into the room quickly, closing the door behind me and kicking off my boots as I crossed the room to him, sinking down on the bed beside him and pulling him close. But when I kissed him, he pushed me away.

‘What, are you off me again?’ I teased him. He shook his head, and rested his forehead against mine.

‘No, Dean. Of course not. But I want us to slow down. You said you were happy to wait for Cassie and Lisa. Can you wait for me?’

‘Of course, Cas. We can still make out though, right?’

Cas nodded, but his mind was clearly elsewhere. Maybe I was in a sappy mood, or maybe I was just completely defeated from losing at bowling, because the next words out of my mouth were pretty lame.

‘How about we do something else?’

‘Dean-‘

‘No, trust me, Cas. Sit forward a little and close your eyes.’

He gave me a suspicious look, but went with it. I reached over, and did something my mom used to do at bedtime to calm me down and make me sleepy. I traced my fingers all over his face slowly, tenderly, and then stroked along his back, twirling my fingers over every bit of him, like my fingers were learning every inch of his body. I traced along his arms for a moment as well, before coming back and gliding my fingers all over his back. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking about this, or if it annoyed him that I planned to do it for a while. He was quiet and still, and I shifted around so I was sitting behind him, still tickling along his back with my hands. He sighed happily, and after a few minutes, he leaned back into me. I traced my fingers up his side and slid them slowly along his neck, tickling the sensitive skin there. He tilted his head back further as I carried on tracing along his neck.

‘This feels wonderful, Dean,’ Cas sounded far away, even though he was right in front of me, kinda mushing me up against the headboard.

‘Good, it’s meant to,’ I kissed his temple.

‘Thank you,’ he whispered.

‘Sure.’ I stopped stroking along his neck and wound my arms around him.

‘I meant, for agreeing to give us a try, for saying you’ll be patient with me, for everything.’

I rested my head on his shoulder.

‘Yeah, well. Hey, you wanna go do something? I mean, we haven’t even had a date yet.’

His head rocked forward, moving away from me like I’d startled him, and then he settled back, curling into me again. That was weird.

‘I’m happy here right now, Dean. Just sitting here with you.’

I decided not to question any of it, the weird reaction, or the way he covered it up, or even where we’re going. I’m just happy where we are right now.


	7. Chapter 7

You ever wake up and feel like something big’s changed in the night and you can’t put your finger on it? I had that. I felt like I’d gone to bed with a girl, and woken up without her. But more than that, weren’t we staying in a motel, on our way back from killing that djinn? Why the hell was I waking up in the bunker? The djinn didn’t get to me and make me hallucinate until Sam rescued me, did it? Have I been out of it since then? Geez, no wonder I woke up feeling like crap.

I headed to the kitchen for coffee, lots and lots of coffee, and saw Sam sitting at the table, reading through a newspaper.

‘Brewed a fresh pot,’ he told the paper.

‘Mmm. Good.’ I poured a cup and sat opposite him.

‘Where’s Cas?’

I shrugged, and he looked up at me.

‘I don’t keep the guy on a leash.’

Sam got his bitch face on, and turned a page.

‘So how’s it going? With you and him?’

He was still staring at the paper, avoiding my glare. So I guess Cas and me haven’t been that subtle, or Sam’s been awake the whole damn time.

‘Bite me.’ I said instead. And then I squinted at the paper. ‘Oh, that’s messed up.’

He looked for what I was referring to, saw I was staring at the front page.

‘What? The bi-elections?’

‘No, the date on the paper. Did you buy a paper from the future?’

Sam tilted the paper to look at the top of the page.

‘It’s fine, Dean.’

‘It’s the sixth.’

Sam looked at me like I’d lost it.

‘You still think it’s Tuesday?’

‘It’s not mystery spot, Sammy. It is freaking Tuesday.’

‘Dean, that was last week. What’s going on with you?’

‘Nothing’s going on with me. Your paper’s wrong, and so are you.’

Sam ruffled through the pages quickly, and showed me an ad.

‘Okay, if you’re right, then this carnival hasn’t pulled in yet over near Tulsa. We’ll go check it out. But if I’m right - which I am - it’s the last night they’re here.’

I glared at him, and he looked over at the doorway for a second before looking back at me.

‘Well, anyway. We should go.’ He shrugged like that would solve everything, and I grabbed my coffee as I rolled my eyes, gulping some down and spotting Cas, who had just walked in, looking between us like a grenade had just gone off.

‘Sure, I’ll prove you wrong. Cas? Sam thinks we should go to a carnival that’s happening “tonight”, want to come?’

I did the quote thing with my fingers, still glaring at Sam. Sam raised an eyebrow back, like it was so surprising that I’d ask Cas to come along.

‘That sounds wonderful, Dean.’

I looked at him, and he smiled back in that dopey way he does, and Sam stood up. Is he pissed that Cas was there? He looked down at me with that bitch face on.

‘I’m going to scan online for any more cases. Maybe tomorrow we can get back to work?’

Like I’ve been slacking off. I pulled the paper towards me as Cas took Sam’s chair. I could feel his eyes burning into me as I tried to work out how the hell Sam had pulled this paper prank off. It looks pretty legit.

‘Is everything okay, Dean?’ Cas asked as I tried to find a goof article.

‘Mmm, yeah, sure. Sam’s full of shit, that’s all.’

It was quiet for a while, and I finished my coffee, still scanning the paper, feeling Cas’ eyes on me. It gives me the weirdest sense of deja vu. It shouldn’t, Cas stares at me all the freaking time. He finally spoke when I put my cup down.

‘So, this carnival visit, is this going to be our date?’

I laughed a little, and stopped quickly, looking up at him. He’s got this hopeful expression on his face, which makes him look extra adorable.

Fuck, did I just think that? Anyway, I kinda have to explain to the guy why I can’t do our date tonight. Maybe tomorrow. I’m looking forward to it, whenever it happens.

‘Sam’ll be there. And there won’t be a carnival.’

He crumpled into the seat like I’d just broken up with him, and I found myself backpedalling. Although, guy really needs more of a backbone. I’m okay with dating him, he shouldn’t be so damn needy.

‘Hey, Cas, it’ll be okay. We’ll do something tomorrow, maybe? Or how about this, if Sam isn’t being the biggest dick on the planet right now, and there is a carnival? We try and ditch him on a ride and make it our date.’

‘Are you sure?’ He did a pitiful impression of not giving a rats ass. I tried to hold it together. It’s not his fault Sam’s been a douchebag this morning.

‘Cas, I wasn’t … this isn’t about us dating, okay? I don’t think the carnival really exists. If I’m wrong, then we’ll make it about us. It’s just Sam being Sam. It’s not you.’

I grabbed his hand, trying to soothe his worries by rubbing my thumb across the back, and he sat up a little straighter, looking at my mouth like it was some kind of target. I felt a jolt deep down, like just that look was turning me on. When did that happen? When did it go from being a little bit curious about what Cas was asking for to wanting to fool around with him? I swallowed hard, trying to figure this out. Maybe we can just go back to my room and do whatever and completely blow off Sam?

‘Hey, so um, we’ll probably head out in a couple of hours,’ I began, then got unstuck. With a human, I could easily get him in my room, and out of his clothes, but with an angel? With this angel? He’s not going to understand a damn thing, is he? He squeezed my fingers and I grabbed my coffee cup with my spare hand, trying to find something to do or say, something that didn’t involve me getting inside that trenchcoat. I tried to drink it, but then I remembered that I already had. God, what’s he doing to me right now? I let go of his hand, grabbed Sam’s cup and headed for the sink, taking my time to wash up. I could feel his gaze burning into me, and I knew his attention was on my ass. He wouldn’t say no to doing whatever in my room, would he? I turned around as I dried my hands, and he took a moment to raise his eyes, which had been checking out my ass. And then my dick. I put the towel away, and tried to find some way to say what was on my mind. Which, honestly, was just _blow me, Cas_. He would if I asked, wouldn’t he?

‘Cas, last time someone looked at me like that, I got laid.’

His eyes swept down my body and back up. Screw it, I’m taking that as permission. I walked back over to him, standing just in front of his chair, bending down to whisper in his ear.

‘How about when we see that the carnival’s a figment of Sam’s imagination we ditch him anyway and have that date?’

He took a second to answer. Does he get what I’m saying to him?

‘Is that what you want, Dean?’

What I want is to fuck him, right now. I haven’t got laid in a while. And he can’t keep looking at me like that, not today. I kissed his forehead, holding his head as I kissed down his nose slowly, trying to savour the feeling. Cas held his breath as I kissed his mouth, barely touching him, just catching at his lips, trying to drive him as crazy as he was driving me.

‘Does that answer your question?’

Cas grabbed my shoulders, and tugged me towards him, kissing me almost violently. Yeah, I’m about to screw him. And it doesn’t even feel weird, it feels like we’re meant to be doing this. I threw my leg over his, sliding down his body until I was sitting on him, still kissing him like I was trying to eat his face, pushing against him so he got the message, the one that said _I want to fuck you, Cas_. He pulled me closer, like he was saying _I want to screw you too, Dean_. I heard myself groan, grabbing onto his head tighter, forcing his head back, trying to get my tongue all the way down his throat. I could hear the scrape of the chair leg as we made the chair rock, and I wondered if we were going to make it into my bedroom. Hell, we probably wouldn’t make it out of the kitchen. Or off of this damn chair.

And then there was a loud metallic ringing sound. I pulled away from Cas, who looked completely blissed out already, and turned to see Sam standing by the sink, rolling his eyes at Cas and me. Well, he was asking earlier, now he knows.

‘Come on, Dean. The carnival’s a few hours away.’ He pulled a face like it was painful to see Cas and me like we were, caught up in each other on a chair. ‘Maybe lend Cas some clothes. Who wears a suit and a trench coat to a carnival?’

Sam walked out the room, and even though every part of me wanted Cas right then, I forced myself to get off him, to step away. He looked confused, like I was sending him mixed messages, and all I wanted was to climb back on him and forget all about Sam and his belief that time is passing faster than it is. I forced myself to choke out an explanation, because Sam will keep interrupting us until he gets his own way.

‘He’s a bitch, but he has a point. We’ll finish this off later, okay?’ I touched his mouth, tracing over it with my thumb, letting him know it’s not him, and he nodded, wide-eyed. Man, I can’t handle him like that! I grabbed his tie, using it to pull him along with me as I went back to my room. And I was tempted to lock us in and try to break the bed, but maybe I should hold off. I might confuse him if we fuck before we go on this all important date. But man, I want to fuck him. I made myself concentrate on giving him some clothes, passing them to him and kissing him again. I couldn’t resist. God, what happened overnight to make me so fucking horny?

‘Get dressed, we’re going soon. I think I have some sneakers somewhere you can use as well.’ Cas blinked at me slowly, looking completely dazed. And completely fuckable. I need to hold it together. ‘Don’t give me that look.’

I walked out to give him the chance to get dressed, and hurried into the bathroom to knock one out, door locked behind me as I stood over the toilet, pants around my ankles and leaning against the wall, my head full of images of Cas’ last look and the way he kissed me in the kitchen as I worked myself over. As I was getting close, the images changed, and I could picture him under me, with a full-on sex face as I rammed into him. I didn’t need to do much after that image, I came everywhere, breathing heavily, leaning hard against the wall. We haven’t even left yet, and I already can’t wait to get him home.

*

I hated the car ride. Sam gave directions the entire time, still in full out bitch mode. Like, I get it already Sam, you think you’re right. You’re full of bullshit. I mean, how can I have lost an entire week? If this is some bullshit prank of his, he can fuck off. Unless it was the djinn, and that wiped me out for a week, but Sam didn’t say shit about that. Dude, I am so pissed off with him. At least Cas came along, looking damn sexy in my clothes. Sam has no idea that we’re planning to ditch him to fool around.

Sam pointed the way into the field that was being used as a car park, and I could see a Ferris wheel in the distance, and a giant tent where I guess all the oddities were. Fuck, Sam’s right. And the little bitch had to do an I told you so, didn’t he? He stuck his hand out, pointing out the Ferris wheel. Yeah, I see it, dickbag.

‘Carnival.’

I gave one shitty look, and climbed out of the car, knocking on the window for Cas. Sam walked off for the entrance, and Cas left the car like a human, watching me like I was going to bite his head off. I might nibble it, a little.

‘Is everything okay, Dean?’

‘Yeah, don’t worry about it. Come on, I wanna feed you up on carny food and then watch you puke on the Helter Skelter.’ I tried to get into the mood. I mean, an angel at a carnival? It’s going to be so funny. And I’ll get him to suck my dick in the Portapottys if I have to. He frowned like he didn’t get it. 

‘I thought this was a date?’

I smiled at that, putting my arm around him as I did, trying to hold back the urge to push him up against Baby and get under the shirt he’s wearing.

‘Sure babe, this can be our date.’

Cas leaned into me, practically laying his head on my shoulder. He’s such a cute little puppy dog. We caught up with Sammy at the fairground gate, and he rolled his eyes at us, like we were being an insufferable couple. Is that what we are? I mean, I said take it a date at a time, but I’m really comfortable with him. It wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, being Cas’ boyfriend.

‘I’ve paid already,’ Sam snarked, and headed in. I took my arm from Cas’ shoulder, and took his hand instead, pulling him through the entrance gate and checking to see which way Sam went. We’re going the other way. I pointed Cas to one of those fairground rides, the Tilt-A-Whirl.

‘Let him cool down, we’ll go have some fun. Come on.’ I kissed him again, noticing how quiet Cas was. Does he just not get what a carnival’s about? Or is he worried that because I’m pissed at Sam I’ll be pissed at him too? We climbed up into the ride, and into one of the cars, and as soon as he was settled I brought the safety bar down, locking us into the car. He looked down at the bar as I looked at him, trying to work out what was going on in his head.

‘Dean? Are we about to get tortured?’

I laughed as the ride started up.

‘Some would say that. It’s going to be fun, Cas. Here we go.’

And the ride kicked in, spinning around as we went around the track. I started laughing as we got knocked into each other, and I tried to put my arm back around him, reassure him, because as far as I could see in the chaos, he looked a little green. I couldn’t ask him if he was okay, the music was too loud. And when the ride stopped, his eyes were bugging out. I didn’t think he’d be able to stand, let alone talk. I held out my hand to help him out the car, but he passed it off, like he didn’t want me to see how much he hadn’t liked the ride. Like he couldn’t get more fuckable. I took his hand anyway, to keep him close, and looked around the fairground once we were off the ride and out of the queue.

‘Wanna go in the haunted house?’ I asked as I spotted it. God, how bad is that going to be? ‘See if it’ll freak us out.’

‘They have a house inhabited by ghosts? Do they know a failed Reaper?’

I stopped walking and rounded on the guy, standing closer than I normally let him get. I don’t think he cared about the lack of personal space. He never really remembers, anyway.

‘Cas, it’s a tacky carny ride. But it’s dark and a great place to make out. Especially when you get scared.’

‘I’ve been fighting demons since your species developed, Dean, I won’t be scared.’

‘It’s tacky as hell, of course you would be.’

I winked at him, and started heading over to it, feeling a tug on my pants as Cas grabbed my back pocket. I reached back and made sure his entire hand was in there. He didn’t touch my ass as we walked, and I wished he would. Like, come on man, you said you want me and I’m giving you all the signals, do something, right? But he didn’t, even in the short queue. I looked over my shoulder at him, leaning back slightly while we waited for our turn.

‘Here we go. You’re going to have to let go of my butt for the ride.’

He took his hand out straight away, like I’d told him not to. Jesus, what does a guy have to do to get felt up around here? We got into the tiny cart, squished up together and I put my arm around him, as the thing shuddered and pushed us into the gloom of the ride. Everything was in dim lights, covered in fake cobwebs. The werewolf looked half bald, and one of the skeletons was missing an arm. And people find this stuff scary? What’s next, a sheet with black paint for a ghost? I looked at Cas through the poor lighting, enjoying the fact I could just look at his profile in the dark, and think _he’s mine_ , without anyone knowing what was running through my head.

‘I see what you mean about the tack,’ he whispered, and turned his head. Something moved beside me, but all I could focus on was him. I wriggled as close as I could to him, and aimed my mouth in the direction of his face. I don’t even care what bit of him I got, I’m still a mess of tension from earlier. I slowly made my way to his mouth, and he kissed me back just as desperately as he had in the kitchen of the bunker. I am so in with him tonight. Like seriously, something really bad would have to happen for me not to get laid tonight.

The ride was over way too early, the light from outside almost blinding me after the darkness of the ride. Cas jumped out of the cart first, and led the way out of the queue, and as soon as I could I grabbed hold of his waist, kissing his neck and walking with him, looking around at all the stuff to do.

‘So did you wanna go on another ride? Find Sammy? What do you wanna do?’ I asked after we covered about half of the fun fair. We’re just walking, and that’s fine, but we can do that anywhere. I wanna go on more rides, I want an excuse to touch him. Cas took a moment to answer, like he was editing in his head, and then he nodded over to a stand to the right.

‘How about that?’

The stand was one of those pop-cork, knock-a-bottle-stack-for-a-prize games, the plywood covered in tacky-ass teddies. Does he think I’m game so long as there’s a gun? I laughed at that idea. He’s such a freaking angel.

‘Want me to win you the big teddy?’

He frowned like he didn’t understand, but why else would he have pointed it out, right? It would be totally Cas to want one. I went forward and paid for a round, lifting the gun up and taking aim. The first one barely moved a single bottle, and I know my aim was good. I looked at the carny, who was smoking something that definitely wasn’t an ordinary cigarette. Is this damn thing rigged? I shot again, and saw the cork bounce off the bottles, and they still didn’t shift.

‘Is this damn game rigged?’ I growled at the guy who was getting loaded right in front of me.

‘Of course not. We carnies are honest folk.’

Yeah, I believe that shit. I shot my last cork, and still nothing moved.

‘Hard luck, my friend.’

‘Okay, listen up you skunk-riddled douchebag. We both know those bottles are glued together. So you’re going to give me a goddamn prize.’

‘Look, the rules of the game-‘

I pulled out my fed badge, and flashed it at him.

‘I may be off duty, but I will still bring you down. So what’re we going to do, huh?’

The guy reached under the counter, and gave me a lopsided rabbit in a neon pink colour. Real fucking funny.

‘I’ll be watching you,’ I threatened, and turned around to pass Cas his damn bunny. And then I blinked a couple of times, because in front of me … is he fucking making out with someone else? Some _girl_? We’re on a freaking date! He’s in love with me! Just what the hell, Cas?!

I walked off, heading to a nearby food stand that promised beer and carbs by the truckload. Leave him to it, he wants to make out with someone else? Fine. Like I couldn’t pick up a chick in a minute.

‘Hey Dean, where’s Cas?’

Sam had just left the front of the queue, holding a bottle of water. He looked straight at the pink rabbit.

‘Nice bunny, yours?’

‘I won it for Cas. He’s busy. Angel business. Do you wanna go?’

Sam nodded, and I followed him back to the car, trying not to be so pissed off. How could he just make out with some girl like I didn’t matter? It’s fucking ridiculous. I take it back, what I thought in the bunker. Cas and me are totally over.

Sam drove, and I sulked in the front seat. Sam didn’t ask any questions, and I was grateful for that. I couldn’t deal with a painful heart-to-heart. As soon as we got back to the bunker, I went to my room with the bunny, barely saying goodnight to Sam, and turning on the TV, grateful when Dr Sexy, MD came on. I had a minifridge that Sam doesn’t know about under my bed, full of beer, and I pulled one out as I watched the show. Dr Sexy wouldn’t fuck about with a nurse like this.

My beer didn’t last long enough. I just wanted oblivion. I got under the covers, the show still on, and fell asleep to the sounds of Dr Sexy and nurse Piccolo, which wasn’t as comforting as I would’ve liked.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GrammarDemon tells me that there's a Coldplay song that works really well halfway through this chapter. It's called Sparks, and the first verse is something like:
> 
> Did I drive you away?  
> I know what you'll say,  
> You say, "Oh, sing one we know",  
> But I promise you this,  
> I'll always look out for you,  
> That's what I'll do.
> 
> Find that song, and play it when they're in Dean's room together :) any other playlist suggestions are welcome!

I woke up feeling pissed. Pissed and sad. I couldn’t place the feeling. But before I could dwell too much on my feelings like some woman, I noticed I was in the bunker. What the hell? Like, Sam and I just got rid of that djinn, and we went to sleep in our freaking motel. Did the djinn get to me? Am I hallucinating right now? Or did Sam have to save my sorry ass? I walked into the kitchen to grab some coffee and some donuts, and found him out in the meeting room, drinking his own coffee and eating a bowl of muesli.

‘Hey Dean,’ he nodded at me, as I sat down opposite him, cracking into my donut box. Mmmmm, powdered sugar. ‘What day is it?’

’Tuesday. Sixth.’

Sam sighed.

‘Try Sunday, eleventh. What’s going on with you? I thought the carnival proved it. I thought you got that you were missing days.’

I stuffed my donut in my mouth, thinking. What carnival?

‘What does Cas think? He must’ve noticed your memory issues.’

I chewed the donut furiously, swallowing hard.

‘Why would Cas care?’

Sam squinted at me, like I was being the asshole.

‘Did you fight? I mean, you won that thing for him but he bailed. Was it a fight?’

‘You know what, Sammy? Too far.’

Has Sam worked out that I agreed to a date with Cas? And what’s he even talking about?

‘Dean, what’s your problem?’ Sam demanded, as Cas wondered in, looking like he’s accidentally arrived in the room. I felt a jolt in my stomach, that had nothing to do with fighting with Sam. I didn’t recognise it, at all. All I know is, it came when I saw Cas. I made myself focus on Sam, raising my voice instead of having to deal with whatever just happened then.

‘Maybe, Sam, the problem is you, huh? You think on that?’ I snapped. He didn’t look impressed.

‘Can I not just be concerned for you? Dean, it’s been like, six days of the same thing!’

‘How about you grow a pair?’ I snarled, focusing on the whole concern shit, before turning around and heading for the record room. I called over my shoulder. ‘I’m researching the hell out of djinn!’

I could hear Sam talking to Cas as I walked down the hallway. I couldn’t make out the words, but I knew Sam was trying to get Cas on side to talk to me, like I was a freaking problem. I think the djinn got to both of us, somehow. Man, I hope we’re not under its spell, still. That would blow. If that’s the case, did it get Cas too? Or can he somehow save us? He can have all the dates he wants if he does.

Everything feels real though, unlike the last time I was caught by a djinn. I’m not fighting to see the visions of other victims. The door, the walls, they’re all solid. There’s nothing illogical, except maybe Sam’s behaviour. I grabbed the first chunk of files I came across and sat at the desk, flipping through, looking for a reference for djinn. These records are even better than Bobby’s collection. Although, I would never actually tell Bobby that. Hell, if he ever found this place, he’d bring a case of liquor in here and move in. He would have loved the record room.

I was starting to calm down, looking through the reports, when I sensed Cas hovering in the doorway. I knew it was Cas, not Sam because he stood there quietly, barely moving. Sam would slump across the doorframe, his big feet everywhere, and he would talk. Cas waits for me. Oh, and I felt that same jolt in my stomach and it makes no sense still, except that it’s connected to Cas. I turned over a page, trying to play it cool, before I spoke. He better not be here as a favour to Sam.

‘Cas, are you in or out?’ I could feel him stepping closer, moving slowly, before he took the chair opposite me. He’s staring at me again, and I really can’t get into that when I’m trying to work. If I look up, he’s going to end up on the table, the files be damned. And I can’t even work out why I want to throw him there and then make out with him. Maybe it’s all the talking about dating lately, he’s got in my head. I need to focus. ‘While you’re here, you mind helping me? Sam’s been acting strange, I think he got messed up by the djinn we killed yesterday. I need to find whatever records the Men of Letters have on djinn, so I can help him. Okay?’  
Cas didn’t grab a file and get down to it, like I thought he might. He sat there quietly for ages, and I managed to scan another couple of pages before he started talking.

‘Dean? Can I talk to you about something?’

I grunted at him. I want to talk to him, of course I do, but if he’s playing errand boy for Sam then shit’s going to go down. He’s my angel. Sam has to get his own. Cas decided I was being a dick but still said yes. That’s pretty confident for him.

‘I kissed Meg. Well, she kissed me, but I didn’t exactly push her off. I’m sorry, Dean.’

Of all the things he could’ve said to me, that’s probably way down on my list. I looked up, putting the file down, giving him my full attention. What’s his point?

‘Why’re you sorry?’

‘Well, because you and I- the whole dating thing-‘

The whole dating thing as in we agreed to see if we’d work, dating? Are we exclusive or something? I mean, we haven’t actually started yet, right? So why’s he getting so worked up? I can see he’s getting worked up, he’s got that confused face on and his shoulders are all tensed up.

‘Did you want to kiss her?’

‘No, of course not! You know how I feel about you.’

Yeah, I know how he feels about me. I wish I could work out how I feel about him, because I didn’t think I was bothered but now I just want to get him to relax. And then maybe screw him. I looked back at the file, and knew I had to get back on it. For Sammy.

‘It’s no big deal then, is it? It happened, it’s over, we can move on. Can I concentrate now? We’ll talk later.’

Cas stayed still for a few moments, and then his voice went as snarky as he could manage to make it.

‘That’s fine. I have things to do in Heaven. I’ll see you later?’

I made an agreeing noise, and he left with that sound of wings, and I sat back in my chair, rubbing my face in my hands. Why did it suddenly feel like we were having a fight? I wasn’t trying to fight him, I was trying to fight myself. I don’t care if he banged Meg, so long as he didn’t do it on a date or something. And since we haven’t done that yet, what’s the big deal? Has he worked himself up over it? Did that bitch say something to him? Once I’m done hunting through this stuff, I’ll call him back and make it up with him. We’ll talk properly.

*

It took hours and hours of research, of Sam coming up to me every couple of hours with beer or pie or a burger to try and bribe me into talking to him. I stayed stuck in the files, pretending he wasn’t talking.

The burger was pretty good. The pie was better. That doesn’t mean Sam and I are okay. It just means I won’t waste good food.

I was tired of looking through the files, none of which seemed to even know what a djinn was. I could picture Bobby being pissed off that there’s so much in the room and nothing on the monster we’re looking at. Hell, even I’m pissed off about that. But mainly, I need to give my brain a break. I need a shower, and I need to clear things up with Cas. So I prayed as I headed into the bathroom, hoping that Sam couldn’t overhear me.

‘Cas? I know you’re busy, but I’d really like to see you. When you can make it, you know? I’m going for a shower now, but I’ll wait up for you after that. It’s been weird, not having you around today.’

I waited for a second, in case Cas showed up in the bathroom. But he didn’t, and I can’t tell if I felt relieved or not. He’s not here, invisible, waiting for me to strip naked, is he? I mean, I don’t have a problem getting naked with him, I just don’t want him invisible while it happens.

I got in the shower, feeling the force of the water working at my muscles, which kinda ached after being hunched over the table all day, reading. I need to stretch them somehow. Maybe, if Cas isn’t totally pissed off with me, he’ll help out with that.

Padding down the hall, after the shower, I could hear Sam in his own room, clicking away at the keys on his laptop. God knows what he’s doing on there. I got into my room, and flopped down on the bed, flipping over to look up at the ceiling, and saw Cas standing awkwardly in the corner, staring at my towel. He’s such a pervert, for an angel. Still, it’s a good sign, he might be willing to help stretch my muscles. I’ll bring it up slowly.

‘Hey, you came pretty quickly.’ I grinned at him. 

‘Well, you asked me to.’

I nodded, because that was true, but there’s something still off with him. I tried to pretend not to notice. If I know Cas like I think I do, if I act like I haven’t noticed, he’ll forget it soon enough.

‘I know, but I know you were busy. Hey, shut the door, make yourself comfortable.’

What I wanted to tell him was to shut the door, strip off, and come lay with me. Then I’d work on both of our moods. He flicked his fingers and the door swung shut, and he carried on staring at me from his corner. I tied the towel tighter around my waist, and gestured for him to come over. He still just stood there. Its like he’s trying to be a dick. In the end, I had to tell him what the hell I meant, which was awkward for me. Why can’t I just show him?

‘Cas, get on the bed with me.’

He looked a little nauseous for a moment, but then he started taking off his clothes. I’m glad he got that message. He was awkward as he took his coat off, and his jacket, and I could see him fumbling over the belt buckle, but that didn’t matter to me. I could feel that pull in my stomach, but it was making me smile instead of freaking me out. He is so adorably Cas. He stopped at his underwear which were scary white considering the guy never changes his clothes, and then he climbed onto the bed, moving slowly, stopping short of touching me, and lay down next to me. That wasn’t quite what I meant, and I know he knows that, because why else would he take his clothes off? I waited for him to say something, to roll over on top of me, to reach out and touch my hand. Something. But he seemed happy to just be there.

‘This is awkward,’ I told the ceiling. If I look at him, it’ll be weirder.

‘You wanted me to join you on your bed, I have done.’

I laughed. God, why does he always have to be so damn literal?

‘That’s not what I meant, Cas. Come here.’

I reached over until I found him, tracing my fingers along until I found his wrist, and pulled at it, hoping he’d understand that I want the contact. He’s skinny, and soft, and nothing like what I thought an angel would be like. He rolled so he was half on my chest, half on the bed, leaning up over me, his eyes bulging like he couldn’t believe we were in this position. We’ve barely even started. I ran my hand back up his arm, and he started stroking his fingers along my face. He’s like a kid discovering something new and exciting, the way he’s eager to touch me but holding back in case I break at the same time. He watched what he was doing, like he was memorising me, and I watched him, watched that look of wonder and curiosity on his face. I’ve never been like this with anyone before. Normally if we’re on the bed, I’m halfway into their underwear already. Somehow, that doesn’t totally feel right with Cas.

‘That feels nice,’ I told him, closing my eyes and letting his fingers relax me. He started touching other parts of my face, moving from my cheek to touch everywhere. I kept my eyes closed, enjoying the feel of his cool fingers stroking gently over my skin. Whatever this is, I’m pretty happy with it right now. I carried on running my hand up his arm, grazing along his neck, and rubbed my fingers around his ear. And then I opened my eyes, because I want to see his face when he smiles about this. I wanna know I’m making him happy. But he froze like he’d been caught doing something wrong and moved his hand away from my face, tucking it by my side instead, nearly in my armpit. I brushed my thumb down his cheek in a pathetic echo of what he’d just done to me. I think I hurt his feelings earlier.

‘I wasn’t trying to blow you off earlier, Cas.’

‘Okay.’ He answered too quickly, like it had got to him but he didn’t want me to know. I feel like shit, knowing I made him feel like this.

‘Hey, don’t be mad,’ I started scratching at his head. I love when people do that to me. He looked pissed off for about three seconds, and then he closed his eyes and pushed into my fingers. Yeah, I knew it wasn’t just me who liked that. ‘I’m going to make it up to you now, okay?’

‘How’re you going to do that?’ He whispered. God, he sounds hot like that. I’m going to scratch his head more often. I laughed a little before I answered.

‘Think I already am,’ I dropped my voice, trying to compete with him. He nodded slowly, still pushing against my nails. Its like playing with an animal, doing this to Cas. He looks so blissed out. ‘Is this what you wanted, Cas? When you asked me out?’  
It’s what I wanted. Just him, and me, and my bed, and time standing still like it feels it is right now.

‘What do you mean?’ he sounded almost drugged when he spoke. And his voice had gone deeper, and it was kinda turning me on. I can’t work out if he’s doing it on purpose or not.

‘This, you and me, in our own little world. Is it what you wanted?’

‘I don’t know, Dean. I just wanted you.’

‘I prefer this, you know. Just us.’

I’m doing pillow talk with Cas. I haven’t done that with anyone since Lisa. And it feels better than it did with Lisa. Cas and me, we don’t have secrets. Not really. I never stood a chance against the guy, did I? The second he started trying to talk about ‘human mating rituals’ I should’ve known we’d end up in bed together, wrapped around one another, not having sex. I think I did know, deep down. That’s why I fought against it, at least a little. It feels right, doing this with Cas. I just have to know what he’s really expecting from me.

‘What were you after, Cas?’ He opened his eyes, looking dopey from the head scratch. ‘Be honest.’

‘I don’t know, Dean-‘

‘Please, Cas. Tell me.’

He looked down at me for ages, like he was debating how much he could even reveal. I know how he feels about me, I know that this isn’t a temporary thing for him, but I don’t know the details. Does he want sex? Does he want more of this? How much is he willing to compromise?

‘I wanted more than just one date.’

‘I know.’ It felt like there was something in my throat. He must have heard the change, because he just started talking, and his eyes lit up and he was smiling and I could tell he was picturing everything he was telling me.

‘I like all the dates you’ve been talking about, they sound nice, and completely human experiences. But I want to do more than those, I want to travel across the world with you, and show you everything that humans have achieved, everything my Father made to be admired. I want to take you to the coral reefs in Australia, the barren plains of Russia, the peak of Mount Everest. I want to show you things no other human has seen, like the bottom of the ocean and the view from Mars. I want to take you back to the Mayans, the Egyptians, when Columbus discovered America, or take you forward to see what could possibly come for your species in the future. I guess I just want to show you everything I love.’

He wants commitment, doesn’t he? But more than that, I could start seeing it, Cas zapping us into a jungle and pointing out the snakes that lived there, or climbing the Great Wall in China, him clinging onto my hand with the excitement of seeing my reaction. And I didn’t hate it. I didn’t miss it either, what he was saying at the end. Sharing things he loves with the person he loves. I don’t think I deserve that.

‘Cas,’ I stopped scratching his head, holding his chin instead, making sure I had his full attention. I want him to be clear on what I’m saying. ‘Maybe we could work something out.’

I think I broke his brain. His gaze was unfocused and he gave this little gasp. I was about to start explaining what I meant, the best way I could, when my door swung open and Sam walked in, talking. Doesn’t he knock?

‘Are you going to sulk all day, Dean or can we-JESUS!’ He looked between me at Cas, standing near the foot of the bed. Well, guess that’s the cat out of the bag, he knows Cas and me are fooling around. He has shitty timing too. I can’t let him in on what Cas and me were talking about. That’s between the two of us.

‘No, it’s Cas. Is Jesus a compliment?’ I grinned at Cas, but the happy look on his face had been replaced by that blank expression he gets when he closes off. Sam walking in changed his mood completely. I need to get rid of Sam and get back to how Cas and me were.

‘Jesus was a man, not an angel.’ Cas sulked, and looked away from me. I’ll take that as a no. I turned to the cockblocker.

‘Can you go now?’

‘Yeah, I need to go burn my eyes out now. Maybe put a bullet in my brain. Because Dean? Your towel isn’t covering a thing.’

Like Sam’s never seen me naked. Occupational hazard of life on the road. He walked out, and I saw Cas’s head bob down, like he was scoping out the towel. I laughed, because he must have thought I couldn’t see him do it.

‘Are you trying to get in on the show?’

‘No, I just,’ he finally looked at me again, and his expression relaxed. He knows I’m teasing him. It’s his show. ‘I didn’t think Sam was correct. And he’s not, you’re covered.’

‘Do you want me to be covered?’

I’m so not bothered about my towel. I’m dry, I don’t need it. But Cas seemed really wired up about it. Hasn’t he seen another person naked before? I mean, I know he’s a virgin, unless he’s fooled around with someone in the last few years and he hasn’t told me. Still, wouldn’t he have seen someone naked? Like that Daphne chick?

‘I don’t know, Dean.’ He whispered eventually. He’s withdrawn still.

‘Hey, Sam’s not going to come in again, quit worrying.’

‘I’m not.” He looked back at me like that would convince me.

‘Yeah, you are. I know you, Cas. Talk to me.’

‘I’m not worried about Sam.’

He sounds sulky. But I now know how to get him to blab, so I started scratching his head again, holding his chin still so he can’t escape it. His eyes fluttered for a moment, and I knew I’d won.

‘What’re you worried about?’ I whispered, rolling towards him like we needed extra privacy so he could confess what was on his mind. It seemed to work, but then I knew it probably would.

‘It’s just … I’ve fallen for you in so many ways, Dean,’ I winced. He’s not going to say he loves me or something stupid, is he? I mean, we’re close, and we’ve been talking about dating for forever, but the first time we’re like this? That’s too soon for me. ‘And Heaven has always taken me back, which is more than any other rebellious angel has ever been granted. I’m worried that if we continue like this, I won’t be taken back again. I’ll be in a worse position than Lucifer.’

Oh. _Oh._ He means fallen as in, fell from Heaven, fell from grace, whatever. I know that place is important to him, even if its full of dicks. It’s his home. I can respect that. But I don’t think it makes any difference, if stuff happens between us. It doesn’t bother the other angels. Anna didn’t hesitate to sleep with me. Its stuff like this that makes Cas one of the better angels. He’s actually got a damn conscience. He started stroking my forehead while I processed what he’d said.

‘The other angels are dicks,’ I told him. ‘It’s not between you and them, Cas. It’s between you and me.’

He frowned, probably because I said his brothers and sisters are dicks. Hey, its the truth. But Cas won’t see it that way.

‘I think it’s between myself and my father, Dean. If he were here still, I would ask his consent to be with you.’

He’s so old-fashioned and naive. It’s cute.

‘Think that’s my job. Do you want to?’

‘Do I want to?’ He sounds confused. Are we not talking about getting it together?

‘Yeah.’

‘Do I want to what?’ He started running his hands through my hair. Do I really have to spell everything out for him? He’s going to freak out.

‘Have sex with me.’

He stopped with my hair, and stared at me instead, and I had to explain it to the guy.

‘I mean, if you could guarantee you’d still be an angel, still be allowed in Heaven, none of that stuff even mattered. Would you want to sleep with me?’

His eyes bugged out as he mouthed a yes at me. Glad it’s mutual.

‘Good. Because I want to fuck your brains out.’

He looks like he’s frozen, like he didn’t expect me to say that. But come on, Cas, you’re doing all the talky, touchy-feely crap, and I just want to get on with the touchy crap. Its how I show how I feel, you know? I ran my hands over his chest and stomach and back, over and over, and he shivered. I love that I made that happen. I want to see what he’ll do with sex talk, whether I could loosen him up and get him to see that the other angels mean fuck all. Whatever’s growing between us is way more important.

‘I want to strip you down, until you’re naked in front of me. I want to kiss you all over, touching you wherever I can, feeling you react to everything. I want you to go down on me, licking and sucking like the only thing you ever needed was my dick, but before you get me off, I spin you around and slam into your ass like sex began with us. And I don’t want to stop, Cas.’

If Cas’ eyes bug out any more, they’re going to fall out completely. His mouth has dropped open and I really want to reach up and kiss him hard, but there’s not that kind of mood. Even with the stuff I was saying to him, it’s too mushy. He finally spoke, his voice low, because I’m not already gagging for it enough.

‘I want to give you that experience, Dean.’

Does he mean that? He seems pretty sincere about it. So what do we do now? He’s serious about the way he feels about Heaven, and I really need to do something with him, something physical. More than this. I dragged my fingers back down his stomach, finding his underwear and pushing them down slowly, making sure at least my fingertips were touching him. I want him turned on too, I want him willing to fuck me. I could feel him suck in his breath as I missed his dick and ran my fingers down his legs as far as I could. He hadn’t said a word since I started, but I could hear his breath shaking, could feel him warming up on my chest. I think it’s working, but I need more leverage, so I pushed him back onto the bed as I sat up, shifting so I could carry on slowly taking his boxers off. They’re bright white, like detergent commercial white, even though I know the guy only has this pair of underpants. My towel untucked as I went, and I let it fall away, my fingers skimming the material away from his knees now, and I forced myself not to look away from his eyes until he was fully naked, and I could give him all my attention. I know I have to take my time with him.

I finally pulled his boxers off completely, dumping them on my bedroom floor, eyes flickering along his body as I sat up. He’s so thin, I can see his hip bones sticking up, his stomach dipping down between them. And when I finally, finally let myself look at him, I felt a little disappointed. Cas is … well, he’s pretty big. Bigger than me. It’s the worst time to get dick envy, but I got it anyway. I had to pep-talk myself quickly. Like, _Cas is your boyfriend now, you get all the fun of his dick, this is a good thing. And you’re talented, so he’s not going to give a shit that you’re smaller. You can work magic. And he’ll be so thrilled it’s you that size isn’t going to matter to him. Get the fuck over it._

‘Dean,’ he groaned, like I was touching him, instead of just looking. I haven’t totally forgotten where he stands on all of this. My mental images of us will have to be enough for now. In the mean time, I’m going to have fun with him wherever I can get it. While, you know, respecting him and shit.

‘We won’t do anything, Cas. I get it. But I can still appreciate your body, can’t I?’

‘It’s just a vessel.’ He sounds upset, like he wasn’t good enough for me somehow. We both need to snap out of it.

‘Not to me, it isn’t. It’s all Cas, to me.’

I crawled back up the bed, looking into his eyes again as I laid down on him, not worrying about being too heavy for him. He can handle it. He twisted his legs up with mine, our dicks rubbing together as he did. I was getting hard, and desperate for some kind of physical contact. This isn’t enough for me. I’m only holding back because I know it’s too much for him. I wanna respect him, as much as I can.

‘I’m trying real hard not to fool around with you, you know.’ I confessed.

‘So am I, Dean,’ he whispered back, his lips bumping against my mouth. I’m pretty sure if he keeps that up, I’ll come without him having to touch me. I want him to keep it up. ‘Who are we trying that for?’

Did I hear him right?

‘Well, you said your-‘

‘Please Dean, please touch me.’

I bit my lip, and he groaned against my mouth. I don’t have enough will power to say no to him, but he’s going to regret asking me that, I know he is. Not that he’d regret sleeping with me, but he wouldn’t think it was worth it after everything he said. He carried on begging me, his tone desperate. How am I meant to do the right thing, here? I know I started this, but I wasn’t really thinking beyond making him feel good.

‘Please, please Dean,’ he kissed me, his breath heating my face. ‘Do we have lube?’

Did I hear him right? Lube? How the hell did he know about that?

‘No babe. We don’t,’ I pulled my head back, out of the reach of his mouth, before I lost it completely. I have to think fast. ‘Okay Cas, okay, here’s what we do.’ I pulled at my hair, trying to think. I don’t want to do anything he’ll regret. I want him to feel good. I wanna get off, but I don’t think he’ll know what the hell to do. I have to move carefully, and not let my dick take control. I’ll do something for him. ‘We’re not going to sleep together tonight, it’s too soon. We haven’t even had that date you wanted, not really. And like you pointed out, no lube. But I will do one thing for you. Okay?’

He nodded, breathing like we were fucking already. I kissed him the way I’d been wanting to since I’d prayed to him, and he reacted with an enthusiasm which only made me more turned on. I made myself concentrate, made myself hold back, even as I started moving against him, feeling his dick stiffen. I left his mouth, kissing slowly down his neck, his chest, his stomach, massaging his skin with my hands as I went. He made these gasping noises, like he couldn’t get enough breath, moaning every now and again. Hearing him nearly made me lose it, and I forced myself to keep going, to keep making this about him.

My fingers hit his nipple, and he groaned louder. I latched on to the other one, teasing at it, nibbling it, feeling his body jump around under mine as I sucked at it. He was sticking right into me, feeling even bigger than what I saw earlier. I think I’m going to blow just on his reactions. I started kissing down his body again, and he managed to whisper in between the gasps and moans.

‘What are you going to do to me, Dean?’

How did he manage to make that sound hot?

‘What I said I wanted you to do to me.’

He did nothing for a moment, then put his hands on the top of my head, pushing me down already, shifting his legs so they weren’t wrapped around mine, but were squeezing around my chest instead. Maybe he would know what he’s doing? I let him push me towards his dick, hardly able to resist anymore anyway. He’s huge, there’s no way I’m going to be able to fit all of him in. I kissed slowly along the entire length, and he dug his heels into my sides, pinning me there, as if I’d want to be anywhere else. His groans are louder, less controlled, and I know we can probably be heard halfway across the bunker but I don’t care. I made Cas do that. I licked along him, feeling like it would never end, and when I did eventually get to the tip, I swirled my tongue around it, loving the way he spasmed under me, digging his heels in further. Since when was giving head as good as getting it? I started working down him, trying to get as much of him in me as I could, and he bucked up into my mouth, easily getting into a good rhythm. I really am magic, because this is so damn easy, turning him on. And he tastes like something else, sweeter than I thought he might. Pie doesn’t even taste this good. Almost.

I got lost in what I was doing, in the way he was responding, my only thought was working him the right way to get him down my throat. He must have been touching my tonsils when he blew, and he stopped moving. I stopped moving, letting him empty straight down my throat, feeling smug that I made that happen.

‘Dean?’ His voice was slurred, and the smug feeling got bigger. He sounds totally undone. I slowly pulled myself off him, trying not to gag on the way off, getting a little spunk in my mouth too. It tasted better than his dick. I savoured it for a second, then swallowed, before I looked back up at him. His eyes were glazed, unfocused. He looks damn sexy like that. I wanna do that more often. I crawled back up to him, kissing his shoulder, stroking his arm, letting him know I give a shit, it’s not all about sex.

‘Was that okay?’ His voice is still dopey. I don’t know why he’s asking, it should be me. He curled up into me, and I kissed his shoulder again before answering.

‘Mmm, yeah. How was it for you?’

‘An experience.’ I laughed,my mouth pressed against his skin. I would’ve expected something else from him, like how perfect it was or something.

‘A good one, I hope.’

‘Better.’

He kissed my forehead, and I felt it then, what we were becoming, in just a day. This is a permanent thing, isn’t it? We’re too close for it to be anything but intense. And he knew that, he knew how it would go between us. I looked up, and he was smiling down at me, looking totally sated. I kissed him again, mouths pressed together gently, and I hoped he took the right message from that, because there was no way in hell I could say anything like it out loud. But yes, Cas. You won. I’m completely, totally yours. And I’m probably going to drag you down to hell with me. And I’m not even sorry.


	9. Chapter 9

I woke up feeling completely disoriented. Like something big was missing. Maybe it was the dream I was just having, which must have come about because of the conversations Cas and me have been having lately.

I dreamed that I was in bed with Cas. That we were acting like a real couple, touching each other and Cas making plans for us to go to Tibet or something. And then I sucked his dick, and in the dream I liked it. I also have morning wood right now, so I think that’s got something to do with it.

It feels like I should’ve woken up with him, that he should’ve been in my bed, underneath me. I feel like an ass, wanting him in my bed when we only just agreed to go out. And anyway, just because we were in my bed, in the bunker in the dream, and I woke up in my bed in the bunker, it doesn’t mean we were actually fooling around. Besides, why would I suck his dick? It makes more sense for him to go nuts on mine. But the way the dream went, the way he reacted … I was getting worked up, which didn’t help the morning wood situation. I slipped my hands down, grabbing a hold of myself and moving quickly, and closed my eyes, trying to picture someone from Busty Asian Beauties but only getting Cas from my dream, naked and wide-eyed. I stopped trying to fight it, and just accepted that my head was on Cas, and I was going to stay there until I got some release. I came pretty quickly, covering myself and the bed, and feeling grossed out with myself. What was wrong with me? Would I be a little bitch when I see Cas next? I crawled out of bed and headed straight for the shower, taking way too long in there, and trying to blank the image of his face while I washed myself.

I headed for the kitchen and grabbed some cereal, taking it into the meeting room to eat, trying to take my mind of a certain angel. I need to find something that’ll keep me busy, like going through some more of the relic boxes, and working out what the Men of Letters were doing with them. Sam came breezing in from outside as I was drinking the left over milk straight from the bowl.

‘Dude, manners,’ Sam smirked, slouching in the chair opposite me. ‘How’re you feeling?’

I shrugged. Was I sick?

‘Fine. You?’

‘Yeah, I’m good. What day is it today?’

I rolled my eyes. I don’t get what mood Sammy’s in. His phone beeped and he checked it, smiling, and tapping away at the screen. Guess I’ve been forgotten.

‘Who’s that?’

‘I don’t wanna tell you.’

What?

‘Come on, man, we’re brothers, we tell each other way too much. She some chick?’

Sam sighed, but caved.

‘Fine. I joined a dating site a couple of days ago. I started talking to this one girl, Rebecca? She seems okay. She just emailed me, that’s all. So what day is it?’

‘Tuesday.’ I said slowly. What’s up with him?

‘Yeah, it’s Tuesday, Tuesday th-‘ he cut himself off as his phone beeped again. He scanned the message, and laughed, typing back furiously. Geez, the guy’s already whipped. I grabbed my bowl, heading back for the kitchen to wash up. ‘Oh, Cas went out early this morning, by the way. Said he had some angel stuff to do. I’m going to try and look for a case, you in?’

I shrugged.

‘I was going to go through some more Men of Letter’s stuff, but if you find anything, let me know, right?’

Sam nodded, his eyes on his phone as it pinged again. Instead of replying straight away, he pulled his laptop to him and switched it on. Yeah, he’s going to look for a case. Sure. He’s not going to spend the day flirting with Rebecca at all.

It was when I was washing up the breakfast stuff - including Sam’s, the lazy asshole - that I realised what he’d said. About Cas. Cas went out early this morning, so he was hanging around the bunker last night. Did he hear my dream? Dude would watch me when I sleep, I didn’t talk out loud or anything, did I? I mean, it wasn’t me chasing him off, was it? There’s a legit reason why he’d say he was doing something vaguely angelic to Sam, right?

And there it was again, the image of Cas underneath me, his legs wrapped around me, squeezing me tight as I worked him over, concentrating on his dick. It feels so real. If I keep this up, I’m going to have to make it a reality just to try and get the damn thought out of my head. I don’t know how he’d feel about a blowjob, but maybe I could spin it right?

Okay, yeah, I need a reality check. Relics. That’s what I need to do, I need to go through the relics. I walked back into the room, where Sam’s fingers are flying over his keyboard. Whoever this Rebecca is, he’s got it bad.

‘Hey, so question,’ he started as soon as his fingers stopped tapping on the keys. ‘You and Cas, is it serious?’

I looked up from the box I’d hauled out, ready to go through.

‘Me and Cas?’ My mind is still on the blowjob dream.

‘Yeah, you and Cas.’ Sam frowned at me, and ignored the moment his computer bleeped with Rebecca’s message. ‘Dean, you don’t have to be ashamed.’

He’s blushing, and I can feel my own face getting hot. I don’t want to talk about Cas right now.

‘I’m not ashamed.’ I grunted, and pulled a small wooden box out of the carton, trying to remember what the symbols meant that were scratched into it, whether it would be safe to open it.

‘Well, good. He’s pretty crazy about you, and he’s the best angel to have onside. So, are you having sex yet?’

I practically dropped the box back in amongst the other stuff, and looked up at him, my face definitely burning this time. Since when does Sam ask questions like that? Since when does he think I’d share? And after my dream last night … no, this is too damn much.

‘Shut up,’ I told him, my voice tight. I went back to the box, this time pulling out an old coin strung onto a necklace. He didn’t answer, and suddenly there was the sound of wings rustling in the room. I didn’t look up. God, it’s going to be Cas, and I’m going to have to look him in the eyes and he’ll see exactly what I dreamed we were doing. And I’ll want to do it, whether Sam is in here or not.

‘Hey Cas. We were just talking about you,’ I could hear Sam’s smile. He’s such a bitch.

‘Oh.’

That’s all Cas said back. A moment later, I could hear the keyboard clicking again as Sam talked to Rebecca some more, and Cas had moved closer to me. I cleared my throat, and tried not to be completely affected by him.

‘Hey Cas.’ I put the coin necklace aside nonchalantly, and grabbed up the box again, trying again to decipher the symbols. Anything to avoid his eye contact, because his standing so close to me is having a major effect on me. I wanna drop the relics and press him up against this table. I rubbed my neck nervously while I put the relic box back gently. If those symbols are a curse, I’m not taking any risks. But I can’t fight this feeling much longer. I’ve got to do _something_ with Cas.

I looked up, and he gave me that dopey smile, and I made myself not to grab him and force myself on him. But that meant we were just stood there, staring at each other for ages instead, his mouth curling into a small smile as he looked at me.

‘Hello, Dean.’

He’s playing dirty, somehow. It’s like he can see the thoughts in my head, and he’s encouraging them, trying to get me going just from a look. I need to do something, to get out of here, or at least away from Sam. 

‘Wanna go out?’ I blurted. Sam’s tapping stopped for a moment, and then sped up, like he suddenly had a thousand things he had to tell Rebecca. Cas looked over when I did, at my brother, and I was glad of the break from his intensity, because it was making me feel like I couldn’t talk. Without Cas to distract me, I managed to blurt out at my brother, ‘Sam, you’d better not be gossiping with her.’

Sam smirked as he shook his head, and I knew he was lying. Cas stroked his hand down my arm, until he wound our fingers together. It feels familiar, and welcome, like Cas was always meant to hold my hand. He distracted me from Sam well enough.

‘I’d love to go somewhere, Dean. Where were you thinking?’

I was thinking my bed, but that’s not fair on Cas. He wanted the whole dating experience. I’m just going to have to hold back.

‘I don’t know, maybe the pictures or something? See what movies they’re showing?’

He looked back at me blankly, and somehow even that was a turn on.

‘Think of it as a human experience, Cas.’ I tried to keep it light, no hints that I want to throw him on my bed and screw him senseless.

‘Yeah, that’s not the only human experience my brother wants to give you,’ Sam sniggered from his computer. I pulled Cas out to the garage with me before I could do something I might regret. Like hit my brother. Cas came along willingly, keeping pace with me, and not looking at all surprised when I pushed him up against the Impala and pressed myself against him. I have no self-control. He looked back at me seriously, and slid his arms around my waist.

‘If you don’t want to go, that’s fine Dean,’ he spoke quietly, in case Sam was listening, I guess.

‘I want to go,’ I insisted. And made myself back off, coughing to clear my throat again. ‘Get in.’ I walked around to the driver’s door, and climbed in, hoping I didn’t look like a total asshole. There was something about his body, pressed against mine … and that dream appeared in my mind again, hot and vivid and not helpful when the guy is right next to me in our car, which suddenly feels way too cramped, like he’s taking up extra space somehow. I guess normally, he is the size of the Chrysler building, apparently. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to get a hold of myself. I opened my eyes again and focused on driving out of the garage, onto the road and into town, instead of the angel beside me.

He was quiet throughout the drive, and even when I parked up he didn’t say much, and that made it easier to go without groping the guy. I have to at least give him the date before I get what I want, right? But I still tried not to touch him as we walked into the movie theatre, because the second I do is the second I’ll wanna find a dark corner with him. He’s standing pretty close as it is, while I look up on the board and try and pick a movie. I stole a quick glance at him, and he was staring up as well, like he knew what any of those movies were about. He noticed me looking at him and turned to face me, frowning a little before his expression relaxed into the old, dopey smile.

‘So, what happens?’ Cas asked, and God, if my chest didn’t feel tight about that. His innocence and lack of awareness does something to me. I’m so putting on some moves when we go sit down. ‘You know, I have some movies at home.’

‘We’re here now. What about Gut Slasher Five? It’s a sequel, so it’s going to be extra tacky.’

And it being a gore movie means Cas won’t want to watch much. Which is a great in for making out. When I looked at Cas, his expression told me he didn’t have a clue what I meant, or anything about the options. I’m glad about that, because there’s a Disney film out that I think he’d totally dig if he knew anything about it. One of those Princess ones. He’d be insufferable.

I dragged him over to the ticket office, and paid for both of us, getting seats as far back as I can. And then I dragged him to the concessions stand.

‘You wanna share a popcorn?’

‘I don’t eat, Dean.’

Well, I’ve been counting on him to eat my dick, so that’s going to change.

‘Fine,’ I shrugged, and bought one anyway, just so I had something to do with my hands, until he was curled up in my lap hating the action on screen anyway. We walked into the theatre, and I found our seats near some frat boys. They looked at us like they wanted to give us crap, but when they saw Cas’ expression, they turned to the front and watched the trailers instead as we took our seats. We’d better not get any shit if we do start making out.

The movie started pretty quickly, with some really bad acting. Like, worse than Sam and me when we ended up in that weird alternate reality, thanks to Balthazar. I slid my arm across Cas’ shoulders, and stopped concentrating on the movie. That image is really strong in my head again. Maybe I should’ve taken him up on his offer, and we could’ve watched whatever musical he would’ve picked out while he blew me?

He was somehow managing to concentrate of the movie, sitting forward and reacting to everything, and all I could do was watch him. Who knew an angel would love gratuitous violence? But not making out in the darkened theatre is getting to me. I really, really need him right now. Like, unstoppable urge to just bone him right here in front of a hundred locals. I leaned closer as some screaming girl got cut in half.

‘When we get home, I’m going to give it to you so bad.’ I murmured. He barely looked around.

‘Please say you’re not talking about killing me.’

‘Of course not, Cas. I’m horny.’

I saw him smile in the glow of the screen.

‘So you picked this film just to engage in amorous activity?’

‘Duh, Cas.’

He turned his head slightly, still smiling.

‘It won’t be long. Enjoy the film.’

And then he got engrossed again, and I went back to staring at him, fighting the urge to just fuck him. This movie is going to be too damn long. The only other acknowledgement he gave me the entire movie, until the credits rolled was when he took my hand, squeezing it every now and again.

As soon as the first name came up on the otherwise blank screen, I was out of there, pulling him along with me, ignoring the frat boys. I marched him outside, and pressed him up against the brick wall, my body flush against his.

‘You’re driving me crazy,’ I whispered to him, and kissed him hard. He laughed into my mouth, kissing me back, and I felt his hands curl around my neck as he pressed closer. It wasn’t enough. I definitely needed to get him back to the bunker and naked, as soon as possible. I let go of him and stood back, breathing heavily.

‘Let’s go home.’

He didn’t argue, and I guess he knew what I was implying. I practically ran back to the car, and dived into the driver’s seat, starting it up as he climbed in too. I know I sped home, and parked really badly in the garage. And then we were out of the car, and I was all over him, kissing at his neck, his nose, his chin, anywhere I could reach. This has been a whole day of just wanting him, and it’s something I’m not used to, but something I don’t want to stop. He started trying to talk throughout the assault, fighting to be heard through my onslaught.

’I bought some stuff for us,’ Cas whispered, nuzzling his head close to mine. I have no idea what he meant, and it was far more important that I got inside his pants at that point in time. He forced me away, using a strength that could only come with his grace since he’s so wiry, and he looked at me seriously. ‘I’ll be a moment, Dean. Meet me in your room?’

His voice had gone husky, and it went straight to my dick. But he didn’t even wait to see what effect he had on me, he disappeared instead. Dammit, when did he become such a tease? I hurried to my room, only stopping by Sam’s door, where he’s still on his laptop, talking to Rebecca, and swigging from a bottle of beer.

‘Hey Sam,’ I greeted him. He looked up.

‘How was the movie?’

‘Good. Hey, um, don’t come in my room tonight, for anything.’

He raised his eyebrows, but didn’t say anything, and I moved my ass into my room, where Cas was already cross-legged on the bed, a couple of brown bags beside him, his trench coat and suit jacket off and his sleeves rolled up. He smiled at me when I walked in the room, and I kicked the door shut quickly before I dived at him on the bed. He laughed, letting me kiss all over his face before he pushed at my chest, making me look at him.

‘Can I show you what I got us?’ He’s doing that sexy voice again.

‘Can’t it wait? I’ve got needs, Cas.’

‘Please, Dean, it’ll just take a minute. You won’t regret it.’

‘My dick says otherwise.’

He grinned, and pushed me up until I was sitting facing him, giving me one small kiss before putting a hand in one of the bags.

‘I hope you don’t mind, but I went to Amsterdam earlier,’ he grinned when he saw me react. Amsterdam? What the hell has he been up to? ‘And I know it’s early in our relationship, but when I told the assistant about us she had a lot of recommendations for things we’d need. And I know you like sex, so I thought you’d be okay with her suggestions. I mean, we don’t have to use anything, but I thought maybe … I don’t know.’

He thought maybe what? He’s not going to let me in on what he was thinking, because he’s bringing the first thing out of the bag. I don’t even know what it was, it was like a mess of leather and studs, which he began trying to separate out, concentrating on avoiding damage. It looks like the stuff people use when they’re into kinky stuff. Like some kind of outfit-that’s-not-an-outfit. Does he want me to wear it? And what the hell else does he have in his bags? I stuck my hand in the other bag, and found my fingers sinking through a ton of condoms. At least he’s prepared. I dug out the first thing I could find that wasn’t a Trojan, and pulled it from the bag. Cas watched me.

‘I don’t know what that is, but it makes a strange noise and made my fingers tingle when I pressed this button,’ he leaned over and clicked it on, and the damn thing started vibrating violently in my hand.

‘Cas? Is this a cock ring?’ my voice sounded choked. He shrugged.

‘I don’t know, what do you do with a cock ring?’

Oh, geez. So he thought to go to Amsterdam which is notorious for its sexual liberation, and he thought to ask for some stuff to get us going, but didn’t ask what it was or how to use it? That is so Cas.

‘I’ll show you later, I guess.’ I clicked it off and put it aside as he pulled out a little perspex box that I have no idea how to use, and a whip. A freaking whip. One that ends in about a thousand little shoots. ‘Cas?’

‘She said it was a cat of nine tails, but there seems to be far more than nine. And they’re not tails, much less from cats.’

‘You want to whip me?’

I’m not sure how I feel about this. It feels like an echo from Hell. He noticed my tone, and put it back in the bag.

‘No Dean, I don’t want to punish you.’

‘Then why buy S-and-M stuff?’

Cas frowned, and looked back in the bag, at the whip.

‘Is that what I did? The assistant didn’t really say anything like that.’ Its quiet between us for a moment, and I started running my hand through the sea of condoms in my bag, just for something to do.

‘What exactly did you say to each other?’

‘I told her you were experienced and I was not, and that our relationship was new. And she asked a few questions I didn’t understand. Something about top and bottom, and switching?’

He looks really worried, like he’d done something wrong.

‘We’ll work it out as we go, Cas. Did you get anything else?’ I shifted around on the bed, so I could lean against him, practically in his lap. He wound an arm around me, and I felt him kiss me just above my ear, and then he reached back into his bag, and pulled out a dildo. An actual freaking dildo.

‘I don’t know why she wanted us to have a rubber penis, when we both have a real one, but apparently it’s worthwhile to have.’ He told me as I held out my hand, and he dropped it in to my waiting palm. It was cool to touch, and slightly greasy, like it had been sold coated in lube. He was burying back into his bags again, and I started trying to put it in his mouth, just to see what he would do. He swatted me away, still going through the bag, and I decided it was my mission to see Cas with this dildo in his mouth, as echoes of my dream started up again. I shifted my legs as a shot of desire surged through my body, at the idea of Cas’s mouth wrapped around it. He opened his mouth to complain and I got it in, twisting slightly in his lap to push it in and pull it out slowly. And the fucker slapped a pair of handcuffs covered in pink sparkly fluff on me, moving quicker than I could have anticipated and pinning my now-cuffed hands above my head with one hand. And then he slowly pulled the dildo out of his mouth, his eyes locked on mine, and he smirked before putting it into my mouth.

‘Do you really want to power play with an angel?’ He growled at me. Fuck, he really is into the kinky stuff, isn’t he? I mean, he must know I can hold my own against angel kind, he’s seen me in action. This is totally an alpha male play. And I can’t even answer him back because there’s a damn dildo in my mouth and I can’t pull it out because he has my hands on lock down. I tried to wriggled the damn thing out with my tongue and my teeth, and then he pushed it straight back in, before slowly drawing it back out again. And then I know what he wants to do with it. I guess at least he’s found a use for the damn thing, making me simulate my dream onto it while he watches. Can he read my mind or something? He knocked everything else off the bed before laying on me, his leg rubbing against my actual dick, and he slowly pulled it in and out of my mouth. And I had no choice but to go with it.

Actually, it was kinda hot. I got into it, every suck and lick and kiss like an echo of my dream, except I’m staring into Cas’ eyes and he’s staring back at me like somehow this is happening to him. I lost control, writhing on the bed, trying to free my hands so I could grab at him, wanting some kind of friction to soothe my growing erection. God, this has been on my mind all day, screwing Cas. And now it’s here and the bastard’s taking his time and I’m going to lose my head if he does this all night.

‘Cas,’ I tried to say around the rubber. ‘Cas-‘

‘Shhhhh!’ He murmured, and kissed my neck, ignoring me as I tried to grind against his leg. Doesn’t he get it? I want to be in him right now. I’ve waited all damn day, I took him on his date, am I not going to get anything here? He shifted his position, pinning my arms back with his knees, his junk pressing against my chin as he left the dildo alone, halfway down my throat, and he pulled his tie off, looking back at me like he wanted to fuck me just as much. ‘How much do you trust me, Dean?’

I didn’t try to answer. He’d know from looking in my eyes. He smiled, and brought the tie up to my eyes, tying it around the back of my head, and I couldn’t see shit, could just feel him pressing his balls against my throat, securing my hands above my head somehow. And then he snapped his fingers, and I felt cooler, like my clothes had suddenly disappeared. I could feel his warm skin pressing against mine, the hairs on his legs tickling my arms, the fuzz of his pubes scratching against my skin, and I knew he’d zapped our clothes away. What the hell is he planning? And I thought Cas was innocent, when did he get so domineering? Not that I’m complaining, because this is damn hot. I just wish he’d speed it up, I’m going to blow before anything good happens at this rate. I wanna tell him about the image that’s been in my head since I woke up, but he hasn’t taken the dildo out of my mouth. He’s not going to either, I realised, all he did was pull it back slightly, still in my mouth but no longer down my throat, and then he started kissing down my body, sucking on my neck so long I know it’s going to leave a mark. And I could feel him licking along my tattoo, following the pattern with his tongue, dragging his mouth down until he hit my nipple, which he started lapping at and sucking on as he scratched down my sides, digging his nails in. Fuck. I could feel myself bucking like crazy, trying to connect with him, trying to get some damn relief, I could hear myself making wild noises around the dildo. But every time I moved, I pulled on my arms, and my wrists were starting to hurt. Could he tell? We need to slow down, we need a safe word, and I need to fuck his brains out.

He paused for a moment, and then I felt gentle kisses down my stomach, could feel him going from one of my abs to another, back and forth, down my body. And then he was licking down my happy trail, and finally, finally he was on me, the way I’d been wanting. And then I realised it wasn’t going to be how I wanted, because he blindfolded me. I couldn’t see anything he’s doing. I was counting on seeing him down on me, part of the thrill was seeing his reaction to this. I don’t get why he blindfolded me, unless he thinks it’ll improve the experience? After all, I have no idea what he’s planning.

Like, I had no warning when he put a cool gel all over my dick, or that he was going to start massaging my balls as he licked along the veins. I’m not going to hold it together much longer. I could hear myself breathing around the dildo, moaning and making these weird sounds, like I was trying not to cry, but I swear that was only because what he was doing with my junk felt so damn good. And he kept making noises himself, the same noises I make with good pie. Or any kind of pie.

Was that gel stuff lube? Did he have that in one of his bags? I wanna play with that too. He took his time on me, nibbling the side of my dick so lightly that instead of freaking out about his teeth there, I felt myself spasm involuntarily. And then he finally put his mouth around me, sucking gently, working with the way my body moved, like he just knew what to expect from me. I can’t believe he’s never done this kind of thing before, the guy’s a pro.

He backed off before I got totally lost in his mouth on my dick and his hands on my balls, and scooted back up my body, finally taking the dildo out of my mouth, and kissing me, his tongue licking along the roof of my mouth, and the taste was strange. Like cherries and salt. It hit me that the lube was flavoured, and mixed in with pre-cum. That kinky fucker.

‘Dean?’ he whispered as he pulled out of the kiss, not letting me get a word in edgeways. ‘Is this okay so far?’

‘Yeah,’ My voice hitched where I was so worked up. I need some release already. ‘Yeah Cas. I trust you, right?’

‘Right. So, um, so can I try something else?’

‘What else? Tell me.’

He didn’t answer immediately, and I realised he was feeling coy about this. What does he want that he’s so afraid to ask for when he’s already bound and gagged me, blindfolded me, and sucked my cock?

‘I can’t say it.’ Cas’s voice is barely there.

‘If you can’t say it, you can’t have it.’ I decided.

‘Really?’

‘Really. Spit it out Cas, I’m about to blow.’

‘Well, I think they call it anal sex.’

He wants an in on my ass?

‘Go for it.’ My voice sounded strained, and I knew I was close, whether he goes for it or not. Just the thought of it, of Cas being in complete control of me like it, is drawing me right to the edge. But he surprised me, and nearly had me blow all over him, when he put more lube on my dick and stroked it around gently. I was hyper aware of every touch, and I forced myself to hold it in, as much as I could. I don’t know what I was waiting for, exactly. Maybe Cas’ permission? I mean, that seemed to make sense for the situation we were in. I had to concentrate so hard, especially when he started to straddle me, lowering himself slowly onto me, gasping and yelping as he went.

‘Cas? Are you okay?’ I managed to ask through gritted teeth. He hasn’t started this properly at all. I can feel him, squeezing against me, resisting it slightly, even as he held me in place, trying to get a good angle.

‘Yes, Dean. I used the plug before the oral sex.’

He sucks at sex talk, but it still turned me on way too much. I’m not going to last long with him. He finally slid down me, groaning as he did, and I lost it, just on that sound, of the feel of him snug around my dick. We barely even started. He stopped moving, and I knew he could feel the change as I released into his ass. There was a really awkward moment, where nothing happened, and I couldn’t look at him to know if he was upset, or surprised, or if this is what he thought sex was.

‘Sorry, Cas,’ I gasped out, and felt him pull up, off of me. I felt the bed shift as he crawled along, not touching me, and then he pulled his tie away from my eyes.

‘Was that meant to happen?’ He checked.

‘No. I’m sorry, Cas, I’ve been good to go all day, I just couldn’t fight it any more. It’ll be better next time, okay? I promise.’

Cas nodded, and ran a hand through my hair, his expression tender.

‘I still enjoyed it.’

‘Me too.’

He smiled.

‘Even this?’ He touched the handcuffs. ‘Even though I was in charge?’

‘Yeah. It drove me crazy not knowing what you were going to do, but it was kind of exciting, too.’

‘I liked trying to figure out what you would enjoy.’ He seemed shy suddenly, like when he was asking to ride my dick.

‘I was trying to figure out how you knew all that stuff.’

He kissed me gently, reaching up and doing something to free my hands. As soon as they were released, I wrapped them around him, pulling him closer, hoping that maybe we could work me up to be ready to go again. He stopped kissing me before we really got anywhere, looking into my eyes again.

‘I didn’t know exactly what I was doing, Dean. I’ve never done this with anyone else before.’

‘I haven’t done this with a guy before.’ I lied. I kind of have, back when I had to do anything to feed Sammy. But not the way Cas and I did, not because I respected them, or wanted them around. So it was only a little lie.

‘Well, I’m glad I could be your first for that.’ Cas grinned, and I was completely gone. ‘Why me? Why when you’ve always been promiscuous with women?’

I tried to ignore that last comment, knowing he didn’t mean it as a dig.

‘I don’t know, Cas. Because I’d do anything for you?’

‘I’d do anything for you too, Dean.’

I squeezed him tighter.

‘You wanna do the bondage thing again?’

He nodded.

‘If that’s okay with you?’

I nodded, but didn’t elaborate. I didn’t think I needed to. He didn’t act like I did. Instead, he curled up onto my chest.

‘Dean?’

‘Mmm?’

‘I feel complete in a very strange way, being like this with you.’

I didn’t know how to answer that, but he continued chattering, and I fell asleep to the sound of his voice. The last words I remembered hearing left me drifting off with a big grin on my face.

‘I mean, I never noticed anything missing, exactly, and then we bonded and I felt this ache all the time, and now I know I was just waiting to connect like this with you. It’s like we’re soulmates, although I don’t have a soul, obviously. Could a soul and a grace be separated, somehow? I think ours were …’

He is too freaking cute.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter gave me a lot of headaches, so a big thank you to GrammarDemon and Cliophilyra for helping me through the block/editing out my repetitive nature! The companion chapter in Fifty First Dates will be up in a couple of days, you'll get to see Cas shopping in Amsterdam. Love that scene ;) Thanks for reading!
> 
> Also, bonus points if you can see the hidden character :D


	10. Chapter 10

I woke up aching. My arms especially hurt, like I’d been straining them. But everywhere had a weird ache, like my neck and my chest and even my junk. I stumbled out of bed, and threw on some underpants in case I ran into Sam, then headed for the bathroom.

I was covered in bruises, all over my chest and stomach. And maybe my neck, but they look like hickeys. What the hell? I tried to think what the hell could have done it, but I couldn’t come up with anything. What’s the last thing I remember?

Not the bunker. Maybe some motel? Talking with Cas once Sam had gone to bed. The memory’s hazy. We must’ve been on a case. Cas must’ve been keeping me company while Sam was being boring. Did I get attacked by something?

Someone banged on the bathroom door, and I opened it up to find Sam, fully dressed and staring at my bare, bruised chest.

‘Dean?’

‘I don’t know what happened.’ I confessed. Sam snorted.

‘Cas is that good in bed?’ He smirked, and I narrowed my eyes at him.

‘Yeah, funny Sam.’

‘Come on, Dean, I don’t know why you keep playing coy. You told me last night I wasn’t to disturb you and Cas at all. And I didn’t, but dude, you two are _loud_. I could hear you from my room.’

I just stared at him. Cas and me were loud doing what, exactly?

‘Well, anyway, I think I finally found something. A case. Rebecca told me about it. I figured we could go check it out, and then maybe I could meet her. She doesn’t live that far away-‘

‘Who’s Rebecca?’ I interrupted him. He rolled his eyes.

‘Great, you still can’t remember anything. We need to talk to Cas about this, you must be forgetting stuff with him too.’

I would have argued with him for being such a douchebag, but he had a point. I was struggling to remember anything much. It felt like I was pushing against a fog that wouldn’t shift. And I sure as fuck don’t remember anything about what Cas and I were talking about in that motel room. I remember laughing, that’s all.

‘Fine, call him, but let me put some pants on, first.’

‘I think he’ll like you just fine like that,’ Sam snorted, before pulling himself together. ‘Cas, wherever you are, can you come to our bunker, please? For Dean.’  
We both looked around, and I tried to ignore the implication that Sam was putting out there about Cas and me. Cas didn’t show. Of course he didn’t, Sam was the one praying. I’m the one with the “profound bond”.

‘Cas? We need you.’

I didn’t think I’d have to say anything else, but he still didn’t show.

‘Guess he’s busy. Look, we’ll get ready, we’ll go check out the demonic activity that Rebecca’s found, and we’ll try him again, okay? He won’t stay away from you, Dean.’  
I didn’t argue back with the guy, or chew him out for trying to take charge. Something felt off, and at least Sam was giving me something normal, right? I went back to my room to throw some clothes on and pack for a few days away while Sam did the same. I grabbed my bag, and started piling it with a few shirts, a couple of underpants, and checked my monkey suit was all set in case we needed to Fed up. And then I saw something under my pillow, and I left the packing to check on it. It was pink, and spangled, but I wasn’t expecting to pull out a pair of handcuffs covered in pink fuzz. A few condoms were there with them. Just what in the hell?

Sam came in as I looked at the damn things in horror, and I avoided his eye contact. I knew he’d be smirking, and I didn’t want to hear it. Just what in the fuck did I do that I now can’t remember?

‘What are you and Cas into?’ I could hear the laugh in his voice. He thinks I used these with Cas?

’Shut up, Sammy. You ready?’

‘Yep. Let’s go.’

I picked up my bag and tossed the handcuffs onto the bed, following Sam out of the room, grabbing my car keys before he could get his hands on them.

‘Do you remember how to drive, Dean?’

‘Eat me.’

‘I’m not Cas.’

God, Sam’s on annoying mode today. I threw my bag in the backseat, and looked at the bad parking job, and the tyre tracks all over the garage floor.

‘Dude, did you take Baby out last night?’

‘No, that was you. I guess you got too impatient for Cas’ ass.’

‘Can you shut up on that now?’

‘Dean, I told you already, you and Cas weren’t quiet last night. I had my music on loud through my headphones, trying to drown you out. And if it’s not you after Cas’ ass, its-‘

‘Shut up.’ Oh God, could I have taken it from Cas? But my ass didn’t hurt. It’s like, the one place that wasn’t aching. Wait, what was I even thinking? Of course Cas didn’t take a trip up the back passage. He’s a freaking angel, and he’s my friend, and Sam’s just being a bitch. I needed to change the subject. Fast.

‘So, tell me about Rebecca.’

I pulled out of the garage, and onto the road, and Sam launched into Rebecca 101.

‘We’ve only been talking for a few days, since that bad date I had with Camille.’

Who the fuck is Camille? Sam saw my expression, and sighed.

‘Don’t worry about Camille. That whole story … anyway, so I went on a dating site, because actually, you and Cas make me really want someone, and I started talking to Rebecca. And she’s cool, Dean. She hasn’t hunted herself, but she’s known hunters. She was even married to one for a hot minute. She said it didn’t work out, they wanted different things.’

‘She was married to a hunter?’ I laughed.

‘Yeah, she helped her husband with a case. Just one. I think something happened and he freaked out, got worried for her safety. I mean, she didn’t say that, but it makes sense.’

‘Which hunter?’

‘She didn’t say. I can’t think of any hunter who’s been married for five minutes. You either settle down or stay single, right?’

I didn’t answer. Is he … is he stupid? Like, I know I’m the one struggling to remember anything recently, but I definitely remember Sam being married before, a stupid Vegas wedding. He got it annulled, obviously. So how comes it’s okay for him and not for anyone else? And anyway, if someone’s tried to keep her out of this life, why would he want to drag her back in? It all sounded off to me.

‘Sam, you’re not meeting her.’

‘What?’ he laughed. ‘Of course I am, Dean. She’s … she’s something else. She’s smart, she worked out about the demons we’re hunting, and she sent me the news articles, and she’s spot on. And she knows about so many other things, she’s … she’s amazing.’

‘Have you actually talked to her?’ I asked him, which was the better question than what the fuck is wrong with you? Like I wanted to scream out.

‘Yes, Dean, we spent all of yesterday talking.’

‘Face-to-face, or on the phone, or video talk. Anything?’

‘No, because she’s nervous doing it. Especially knowing I’m a hunter, I think the life scares her, but we’ve got great chemistry, it’s hard to keep away.’

He’s got it bad, really quickly. This can only end as badly as all his other relationships.

*

Sam talked about _Rebecca_ for the entire ten hour drive. I had to bite my tongue the whole time, and I found myself really missing Cas, beyond Sam’s obnoxious digs. Cas normally saves me from conversations like this. Maybe I should pray to the guy, see if he’d come hang out?

I was pissed off when we got to the area Sam said we needed to investigate. I couldn’t take any more Rebecca talk. I climbed out of the car in silence and looked around, sniffing the air, scuffing my toes in the dirt, moving slowly across the field we were in as I did. I got halfway there, and turned to Sam, who wasn’t that far away.

‘No signs man, what the hell?’

‘I don’t know. I saw the articles, everything pointed to it being demons.’

‘You ever think this is some half-baked plan to get us here? Huh? This could be a God damn trap! What if Rebecca’s possessed? You know better than this, Sam!’ I couldn’t help it, I had to blame him for this. It was a long, ten-hour drive, and there was nothing to show for it.

‘Maybe-‘ Sam stopped talking, staring over my shoulder. If there’s a fucking demon behind me … I turned, and found Cas, standing close by, squinting up at me.

‘Hey, you okay Cas?’ I snapped. I didn’t mean to, but I was so pissed off with how this day was turning out. Cas just stared at me, then ran a finger down my arm, and I jumped backwards, freaked out. What the hell? ‘Dude!’

Cas blinked at me a couple of times, like he couldn’t make something make sense. I was really aware of Sam coming closer.

‘Dean? Is everything okay?’

He’s the one making a move on me, and I’m the one who needs checking on? But then Sam came over, and opened his big mouth.

‘Dean’s memory is messed up, Cas. Worse than before-‘

‘I’m right here, Sam!’ I reminded him. Sam just looked at Cas like I wasn’t even there.

‘I don’t think he remembers stuff for a couple of weeks. He thinks I’m joking about the two of you.’

Oh for God’s … is he still on that? Cas is going to tell him where to shove it, right after I do.

‘That’s not funny, Sam. It stopped being funny about five seconds after you started it.’

I might as well not be here.

‘At first, I thought you’d fallen out, and then he kept reacting like this. But his memory lately has been bad, and I figured maybe it was just getting worse. I just wish I knew what was causing it.’

I looked at Cas, who was staring off into the distance, like he was paying attention to what Sam was saying, taking it seriously. That’s not funny, at all.

‘I don’t know what’s causing it, Sam, but maybe I could get something back.’

Sam looked happy about that, but I was pissed. Okay, so Sam and me, we accepted that my memory was going nuts and that fog hasn’t lifted, but me and Cas? Why are they both acting like that’s a thing?

‘I don’t need help! I’m _fine_ , Cas!’ I spat out. He finally turned to look at me, but I couldn’t read his eyes the way I normally do.

‘What’s the last thing you remember?’

I strained, but all I could see was that moment with Cas.

‘I don’t know, we were laughing about something in a motel room. Sam was asleep already.’

I thought Cas would smile at that, tell me about the thing, just be my friend. But no, he’s still playing along with Sam. We have an unspoken agreement that he picks me over my brother. I’m pissed. He just stood there, chewing on his lip, staring at Sam’s feet like they would have some answers.

‘Were we talking about salad?’ Cas asked eventually.

‘Why would we talk about salad? Except-‘ That does ring a bell. We were laughing because of the way Cas had described salad. I think he was only laughing because I was laughing, but whatever. It was a good conversation. And I definitely can’t remember anything else past that. I looked at Sam a second, in case he thought we were bitching about him - which okay, we kind of were - and after seeing his bitchface move in, I looked back at Cas. Safe ground. ‘Yeah, that makes sense.’

Cas came closer. He’s not going to feel me up again, is he? He got right up in my face, squinting up at me, his eyes flickering back and forth between mine like he was trying to read something there. I really wish he’d back off and give me my personal space.

‘Dean, you’ve lost weeks. I’m going to try to get them back, okay?’

And then he reached two fingers up and pressed them to my forehead, even as I opened my mouth to ask him to back off, just a little.

*

_Everything’s hazy, like I’m scanning through pictures and videos as I look through mesh drapes. The images flicker quickly past my eyes, but there’s some things that stand out. Falling onto a bed, holding someone with their legs around my waist. A flower in a vase. Sitting in a bar for douchebags. And then they stop flickering, and land on an awkward conversation between Cas and me. Talking about dating. Talking about us dating. And I agreed, even though I wasn’t sure. It’s Cas, one of the most important people in my life. But even though I’m not sure, I go with it._

_More memories come, and linger. All of them similar, a slew of motel rooms, with Sam asleep and snoring in the bed, and Cas and me sitting opposite each other at the table in the room, leaning close, talking about dating some more. Like, my entire history, things we could do, what we would do if there were no limitations on things like money. Him staring at my mouth, me watching his expression, feeling the first hints of anticipation._

_And then there was more flickering, which was disorienting. More glimpses, which I didn’t catch properly. Something in a hut in the woods? A hunt maybe? A cafe and pancakes. Looking up from the front seat in the Impala, seeing my shirt on the steering wheel. A carnival? And then Cas, standing near me, looking at me apprehensively while my mind was stuck on ‘suck my dick’. I didn’t mean it as an insult either, the desperate need to be physical with him was overwhelming. I dragged him out to the movies to try to get my mind off it, but that didn’t work, so I dragged him back home, intent on fucking him senseless. And then he brought out the sex toys._

_I lingered on those memories. Of Cas, so unsure but still so in command, the way he worked my body, the way he was confident and shy, all at once. The way I couldn’t hold back, as hard as I tried, because I wanted him so much._

_I want Cas. Just as much as he wants me. Was he going to hold it against me, that I’ve resisted him today? Where’s he been? I fell asleep to him being dorkily romantic, and he only showed up after the world’s longest drive. I don’t know whether to slap him or shove my tongue down his throat. I’ll probably do both._

*

The first thing I was aware of was the feel of Castiel’s fingers pressing against my forehead. I blinked my eyes open, and searched for his face. He smiled weakly at me, like he wasn’t sure what was going to happen. So he must know on some level that I want to hit him for ditching me this morning.

‘Where’d you go?’ I asked him quietly. He frowned, tilting his head in that way he does when he doesn’t understand something.

‘I’ve been right here, Dean.’

‘This morning. I woke up without you.’ I thought for a second. ‘Where’d you stash everything?’

Cas gave me a really small smile, and Sam completely cut into the conversation. I forgot he was there. That could have been embarrassing, I don’t want to talk about cock rings and fetish gear in front of Sam. It’s bad enough he found the handcuffs.

‘So? Do you remember everything now?’

‘Everything important,’ I winked up at Cas, expecting him to smile back, like it was our little secret, but he looked away instead. What’s the problem?

‘Good. I vote we go talk to Rebecca, find out what’s going on. Her articles were solid, I don’t understand …’

‘Yeah, fine, we’ll do that. Can I just have a minute with Cas?’

Sam sighed, and stomped over to the car. I tried to sit up, but Cas put a hand out, pushing me back gently.

‘Don’t rush it. How are you feeling?’

‘Fine, Cas. Hey, what’s up? Are you pissed I forgot about us?’

‘No, Dean. You couldn’t help that. I just wanted to help.’

‘I know. So why do you look like I killed your puppy?’

He looked confused.

‘I don’t have a puppy.’

‘Cas-‘

‘It’s nothing, Dean. I’m just worn out from trying to look through your mind. I was trying to avoid invading your privacy.’

‘Did you see what I saw?’

He nodded.

‘But not your thoughts, nor your emotions. Just the images. Which was difficult when you were blindfolded.’

He finally smiled, and I sat up to press our mouths together. He let me sit up this time, sliding his fingers around my neck and clinging on, and I found myself leaning against the ground, one hand resting on his hip, my finger slipping into the belt loop on his slacks.

It was nice, just sitting there, kissing him, knowing it wasn’t going to lead anywhere. Not this time. Instead it was just us, enjoying our time together. At least, until I got him alone that night. We don’t have any of his stuff, but I’m sure we can improvise.

‘Dean, Sam’s watching us,’ Cas murmured against my lips.

‘Pervert.’

‘I think he wants us to go. Who is this Rebecca?’

‘His girlfriend. He met her online. He got this case from her. I think she’s possessed. Or worse.’

Cas sighed, and gave me one last kiss.

‘We should go. He looks upset.’ He rested his forehead against mine.

‘Stop checking out my brother.’ I teased him.

‘I would never. We should take him to Rebecca. We’re more likely to get time to ourselves that way.’

I can’t argue with him. I went to stand up, and saw his coat in a pile on the floor.

‘Hey, your jacket. Why’s it there?’

‘I was protecting your head from the ground.’

He snatched it up and stood, helping me up afterwards. I kept hold of his hand, falling into step with him as we got to the car, which Sam was leaning against, his eyebrow cocked as he watched us approach. I spoke up before he could be a dick about it.

‘Cas has shot gun.’

‘Oh, come on, Dean!’

I shrugged, and squeezed Cas’ fingers before climbing into the car. I heard him start to talk to Sam, telling him that he could ride up front with me instead. Why does he have to be so damn noble? But Sam backed off before I could chew them out.

‘It’s fine, Cas. He’s probably shaken about the whole memory thing. And I could do with some shut-eye before we get to Rebecca’s place. It’s about an hour away.’  
They climbed in, Sam lying across the backseat, and Cas sitting in Sam’s ass groove. He’s too far away. He clicked on the radio as I put the car in gear and moved out of the field, aiming for the address Sam had taped to the steering wheel before we started the journey.

It was a quiet drive, at first, apart from the music. Sam was trying to sleep, and Cas was in his own world, and I felt strangely lonely. Would it be weird to just ask Cas to come closer? I can drive okay with one arm around him.

‘Is Sam asleep?’ I muttered. He looked around at the backseat.

‘It appears so.’

‘Come here,’ I held my arm out, and he cuddled close, dropping a hand on my thigh. It felt weird, but natural to be so couple-y with him when we’d only been together a couple of days. Or do I count it from the moment I agreed to date him? I don’t know, but it feels right to be like this with him. Does he ever sit there wondering which one of the relationship models we would fit into, the ones that he came up with? Or is he just accepting that we’re writing our own rules for this?

He kissed the underside of my chin, which made me smile, and then he tried to kiss my mouth. And God, I wanted make out with him, but that’s so dangerous. I moved my head and tried to focus on the road.

‘Come on, Cas. I need to be able to see the road.’

‘Your mouth is so kissable.’

‘So’s yours, but come on, you were the one who said to get to Rebecca’s place, and then we’d have us-time quicker.’

‘So no kissing?’

‘No kissing, not while I’m driving.’

‘But other things?’

Other things? What does he mean by other things?

‘So long as I can still drive.’

‘So this is fine?’ He squeezed my leg.

‘Mmm-hmmm.’

‘And this?’ He kissed my neck again.

‘Yeah, you can do that.’

He ran his other hand up my shirt, massaging my stomach. He didn’t even bother checking that time. I made myself focus on the road, even as his hand slid down, and started working on the button of my jeans.

‘Cas-‘

‘Shhhhh. Stay quiet.’

He pulled the zipper down, and slid his hand in, and stroked my junk through my pants. He nibbled on my jaw lightly, and I forced myself to look straight ahead.

‘We don’t want to wake up Sam, right?’ he muttered against my neck. I really want to just pull over and let him do what he’s doing, but that would wake Sam up. And there’s something hot about this, about how in control Cas is, and the fact we shouldn’t be doing this, not when I’m driving a car, not when my brother’s in the back. I nodded, swallowing around a lump in my throat, trying to keep quiet. This was another power play, and I’m happy to let him take charge. He can do whatever he wants with me.

He worked along my pants, pulling the waistband down, freeing my dick, rubbing his hand along it. I groaned involuntarily. His fingers felt so good.

’Shhhhh!’ He reminded me, kissing down my chest and along my stomach, and I tried to shift on the bench, giving him some more room, but without taking Baby off the asphalt. I knew where this was going, and I wanted it so badly. I bit my lip, trying to stay quiet as he started licking me, trying to bite down all the noises I wanted to make. Doesn’t he want to know I approve of this, that I like it? That I could spend the rest of my life with his mouth wrapped around my dick?

He put his mouth fully over me, and I jumped involuntarily, grabbing the steering wheel with both hands and pushing the car forward as my foot came down on the accelerator. I was so glad we were still in the middle of nowhere, the only car on the road.

‘Cas,’ I breathed out. He didn’t shush me, but raised a hand to shake a finger in my face. I wonder if there’s a punishment if I’m not quiet? Besides however Sam would react to waking up and finding Cas going down on me. Is it weird that I want him to punish me? This is so damn good. I groaned again, as he worked me over with his hands and his mouth, and then gritted my teeth and forced myself to concentrate when a truck appeared coming the other way. I know the driver’s going to see exactly what’s going on here, but hey, you hear about truckers doing shit like this all the time. I forced myself to look dead ahead, keep the car straight, keep my foot steady on the clutch, even as Cas upped his game, sucking hard, his fingertips rubbing the bit of skin between my balls and my ass. How does he even know this stuff?

I came, pressing my lips together, biting down hard, trying not to react, and failing anyway, but between my lips it came out like a whine. He pulled off me slowly, dragging it out, and I tried not to deflate into the seat. It took a lot of effort to concentrate on the road, but I think we both heard it when something shifted in the back. Cas quickly looked over the back of the bench, and put me away hurriedly, kissing my jaw again. I slung my arm back around him, as Sam sat up, yawning and stretching. Shit, that was close.

‘Are we nearly there?’ He asked sleepily.

‘About five minutes from the town.’

‘Okay.’ He started flicking through some papers he had in the back, and I saw Cas wipe his mouth with his finger, like something had leaked out. I risked a quick kiss in his hair, before concentrating on the road again as we got to the town, and wound our way through the suburbs. Suburbs are completely alien to me, they’re so uniform and full of fake people and fresh mown lawns. Who would live like that?

‘That’s her house,’ Sam pointed, his hand waving above Cas’ head. I pulled up, and Cas sat up, while Sam took a deep breath in the back seat.

‘You okay, man?’ I looked back. Sam ran his hands through his hair.

‘Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. You’re coming too, right? Both of you?’

I knew Cas wouldn’t be bothered either way, but I felt like I owed Sam. He didn’t know about Cas sucking my dick, but it was on my conscience.

‘Sure. Lets go.’ I climbed out of the car, and waited for both of them to come out. Then we walked up the pathway through the manicured lawn, and up the porch steps. Sam smoothed his hair again, and rang the doorbell as Cas stood close beside me, our arms barely touching each other. It took a few moments for the door to creak open, and out stepped the last person I thought I’d ever see again. I watched Sam’s face as the realisation set in, as his eyebrows went down and his mouth pulled and Bitchface set in.

‘B-Becky?’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm now on a writing hiatus due to GISHWHES, this story may not be updated for another 3 weeks minimum. Sorry!


	11. Chapter 11

Sam stood there for a few seconds, just staring at Becky, who for once, wasn’t squealing and grabbing his chest. Instead, she stayed in the doorway, looking around at all of us. I swapped a quick look with Cas, and turned away quickly. This wasn’t about us.

‘Did I do something wrong? Are you looking into those demonic signs? Because my friend was already here, looking into them.’ She took a breath. ‘Please, don’t hurt me. I went to someone else, okay?’

Sam and I, we’ve been in the business a long time. We’ve been unfortunate enough to know Becky for a long time. I could tell, and I knew he could tell, that she wasn’t faking it. She genuinely didn’t know that she’d been talking to Sam.

‘You’re Rebecca?’ he finally spluttered out. She squeaked, and half-hid behind the door.

‘Okay, so you’ve been talking to him. To Jared. But he couldn’t have known, he didn’t-‘

‘Becky,’ Sam interrupted her. ‘Can we come in?’

She didn’t answer him right away. Instead, she nodded to Cas.

‘Are you him? Are you Jared?’

Cas looked confused, as Sam pushed his way into Becky’s house.

‘We’re having this conversation inside.’

Becky looked at me like I could explain my brother, and followed him into the house. I gave them a couple of seconds, and then followed, Cas hot on my heels.

‘What did she call me?’ he whispered.

‘Jared. Jared Paradonkey. I think Sam’s been using a fake name with her. We’ll just stay quiet, okay? This is their problem, not ours.’

He grazed his fingers against mine for a second, and pressed his mouth against my ear.

‘And then we’ll find some place where you don’t have to be quiet at all.’

I shivered, and he laughed quietly when he felt it, knowing how frustrated I would be at that. I wanted to finish off what we started in the car, because one quick blow job is not enough with him, but it wasn’t a good idea to leave Sammy alone with Becky. Last time we saw her, she was drugging him to make him marry her.

We walked into the next room, where they were sitting on opposite chairs, leaving the sofa free. I pulled Cas down onto the seats with me, because the adorable doofus would never sit by himself. He’d stand awkwardly in the corner.

‘You’re Jared?’ Becky was squeaking, like Cas and me weren’t even in the room. I guessed Sam had told her the truth.

‘I was trying not to get tapped by anyone else. I wanted to tell you my real name, but it was risky. And since when do you go by Rebecca?’

‘Since I had to re-evaluate my life after I nearly made a deal with a crossroads demon.’

The silence that followed her admitting that was loaded and awkward.

‘Why’d you pick Jared Padackles anyway?’ I asked into the void. Sam bobbed his head in a tic.

‘That’s not how you said it outside.’ Cas pointed out.

‘Yeah well, it’s Polish or something. Padacockles?’

‘Padalecki,’ Sam said stiffly, apparently not appreciating the diversion. ‘I don’t know, because online dating was out of the ordinary for me, and so was that universe?’ He turned away from us, and looked back at Becky. ‘Okay, so you didn’t know it was me. But you could have let me know it was you.’

Becky just sighed, sitting on her hands.

‘I’m not the same Becky, okay Sam? What you said to me, when we were married, it got to me. Like I said, I re-evaluated my life. And besides, what difference would it make? Or do you gossip with all your hunter buddies?’

I could tell that Cas was looking at me accusingly, never having known that Sam had been married for a second. Like I was keeping some big secret from him.

‘And who is this guy, anyway?’ Becky’s arm nearly hit my face as she pointed to Cas.

‘Castiel. But can we not go off topic here?’

The room got quiet again, and I could feel the tension between Sam and Becky.

‘So … should Cas and me go and find a motel or something? You come and find us later?’

‘You can stay here. There’s nowhere to stay around here, not really. I promise, no funny business. My spare room’s upstairs, second door on the left. First one’s the bathroom. One of you can take the couch, it’s a sofa bed. And whoever’s left will have to make do with an air bed-‘

‘I don’t sleep,’ Cas interrupted her. ‘It’s fine.’

I could see a hint of curiosity on her face, of the old becky surfacing. She wants more info about Cas, she wants to ask him endless strange questions. But she swallowed it down, and nodded.

‘Well, if it’s okay, I’d appreciate you and Dean giving me and Sam a little bit of space here. If that’s okay?’ She asked the question to Sam, who just nodded. I patted Cas’ knee.

‘Come on, find the spare room with me.’ I looked at Becky. ‘No poisoning us as we sleep, or chaining us down, or being weird with my brother-‘

‘Dean.’ Sam’s tone was flat, but I got the message. He thought it was going to be okay. Becky just looked at her knees. So I dragged Cas out of the room, tugging him up the stairs with me, and looking for the room she pointed out. As soon as we were in, the door closed behind us, Cas broke.

‘Sam was _married_?’

‘It’s a long story, Cas.’

Cas still looked bewildered. I sighed, wrapping my arms around his waist, resting my forehead against his. He let me, but he didn’t hold me back.

‘It was only for a couple of weeks, and he was given some kind of love potion. Some demon was working on Becky. As soon as the stuff wore off, he got it annulled. There’s nothing to tell.’

I thought Cas would be happy, knowing the basics, but he seemed even more pissed off.

‘When did it happen?’

Oh geez, is he really getting pissed over this? I started stroking his hip, hoping he’d stop the drama.

‘When we thought the Leviathan had killed you. And when we found you, there was too much other stuff going on. Sam’s biggest fan trying to con him seemed like the least important thing to tell.’

I knew he was softening, he was pushing into my hand with his hip.

‘And anyway, they’re going to be hashing this out for a while, and in the meantime, we have a room to ourselves.’ I smiled, before going in for the kill. He kissed back, finally putting his hands on my arms, stroking up and down my biceps as I tugged him closer. He must have been missing this as much as I was. He started walking me over to the bed, as we heard footsteps on the stairs, and I jumped away from him like I’d been electrocuted. I don’t mind Sam seeing us together, but Becky’s different. I mean, she’s not acting the way I’m used to, but if she stumbled in on Cas and me, she might do that whole scream-in-our-face, jump-all-over-us bit.

She walked in, looking between us warily, holding a stack of towels.

‘If you need a shower or anything, there’s these. I asked Sam if angels showered, but he didn’t really answer, so there’s enough here for the both of you. Sam said it’s okay if you want to stay in here, he’ll take the sofa bed.’

She eyeballed Cas again, before putting the towels on the chair and turning to leave.

‘Hey, Becky?’ I called out as she got to the doorway. She turned, still looking sad. ‘You know, when you’re like this, you’re not so bad.’

She frowned, then nodded, and walked out of the door without saying a word. That’s not like Becky, at all. I turned back to Cas, but he was making his way to the bed, sitting on the edge and looking at his hands.

‘Hey, what’s up?’ I asked, going over to him, forcing my way between his legs, taking his hands and wrapping them around my ass. He let me do it, but I could tell he suddenly wasn’t into it.

‘That girl seems sad.’

‘Well, yeah, I guess.’

‘She must have really loved Sam, to try and get him to marry her.’

I have no idea what he’s hinting at. Is he trying to say we should get married? I’m going to dodge that bullet, pretend he never mentioned marriage.

‘Maybe.’ I started running my fingernails over his scalp. I love when people do that to me. ‘But right now, I want to focus on you.’

I tilted his head up, and kissed him gently, but he didn’t give me anything back.

‘Cas? I’ve been waiting all day for this.’

‘No you haven’t. You only remembered agreeing to go out with me a little over an hour ago, and we already made out and had oral sex.’

I stopped trying to kiss him.

‘Yeah, and Sam was there both times, this is our first chance to be alone. And I wanted you around before you gave me my memories back. Like on some level my body still remembered you.’

I thought he’d smile, or start kissing me back, or something, but no.

‘I think I know how Becky feels.’

What?

‘Cas, no. You have me, right? No angel mojo needed, I’m yours.’

He sighed, and finally looked up at me.

‘You’re right. Sorry.’

And this time, he reached up and kissed me, and I pressed him back onto the bed, moving my legs so I was straddling his waist, my fingers still working his scalp. His hands slid up my body, until they rested on my chest, and then he pushed me off him slightly.

‘Dean? I’m not in the mood for sex tonight.’

‘I already got that, Cas. But I need some kind of connection.’

He nodded, kissing me again, keeping his hands on my chest, like I wouldn’t respect him without that. I just wanted hold him, kiss him, reassure him that I do care, but he was resisting so much. Eventually, I crawled off of him, pulled my clothes off, and got into bed.

‘Dean?’

‘Yeah?’

‘Are you mad at me?’

‘No. Are you mad at me?’

‘Of course not.’ He zapped his clothes off, and crawled under the covers with me, but not before I got an eyeful of his black boxer-briefs. Are they the only underwear he owns? Because they look good on him. ‘I just have a lot on my mind.’

‘Yeah? Like what?’

He shook his head, and zapped the lights off. In the dark, I could still make out his silhouette, on the pillow beside mine. He was staring up at the ceiling, trying to hide the fact he was taking a huge sigh.

‘You know,’ I said casually, reaching across and rubbing a lock of his hair between my fingers. ‘When you’re in a relationship with someone, you tell them when something’s bothering you. The whole point is that you have someone you can spill your problems to. I’m meant to be on your side Cas.’

He turned his head to look at me.

‘You make it sound so easy.’

‘It’s not easy, Cas. It’s a relationship. And you wanted one.’

‘The reality is very different to my observations.’

There was an awkward pause.

‘Cas? Are you breaking up with me?’ I ended the silence eventually. I don’t want that. I’m crazy about the guy.

‘No Dean, of course not. There’s just a lot more to relationships than I first thought.’

I propped myself up on my pillow, running my hand over his chest, whether he wanted it or not.

‘It sounds like you’re regretting us.’

‘I’m not. I would never, Dean. I’m thinking of your brother.’

I sighed, and cuddled up close to him. At least he put his arms around me.

‘Sam knows what he’s doing. Are you going to stay here all night?’

‘Of course Dean. If that’s what you want.’ He kissed my forehead gently.

‘I want you, Cas.’

He cuddled closer, and I slipped my head by his neck, still running my fingers through his chest hair. He started humming, and I could feel myself drifting off, but not before I realised what song he was humming. Hey Jude, just like Mom used to. How did he even know?

*

I woke up alone in bed, Cas’ side already coolled, the covers tucked around me like a kid. When did he get up? Does he not get that asking for someone to stay the night implies they’re there in the morning? I got up, looking around the room we’d slept in. Becky hasn’t changed as much as she thinks she has, everything’s still primary colours. The room we’re in is sky blue, and reminds me unhelpfully of Cas’ eyes. I should have woken up to them.

I got up, pulling on my jeans, and headed downstairs where I could smell coffee brewing, not worrying what would happen if I walked in the room with no shirt on. Becky’s never been into me.

There was only Cas in the kitchen when I walked in, wearing one of my shirts and those pants he had on in bed. He was busy by the counter, doing something I couldn’t see. I sneaked up behind him, slipping my arms around his waist and nuzzling my head by his.

‘And why did I wake up without you this morning?’ I asked, before I noticed what he was doing. Putting a percolator down, picking up a mug full of black liquid. He turned his head and kissed my cheek, before passing me the mug.

‘Because I thought you’d sleep in a little longer. I was going to bring the coffee up.’

‘You made me coffee?’ I sounded surprised, but I wasn’t. Okay, I was a little, he’s an angel. How’s he going to know if it’s any good? But I remember the conversation about coffee. He’s so … Cas.

I took the mug from him, and he turned to look at me, even as I pressed him against the sideboard. I put the mug down again, stroking his cheeks as I looked at him seriously. He gave me a weak smile back.

‘Is it too early to be making you coffee?’

‘No Cas. Perfect timing.’

And then I kissed him, like I had wanted to the night before, and he kissed me back, and it was like we were solidifying this thing. However you want to call it, going together, going steady, exclusive, whatever. I felt like I was melting into him, as though just by kissing we were going to become one person. And he was into it, like he hadn’t been before I went to sleep, rubbing circles on my lower back, his arms tight around my middle. I was in my happy place, in his arms.  
I lost track of time, of everything but Cas’ mouth, his hands, the way his body felt pushed up against mine. I missed the moment the door swung open, Becky’s chattering only registering as it died away.

‘Yeah, well, it’s a little awkward with my ex-husband here …’

Cas pulled away from me reluctantly, but I was happy to just carry on, Becky or no Becky.

‘Oh my God. Charlie, I’m going to have to call you back.’

‘Uh-uh, with a face like that, you’re going to have to show me what’s ending the call. Come on, don’t hold out on me.’

I knew that voice. I let Cas go properly, and looked around, finding myself face-to-face with Charlie’s image on a video call, Becky’s phone just inches from my face.

‘Dean?’

‘Hey Charlie. What’s up?’

‘Apparently, you got yourself a boyfriend, that’s what’s up! Girlfriend, where’ve you been? Okay, Becky, I have to come over!’

‘Charlie,’ Becky sighed, looking at least a little bit less miserable than the night before. ‘It’s not a good idea, not with Sam-‘

‘Dean, you want me to visit, right?’ Charlie interrupted. I laughed, cuddling back into Cas.

‘Sure, Char.’

‘Good, because you and me need a major session of gossiping about your boy toy. Becky, it’s decided, I’m coming. Don’t worry, Sam loves me too. I mean, Dean loves me more … catch you soon!’

Charlie hung up, and left the three of us in an awkward silence, Cas and me still pressed up against each other, Becky hanging around nearby, staring at the screen of her phone. I grabbed my coffee again and tried to be nonchalant when I spoke, like it was every day that Becky would stumble in on Cas and me making out in her kitchen.

‘So, how do you know Charlie?’

‘Oh, she emailed me a few months ago, wanting to know more about you and your brother. Told me it was crazy but you were real. I said I knew that, and she said how you basically got her fired from her job.’

‘And saved her life!’ I defended myself immediately. Becky nodded absently.

‘Yeah, she said that too. I was always a little jealous that she talked about you like you all got along great, but she’s so nice, I couldn’t help liking her.’

‘Yeah, Charlie does that to you.’

Becky nodded, and then gestured to me and Cas.

‘So, what’s this? I mean, I’ve read the books, I know about your “profound bond” and I asked Chuck what was in it when all these Destiel fans appeared out of nowhere-‘

‘Excuse you?’ I interrupted.

Becky shook her head.

‘Never mind.’

‘What’s a desert elle?’ Cas asked.

‘Destiel. They merged your names together. Like Brangelina.’

I rolled my eyes, and Cas cocked his head, his hair scratching at my cheek.

‘Oh, like Dean-and-Castiel. That’s clever.’

Becky smiled at Cas like they were friends or something, just because he said some other freaks were clever, and then started chattering away at him with the questions that she must have been coming up with since at least the night before.

‘So, you’re an angel, right? Do you have magic powers? Do you have you know … can you two …’

She pointed her finger, and though I’d already got it, Cas was far behind her.

‘I mean, in the books, Dean had sex with Anna,’ that comment of Becky’s earned me a filthy look from Cas. ‘So that means there must be something going on … there, or was Dean right in the books when he called Uriel junkless?’

I got another frosty look from Cas. Great, thanks for ruining the mood, Becky.

‘That’s none of your business, Becky,’ I said firmly. ‘And just a tip, you wanna get in Sam’s good books? You don’t mention anything written by Carver Edlund. Ever.’  
Becky sighed, her sad face back on.

‘I get it, Dean. Sorry for being excited for the two of you. You seem really sweet together. But I get it, I wasn’t meant to see it, don’t tell Sam, it’s fine.’

She walked out, and I drained my coffee, avoiding Cas’s eye contact. He wants me looking at him before he chews me out.

‘Dean-‘

‘It was a long time ago.’ I defended myself.

‘I wasn’t thinking about Uriel and Anna. I was thinking that you were nice to the girl on the phone, but you were harsh when you were talking to Becky. That’s not fair.’

‘Charlie’s like a little sister to me.’

Cas just shrugged.

‘Have you been talking with Becky?’

‘When she was showing me how to use the coffee pot. I think you and Sam misunderstand her, and underestimate her. Give her a chance.’

I sighed, and caught his chin with my thumb and forefinger, tilting his head so I could kiss it.

‘For you. And for the record? You make a mean coffee.’

He frowned, as I knew he would, but let me kiss him firmly again, kissing me back, stroking my neck.

‘So I can do it again?’ he asked into my mouth.

‘Please. Like, every morning.’

He laughed into my mouth, and I hitched his legs up, around my waist.

‘Stop trying to turn me on. I’m going to have to take you upstairs and screw you.’

He looked around behind me, in case Becky or Sam had come back, and then he met my eyes, smiling in a way I didn’t think was possible for an angel.

‘How are you going to screw me, Dean? I don’t think I understand the process.’

We’ve been fooling around for two days already, how can he not understand … but there’s a look in his eyes like he knows exactly what’s up. Does he just want dirty talk?

‘I’m going to carry you upstairs, slowly, probably bumping into the walls all the time because we’ll be kissing so hard the tip of my tongue will be in your stomach. And we’re barely going to make it into the spare room-‘ I broke off as he started biting softly on my earlobe, and groaned loudly.

‘And then what, Dean? I’m still hazy,’ he whispered, his tongue working the lump just outside my ear hole. I pressed him harder against the sideboard.

‘And then we’re going to fall in a heap on the floor and tear at each other’s clothes until we’re naked, and things are going to get hazy, and sweaty, and we’re both going to struggle to breathe but we won’t give a shit because we’ll be together, skin on skin, kissing each other like the world’s going to end. And then you’ll start working down my body-‘

‘Other way around.’ He corrected me, biting harder at my ear this time.

‘Okay, so I’ll be kissing down your neck, biting hard, hoping to cover you in hickeys. I’ll cover every inch of skin I can, wanting to taste you, to savour you, even as you’re pushing my head down because you’re so needy, so desperate for me that you don’t want to wait.’

He groaned this time, right into my ear, before he kissed down to that sweet spot just below my ear, along my jawline.

‘And then I get to your dick, and you’re trying to tell me what to do with your hands, but I’m ignoring you, because this isn’t about getting you off straight away, this is about worshipping every inch of your body. And I know you’re going to love it when I take my time, kissing and licking every inch of you, one of my hands working your balls, the other hand working your ass, and you’re going to start shaking because every fibre of your being, every fibre of mine, is going to be concentrating on your dick.’

‘Dean, stop talking,’ he breathed, and crashed his mouth against mine. I started carrying him through Becky’s house, trying to remember the way, leaning him up against door frames and walls to stop myself falling over with him. We didn’t get far before I heard Sam’s loud groan.

‘Can you two not keep it in your pants for twenty-four hours?’

‘Mmmm, I would, but we have a lot of lost time to catch up on.’ I said into Cas’ mouth.

‘You’re animals.’ Sam declared. ‘Look, this is hard enough with Becky, without you two acting like teenagers, can you please tone it down?’

Cas pulled away from me to look Sam square in the eyes.

‘Dean’s made me a promise. He has to keep it.’

I’m okay with Cas taking charge of the sex stuff, but I don’t know how I feel about him bringing that to Sam.

‘Yeah, okay, I get it, you’re both on heat. Please, just not in Becky’s house, not right now.’

Why does Sam always have to try to cockblock me?

‘I understand Sam, but I really can’t hear you right now,’ Cas shrugged, and looked back at me. ‘You were taking me back to our room?’

I feel stuck. I really, really want to go upstairs and connect with Cas, but I don’t want to annoy my brother. I looked at Sam, and he sighed like I’d begged him.

‘Stay in that room, and keep it down. I don’t want to know.’ He walked away, calling for Becky, and Cas grabbed my face, forcing my mouth open with his tongue, and then we were stumbling up the stairs, thudding along the hallway and into the spare room. I kicked the door closed behind us, and staggered to the bed, pulling my shirt off over his head as I let him down. He grabbed at my jeans, working the button open as we carried on making out, and my hands were already in his boxer-briefs, squeezing his ass so hard I knew it would be covered in bruises that matched my fingers.

He pushed my jeans down quickly, my underpants going down too, and I stepped out of them, pushing him down against the bed with my weight, one hand still gripping his ass as the other hand moved to the front of his pants, gripping his dick and tugging on it gently, wrapping my hands around him and starting to work the skin as I pumped my hand.

‘Dean,’ he hissed, suddenly unable to kiss me back. I leaned more of my weight down onto him, still working him with one hand as I started working at his neck, right on his Adam’s apple. He started babbling. ‘I love you, Dean, I love you so much, that feels so good. Don’t stop, please don’t stop.’

‘I know Cas, I know baby, I won’t, I won’t, you taste so good,’ I babbled back, grinding myself against my hand, and him. He pulled his pants off, and forced my hands around myself as well, so I was holding both of us, his hand wrapped around mine. We fell into a rhythm, both of us panting hard, thrusting against our hands, the feel of his dick against mine both alien and so welcome. I looked up at him, and he looked down at me, and that turned me on even more, until I was coming all over our hands, and his stomach, and he could see from my expression the complete state of ecstasy that I was in.

‘That’s all for you, Cas,’ I whispered as soon as I could, coming down from my orgasm. He looked completely doped up, totally high, but his eyes never left mine as he started to come too, covering our stomachs all over again, smiling faintly as he did. I smiled back, and we stayed like that for a while, our stomachs sticking together as our spunk dried off, our hands still wrapped around our wet, limp dicks, and our eyes locked on each other. It felt like, at that moment, we had no secrets, nothing we needed to hide. This is the most intense I’ve ever been with anyone else, and I’m not scared. I thought I would be, but it feels natural, to be like this with Cas. It feels like he knows that, somehow. But there’s one thing I need to know now.

‘Cas? How do you take your coffee?’

He started laughing, but I knew he got it. I wasn’t asking about coffee.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in Updates! Although it's been about four days since GISHWHES and I've managed both chapters, that's pretty quick for me! Hope you enjoy it x


	12. Chapter 12

I don’t know how long Cas and me laid on the bed together, stuck together by our spunk. He started humming as I started running my fingers over his skin, after he calmed down laughing about the coffee thing It was nice to just lay there with him, skin to skin, feeling his heart beating, the way his chest rose and fell as he breathed, his warmth, everything. In the quiet between us, I could hear downstairs, the sound of Sam and Becky talking, which should have made me feel weird but it didn’t. They weren’t yelling and killing the mood.

‘Dean?’ Cas said softly.

‘Mmmm?’

‘You didn’t do what you promised.’

I had to think for a moment, trying to rack my brains for what I could have promised. And then I realised he meant the sex talk, the stuff I said then. I stretched on top of him, and started curling my fingers in his hair.

‘Well, if we had some of that stuff you bought, I could make it up to you.’

‘Some of the stuff I bought?’ He sounded confused.

‘Mmm, your little Amsterdam trip? If I coulda remembered, I would’ve brought it with us.’

‘I could go and retrieve it? I can just flash in and flash out, it won’t take me any time.’

‘Okay, you do that, and I’m going to go for a shower.’

Cas started tracing a finger on my shoulder, moving his head around so he could look at me. He pursed his lips for a second, and I wished he wouldn’t because he has really kissable lips. He released them to speak, and I forced myself to concentrate, instead of picturing that mouth all over me.

‘Can I join you in the shower? And then get the stuff from the bunker?’ He put on that sexy voice, even as he blinked at me with that innocent expression.

‘For someone who didn’t want sex last night,’ I grinned at him. ‘You’re being pretty suggestive right now.’

‘I wasn’t thinking of sex, not in the shower. I don’t think that’s possible.’ He stopped talking when I winked at him. ‘Oh. But I wasn’t thinking-‘

I cut him off with a kiss. I like the idea of shower sex with him, if Becky’s bathroom has the space for it.

‘Don’t you think it’s disrespectful to Becky?’

‘No. She saw us together, she knows we’re together. She’s an adult, she can do the math.’ I dropped a kiss onto his collarbone. ’So, if you don’t wanna screw in the shower, what did you wanna do in there?’

‘I don’t want to say it. Forget it.’ He looked embarrassed. What the hell was he thinking?

‘Well, okay. I’m still gonna go shower, but if you change your mind, zap in.’ I kissed his collarbone again, and peeled myself off him, turning around and grabbing a towel from the pile Becky dropped off the night before, as well as my wash stuff from my bag. I wrapped the towel around me and turned back to him, still laying on the bed, watching me with hooded eyes. And I looked at him, at the body I’ve really only paid attention to up close. The moment felt strange, but this was me and Cas, we’ve always been a little different. And even though he’s a guy, there’s something about his body that still drives me crazy, the way he’s a little curvy, and skinny, but firm underneath that. I never thought I’d be turned on by another guy in this way.

‘Dean?’ he said quietly, breaking the spell. Right, yeah, I need a shower. And I need to make it a cold one.

‘Yeah, I won’t be long, okay?’ I promised, and left the room, careful to slip through the door so Sam or Becky wouldn’t get an eyeful if they were out there. I felt a stab of possessiveness as I did it, like Cas is for my eyes only. I need to keep that shit under wraps, I don’t wanna scare Cas off.

Becky’s house is so freaking bright. The bathroom was painted this horrible green, I felt like I was walking into a pile of limes. I needed to move fast to get out of there and stop my eyes from exploding. I turned on the spray and pulled the towel away, climbing into the shower cubicle and closing my eyes as I stood under her power shower. And then I felt a pair of arms around my chest, and Cas standing behind me, cuddling close.

‘You changed your mind?’ I asked quietly.

‘No.’ He kissed between my shoulder blades, and pulled away. I turned a little, to see what he was doing, since the cubicle was pretty small, but before I could catch a glimpse of his face, he started rubbing circles into my back with a loofah sponge. That was what he wanted to do? I stood still and let him wash me, which he did slowly, pressing just hard enough with the sponge. He did all over my back before he spoke again. ‘Turn around.’

I twisted around, facing him without either of us banging into the glass door or the tiling, and he started working on my chest, his eyes fixed on what he was doing, and I stared at him.

And then, of course, Sam had to ruin the moment.

‘Dean?’ I could hear him calling up the stairs. I groaned, and Cas smiled.

‘In the shower!’ I called back.

‘Oh. Where’s Cas?’

Sam would get pissed to find out the truth. He doesn’t have to know.

‘Angel stuff!’

‘Okay. I’m going to the supermarket with Becky, okay? Want anything?’

‘Beer. And pie!’

Cas smiled wider at that, bringing the sponge down to my stomach.

‘Fine. See you later!’

I strained my ears and listened for the door closing, aware that Cas’ hand was dropping lower with the loofah sponge. I leaned back against the tiles, watching him as he worked my body with the soapy sponge, the way he concentrated so hard on the job, and I forced myself to stay calm. He said this wasn’t about sex, after all. It was just hard to deal when he was brushing that thing against my dick.

And then he went past my junk, and washed my legs, before standing again and smiling at me.

‘Do you need help washing your hair?’

I didn’t, but that wasn’t the point. I nodded, and he grabbed some shampoo, dropping the sponge, and pouring some of the shampoo into his hand. And then he was rubbing my head gently, and I closed my eyes, letting him take control, feeling our bodies brush against each other as he worked the shampoo through my hair. My eyes felt hot and prickly, and I tried to fight it down. But I don’t remember anyone taking care of me like this, it’s a little hard to take.

He kissed me when he was done, and stepped back away from me.

‘I should go and get everything,’ he whispered. ‘I won’t be long.’

‘Okay. Don’t bring the whips.’

‘I know.’ He kissed me again briefly, and when I opened my eyes, he was gone. I stepped out of the shower, back into the towel, and took my time shaving, and brushing my teeth. Cas shouldn’t take any time to zap into the bunker, grab the kinky stuff, and then zap back, but I need to pull myself together. Especially since I’m going to go back into that room and fuck his brains out. I can’t be such a fucking girl about this.

I put on this aftershave Sam got me a billion years ago for my birthday, and checked my hair. Like it even matters when Cas is going to mess it up. I guess I was just trying to look good for him. I finally ran out of things to do in the bathroom, and the green was hurting my eyes anyway. I went back to the bedroom, where Cas was laying things out neatly on the desk, and I looked over all the stuff. Those pink handcuffs are missing, but there’s a small pile of condoms, some lube, anal beads, the cock ring, and a DVD. Cas is rocking porn? He reached back into his bag, and I stopped him, shaking my head.

’This is fine Cas. This is enough.’ I picked up the DVD. ‘You wanna watch this while we screw?’

He looked at me, his mouth quirked in a way that tells me he’s annoyed.

‘Please don’t call it that.’

It took me a second to realise what he meant. What the hell does he want me to call it? Making love?

‘Sorry,’ I muttered, sliding my arms around his waist, resting my chin on his shoulder, sliding my hands up and underneath the shirt he was suddenly wearing again. ‘You’ve got too many clothes on.’

He made that weird, short little laugh, and turned his face, meeting my eyes.

‘Is this really going to happen?’ He sounded nervous.

‘Don’t you want it to?’

I’m only just remembering how Cas hasn’t been with anyone before. He must be freaking out.

‘I do. Please, just go easy on me, Dean.’

I nodded, and kissed him just by his nose, sliding my hands up his shirt until I could try to work it over his head. He lifted his arms to let the shirt go, and when I got it off, he started stroking at my face, and I couldn’t look anywhere but at him as I reached down and pulled his slacks off, and he pushed my towel away. I grabbed onto the desk blindly, scrabbling for a condom and the lube, before walking him back over to the bed, and pulling him on top of me. He looked down at me seriously, as I smiled back up at him.

‘It’s okay, Cas. It’s you and me, right?’

He nodded, shifting his position slightly. I was pressed up against the headboard, and I raised my legs up, pinning him into place. He looked down at me, wrapping his arms around me, and I looked back up at him, our faces just inches from each other. And then he slowly bent down, and kissed me gently, squeezing my chest, and I let go of the condom and the lube to reach up, pulling him closer to me, my fingers stuck into his hair. And then I slowly traced one hand down his back, loving the way he arched his chest into mine as a reaction, even though he had no idea what I was thinking. I slipped my hands into his underpants, and he shifted on my lap as I ran a finger between his butt cheeks, which just gave me more room to move.

I worked my finger along until I reached the hole, and stuck it in. He stopped kissing me, gasping as he looked around at me wildly.

‘Dean!’

He looked freaked out. I kept my finger where it was, stopped moving completely.

‘Babe, it’s okay. It’s part of it, okay?’

He nodded awkwardly, his head barely bobbing, and I decided to give him an out.

‘Okay, Cas? I want you to think of a word. Any word, so long as it’s nothing to do with this, okay? Let me know what it is, and any time you want to stop, you say it. And I’ll stop straight away, even if I’m already inside you. Deal?’

He cocked his head slightly.

‘That sounds impractical.’

‘It’s meant to catch me off guard. If you shout liquorice when we’re in the moment, it’ll take me out of it and remind me you want to stop. They call it a safeword. But think of something you’d remember, okay? You’re the one who’s going to be calling it.’

He rested his forehead against mine, and whispered it.

‘Guinea pig.’

Cas can be so weird.

‘Guinea pig it is. Only when you want to stop, okay?’

He nodded, and began kissing me again, and I slid my finger further into him, loving the way it made his body twist in a reaction, the way he moaned into my mouth. Just on one finger.

I slid another finger in, and he bucked into me hard, moaning louder, clawing at my back as I slid them in and out of his body, twisting them around, pushing against the skin to make room for a third finger. He stopped kissing me to pant desperately, clinging to me, and I peppered his face with kisses as I managed to get a third finger in, and he moaned so loudly the bed shook.

‘You like that?’ I whispered. He had his eyes squeezed shut, panting hard. He looks like he’s in pain. ‘Cas-‘

‘Keep going.’ He gasped out, clinging even tighter to my chest, burying his face into my shoulder. I carried on working his ass, making it big enough for a fourth finger, and he started keening like a dying animal.

‘Cas-‘

‘Dean!’ He sounded wild. He hadn’t said it, but I was concerned.

‘You remember the safe word?’

He nodded, curling around me as tightly as possible.

‘You wanna keep going?’

He nodded again, groaning loudly the second I twitched my fingers. It was lucky Sam and Becky had gone out, they wouldn’t be able to avoid Cas’ sex noises. I started moving my fingers again, reaching across the bed with my other hand for the condom I brought over, opening it with my teeth and pulling it out as I spat the wrapper away.

‘Cas? Help me get this on,’ I whispered, and he took it off me, reeling back to slowly smooth it down me, and I made sure to keep my fingers inside him, splaying them out as much as I could just to watch as his body jolted. Until my eyes began to close involuntarily, because his fingers felt so good on me.

‘Dean?’ he whispered, and I opened my eyes lazily, smiling at him like a goofball.

‘Mmmm,’ I grabbed the lube, and he took it off me, unscrewing the cap and working it into my dick too. I took my fingers out of him, and grabbed the tube, squirting some onto my fingers and working them back into him, massaging the stuff into his skin as he started moaning loudly again. I don’t think he even noticed when I took my fingers out again and started lowering him onto my dick, my eyes rolling back at the feel of him around me. He got even louder, his breathing ragged and loud too, and I was gasping for breath too, loving the way he felt around me. I held his hips, moving him slowly down, my chest tightening at the noises he was making. I couldn’t even describe them anymore, but they spurred me on anyway, because I’m the one making him fall apart like that.

I dug my fingers into his hips and started moving him up again, trying to coax him into moving, as I tried to use the mattress to help me thrust into him. And even though he sounds like a dying moose, even though he’s muffled by my shoulder, he started moving with me, finding that sweet spot pretty quickly, and then I got lost in it, my body taking over, gripping him hard as I slammed into him, my own moans overshadowed by his.

I lost track of time, lost track of everything but the feel of him surrounding me, the tight feeling in my chest, until I couldn’t hold back anymore and came with a shout that could begin to rival his. He laughed through his gasps, and pressed his mouth against mine in a sloppy kiss. And then he curled up into my chest again, no longer thrusting against me, his breathing calming down even though I was still balls deep in him.

’So that’s sex?’ he asked eventually. I wrapped my arms around him again.

‘Mmmm.’

‘We can definitely do that again,’ he purred, running his fingers up my chest.

‘Good. Because we still need to use that stuff.’ I nodded across the room to the desk, which still had a small supply of condoms, the beads and the ring on.

‘Another time, maybe,’ Castiel sighed, and kissed right by my nipple. ’Sam and Becky will be back soon, we need to clean up.’

I nodded, though he couldn’t see that from my chest, and let him climb off me, trying not to groan in disappointment. He kissed me again, and zapped us both clean, and into clothes. He stood up off the bed, and I followed him down Becky’s stairs, slipping my hand in his back pocket at the base of the steps and going in for another kiss, which he gave back happily. And then we walked into the front room, where Sam and Becky were sitting on the sofa, like we’d just interrupted their conversation. Becky looked both grossed out and hysterical, and Sam looked pissed. I’m going to guess they heard us.

‘Hey, thought you guys were at the store?’ I laughed nervously.

‘It’s half a block away, Dean. But I guess you wouldn’t have heard us come back?’

Before I could make some excuse for why it sounded like I was torturing Cas, Sam passed up the morning’s paper.

‘More demonic signs, not that far away from us. We should check it out.’

I took the paper with the hand not wedged in Cas’ pocket, and he took the far edge, holding it out for the both of us to read together.

‘Seems legit,’ I said to Sam, grateful that he gave us an excuse not to have a “talk” about what we were just up to. He’ll probably wait a couple of days to go to town on this one. ‘When did you want to go?’

‘If we go now, we’ll be back before Charlie gets here,’ Becky said quietly. I nodded, and squeezed Cas’ butt through his pants.

‘Are you coming?’ I dropped my voice, hoping to keep the moment private.

‘Yes, I want to see if its like the last place.’

The one he didn’t think was demons. He never said what he thought it was.

‘Sure, we can-‘

‘Hey!’ Sam snapped his fingers at us. We both looked at him. ‘Dean, can we talk a minute?’

Oh, okay, he only waited for thirty seconds. I let go of Cas’ perky ass and followed my brother out into the back yard, where he stood in the middle of the grass and glared at me, hands on his hips, trying to look intimidating. I leaned up against the bench Becky had, relaxing and acting like this wasn’t a big deal, though we both knew it was.

‘Look, I get it, Dean. I get that you’re wrapped up in Cas, that this is a new relationship, you’re in the honeymoon phase. I get that this is all new, and shiny. But come on! What were you guys thinking?’

‘That we had a free house for like, an hour. Sorry that Cas was so noisy.’

‘Oh, you were plenty noisy yourself, Dean. Just because you couldn’t hear it, doesn’t mean Becky and I couldn’t. Or her neighbours. I asked you to keep it down if you insisted on disrespecting the fact that things between Becky and me are weird.’

‘I wasn’t thinking about you and Becky,’ I assured him, and he bitchfaced back at me.

‘I know, you were thinking with your dick.’

‘Look, I’m sorry, okay? How’s it going with Crazy Superfan?’

I got another bitchface for that.

‘She’s not like before. She seems sad all the time. Cas talking to her this morning seemed to help, I don’t know what he said to her. She’s more like the girl I’ve been talking to online. I think … I think we’re going to give it a go.’

‘You’re going to date Becky?’ I tried to suppress the laughter. Didn’t work. He bitchfaced harder.

‘Yeah, I am Dean. I haven’t given you shit for dating Cas, for all the things that are wrong with that. So don’t give me shit for Becky.’

He stormed back into the house, and I stayed on the bench for a moment. What’s so wrong with me and Cas? I mean, yeah we’re both dudes, but I got the feeling he wasn’t necessarily talking about that. Maybe it was just the loud sex. I need to make sure Cas remembers to keep it down the way he keeps reminding me, even though I love when he screams. I like that I have that much control over his body.

And Sam’s going to have to get used to Cas and me being all up in each other. If he and Becky are dating, he shouldn’t be so worried. I followed Sam back into the house, finding Cas and pulling him into a hug wordlessly. He wrapped his arms around my waist and squeezed tightly, and it sounds lame but it was just what I needed. I could hear Sam groaning at us, and Becky hushing him, whispering that he should back off, that we were in love.

Am I in love with Cas? I mean, we’re going places I haven’t been with anyone else, but love? It’s only been a couple of days, that’s way too early for me. But I don’t want to give Cas the idea that I don’t care about him, so I left it. Let Becky think that.

They started talking about going to the latest place riddled with demonic activity as I lifted my head and looked at Cas, who smiled back at me like we were sharing some huge secret, and Becky’s doorbell rang. And then I could hear excited chattering as Cas leaned closer and kissed me, squeezing my waist as he did. And then the chattering grew louder, and Charlie’s voice became distinct, calling my name. I pulled away from Cas, letting go of him completely, and turning to give her a hug as she barrelled into me.


	13. Chapter 13

Charlie was just as chatty as she was when we worked on that case with her LARP crew, talking about all the people she’d met at comic con and the roles they played on TV. I knew some of them, like Steve Amell, but the rest were just names. Still, it was good to catch up with her, even as I drove us all to the latest field with cattle deaths and localised freak weather.

‘So how’s Moondor anyway?’

‘Well, I’m still queen. My replacement handmaiden sucks, but at least no one’s dying. Never saw that fairy again either.’

‘Sorry.’

‘No you’re not! I could’ve scored with a fairy, Dean!’

‘And the warlock who trapped her would’ve killed you. You’re welcome.’

‘Ugh, whatever. You have a hero complex.’

‘You play a queen in a made up world.’

‘I play a queen in an alternate universe which revolves around my local park, thanks.’

I shook my head and glanced at Castiel, who was beside me in the front seat. I’d been steering one-handed the entire way so we could have some kind of contact, our fingers woven together, but he wasn’t even looking at me. He was staring out the window, looking sad about something. I don’t know what, unless he got yelled at for fucking me too. It definitely wasn’t because we were fucking, because I know he enjoyed it as much as I did. I’ll crack him later.

‘Turn right here,’ Becky cut through Charlie’s banter, and directed me into an old parking lot.

‘I thought it was a field?’

‘I did say Dean, it’s not my fault you weren’t listening.’ Sam’s still in sulk mode. Geez, is he just jealous I’m getting some right now? I’m pretty sure Becky would put out if he asked.

‘I couldn’t hear you over the tales of comic con.’

‘Don’t blame Charlie!’

I rolled my eyes, and pulled to a stop, letting go of Cas to climb out of the car. And just to make a point to Sam, I started walking across the lot, looking for some trace of sulphur, or anything to back up Becky’s conclusion that there were demons about.

Eventually, my brother called out from across the lot.

‘Nothing?’

I looked up, holding my hands out.

‘Nada.’

Sam bitchfaced, but this time I knew it wasn’t at me, it was at the futility of the case. Did we even have one? I would suspect Becky trying to get close to Sam again, but I could just tell in my gut that’s not right. The only clue I felt we even had was from Cas. He was the one saying it wasn’t demons. I looked back for him, and saw him leaning against the car, staring into his hands, his sadness hanging around him like a cloud. I ignored how Sam would react, and went straight over to him, taking up all his personal space so he couldn’t blank me out.

‘Hey, everything okay?’ I slipped between his legs, pretending we were alone. I wanted us to be alone, like a total chick.

‘Fine.’

Do angels say fine when nothing’s fine too? I don’t know, but I humoured him.

‘Well, you’re right. No sulphur, no nothing.’ I held his chin between my thumb and forefinger, raising his face so he had to look at me. And then I kissed him, trying not to care about our audience. He barely kissed back. Did I piss him off? ‘Wanna take a guess what we’re dealing with?’

Cas’ shoulders sagged a little, like he couldn’t believe I’d just want to talk about the case. But yeah Cas, I wanted it dealt with so we could go find somewhere to just be us for a while. To not worry about Sam telling us to stop, to use some of the things he bought for us. But I didn’t want to look like an ass while I told him that, so instead I kissed him, pulling him closer with the lapels of his trench coat. He started responding properly, which was a relief. I didn’t want him mad at me.

‘Seriously, Dean, Cas, can you not put it away for ten minutes?’

My brother has shit timing.

‘We should go look for witnesses, see what’s going on.’

I pulled away from Cas reluctantly, turning to face Sam but still holding on to my baby.

‘Were there any witnesses?’

Sam shot me another look like I was being a total dick, when he’s the one playing _separate Dean and Cas_.

’There must’ve been, if there was a story to follow. We’ll go looking for them, and Cas’ll look after the girls. I mean, Charlie could hold her own but Becky?’

‘Girl can pack a punch with a waffle iron.’

Sam bitchfaced harder, and I groaned.

‘Fine. But we’re going now.’

The girls shuffled into the car, wisely not saying a thing, and Sam climbed into the passenger seat. I took the opportunity to kiss Cas again.

‘Sam and I won’t be long, okay? Take care of the girls for us.’

Cas winced. He hadn’t listened to a single word we said, had he?

‘Don’t leave me behind.’

He looked and sounded so pitiful. I just wanted to blow my brother off, make Cas feel better. But Sam wasn’t going to give it a rest easily.

‘I’ll make it up to you, promise. Sam and Becky are going out tonight, we’ll stay in and make our own fun.’

Cas nodded, that same sad vibe following him as he climbed in back with the girls. He needs to cheer up.

*

We dropped the girls and Cas off at Becky’s place, and I texted Charlie before we drove off to please cheer my angel up. She texted back to tell me I was fucking whipped and Cas hates her, and I found myself in a texting conversation where I was trying to reassure her he didn’t, he just had some shit going on. Sam cleared his throat pointedly.

‘Dean? Witnesses?’

‘Yeah, sure. So we just cruising around for them?’

‘No, Becky’s given me a few names, I looked them up, we should start with them.’

I pulled away, and waited until we were half a block down the road.

‘So, we’re just trusting Becky blindly now?’

‘Dean, shut up.’

‘I’m just saying, Cas thinks it’s not demons, we should be getting him to spill about what he thinks it is.’

‘Maybe Becky’s witnesses can actually tell us? Because if it’s you and Cas, there’s not going to be enough talking going on.’

‘Yeah, the sex is good.’

‘Really? You’re really going to do that?’

‘Fuck Cas?’

‘Talk to me about it. I don’t wanna know.’

There was silence in the car for a few blocks.

So, what’re you doing for your date tonight with Becky?’

‘I was thinking a nice dinner in a restaurant, then maybe go for a walk.’

‘When did you grow a vagina?’

‘When did you start taking it up the ass?’

‘I don’t. You heard Cas earlier, right?’

‘Oh, Dean, that’s so gross.’

‘You brought it up that time.’

Sam sighed, flipping through his notes on the case.

‘Okay, let’s deal with this. You and Cas. Because I’m getting whiplash following your relationship. Is it serious?’

‘I guess. I mean, I’d call him my boyfriend. It’s not like we’re going to get married or anything, but its pretty good.’

‘And it doesn’t bother you that he’s a guy?’

I struggled for a second to answer that one. It was something that bothered me at first, but now its like, it’s Cas, and that’s enough.

‘I guess not.’

Sam seemed to take that answer without making out I was avoiding the question, which I was grateful for. We sank into our usual silence until we pulled up to the most recent witness’ house.

’So, what Becky said, I mean, neither of you argued back, so like … are you in love?’

I shrugged. I’ve been thinking about it, about why I didn’t shut that down. Was it love? We’ve only been together for maybe a week. But he’s my best friend. So maybe?

‘Wow.’

’Shut up, Sam. You’re dating Becky.’

‘I never thought I’d see you in love.’

‘I’m not definitely in love. Shut up.’

He smirked, and I climbed out of the car. My brother can be such an asshole.

*

The witnesses were a bust. The only thing we got was that one person saw two women in the lot before a localised storm. I told Sam it sounds like witches, but he of course disagrees. He says there was no other signs that pointed to witches, but what else would require two people to bring about localised freak weather? We didn’t even get a description of the women, because this guy was half blind, the only reason he thought they were women was because their hair was long.

I was desperate for a bottle of whiskey after the last one, when Sam checked his watch and said we should head home, so he could get ready and take Becky in time for their reservations. I swallowed the comment I wanted to make about his damn reservations, because at least he was finally letting me go back to Cas.

‘Dean? I don’t want to beg you, but please don’t have sex with Cas in Becky’s house just because we’re out tonight. I don’t wanna walk back in from our date and hear what I heard this morning.’

How is he still trying to control it?

’Sam-‘

‘Look, why not take him out or something? I mean, I can’t see Cas being happy about it being just sex.’

‘We went to the movies the other day.’

‘So you’re mentally fifteen.’

I ignored him. He doesn’t get it. I’m not going to take Cas to some pretentious restaurant where we pay some jackass on minimum wage half his income so he can be a condescending asshole to us when it’s so much better to just be with Cas. And besides, I’m not the one who zapped over to Amsterdam to buy sex toys. Sam doesn’t know what my Cas is really like, at all.

We walked back into Becky’s house, and there was no sign of anyone, no noises, nothing. I looked at Sam, who was pulling his gun out of his waistband, just in case. I dropped my voice the way we did in a hunt, and called out.

‘Charlie? Becky? Cas!’

A floorboard creaked upstairs, and Sam put his gun away like nothing had happened.

‘I should probably get ready. That’s probably what Becky’s doing, anyway.’

I’m starting to see how Jess could’ve flamed out on the ceiling. Sam’s smart, but he’s not always bright. And what’s with repeating himself so much?

‘Probably.’

Sam punched my arm, and headed back into the room he’d been sleeping in to grab some clothes. So it was down to me to investigate and make sure this girlfriend didn’t die, I guess. I climbed the stairs and saw the girls just inside the doorway of the room Cas and I got given. I figured Cas was in there too, so I snuck up on the girls and pinched them both at the same time, making both their knees buckle. And then I could see him, sitting on our bed, his eyes wide and concentrated on me. I wanted to just cross the room, jump on the bed and make out with him, but the girls were still there.

And then I had a sickened moment when I realised Cas probably didn’t pick up the stuff we’d used that morning. I didn’t want Charlie’s questions, or Becky being flustered, because both outcomes would be annoying. But Cas did me proud, the room looked just like we’d found it. I looked back at him. He seemed happier than earlier.

‘Hey, you okay?’

He nodded, and I tried to believe him.

‘So hey, Sam’s taking Becky out tonight, we need a major catch up session. Wanna watch some movies, eat some junk food, and just hang out?’ Charlie broke the moment. I love Charlie like a little sister, but I had promised Cas.

‘Sure, maybe we could braid each other’s hair.’

I winked at Cas, hoping he’d at least smile, but nope, nothing. Yeah, he’s totally fine. Charlie didn’t seem to get that all my focus was on the fuckable angel on my bed.

‘I mean it, Dean. You can kick back, not worry about hunting, and we can chat, watch bad movies, eat pizza and chips and rate the women on screen.’

‘That does sound good.’ I sighed, and finally looked at her. I guess she’s right, I mean, we don’t see each other a lot, and I could wait a few more hours before sinking into Cas, right? And isn’t there that whole thing of it being better if you wait? I could handle a couple more hours.

*

Charlie dragged me out to the supermarket to stock up on movie snacks, and I dragged Cas along too. He stayed close the entire time around the store, but he still seemed distant. I guessed because Charlie was there, getting excited over a deal on jerky. Those few hours wait seemed so fucking long without the opportunity to talk to Cas, and I started to wonder if Sam had said anything to Charlie about how we weren’t allowed to be alone. Even back at Becky’s house, she was everywhere. If I reached out for Cas’ hand, suddenly she was shoving the chips and a bowl in my arms and ordering me to get them set up in the living room.

Meanwhile, Sam was calling me over to get my opinion of which monkey suit he should wear, which tie went best, were brogues too much? I told him I didn’t give a shit, and nor would Becky because she was finally sinking her claws into him. He rolled his eyes so many times, but finally seemed to settle on something, checking his watch and sighing.

‘I’d better go. Remember what I said?’

‘Mmm-hmmm. And Charlie’s doing a great job of cock-blocking me too.’

‘Good. I knew she wouldn’t let me down.’

‘Bitch.’

‘Jerk,’ he grinned. ’So, guess I’m going on a date with Becky.’

‘Guess you are.’ I shook my head.

‘Have a good time without us.’

‘And make sure Becky survives.’

Sam shoved my arm again, before walking off to find Becky. I walked back to the kitchen, looking for Cas. He was standing uncomfortably in the corner as Charlie finished off a bowl of popcorn. We heard Sam call out a goodbye before the door slammed shut, and Charlie grabbed my arm as I tried to get over to Cas.

‘Come on, first one in the TV room gets to pick the movie. I will make you watch something fluffy just to annoy you.’

Shows what she knows. She can watch whatever the fuck she wants so long as I get time with my angel. She let go of me to put a DVD on, and I collapsed across the big sofa, as Cas walked in. He stared at me, and I held my arms up, a silent signal for him to come over. He smiled weakly, before curling up onto me as I pulled him close. So I didn’t get to check what’s bothering him, at least the hug would help make him feel better, right? I started running my fingers through his hair as our legs tangled together, and he slipped an arm around my chest.

Charlie turned back and saw us together, sighing and crossing over to the little armchair with the remote. We both knew her mission had failed, because there was no way in hell I was letting go of him for the entire movie.

She kept trying though, for a participation trophy from Sam, I guess. She’d put on the Avengers, which didn’t surprise me because as if that girl could handle a chick flick. She kept talking through it, commenting on Loki and whether I had a shot with Thor. I ignored her, squeezing Cas closer, concentrating on the movie, trying to make it through until Charlie went to sleep so Cas and me could make our own fun.

‘Hey Dean?’ Charlie asked about the time the credits started to roll. ‘Want a beer?’

She better be trying to make peace with me.

‘Yeah, sure Charlie.’

‘Good, me too. They’re in the kitchen. Grab me one?’

So much for that. She’s not as funny as she obviously thinks she is.

‘Eat me, Charlie.’

‘Hmmm, think I’ll leave that to your boyfriend. In the meantime, get me a beer, bitch.’

I caved, only because she at least acknowledged Cas was mine. Cas let me up pretty quickly, even though I would’ve put money on him wanting to stay exactly how we were. I needed to make Charlie pay for all the shit throughout the day, so as soon as he’d climbed off me, I grabbed Charlie up, trying to avoid her kicking legs as she squealed in my ear. And then I threw her onto the other couch, and sat on her, pretending her weak-ass punches weren’t bothering me.

‘Dammit, Dean, get me a fucking beer.’

‘Make me.’

She pushed at me, and I moved off, walking towards the kitchen, hearing her giggling alongside me. I knew she was planning revenge, so I grabbed her in a half-Nelson before she could try.

‘Dean, you’re such a dick!’

‘Whatever, loser.’

She started poking me as we walked along, like a total girl. I would have thought Charlie would fight better than that. But if she wanted to be a total kid about it, I could be too. I sucked my finger and stuck it in her ear.

‘Stop it!’

‘You stop it!’

‘You’re such a fucking child.’

She tried to knee me in the balls.

‘And you’re - okay, this is why I tell Sam you’re like the sister I never wanted.’

‘Fuck you.’

I finally let go of her in the kitchen, and she grabbed a couple of beers, passing them over so I could snap the tops off. She slowly stopped giggling, and cocked her head at me.

‘So, you and Castiel, what’s going on there?’

Like I don’t get this all the frigging time with Sam.

‘We’re going out?’

‘No, really?’ She rolled her eyes. ‘You know what I mean. You’re different with him.’

I’m guessing she thinks I’m different around Cas because I actually want to bone him.

‘If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were jealous.’

‘You’re making out with an angel, I’m a little bit jealous. But come on, I mean, he seems really possessive over you, and back in there … it was like you weren’t Dean anymore.’

What the hell did that even mean? I coulda told her he wasn’t possessive, he’d just missed me with all the cock-blocking going on around here. I coulda told her that I started it, I wanted to just lay there and hold him. But I don’t think Charlie would’ve understood it, not really.

‘So what’re you trying to say?’

‘I don’t know, Dean. It’s like he’s doing something to you. And then Sam and Becky were saying earlier that you’ve been having memory problems and I don’t know. Maybe he’s done something.’

Done something to me? That’s not vague at all. Besides, why would he have fucked with my memories? He was the one clawing what he could back, and most of them were about us. I was starting to think it’s not Cas with the problem.

‘Done something like what?’

‘Like I don’t know, Dean. Taking away any memories that stop you from being a total sap around him? Making you act like you’re whipped? Could he do anything like that?’

I’m not a total sap around Cas. Am I? I don’t think we’re all that different to how we were when we were just friends, except now we fuck. Maybe Charlie just has it wrong, since we’ve only hung out a few times. I am so not fucking whipped. I tried to swallow my frustration and explain it to her patiently. She’s read those damn books, she should get it enough about Cas.

‘Cas wouldn’t. He’s not like the other angels, Charlie. He’s not going to dick me over for his own goals. Believe whatever you wanna believe, but me and Cas, it’s … it’s a good thing.’

‘Fine.’

‘Fine.’

Charlie took a bottle from me and started chugging it, and I left mine on the side to go back to my Cas. He was still sitting awkwardly on the sofa, staring out into space. There’s a chance he managed to hear every word, with his angel mojo and all.

‘Did you hear all that?’ I kept my voice hushed, in case Charlie was eavesdropping. Cas nodded. ‘Yeah, well, it’s …’

‘It’s okay, Dean. I know it must baffle other people that you’re with another man.’

I walked across the room, looking up at him seriously. Was that what’s been bothering him? Did Sam say something to him earlier? I thought we cleared this up already?

‘Cas, I’m working around your vessel, okay? I know the difference between you and it.’ I checked behind me, and noticed that Charlie hadn’t come back in yet. This was our best chance of some decent alone time. I didn’t know if Charlie was giving us alone time on purpose, but I kinda hoped she was. I looked back at him, grinning. ‘Hey, I promised you some private time. Want it now? We can go upstairs and leave Charlie to deal for a few hours on her own.’

‘We’d still have to be quiet.’

He’s such a killjoy sometimes. But he seemed happier with the suggestion. And like I wouldn’t think around that kind of problem.

‘So zap us somewhere.’ I leered at him, and he smiled for the first time since we went fake demon hunting, leaning closer to me like he was ready to just start going at it. He’s not the only one. ‘Maybe the same place you zapped the toys earlier?’

He nodded at me, and put a hand on my shoulder, before transporting us … into the bunker. Into my room. I laughed and grabbed the handcuffs from where they were lying on my bed.

‘Where should I cuff you?’

He gave me that intense look he does sometimes. Fuck, it turned me on.

‘Nowhere. I’m cuffing you.’

‘Yeah, good luck with that.’

He’s got a real fetish for tying me up, hasn’t he? He let that intense look linger for a while, and then next thing I knew, I was cuffed to the headboard and he was bearing down on me. Fuck, I wanted him.

‘You were saying, Dean?’

Yeah, he can dominate me whenever the hell he wants to. But I have to challenge him at least a little.

‘Okay, new rule. No angel powers in the bedroom.’

‘What if we sleep together anywhere else?’

Did that mean he was considering shower sex? Because I really want shower sex.

‘No angel powers when we’re having sex.’

He smirked at me, like I was being the innocent one, and then bent down to kiss me. God, I’ve been waiting like, all day for that. Nearly all day. Since Sam chewed me out for the morning. Cas tastes so good, he feels amazing, this is incredi- okay, I’m a total woman. He wasn’t done arguing his case for using his powers.

‘I could use my powers so we could keep going.’ He didn’t take his tongue out of my mouth to say that. And fuck, if that idea isn’t hot. Non-stop sex with Cas?

‘Like angel tantra?’

My voice caught horribly in my throat, but he just pressed closer.

‘I think I’m going to need it.’

He’s going to need his powers to keep going, or he’s going to need to fuck me for hours? Because both were okay by me. I laughed into his mouth, and started moving, trying to get the ball rolling. My jeans were already uncomfortable, my dick so hard for him already. He made that sexy groaning noise as he lowered himself onto me properly, and everything ramped up, the bed creaking a little with the force of my thrusts. We were going to break my bed before we even get naked, at that rate.

And then the cuffs released from around my wrists, and I pulled him closer, rolling him over and pounding into him, kissing his lips, his cheeks, his jaw, everything. All I could think about was being in him again, watching his reactions.

‘Dean … Dean … _Dean_ …’ He kept moaning, sounding almost pornographic. Which was pretty awesome, since we were only dry humping.

‘I know baby, I know.’ I whispered back. I didn’t want to dry hump any more, I wanted the real thing. I wanted to be covered in him. I started running a hand underneath his shirt, intending to rip it off, enjoying the feel of his muscles. I didn’t realise until I’d seen him naked, but Cas has a pretty solid body. I thought he’d just be like a nerdy, pale, skinny guy. But no, maybe angel mojo ramps up your body because he’s got a freaking washboard stomach.

‘I love you, Dean.’

I wished he wouldn’t say that when my brain’s on _fuck Cas now_ mode. Especially after Sammy was bitching me out earlier. But I couldn’t pretend I hadn’t heard him, and I really didn’t want to miss out on screwing him.

‘Mmmm, I know.’

He sighed like I’d pissed him off, and I tried to ignore it, to focus on him. He didn’t stop kissing me either, didn’t stop me from pulling open his shirt and scratching down his abs, didn’t stop me from working at the opening of his slacks. He helped me get my t-shirt off, and zapped off my jeans like he couldn’t be bothered with the buckle on my belt. I don’t even know what happened to our underwear, and I couldn’t care because I was that much closer to boning him.

We fell off the bed at one point, probably when our underpants came off, but it didn’t bother me, because Cas. His hands were everywhere, and I was so good to go, just from the feel of his fingers.

‘I don’t think I can wait to fuck you,’ I whispered, trying to work my way between his legs again.

‘I thought we were going to try and last out? Or use some of the things from Amsterdam?’

Jesus, how could he get even sexier? I scratched down his stomach again, harder this time, feeling him move with their progress. My knuckles grazed his dick, which was just as hard as mine, and a little wet, and … and … _fuck_.

‘I don’t think you can last that long either.’

Just to make a point of it, I started working down his neck, intending to give him the mother of all hickeys. I’ve tried before, but I’m pretty sure he just magics them away before Sam can ask stupid questions. I want them to last, I want to look at him in his normal clothes and see my branding there.

‘Please just try.’

Cas is kinky. Like, full on kinky. He wants to get through everything he bought, doesn’t he? I wanted to keep it simple. Mainly because my brain was just set to _fuckCasfuckCasfuckCas_.

‘Mmmm, would you suck my dick?’

He hesitated for a second, before dropping his voice.

‘You’re going to suck mine.’

I laughed. I think he was going for domineering.

‘Make me.’

He started wriggling along, trying to pin me in place while he lined himself up with my mouth, and I started trying to roll him over again, so I had the upper hand, aware at any second he could just decide to zap himself into me.

‘No angel powers.’ I reminded him. He looked back at me with darkened eyes.

‘You’re inconsistent with your rules about whether I can use my powers or not.’

‘When it benefits me, you can.’

I smiled at him and he smirked back. And then suddenly I had that leather thing on me, criss-crossing my body, and the cock ring in place.

‘Does this benefit you?’

I looked down at my body, at the way the leather cut in a little all round, at the little rubber ring around my junk, at Cas’ naked body inches from mine. And then I looked back at him, at those eyes that were screaming at me to screw him, at those huge lips that I needed around my dick right then, and started again trying to overpower him, to get into his mouth. He fought back just as hard, using the leather thing to pull himself along my body, his fingertips digging in where the leather already bit in, all of it turning me on even more. Okay, we’re definitely keeping the leather thing. Next time, he could wear it and I could use it to make him do whatever the fuck I want.

Somehow, we ended up laying opposite ways, both of us on our sides, and Cas had my head between his thighs. His dick was right in my face, and I could feel his breath on my balls.

‘There’s no winners here, are there?’ I joked, feeling his helmet brush against my mouth.

‘I think we’re both going to win.’ He sounded happier than he had all day. I guess he was right, we’re both going to get blown, but I had been talking about the wrestling. He grazed my balls with a finger, and I jerked towards him. And then he turned on the cock ring and my mind exploded.

‘You play dirty.’ I managed to groan. I could almost hear him smirk under the vibrations around my dick. He was going to suck my dick with that thing on, wasn’t he? So much for lasting out, I might not make it to his throat before I blow.

‘You love dirty.’ He whispered. No, Cas, I love y-

Shit. Now I was doing it. Erase that thought, concentrate on what’s going on. And what’s going on is a double blow. I licked along his dick, loving the way he bucked from the touch. He licked back, over my balls and towards my asshole. It turns out, there’s some really sensitive parts down there when your boyfriend is using his tongue.

‘Shit, Cas! Don’t make me blow before I’m even in your mouth.’

‘Did you like it?’

Fuck, did he have to ask that with that voice? Maybe he was using his mojo a little, because I’m pretty sure there’s no other way I could have lasted this long.

‘Way too much. Dude, we should get the lube. I bet you’ll taste like pie with that on your junk.’

The tube was suddenly in my hand. Okay, the benefits of having an angel boyfriend are that you don’t have to kill the buzz to go fetch things you need. I will not miss running across a room naked because I need to grab some condoms, and having to turn back to a naked stranger and restart everything.

I squeezed some stuff onto him, smearing it along him with my tongue. And God, he tasted just like cherry pie. Better. I could do this all day just for the taste of him. He started working my dick too, helped by the ring vibrating like crazy. It felt so damn good. We definitely needed to do this more often.

We lasted for ages, and then I think he lost the concentration needed to keep us going, because I felt something move, and heard him gagging a little as I groaned around his dick, and that made him come in my mouth. I grabbed hold of him and pumped him fully, because even his spunk tasted amazing. And when we were both done, we flopped onto the floor. My chest was heaving, and I could hear him panting, and the cock ring was still going off. I turned it off, and let my arms sink to the floor.

I don’t know what he was thinking as we calmed down, but I was thinking how good it all was, how happy I was that he ever asked me out. And maybe it was the awesome blow job talking, but I could feel it right then. At least, I thought I could. Not the blow job, although I could still feel him in my mouth and on my dick like he’d left a ghost of himself there. I mean the big one, the thing he keeps saying in the hope I’ll say it back. I think it’s there.

Geez, I need to man up. I cannot tell Cas I love him. Not after a week. And not when we’re having sex. But we were both calming down, and I needed to say something so he knew I was still go for everything. That I wasn’t ready to run back to the others.

‘You’re real good at that.’

I crawled along and collapsed back onto him, looking down at him and - yeah, I can’t hide it. He started running a finger along my cheek, just under my eye. It felt nice and gentle, and I couldn’t stop looking at him.

‘You okay Cas?’

‘Of course, I’m with you.’

Fuck, he’s adorable. I kissed his forehead.

‘Hey Cas? I’m real happy right now.’

‘Me too. I don’t want to go back to Becky’s house yet.’

‘We don’t have to. We’ll stay here for a while longer. I still want to be in you.’

I trailed my fingers down his chest again, kissing him again, and he started playing with my hair, his hands massaging my head.

‘Dean?’ he whispered, and I started kissing around his face again. ‘I’m confused about something.’

‘What, why I’m still wearing this stupid leather thing? It’s sticking in places I didn’t think I had.’

The leather thing disappeared, so I was totally naked on top of him. Not that it made much difference to the nakedness, but it felt better off. I started kissing him again and he moved his head so he could carry on talking.

‘No, when you were talking to Charlie, you said she was like a sister.’

‘Yeah.’ And how is that a problem?

‘But you’ve said we’re like family before-‘

I started laughing, though it wasn’t really funny. Is he going to be jealous of everyone I know, all the time? Why doesn’t he get that I’m committed too?

‘Babe, it’s not the same thing. Promise. Is that why she thinks you hate her?’

‘I don’t hate her.’

‘I know.’ I don’t know if I believe that. He’s probably taken her cock blocking personally. ‘Trust me, there’s no chance of anything between Charlie and me.’

He didn’t answer. Seriously, he’s doubting whether I’m fully in this? Because what, I didn’t say I love you to him yet? Because I give a damn about Charlie? Was Charlie the entire reason for the sulk that’s lasted throughout the day? I ramped up the kissing, hoping this was the time that he finally got it.

‘Babe, I want you, you know that. And I’m not Charlie’s type.’

‘Perfect isn’t Charlie’s type?’

Cas thinks I’m perfect?

‘I’m not perfect Cas, you know that. And Charlie’s into girls.’

‘So were you.’

Like Cas has never been with a girl before, in any way. He kissed Meg once. There was that Daphne chick he married, though I don’t think they got it on. So why was I getting the crap for having been with girls before? I pinned him down, my body flush against his.

‘It’s different. Stop being so insecure, okay?’

‘Sorry.’

‘Don’t be sorry, just,’ I left it off, kissing him instead, forcing my way into his mouth. He kissed back finally, writhing underneath me, and I knew that whatever else, he was at least confident I wanted his body, wanted the physical connection with him. I skimmed my hands down his sides, until I reached his knees, and then I pulled them up around me, trying to get between his legs. I groaned way too loudly when his dick brushed against mine, and went back to making the mother of all hickeys while I thrust against him. His fingers tightened in my hair, pulling at the strands, and it was kinda painful but mainly just so fucking hot.

‘Sex with you is my type.’

‘You’re my type.’

I smiled into his neck, and started moving my hands around his legs, listening as he groaned in pleasure, and feeling him thrash underneath me. And then he moved his hands, grabbing hold of himself and working himself. I could feel it as his fists moved.

‘Cas?’

‘I know what you said, Dean, but please, can we swap it around?’

Swap it around? I left his neck alone, and looked back into his eyes.

‘Do you mean you wanna claim my ass?’

He blushed, but didn’t look away. It was all on me. And I wanted to, I wanted that kind of trust between us, but there were too many echoes of the shit I had to do for money. I didn’t know if I could. But maybe if I tried, he’d stop with the jealous shit.

‘I don’t know, Cas.’

‘Let me try.’

I sighed, but let him work towards my butt. He was slow, and gentle, which was good because it was different to what I was used to, but bad because he was dragging it out. His eyes never left mine as he finally reached inside me, and I winced, trying to separate the memories from what was happening with him.

‘Did I hurt you?’ He whispered. I shook my head, closing my eyes, trying to hold on to the idea it was him doing it. ‘Should I carry on?’

I didn’t think I wanted any more, but I didn’t want to let him down. So I nodded, my hands clinging to his neck. He waited a second, and pushed his finger inside me, and I lost it. I couldn’t do it. I wracked my brain quickly for our safe word.

‘Guinea pig.’ I sounded like a scared little kid. Cas stopped moving completely.

‘Dean?’

‘I can’t do it, Cas.’

He didn’t argue at all, just took his hand away from my ass and let go of me completely, so I was curled up on his chest with no support. I didn’t want that, I still wanted a connection with him, I just couldn’t bottom for him.

‘Cas? I still want to … I just can’t … sorry.’

‘It’s okay Dean.’

He let me grip on to him for ages, until I started to loosen up, and let go. And finally I could touch him properly again, stroking back down to his thighs, hoping that somehow he understood.

‘Can we just do it how we did last time? Is that okay?’

He nodded, and passed me the lube, twisting his legs around mine as I started on his ass. He tilted my chin and made me look at him again. There was something in the idea of looking into his eyes while we fucked that seemed really … it was … he was going to know I loved him. I tried to make my fingers tell him that, and my eyes, and when he was ready, my dick.

I lasted as long as I could, longer than we’d managed so far, and there was something comforting in rocking against him, pounding into him, knowing he was mine. And when I came, I collapsed onto him, and he wrapped his arms around me, and it was kinda nice to just be there together, to measure time by his breathing, to not worry about whether it was manly to lay there with my dick in my boyfriend after sex. I wanted to tell him everything, but I didn’t want to associate all the shit with the moment we were in. It was like when we were laying on the couch, but naked, and no one there making snide comments.

We spent ages just laying quietly, his fingers tracing over my skin, until something began vibrating.

‘Is that the cock ring?’

‘No, you’re still wearing that.’

How did he remember stuff like that? How did I forget? Sam’s right my memory sucks. I stuck my hand down, to where our bodies connected, and felt the squishy device there. It was definitely off.

‘Oh yeah. Must be my cell.’

And I didn’t want to get up, to leave him, but the call or text message could have been important. I dragged myself away from Cas, kissing him quickly, and shuffled over to the bed. Guess I have to do the awkward naked walk anyway.

The message was from Sam. “I don’t know where you and Cas went. You left Charlie on her own. WTF Dean? Where are you? Some motel?”

I edited the message for Cas, just giving him the basics.

‘Sam’s back from his date, wants to know where we are. Guess the party’s over.’

I shut the phone and looked back at Cas, who was still sprawled naked on the floor. He was looking at me, so I didn’t feel bad for checking him out, at least for a minute. And then I had to snap back out of it.

‘Come on, we’ll clean up quickly, then go see what he wants.’

My money’s on, Sam wants to chew us out. And I’ll point out that we didn’t have noisy sex in Becky’s house, we found somewhere else, which Sam never said. Loophole.

Cas used his angel mojo to clean up my room, and us, and put our clothes back on. I gave him one last kiss as he zapped us back to Becky’s house, and led the way downstairs to where Sam was probably practicing his biggest bitchface yet. He was in the kitchen with Becky and Charlie, and two other chicks. The ones from the demon site? One was Meg, which explained a lot, but I didn’t recognise the other one. She looked like some asshole teacher who gave you a shit-ton of homework every night then told you it should be your biggest priority.

‘Meg?’ I sneered at the demon, who rolled her eyes back. The other woman was looking behind me where Castiel lingered. He spoke to her.

‘Hello Vibeke.’

Who in the hell is Vibeke?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So … do I go too far with this story? Because sometimes I feel like I do.


	14. Chapter 14

That Vibeke chick finally turned to look at me, like I was the scum at the bottom of her shoe. Meg smirked like she’d won something off me.

‘So I’m guessing you’re the two demons we’ve been tracing, huh?’

‘Don’t insult me,’ Vibeke commanded, and shook her hair back from her face. I folded my arms and stared her down.

‘Then what are you? And why the hell are you here?’

She looked behind me, at Cas.

‘Do you even communicate with your pet?’

‘I’m going to guess that even if they do talk, it’s basic stuff like pie, cars, blahblahblah. Dean’s very simplistic,’ Meg drawled. I looked at Sam, who shrugged back at me.

‘I don’t know man, they appeared just after I texted you.’

‘Vibeke is another angel.’ Cas spoke up. I glanced at him, but he was looking at his feet. ‘I would assume she’s been covering Meg’s tracks, which is why I couldn’t detect any demons.’

‘Very smart, Castiel. We’ve been looking for her,’ Meg lifted her chin at Becky. ‘She’s good at hiding her computer signal, it took a few tries.’

‘And why do you want me?’ Becky’s voice was shaking. I saw Sam put his arm around her, out of the corner of my eye.

‘We don’t, not really. We just thought you might have been a decent access point.’

‘Okay, one of you needs to actually explain what the hell, or I’m going to start ganking.’ I interrupted the vague comments. Meg and Vibeke traded an exasperated look.

‘I told you, Dean’s a complete Neanderthal.’

They turned to look at me, both of them sneering like I was a piece of trash. What the fuck have I done?

‘I’ve given Castiel time to discuss it with you, Dean. He clearly isn’t willing to talk, so I feel I must. We were trying to find the girl online who was discussing hunting, we assumed she would know you.’

‘And what was so important you had to try and play Chinese Whispers on a chance?’

Vibeke looked over my shoulder again.

‘You’re to end this.’

‘No, Vibeke. I told you how I felt then, it still stands. I’m sorry.’

‘And I’m sorry too, Castiel, my hands are tied. You know that.’ She cleared her throat and looked at me. ‘You must end this relationship with Castiel.’

‘And why would I want to do that?’ I shot back.

‘Because he knows he shouldn’t be with a human, he knows he’s done wrong, and he knows he’s meant to be with me!’

There was silence in the room for a moment. I was starting to feel pissed off. Did Sam even bother to check what the hell they wanted? Didn’t he just try and kill Meg from the second she stepped in? And what’s this crap about Cas is meant to be with this chick? Do angels even date? And why the hell wouldn’t he bring it up in the first place? Seems like it’s a big issue to me.

‘Yeah, now you just sound jealous, Vib,’ Meg drawled. She cocked an eyebrow at me. ‘Basically, Winchester, everyone knows about Cas screwing around with your memories, and there’s some crap about angels not being allowed to mate with humans. Oh, and Cas is betrothed to Vibeke, so she’s pissed about that. And I’m just here to watch your world fall apart.’

Cas is meant to marry this Vibeke chick? And he’s been screwing around with my memories? Like, actually screwing around with them, not just shit that Charlie’s saying? I couldn’t even look at him, I didn’t wanna have him avoid my eyes like he does if it’s true. I felt sick. I was going to be sick. We just slept together. I almost said the fucking L word. I was shaking all over, but trying not to show just how much the news was getting to me. How disgusted I was that I could still taste him. He’s not trying to shut them up, to tell them they’re wrong, he’s just taking it. He’s taking it because it’s fucking true. How can it be fucking true? Why’d he do it? I swallowed down some bile, and put on a poker face.

Meg was watching my face hungrily, trying to see how I’d react to what she had to say. Like I was going to give her the satisfaction. Like she gets to see me react. Fucking demon. I want her, and this Vibeke bitch out, I want them gone so I can yell at Cas like he fucking deserves. I just have to wait it out. I just have to lie, and pretend I don’t believe a word they’re saying, and then I’ll turn around, and try not to kill him.

‘Sorry to burst your bubble, babe, but that’s not going to happen.’

‘Even though Cas has been deleting your memories? Even then?’ Vibeke demanded.

‘He wouldn’t.’ I almost believed it when I said that.

‘Dean.’ Sam finally joined in. I knew he was warning me not to be an idiot, but he didn’t need to.

‘Leave it, Sam.’ I glared at the Meg and Vibeke. ‘You know what I see here? I see two chicks who’re after something they can’t have, and they’ll screw it up for anyone who’s getting in the way. So I’m sorry that you can’t have Cas, but he’s mine. Now, are you going to leave willingly, or am I going to have to make you? Because I’ve got an angel blade.’

‘You’ll lose your grace, Castiel. You’ll lose everything.’ Vibeke talked like I hadn’t spoken.

‘I think you should leave, Vibeke.’ He growled from behind me. She looked between us, her head turning back and forth, and then she grabbed Meg’s arm and glared at me.

‘This isn’t over.’

‘Think it is.’

They disappeared from sight, and there was silence in the room. I could feel him, just behind me, but I didn’t get the sense that his eyes were boring into me like normal. Because he’s guilty. I squeezed my hands into fists and just worked on not shaking in rage, or puking up everywhere. I can still feel his dick in my mouth, can still feel him pressed against me. I put everything - everything - aside for him, and this is how he repays me?

‘Are they definitely gone?’ Sam asked eventually.

‘Yes.’ Cas confirmed, and then he put a hand on my shoulder. I shrugged it off. ‘Dean-‘

I turned around and glowered at him. He took a step back, looking at his feet. I _knew_ it.

‘I wrote it off when Charlie said it,’ I snarled at him, somehow keeping everything down, and seeming calmer than I was. ‘But some random angel chick and Meg - _Meg_ \- say it too?’

He blinked back at me, looking so fucking innocent. Like he didn’t know. Like he didn’t get how I could be so fucking mad at him. Like he never did anything wrong.

‘How long’ve you been doing it?’

‘Dean, I-‘

‘How long have you been screwing with my head?’

He looked around at the others, as though they were going to help him. They were all smart enough not to get involved. I think Sam at least could tell that I was just getting started. I can’t even- it doesn’t- I can’t even think straight right now. I want to hit him, I want him to hurt. 

‘How long have you been erasing my memories, Cas? Do you know how fucking stupid that is?’

He went back to looking at his feet, and I forced my hands to stay at my sides. Still in fists, yeah, but at least I wasn’t taking a swing at him. Yet. It took a lot of effort to fight that urge, to give in to the shaking and the burning feeling in my stomach that made me want to be sick. I still couldn’t think straight, still couldn’t understand why he would ever do this to me.

‘Dean, it’s not-‘

‘Give them back.’

He stood there and stared at his feet. What’s his problem? Did something happen that he doesn’t want me to remember?

‘What, did I reject you or something? Is that what you’re making me forget?’

‘No, Dea-‘

‘It was rhetorical, Castiel.’ He reeled back. I knew using his full name would get to him. But that was fine, that was good, because I wanted to get to him, I wanted him to feel as pissed off as I felt. ‘They’re my fucking memories, you don’t get to pick which ones I keep. Why the fuck did you do it?’

He just looked at his feet. Like a fucking child.

‘You can answer that one, douchebag.’

‘Dean-‘ He shrugged, and held his hands out.

‘No, you know what, Castiel? You’re going to give them back. You’re going to put them back in my head and then you’re going to kiss my ass.’

‘Dean, please-‘

‘GIVE ME MY FUCKING MEMORIES BACK!’

He stepped closer to me slowly, and reached up for my face. I slapped his hand away.

‘Don’t fucking touch me!’

‘It’s the only way I can lift the block, Dean.’

He stood as close as he dared to, closer than I wanted right then, and put both his hands on my temples.

‘Close your eyes.’

‘Like hell I will.’

‘I don’t want you overwhelmed.’

Was he fucking kidding me? He still wouldn’t look me in the eye.

‘No funny shit.’

He sighed, and nodded.

‘I understand, Dean. But please close your eyes.’

‘Sam? If he tries anything …’

I looked around for my brother, but at some point he’d left the room with the girls. Did he think I’d want privacy with Castiel for this? I sighed, and closed my eyes against every fibre of my being screaming that it wasn’t a good idea. That Cas wasn’t to be trusted with this. But what other option did I have? It took a moment, before I was suddenly flooded with images, all of them flashing quickly in my head, before he let go of my face, and I could sense it as he took a step back. I tried to think of what I’d just seen, of kissing him in the Impala outside of the paintball place, of that look he gave me in the cafe, of his jealousy in the bar, all the stops and starts we’d had. Of him kissing Meg at a carnival while I was holding some lurid pink stuffed toy, and a candlelit motel room where we were making out.

‘Did you see everything?’ I asked him after a minute. I sounded calmer, though I felt anything but. He kissed Meg. I’m pretty sure we were on a date at the time. And then the next day he kind-of apologised, but he still spun it so he wasn’t a total dick. Was that the kind of shit he was trying to hide from me? My stomach was churning harder. He cheated on me. He’s the one telling me he loves me constantly, and he’s the one who cheated, and I’m the one who gets fucking hurt. I don’t think I could even look at him any more.

‘I could see all the images, yes, but I couldn’t hear your thoughts about anything.’

‘And you put back every memory? Every single one?’

‘Yes. Our first date was at the paintball. I only erased about a week.’

‘Good to know.’

‘Dean, I’m sor-‘

‘Don’t you dare,’ I opened my eyes, glaring at him. ‘Don’t you fucking dare say you’re sorry. You did it on purpose, Cas. I can’t even … I’m going for a drive. Alone. Don’t follow me. If I find out you’ve been in the back, invisible, watching me the whole time …’

‘I won’t.’

‘You’d better actually mean it this time.’ I headed towards the door again, and paused in the doorway. ‘If it wasn’t obvious, Castiel, we’re done.’

And then I walked out and slammed Becky’s front door, stomping over to the Impala. I revved the engine and pulled out onto the road quickly, hearing the tyres squealing, before I headed off, and tried to think through the burning rage. All those times Sam was trying to say how worried he was, every time I acted like an asshole about it, and Cas did nothing? Was he ever going to confess to it, or did he just luck out and get caught? Why the fuck did he do it in the first place? The only time I ever wanted to end it was when he kissed Meg. And when did he decide to stop? Why did he decide to stop? I wracked my brain for something I could’ve said that would’ve changed his mind.  
The only thing I could think of was when he “saved my memories” that time. Maybe the idea of not having me at all scared him, and I found out what he was up to before he could get comfortable and go back to zapping everything away.

I felt sick. I felt fucking sick. I trusted him so much, and he let me down. Did I even want to fuck him? Or did he put that in my head too? How much of the whole thing was real? God, I wanted to tell him I loved him. He really did a number on me.

I stayed in the car for hours, dwelling on everything, going between hating Cas and being disgusted at myself, and stopped in a diner around five in the morning. I ordered a huge plate of food, and a gallon of coffee, and checked my cell. Sam had left a couple of messages, and I felt like a shitty brother. I called him back while I waited for my food, and he picked up after the second ring.

‘Hey Dean, are you okay?’

‘What do you think?’

‘I’m sorry. I knew something was going on with your head, but I never thought Cas would be the one … I should’ve realised. I kept telling him, hoping he would give a crap and he acted like I was over-reacting.’

‘Don’t apologise, Sam. I’m not holding it against you.’

‘Where are you?’

‘In a diner, grabbing some breakfast.’

‘Have you been driving all night?’

‘Pretty much.’

There was silence on the line for a while.

‘Becky said he could stay for a couple of days, if he needed it. He hung around for a while, I think he was hoping you would come back.’

‘Where’s he now?’ The waitress put my food down in front of me, and I gave her a thumbs up before she walked away, then grabbed a piece of bacon and started chewing on it.

‘I don’t know. You could pray if you needed him-‘

‘I don’t want to see him.’

‘Okay. Are you coming back?’

‘No. I’m going back to the bunker. Is that cool?’

‘Yeah, I’ll make sure Becky and Charlie are okay and then I’ll come find you.’

‘Hey, I never asked how your date was.’

‘You really wanna hear it?’

‘Sure, why not?’

‘Well, it was good. We talked over dinner about her work, and things she was into outside of Chuck’s books. Did you know she had a magic phase too? And she was a mathlete?’

‘I’m not surprised.’

‘Well, anyway, it was nice to find out we had stuff in common. We went for a walk after dinner and ended up on one of those pedalo things on a lake in the local park. It was fun.’

I could picture that so clearly, but I could picture it with Cas and me. It ached, and I forced myself to make a joke, to try and block the image from my head.

‘Did that even work? I mean, you’re ten feet taller than her, didn’t you just pedal around in circles?’

‘Ha, funny, Dean. No, it was a good date. I think we might have something this time around. I hope she’s not made another demon deal or drugged me again.’

‘Well, you’re not talking as much crap as you were last time. If that helps.’

‘It does. Stay safe, Dean.’

‘You know me.’

‘Way too well.’

I shut off the phone and stabbed a fork into my eggs. But when I put them in my mouth they were way too salty, and rubbery, and slippery. Gross. And my coffee was weak, the sausage was tasteless, the hash was burnt, I left most of it and dumped some cash on the table, leaving before the waitress could see how little I’d eaten.

I wasn’t far from the bunker. I figured we still had some groceries, and if not, we definitely had some bourbon. I’d get home, eat, get loaded, and sleep it off. I cranked up the radio as I left the diner, sinking into the loud bass, the raging guitars, the songs that promised to help fuel my anger without forcing me into a depression.  
It worked, at least until I pulled into the garage and shut off the engine. I could see the tyre marks from where I’d screeched in after our movie date, eager to screw him. What was I thinking? What the hell did he do to me?

_I still want him._

I took a deep breath, and climbed out the car, heading into the kitchen and cutting out the food, just going for the bourbon. I drank it straight from the bottle, sinking half of it without stopping. And then I took it into my room, where I’d just been last night. It still smelt faintly of sex, of him, of _us_ … I sucked down more of the bourbon, and then crashed onto my bed. I felt exhausted from the night’s drive, from the information overload that came with getting my memories back, from finding out Cas wasn’t the guy I thought he was.

I closed my eyes, hoping to sleep, but instead I relived a date, like they were all swimming around just waiting for me to relax my guard. This one was early on, our second date, where Cas kept looking at me getting ready, or eating breakfast, and we ended up driving into the middle of nowhere and making out. I could practically feel him in my arms as I relived it, could almost taste him through the alcohol. I squeezed my pillow hard, trying to ride the memory out, but it didn’t stop, not through buying each other clothes, or going to a bar, or Cas freaking out because some bar skank wanted to flirt her way to a free beer.

I forced my eyes open. Even then I had wanted to be with him for longer, to rewrite the whole day. Not like he did, but be like, _okay, this date didn’t work, let’s do another one instead_. Why didn’t he just talk to me if he was unhappy? We were in a relationship, we were meant to be equal.

I needed a distraction. I put on the TV, flicking through the channels until I got to Dr Sexy, MD. He would never wipe his girlfriend’s memories because he didn’t like someone else looking at them or whatever. He’d just rock his cowboy boots and be even sexier. His girls wouldn’t give a shit about another guy, not when he was around.  
I sounded like a total tool, even in my head. I needed more alcohol, and I needed to get the fuck over Cas. How the hell was I going to do that?


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And I can't remember falling in love with you. This is agony, do you know you're putting me through this misery? Taking every memory. Just tell my why this misery won't go away. Can we carry on this way?" - Nothing, Mcfly.

I didn’t sleep at all. I kept trying to, but every time I shut my eyes, I relived yet another date. And every time that happened, I got more and more confused.

Did I really love Cas? Like, I felt it, but was that coming from me, really? Or did he keep the moment he made those feelings happen? Did he angel mojo me into wanting him back?

I couldn’t tell when it even happened. Even looking back at all our time together. One moment we’re playing paintball and he’s acting all awkward when I try and flirt, and the next I’m trying to kiss him in the car. What was it I was thinking at the time again? That it was like my mom kissing my dad goodbye when I was a kid. Why did I even … and the next day, when he watched me get ready and I just dropped my towel, giving him everything he wanted. Fuck, what was _wrong_ with me? Why didn’t I question it all at the time?

Or when he first looked at me like he wanted to fuck me, and I was just okay with it? Had it really been that long since I’d gotten laid that I was just like, yep, you can fuck me, Cas. No questions asked? Or was it just him? Was it angel magic?

I got a headache trying to work it all out, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Thinking about other moments, moments that should have been good, signs we were connecting, but now they left a bad taste in my mouth. I could just hear the things we were saying to each other, over and over.

_… ‘Don’t think I can’t tell you’re picturing us having sex, Cas.’_  
‘I wasn’t.’  
‘Sure you weren’t. You keep trying to have eye sex with me.’  
‘Dean-‘ … 

_… ‘Are you alright, man? You don’t seem like you, much.’_  
‘I’m just … glad, that you agreed to a date.’  
‘It’s pancakes and a mini road trip, Cas, it’s not a ring on my finger. Come on.’ … 

_…‘Can I ask you something?’_  
‘Of course Dean, you can ask me anything.’  
‘And you’ll be completely honest?’  
‘Why would I lie to you?’ … 

Every single time I replayed that bit, I started crying like a loser. I couldn’t stop fucking crying.

_… ‘So, I guess us dating, that doesn’t make us gay, does it? If anything, it’s beastiality.’_  
‘I choose not to think of it that way, Dean.’  
‘How are you thinking about it?’  
‘That you have a beautiful soul, and I’m fortunate to have met you.’ … 

_… ‘Thank you.’_  
‘Sure.’  
‘I meant, for agreeing to give us a try, for saying you’ll be patient with me, for everything.’  
‘Yeah, well. Hey, you wanna go do something? I mean, we haven’t even had a date yet.’  
‘I’m happy here right now, Dean. Just sitting here with you.’ … 

Jesus, I could not stop crying.

_… ‘Is this what you wanted, Cas? When you asked me out?’_  
‘What do you mean?’  
‘This, you and me, in our own little world. Is it what you wanted?’  
‘I don’t know, Dean. I just wanted you.’  
‘I prefer this, you know. Just us.’ … 

I need to man the hell up, but it’s totally out of my control now. I can feel everything, every touch, every kiss, the drop in my stomach whenever I saw him. My only choice is to ride it out until it doesn’t cut so deep when I picture it all.

_… ‘Why me? Why when you’ve always been promiscuous with women?’_  
‘I don’t know, Cas. Because I’d do anything for you?’  
‘I’d do anything for you too, Dean.’ … 

Yeah, like hell it’s ever going to stop hurting. Especially when I know I meant that. I would do anything for him, even now, even when it feels like he’s ripped me apart. This is the fucking worst thing about falling in love with someone who lets you down.

I know he meant what he said too. He would do anything to have me, because he did all this. What wouldn’t he do? Would he kill Sam? He made things pretty tense between us, and he didn’t seem to give a shit that my brother and I were arguing. Because of him.

I reached under the bed for the mini-fridge, and pulled out a beer. Maybe if I got myself so fucking drunk I couldn’t function, then I wouldn’t be stuck with the greatest hits of Cas’ lies.

_… ‘I feel complete in a very strange way, being like this with you. I mean, I never noticed anything missing, exactly, and then we bonded and I felt this ache all the time, and now I know I was just waiting to connect like this with you. It’s like we’re soulmates, although I don’t have a soul, obviously. Could a soul and a grace be separated, somehow? I think ours were …’ …_

Beer wasn’t going to be enough. Hell, even the whiskey I have hidden in my underwear drawer might not be enough. But I wasn’t going to find out without at least trying.

*

I didn’t store nearly enough whiskey in my underwear drawer, or beer in the mini-fridge. I mean, I got drunk, but I got stupid with it, that stage when everything you do you think is a great idea? At least, I think that’s how I ended up with my phone pressed to my ear, ringing. I got through to a generic answer phone, but I knew it was Cas’ number.

‘Are you happy, you son of a fucking bitch? Are you happy with what you’ve done? Did you even give a shit, Cas? Huh, did you? Where’d you go? Sam said you left. You don’t get to leave. I hope you’re sitting there, as miserable as I am, wishing you could have me back. Knowing that you can’t because you fucked up.’

‘… Please leave your message after the tone.’

Oh shit, I didn’t even wait for that bit. I threw my phone across the room as I dropped back onto the bed, and my door opened.

‘Hey,’ Sam walked straight in, sitting next to me on top of my covers. ‘You look like crap.’

I growled, and rolled underneath the blankets again.

‘I brought the girls with me. I figured it was probably best, if Meg was still hanging around.’

‘She’s probably not.’ I sounded muffled by my bedding.

‘Well, we don’t know for sure-‘

‘She’s probably with Cas right now.’

Sam didn’t answer right away, even though I knew he was desperate to ask why I would be so confident about that.

‘You wanna talk about him?’

‘No.’

‘You gonna come out and talk to the girls?’

‘No.’

He patted what he thought was my back, but was actually my butt, through the covers.

‘It hurts now Dean, but give it a week, and you’ll remember why you fell in love with him.’

‘All I can do is remember right now.’

He patted my butt again, and stood up.

‘Okay, well, Becky’s cooking dinner. Can you please try and surface for that?’

I shrugged, and I heard him sigh before he left the room. Like I was being difficult. But I wished he hadn’t left me alone, because then I got suckered back into thinking about Cas.

*

_I was sitting on the couch in the TV room, a bowl of chips on my lap, a six-pack of beer in front of me, watching a couple of dudes sitting at a desk talking about the football game that was about to start. I got stuck into the chips just as the cameras showed the teams running out onto the field, getting ready for the game. I grabbed a beer and started sinking that as the door creaked open, and Cas walked in. I didn’t even look at him, I just knew. I knew by the way my stomach exploded and my dick stood to attention. I knew by the way he crossed the room and sat beside me. I passed him the beer I’d started, and put the chips between us, grabbing another bottle, and settling back into his arms._

_‘So, who’re we cheering for?’ He purred in my ear, nuzzling against my hair. I reached around and kissed him, liking the way he tasted of beer, and the way he stroked along my face. Cas didn’t care about football, but he was watching it anyway. For me._

_‘Anyone but the Dolphins,’ I said against his lips. His lips drive me crazy, they’re so soft, and they look dry and chapped but they’re not. They’re not wet either, they’re just … perfect. He kissed back for a moment, then held me away, pressing a hand to my chest._

_‘Watch the game. We can have fun later.’_

_‘Mmmmm, give me a good half-time show.’_

_He smiled, and sat back against the sofa, eyes on the screen as he drank from his beer. Fuck, he looks so good, drinking from the bottle like that._

_‘Dean, kick-off.’ He pointed the neck of the bottle to the screen, and I turned back slowly, eyes refocusing on the game as I leaned into him. He laughed quietly, winding his arms around me, moving the chips out of reach so we could sit closer together. I held my beer with one hand, and let the other work over his thigh, tracing along as we watched the teams fight it our across the yard lines. I could feel his mouth just by my ear, could feel his arms squeeze me slightly every few moments, and I lost all my concentration. How could I watch a football game when the being I love was right there? I turned my head to look at him again, and watched as he furrowed his brow at the television. Or at least, I watched until he noticed me watching, and then he frowned at me._

_‘I take it the Dolphins are doing better than we want?’_

_‘Who the hell cares?’ I pressed my mouth against his, twisting around to get to him. He pulled me closer, sliding his tongue into my mouth, moving it against mine in a way that was so familiar, but so needed. I shifted on the couch, turning around to give him my full attention, straddling him as I pressed hard against him._

_‘I thought we were waiting until half-time?’ he asked as I started working down his neck._

_‘Mmmm, we were,’ I mumbled._

_‘But?’_

_‘But then I thought that I’d rather fuck you.’_

_I could tell he was smiling at that, as I worked on the mother of all hickeys. He’s going to have to wear a turtleneck by the time I’m done._

_‘Who said we were going to fuck?’ He asked me out of nowhere. I nipped his neck as a reply. I hope he got that it meant “screw you, Cas, we’re doing it.” And then I thrust into him, knowing he could feel me digging in. ‘Seriously, Dean, watch the game. I’m not going to have sex with you, not while it’s going on.’_

_‘Don’t pretend like you have any willpower with me,’ I taunted him, sucking harder than ever on my favourite spot on his neck._

_‘Well, you certainly don’t.’_

_I started trying to work his belt off, so I could get my hands in his pants. He grabbed my wrists._

_‘Dean, seriously. We can have sex any time, but you’ve been talking about watching this game for days. So watch.’_

_‘Are you actually telling me no?’_

_Cas sighed._

_‘Oh, Dean.’_

_‘Cas.’_

_‘Dean.’_

_‘Cas.’_

_‘DEAN!’_

I woke up with a start. Crap, so I’m still dreaming about fucking the guy? Or trying to, anyway. I can’t even escape him in my damn dreams. I rubbed a hand over my face, trying to get the whole thing out of my head, trying to shake some of this feeling off, and I realised that someone had been calling me while I slept, and they were talking at me now.

‘ … spaghetti. Do you even remember having spaghetti? I think Dad gave us some when I was like, five, and he got pissed off that we slopped sauce over his journal when we were sucking up the strands. He yelled for ages, right? So, you coming?’

I couldn’t give less of a shit about eating spaghetti right then, but I knew Sam would not shut up about going to eat unless I crawled out of bed.

‘Fine, yes, I’m coming.’ I groaned, and started trying to move out of bed, realising that I was hard. Had Sam even noticed?

‘So, you called me Cas, guess you’re still thinking about him.’

‘Uh-uh, we’re not talking about him.’ I turned away from him as I got out of bed, and tried to think of anything that would make me calm down. Like visiting some old lady who can’t keep her story straight about a case. Anything but that angel.

‘You have to some time, Dean. It might help.’

I ignored that, and headed for the bedroom door, overtaking him.

‘Uh-huh, whatever. I’m going to the bathroom, and then I’ll be there, okay?’

‘Okay. Want a beer?’

I thought about the way Cas tasted in my dream, of him coated in that tang of a good beer. I can’t do it, I can’t drink it. Even though it was only in my dream, it felt so real and I knew that if I had one, it’d just taste of Cas.

‘No, it’s fine.’

And then I walked away to work off my frustration.


	16. Chapter 16

It’s so fucking weird to be in a room full of people you know and feel so damn lonely. I’ve been trying to avoid Sam, Becky and Charlie since they came to the bunker because I can’t escape that feeling.

Especially because Sam and Becky are getting on so good. They’re kind of nerdy-awkward with each other, they keep giving each other these meaningful looks for the dumbest things like when he passes her a cookie, or she finds some reference in a book he wanted, and it’s just … were Cas and me like that? It feels like how I remember Cas, those private moments in front of everyone else where we were on another level. I can’t watch it. I can’t deal.

I’ve been dwelling on everything with Castiel in the last couple days. Like, trying to work out whether I felt something because it happened that way or because he angel-mojoed me. Trying to see if any of it was worthwhile. All I could really take from it, from the days of repetition, is that Cas spent most of his time moody. I don’t really get it, I mean, he had everything he wanted, he had me on a plate, and he still sulked the entire fucking time. What the hell was his problem? The only times he wasn’t sulking like a child was when we were making out, or fucking.

‘Dean, want some ketchup?’

I shook my head and came out of my thoughts, and pretended to eat a fry. The only thing that I guess is worse than Sam and Becky’s dork flirting is Charlie. I mean, the girl’s one of my best friends, but she keeps trying to include me in stuff. I get she doesn’t want to be Sam and Becky’s third wheel, but she doesn’t get that I just want to lay in bed and mope. Or maybe she does, and she’s decided Cas isn’t worth all the heartache. I don’t know. I just kinda wish she’d go find someone else to bug.

‘Hey, Dean, guess what? Becky made pie, just for you.’ Sam grinned at me, and I tried not to puke. I’m having trouble eating anything that reminds me of Cas, but pie’s the big one. They think they’re being nice, but they’re really not. I could smell it baking as he mentioned it, and it smelled just like I expected. It used to smell of flaky pastry, sweet syrup and cherries, and now? It smells of Cas. It smells of his junk.

‘I don’t want any.’

‘What?’ Sam laughed. ‘Of course you do. It’s pie.’

‘I really don’t, Sam.’

He laughed again.

‘You can’t have all of it, okay?’

I get that he’s happy because things are going okay with Becky - which still totally freaks me out - but I really wish he’d pay attention to how much it sucks to be without Cas. I wish he’d get that if I’m saying I don’t want any pie then I don’t want any fucking pie.

‘Yeah, save me some,’ Charlie giggled and nudged me in the ribs with her sharp little elbow.

‘I don’t want any.’

‘Dean,’ Sam’s tone pissed me off. I snapped, pissed off that none of them would listen to me.

‘It’ll taste like dick. So no thanks.’

I stood up, leaving my uneaten burger and fries and storming back into my bedroom, crawling under the covers and burying my head under the pillow. I can’t even drink any more. I don’t see the point even if I could, it doesn’t numb the pain, it doesn’t make me forget, it just makes me drunk and pathetic. I could hear it when Sam stomped into the room, standing at the foot of my bed.

‘Really Dean? It’ll taste like dick? Way to make Becky feel good about trying to reach out to you.’

‘I said I didn’t want any. Did no one actually understand that?’

‘So you have to insult her?’

I sighed.

‘I wasn’t really thinking about Becky’s feelings.’

‘You said her baking would taste like crap!’

‘Not what I said, Sam.’

‘You said-‘

‘Do I have to spell it out?’ I ducked my head back out of the pillow, wincing as the light hit my eyes and I squinted up at him. He shrugged at me. ‘Literally, Sam. Literally.’

He frowned as he mouthed something, and I could see him working out what I was basically telling him. He tilted his head as he made it all make sense, and then shook it, his hair falling into his eyes, and he pushed it out.

‘So what, you don’t like cherry pie? She could make another one if you want? I didn’t think the filling mattered too much though.’

Did he skip over what I was telling him? I flopped back onto my pillow, feeling defeated. Which I guess is something, because mostly I’ve been feeling numb.

‘Whatever Sam. Just leave me alone.’

‘Can you at least apologise to her?’

‘Sure. Whatever.’

He hesitated for a second, and I realised he wanted me to get out of bed just as he left the room. Not that I would’ve moved out of my bed.

It still smells a little bit of Cas, of ozone and something sweet I can’t put my finger on. I can’t tell if I’m clinging to it or if I’m trying to punish myself with it. Same with all my thoughts about the past couple of weeks, I can’t tell if I’m trying to keep him in my head because I’m not really ready to let him go, or because I hate myself so why not punish myself over him? My door clicked open and shut again, and I looked up to see Becky standing there, looking nervous. Great, Sam sent her to me.

She hovered by the doorway for ages, looking at me like I’d trapped her in the room or something.

‘Um, hi Dean,’ she finally squeaked. I really wanted to roll my eyes and bury myself back in the bed, but I couldn’t deal with Sam on top of everything.

‘Hey Becky.’

‘Sam said you wanted to talk to me?’

‘Oh, uh, yeah. Sorry about the pie thing.’

She crossed the room and crouched by the bed, in my line of vision.

‘It’s okay. I mean, at first I thought you were being mean and then I realised it was probably something to do with … I mean, you miss him, don’t you?’

‘We’re not having this conversation.’

‘I talked to him. When you drove away from my house. I think he’s sorry.’

‘So sorry that he left?’

Becky reached over and smoothed her hand over my face.

‘You needed time to think, maybe he did too?’

‘He had plenty of time to think, every time he wiped my damn memory.’

She stopped touching me, and her shoulders drooped.

‘Dean-‘

‘I don’t want to talk about it.’

She nodded.

‘Right.’ She started getting up, and leaving the room, only to turn around at the doorway. ‘You know, Dean, you can not want to talk about it as much as you want, but it’s pretty obvious to me that you still love him. And I know he loves you, and he just made some dumb choices. So don’t completely write him off, okay? Give him a second chance. Because what you had was worth it.’

I buried my head under the pillow rather than respond to that. She didn’t say anything else, so I hope she actually took the damn hint. The silence stretched on, until someone fell onto me. I forced myself not to grab the knife under the other pillow and stab.

‘Dean, you can’t spend all your time in bed,’ Charlie sang into my ear.

‘Go away, Charlie.’

‘Nope, I’m sick of you moping, and being boring. You’re coming out with me, because dude, your room smells like ass. You at least need some fresh air. So get up, get dressed, stop talking about dick-pie and come out with me.’

She started tugging at my arm like she could even begin to make me move, and I groaned. I don’t want to leave my bed.

‘Look, Dean, you can come with me willingly or you can complain about it like a total tool, but one way or another, you’re leaving this building for a few hours. Okay?’  
I’m not a fan of Charlie doing tough love.

*

Somehow, Charlie managed to get me into some club, where she left me by the bar while she went to dance. I spent my time waiting for the bar guy watching her as she approached some girl, smiling and chattering, and got them to dance with her, completely unaware that they were her target. She made it look so easy. Hell, it used to be that easy, going up to girls, saying something about how hot they looked, buying them a drink, dancing a little and then going back to their place.

And now? I’m looking around this bar and not seeing anyone. I mean, I see the crowds, I see the pretty faces and the hot bodies … and nothing. All I can think of is a dorky smile and full lips.

I ordered a tonne of shots when the bar guy finally got to me, and sank them slowly, trying to suppress the memories again. I can still see him smiling at me across the bed, or the way he looked when he sat on my lap that time in that motel room, the way he watched me grab at him before we went to the pictures …

This isn’t good. Charlie might think she’s doing me a favour by dragging me out of my room, but all she’s doing is putting me in another place where I can dwell on him.

‘Hey there, cutie.’ A voice penetrated my thoughts, as someone slipped an arm around my shoulders. I sighed, and took another shot. ‘I’ve been trying to figure out for a while why someone as hot as you would be sitting up at the bar, all alone. And then I realised, you were waiting for me.’

I looked at the girl who was talking. In another lifetime, she’d be my type; long curly blonde hair, big blue eyes, nice body. But now?

‘Not so much.’

‘Oh, come on, you’re so playing hard to get.’

I took another shot as I thought about another bar, another girl trying to get my attention. How he got so jealous and took off-

‘-Buy me a drink?’

What is with this chick?

‘Not interested.’

‘What are you, gay?’

She flounced off, and I took another shot. It’s not going to get to me.

‘Wow, some people.’

Another girl, further down the bar, was looking at me and shaking her head.

‘Sorry, I couldn’t help watching that. I mean, you’re clearly upset over something and she just hits on you? So what happened?’

‘My friend forced me to come out.’ I nodded at the dance floor, where Charlie was grinding against another girl, whose hands were lost in her hair. Charlie’s definitely scored tonight. The girl scooted closer.

‘Yeah, my friends did too. My bunny died last week and they think I’m crazy for being upset about it. But my bunny was like my kid, you know?’

I didn’t know, but I nodded anyway.

‘So what’s your story?’ She sucked on the straw of her drink, which stank of something really fruity.

‘My story?’

‘Yeah, why are you sitting in a bar, looking like your mom died?’

I looked away from her.

‘My mom died when I was a kid.’

‘Oh, I’m sor-‘

‘It’s fine.’ I cut her off. I didn’t want to go into the stuff about my mom. ‘Just going through a break up.’

‘That sucks.’

‘Mmmmm.’

‘You miss her?’

I can’t go into everything with this chick. I grabbed the last shot and downed it.

‘Who broke it off?’

‘I did. Cas lied about some big stuff, and cheated.’

‘But getting over her is hard, right?’ I nodded. ‘Well, who says you have to? Why not mooch and get over her the way that makes sense for you?’

‘I don’t think I even want to do that.’ I admitted. ‘We were best friends before, I can’t really … all I can think about is us, you know?’

‘So maybe you need to talk to her and straighten things out? Maybe you’re not ready to let it go.’

She sounds just like Becky. She stood up, and touched my shoulder gently.

‘At least she’s still around, right? You can still have a second chance.’

‘Yeah, I guess. And um, sorry about your rabbit.’

She gave me a small smile, and walked away, as Charlie came up to me, two girls in tow.

‘Come on Winchester, we’re partying back at their place,’ she nodded to the girls, slipping her arm around one of their waists.

‘You are. I’m going home, and then I’m calling Cas.’

I slid off the bar seat and walked out, knowing I was doing the right thing. I mean, if two people are saying get back with him, and I can’t stop thinking about him, it makes sense, right? I was trying to ignore the fact that one of those people was Becky. I knew Charlie was going to be pissed about my decision but we’d make it up. And she gets an extra girl out of it, so I’m sure she’ll thank me anyway.

I drove back home, my head full of moments with Cas in the car, of making out and the sexual tension, and him deciding to blow me while Sam was asleep in the back. I want him back, but I want some things to change too. We just need to talk.

I pulled up in the garage, and walked through the bunker, which was silent. I peeked in Sam’s room, where he was cuddled up with Becky in bed, both of them asleep, both wearing pyjamas that almost matched. But this time, I didn’t feel like I had to look away. Sam looked happy, curled around Becky, his cheek was pushed against her forehead like he fell asleep kissing her goodnight. Who’d have thought Becky would make him happy? I closed the door on them quietly and shuffled along to my own room, sinking on my bed and looking up.

‘Cas? Cas, it’s me. Look I think we need to talk. Can you come?’

I waited for a moment, looking around. No sign of him. Since when did he ignore my prayers?

‘Cas, it’s Dean. I just … I think … can we talk about it, Cas?’

Still nothing. I slumped back on my bed, still smelling the ozone-and-sweet-something that clung to the bedsheets.

‘I love you too, Cas.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I did on ff.net, I want to dedicate this chapter to Emily, who got kicked out of ChiCon the past weekend. From what I've heard of what happened through my SPN friends, it was basically because she ships Destiel. That's so not okay. IStandWithEmily.


	17. Chapter 17

I fell asleep, waiting for Cas. He never showed. I woke up in the morning expecting him to be there, curled up into my chest or something, and nothing. I get that he’s hurting as much as I am, and he’s probably pissed that I yelled at him and broke up with him, but if I’m saying I wanna talk, doesn’t he get that I want to get back together?

I can’t sit around waiting for him. I mean, I’m not waiting for him to show up. When he’s ready to zap himself here then we’ll deal, but in the mean time, I need a distraction. I’m driving myself crazy.

I shuffled down the hall into the kitchen, where Becky’s at the stove, cooking, and Sam’s flipping through a paper. It’s like walking in on some apple pie family, I’m expecting one of their kids to pop up from behind the cereal box or something. I sat down, feeling like a stranger in my own kitchen, and Sam looked at me with obvious surprise. I guess he didn’t expect me to get out of bed without him prodding me.

‘Hey.’

‘Hi.’

‘Morning Dean,’ Becky interrupted, her voice sounding like it used to, like she was keeping her excitement down. She was smiling way too hard for first thing in the morning. ‘I’m doing French Toast, did you want some?’

‘Uh, yeah, sure Becky. That’d be great.’

I ignored Sam’s raised eyebrows. I knew he was thinking of pie-gate.

‘I’ve got coffee and orange juice too.’

‘Orange juice. Please.’

She poured me a glass and brought it over, before going back to the French Toast.

‘Okay, Becky can stay,’ I grabbed my glass, drinking out of it so I didn’t have to look at Sam.

‘She was staying anyway.’

‘Oh, please don’t do the brother thing, not now. Here you go,’ she slid a plate in front of Sam, and he reached over to kiss her cheek. I looked down into my orange juice so I didn’t have to see them being all loved up, and wondered what exactly she meant by “brother thing”. She carried on chattering away. ‘Dean, yours won’t be long. Extra powdered sugar, right?’

I nodded, and put the glass down, and pointed at Sam’s paper.

‘Anything in there?’

‘You wanna work a case?’

‘Yeah. It’ll be good you know, concentrate on other things. So what’ve we got?’

‘Not much. It’s mainly the economy, the Middle East, and jilted lovers.’

Crap.

‘So Becky and me were thinking about going ice skating, are you in?’

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be alone, missing Cas. I don’t want to be their third wheel, missing Cas. I don’t want to go find Charlie and hear about how good last night was and how I should move on from Cas. I rubbed my forehead as Becky put my French Toast in front of me.

‘Uh, yeah, sure. I’m in.’

Becky squeezed my shoulder, and went to make her own meal, and I tried to squash the thought that bubbled up, but it ricocheted around my head anyway. Cas would love ice skating. I want him around to come skate with us.

‘So what happened to Charlie last night?’

‘She met a girl. Two, I think. She wanted to go home with them.’

Sam nodded, as Becky sat between us, looking back and forth before stabbing at her breakfast.

‘Did you bring someone home?’ Sam asked, like he was worried about the answer. I made sure I didn’t look at Becky.

‘No. Charlie was trying to set me up with one of her girls.’

There was no reaction. I cleared my throat, knowing what they were both waiting for.

‘There’s no point. She might as well have all the fun.’

I shoved a huge piece of toast in my mouth, and I could hear Sam trying to think through the entire situation.

‘You’re right, it was probably too early for you to go play the field again.’

‘Not going to be doing that, Sam,’ I said around my mouthful of mush. ‘Because I don’t have to get over Cas.’

Becky let a small squeal slip out. She’s there way before Sam.

‘Oh, come on Dean, you’ve been moping like a teenager for days, and suddenly it’s like there’s nothing to get over?’

‘Mmmm-hmmm.’

‘Sam, don’t you get it?’ Becky grinned at him. I slurped down the rest of my orange juice as she blabbed. ‘He doesn’t have to get over Cas if he wants to get him back. That was what you were getting at Dean, right?’

I put the glass back down slowly.

‘Right. And as soon as he answers my prayers, we’ll work it out.’

‘He’s not answering your prayers?’ Sam grabbed onto that part, rather than the whole idea that I’d take back the angel who cheated and lied and manipulated me. I know Sam was thinking I was whipped. Hell, I thought I was whipped. But I’ll handle that. ‘Want me to try him? Maybe he thinks you’re going to yell at him.’

‘I want him back, but he deserves it.’ I shrugged. Sam bitchfaced at me, before closing his eyes and ducking his head.

‘Castiel, it’s Sam Winchester. I know things aren’t great right now, Cas, but I’d really like to talk to you. Could you please come? I know whatever you’re doing is important, but I’d really appreciate it.’

I looked around, but nothing changed. Sam sighed.

‘He always did get back to you faster.’

‘I’ll try him again, but he’s going to ignore me too.’ I closed my own eyes. ‘Castiel, who art anywhere but the bunker like he should be right now, can you just come home? Please?’

I didn’t want to open my eyes, and see just Sam and Becky sitting there, looking at me pitifully. I could imagine him putting his hand on my shoulder, could almost feel it through my shirt. But he wasn’t there, and it sucked to open my eyes and see that. I looked down at the rest of my French Toast and carried on eating it so I didn’t have to look at my brother.

‘Maybe I should try? Maybe he won’t think I’m with you guys and he’ll come talk to me? I mean, I know we’re not close but we’ve had a couple of good conversations.’ Becky sounded apprehensive too, like I was going to bite her head off.

‘It’s worth a shot, I guess.’

She clasped her hands together and prayed like a kid.

‘Um, Castiel? It’s Becky. I um, I said you could stay at my house after you fought with Dean but you can talk to me too, you know that right? Can we talk now? I promise that Sam and Dean won’t be around, it’ll just be us. Let me know. Amen.’

I tried to keep a straight face, and kept my attention on my breakfast.

‘You really don’t have to say “Amen” you know,’ I could hear the smile on Sam’s face.

‘It’s polite. Cas will appreciate it. So does he appear instantly or do we have to wait?’

‘We have to wait. It’s only instant with Dean.’

I looked up, just to see them swapping one of those dorky looks. I think this one says _of course its instant for Dean, he and Castiel are meant to be_.

Are they going to be doing that the entire time we’re ice skating? I let them wait for Cas to not show up for a few minutes, then stood up, my chair scraping back as I did, and I got another flash of memory, of Cas on this chair and me grinding up against him, trying to screw him, practically eating him I was so desperate for him. I made myself leave the kitchen, the idea of kissing Cas firmly stuck in my head. How is it possible to miss someone this much?

*

I didn’t actually put on a pair of skates. Instead, I sat in the little cafe with a hot chocolate, watching Sam and Becky go around the rink. They’re nauseating. Sam’s a natural on the ice and he keeps skating off, but Becky’s not as confident and she keeps staggering, so he comes sweeping over just in time to save her ass. I actually think this is an act of hers, to get some contact, but I can’t blame her. Eventually, Sam just took her hand, slid it around his waist, put his arm around her and moved off with her, slowly. They did a couple of laps like that, then Sam grabbed her hands and started spinning her around on the ice, making their own little circle. I could hear them laughing halfway across the site.

I kept thinking what it would be like if Cas was here, if this was one of our dates. He’d be asking a lot of questions about how skates even worked and I’d patiently bullshit him until I went too far and he called me out on it. And he’d stride off onto the rink like just knowing how it all worked was enough to keep him upright. And I’d have to go out there and save his sorry ass when he inevitably fell, but I wouldn’t really mind because I’d have a reason to touch him in public, without feeling like I was under scrutiny.

I know how it would go if we weren’t under scrutiny too. I’d hold him somehow the entire time, pulling him around by his hand or holding his shoulders while I skated backwards to show off, or something. And I’d be sneaking in kisses whenever I could. And then we’d come to this cafe and share a coffee and he’d make some dorky comment about coffee like it’s our thing. I mean, it kind of is.

And it’s the entire reason I’m making myself drink a hot chocolate. It feels almost like I’d be cheating on Cas to drink coffee without him. Some kind of bell sounded, and Sam led Becky back to the gap in the wall where they could climb out safely. I waited for them to get their skates off and come find me. Sam was the first to finish up.

‘You didn’t wait for Becky?’

He shrugged as he sat down next to me.

‘She went to the restroom, said she’d meet us here. It was fun on the ice you know, you should’ve come.’

‘Maybe next time.’

‘When Cas is here, you mean?’ I nodded. ‘You know, I was thinking, trying to work out why Cas hasn’t got back to us yet. I mean, he never leaves you hanging this long. I have a couple of theories.’

So do I. He can be a total child.

‘The first is that something big is going on in Heaven. I mean, that angel that Meg knew, she said some pretty big stuff, maybe he’s just making sure that she’s no longer an issue for you two? So he’ll come back and you’ll make it up and there’ll be nothing to worry about.’

What kind of lifetime movie does he think we’re stuck in?

‘What’s your other theory?’

‘My other theory is that the other angels are interfering somehow, so we’re praying into dead space. Have you tried calling him? A phone call?’

‘Yeah. And then I broke my phone.’

Sam pulled his cell out from his inside jacket pocket.

‘Call him now. See what happens.’

I pressed the call button on Cas’ name and waited for the line to connect. It rang for ages, and then went onto the answerphone. Why isn’t Cas picking up his cell? I turned away from Sam and dropped my voice when the thing beeped.

‘Cas? It’s Dean. Where are you? Can you get back to me? Please?’

I hung up, and slid Sam’s cell across the table to him, as Becky appeared holding three mugs and grinning huge at us.

‘Guess who might have found you a case!’

Sam raised an eyebrow at me, and I shrugged back. I said I wanted the distraction of work, didn’t I? Becky slid onto my brother’s lap and leaned across him so I could be included.


	18. Chapter 18

‘You okay, Sammy?’ I asked as I pushed Baby to her limit on the open road.

‘Yeah. I just feel bad.’

‘I get it, but you’d feel worse if you’d let her come. Its better this way.’

He didn’t say anything, just flipped the newspaper article over and began reading it again. I know he was pissed when I said Becky should stay home with Charlie, but he got it, I know he got it. He’d never forgive himself if anything happened to her.

‘Come on, man. Charlie was back from her lesbian threesome, she’s not alone. They’ll do girly junk together and ruin the bunker while we’re away.’

He gave a big Sam sigh.

‘What?’

‘I don’t know, Dean. The girls are smart, they could probably help us narrow this thing down.’

‘Yeah, and then they’ll want to help get rid of it, which means worrying about them as well as you.’

‘What about Cas? We never made him sit on the sidelines.’

‘Well, when Becky gets a grace, she can come with. Not much can kill an angel, after all.’

He didn’t say anything back to that, and when I looked at him he was staring out of the window.

‘Come on, Sammy,’

‘Dean? Are you really,’ he took a breath. ‘What do you think about me and Becky?’

‘What do I think about you and Becky what?’

‘About us dating.’

‘I don’t know. What do you want me to think?’

‘Dean-‘

‘I mean, she seems different this time around. I can’t put my finger on why. But I guess, its like, does she make you happy?’

‘Yeah. She does.’

‘Then its fine. You’re my kid brother, that’s all I want for you, you know?’

He didn’t object to the fact I referred to him as a kid.

‘Thanks, Dean.’

‘So, is it serious?’

‘No, it’s not been that long. We’re trying to take it slow, you know? Actually get to know each other. She knows I don’t want to rush anything. I mean, look at you and Cas.’

There’s a sudden tension in the air. Like he knows he just went way too far but I know he’s not going to take it back. I waited for him to do it anyway, for as long as I could.

‘Look at me and Cas?’

‘Leave it. Forget I said anything.’

‘No, explain. I mean, there was that time in Becky’s house you said there was so much wrong with me and Cas, so go ahead. What, Cas and me rushed into it and now I deserve to feel like this?’

‘That’s not what I said, Dean.’

‘We’ve got a long car ride, might as well start talking.’

‘Okay, first of all? You were having really loud sex in Becky’s house! After I’d asked you not to.’

‘You think that’s all we did in Becky’s house?’

‘Look, I get that he was your best friend, and you had that whole profound bond thing. It took him ages to stop treating me like a second class citizen, especially where you were concerned. I get that you probably have been together longer than I realise, and that he makes you happy. I know he’s your angel, okay?’

‘What’s the point here, Sam?’

‘The point is, the entire _reason_ I said that there was so much wrong, was because I kept going to him, worried about you, thinking he’d show the same concern, and he wrote it off. Acted like I was saying a bunch of _crap_. And to me, there’s something wrong if your boyfriend doesn’t even worry about you. Isn’t that wrong to you? Isn’t the entire reason you’re not together right now because you actually agree with me? Because you didn’t drop him for being too noisy when you screw him, or for constantly demanding your attention. It was because he was lying to you, and acting like he’d get away with it.’

I glared at the road so I didn’t look at Sam. Because I knew if I did, I’d end up punching his fucking face in.

‘And like I said, you were probably together longer than I realise, but when I walked into the motel room we were sharing and you were in bed naked with him? Come on, Dean, what was I meant to think? That was what, two weeks ago?’

‘Paintball,’ I grunted. ‘Our first official “date” was paintball.’

‘That was only a couple of days before Dean. It’s not really refuting my point.’

‘We’d been talking. Planning it. Everything else was there, Sam, it was just the physical stuff.’

My stomach disappeared and my heart started thudding extra hard as I realised exactly what I was saying. Everything was there, everything except actually touching each other. I loved him before I said yes. I was just, I don’t know, in denial or something. I mean, it’s not like I’m totally gay.

‘Then why did he do that to you? Why did he lie?’

‘You think I don’t ask myself that?’

He went quiet again, and I hated the silence even more than the shit he was saying. Maybe because I was left in my own head that way. But God, if he wasn’t confirming everything I’d been wondering about Cas’ actions.

‘You still want to be with him though, right?’

‘You think it’s a bad idea.’

‘I think you need to put your foot down with him. Don’t let him use being an angel as an excuse for what he’s done. He’s spent enough time with us by now to know it was wrong before he did it.’

‘So you don’t think we’re such a bad thing?’ I felt a little bit calmer, like we were over the worst of it.

‘I think I’ve never seen you happier than you have been the last few weeks, and I know its down to being with him. Whatever goes on between you when I’m not there, its good for you. If he gives you a chance to actually be together on mutual terms, yeah, it’s a good idea. That’s why I’m saying put your foot down. He’s still an angel, remember? And like you always say-‘

‘Angels are dicks.’ I finished off drily.

‘Sorry, Dean.’

‘Mmmm,’ I grunted, and checked the next road marker. Another twenty miles. ‘So, this case, what do you think it is?’

‘I don’t know. People disappearing in a suburb? It could be anything. A djinn, a shapeshifter, vampires, werewolves-‘

‘Didn’t we just get done with a djinn, like, three weeks ago?’

‘Right? Oh, so get this, a lot of the vics have been couples. There was Bob and Vanessa Mortimer, Morris and Clarissa Van Der Bleck-‘

‘So what, it’s more likely to be a renegade cupid, or some kind of small-time God who needs couple rituals, like that scarecrow way back when?’

‘Yeah, probably.’

‘Good call on keeping Becky at home, Dean. Appreciate it. Glad I don’t have to worry that we’ll be taken by this thing.’ I said it sarcastically, driving home the point. He didn’t complain, or repeat anything, and it took me a moment to catch up. ‘Sammy!’

‘What? Best way to hunt something like that.’

‘Yeah, you’re taking it real slow. “Hey Becky, I know we’ve basically been on about three dates, but mind if I make you bait to catch the monster you hooked me onto?” Nice, Sammy.’

‘I’d make sure she was safe.’

‘I wouldn’t do that to Cas, you know.’

He mumbled to himself, but I caught it, and whacked his arm.

‘Ow!’

‘He would _not_ sell me out like that!’

‘Remember when he let Balthazar use us as bait?’

‘Fuck you, Sammy.’

*

We got to the town without talking about anything other than the case. Sammy insisted we ask around for a while before checking into a motel, but we didn’t find much. Most of the couples shared the same traits, I guess. Kept themselves to themselves, didn’t really have other friends to speak of. It made it hard to work out what we were up against. Eventually, we dragged our feet to the closest motel, and checked in, heading for our room to do more research and make a plan for dealing with this thing. Sam was googling the local library and newspaper archives on his phone on the way up to our room when we heard a voice I never wanted to hear again. Like, it made my balls jump up into my body.

‘Well, well, well. Winchester and Winchester.’

I turned around, and saw her. The hateful hag.

‘Not in the mood, Meg.’

‘Boy, you and Castiel are like homing pigeons for each other, aren’t you? Did he fit you with a tracking device or something?’

He’s … he’s here? Meg could see her words had gotten to me.

‘Didn’t he tell you? We were sharing a room. He’s just gone to get some Chinese food.’

I felt sick. I’d been pining for him, coming to terms with just how I felt about him, and he was off with Meg, ignoring me? I felt like an ass. I felt like a total ass. Especially as Sam could hear her, he looked up when she said that.

‘Why would he share a room with you?’ He sneered.

‘I don’t know, maybe because I’d give him what your brother can’t?’

I could feel my blood boiling, and she rolled her eyes.

‘Oh, calm down, nothing happened. He’s being a total ass about you, about how he has to get to you, how I don’t stand a chance because you’re still on this Godforsaken planet. It’s boring and annoying.’ She moved her focus onto Sam. ‘Is this one being as bad? I seriously can’t think of a single thing Cas said to me that didn’t have the words Dean or Winchester buried in there somewhere.’

He looked at me, and then back at her.

‘He’ll be back soon?’

‘Yeah, you just missed him. I told him he should order in, but he was determined to go get it himself.’

‘Wait a second, why’s Cas getting food?’

She smirked at me, full of smug satisfaction.

‘You mean you don’t know? Did you have your little bitchfest at him before it happened?’

‘Before what happened?’ I demanded.

‘Before Vibeke sold him out to the other angels. They stripped him of his powers. Castiel is human again.’

I felt another wave of sickness.

‘And you let him wander around on his own?!’ I demanded.

‘Oh, calm the hell dow-‘

‘You know we’re working a case here, right?’ I hissed at her. She rolled her eyes. ‘If anything happens to him, Meg …’

I let the threat hang in the air, and stormed away from our room.

‘Dean?’ Sam called out after me.

‘I’m going to find him. Make sure he … make sure he orders enough Chinese food. Since we’re here too.’

I knew Sam would see through it. Hell, even that bitch Meg would. But I didn’t care. Cas was somewhere nearby, and I was damned if I didn’t at least try and get him back where he belonged. Away from the Hell bitch, and back with me.

I didn’t get far out of the motel when I came across some Pigs, their cars illuminating the place with the blue lights on top. There was a small crowd around, and I pushed my way to the front, reaching into my pocket and feeling for my fed badge. I flashed it to the nearest cop.

‘What’s going on? Is this linked to the Mortimer and Van Der Bleck cases?’

‘Can’t say for sure, but it looks like it. A nice young couple were on this bench, not twenty minutes ago, and suddenly they’re not here anymore. Oh, but this time, we got a clue. She left her sweater on the bench.’

I waited for him to tell me the actual clue, but I guess that was it.

‘Her sweater?’

‘Yes, it could have the kidnapper’s DNA on it.’ The cop nodded. I squinted at him in the early-evening darkness. He looked awful young to be a cop. Which means he’s ripe for bullshitting.

‘Well, I’ll take over the investigation now. I’ll just call my partner and we’ll look around for anything your boys might have missed. My partner will test the sweater.’ I started to pull my phone from my pocket as I ducked under the police tape.

‘Uh, you’re dressed pretty casually for the FBI, agent … agent um …’

‘Agent May. I’m off duty right now, I didn’t think I’d be on this case until tomorrow. Is that a problem for you?’

I looked hard at him, and he buckled under my stare.

’N-n-n-no, no sir. Thank you for giving up your free time.’

‘Uh-huh, secure the parameter.’ I nodded into the distance, and he shot off like a puppy, eager to please. I pressed Sam’s speed dial.

‘Hey,’ He greeted me. ‘You find him?’

‘Not yet. Another couple’s gone. I’m a block away. The cops are morons, fresh out of high school. Get here before they get rid of the real evidence.’

‘On my way. Anything to avoid Meg.’

I approached the bench slowly while I waited for Sam, trying to scan the area for anything that might give away what we were facing. Nothing. I heard Sam behind me, knowing it was him from the way his feet hit the ground, the way he wasn’t even breathing slightly harder despite knowing he ran all the way here. My brother’s such a freak.

‘What happened?’

‘Apparently, this couple just disappeared. No sign of them. Oh, but they have a sweater.’

I turned and looked at him, and he winced. But he wasn’t even looking at me. He was looking passed me.

‘What?’ I turned, and saw what he was looking at straight away. It was him, on the edge of the small crowd, looking at the area, that look on his face that was dumb but adorable all at once. And he wasn’t even looking at me.

‘Go.’ Sam said, nudging my shoulder. Right. Because it’s just so easy to go over to the guy you’re in love with when you still feel that hurt. ‘Say he’s part of the investigation.’

I walked over, my legs feeling like jello. He turned to look at me as I came over, but that was it. So even after everything, I’ve got to be the one with the balls? Is he expecting me to apologise too? I stopped just out of his reach.

‘Hi.’

I hated myself. Hi. _Hi?_ What was I, five? I must have been, because my palms were sweating while I waited for him to say “Hello, Dean” in that way he does. I need him to do that.

‘Hello, Dean.’

Oh, God. He still gets to me.

‘Where’ve you been? I’ve been … I’ve been praying to you. Calling you.’

‘I’m sorry, Dean.’

That’s it? He treats me like shit and I still go to him and he doesn’t even begin to explain it?

‘Meg said you were human again,’ I dropped my voice, in case anyone was nearby. I don’t need to have those kinds of questions.

‘Yes.’

I looked around. Everyone was giving us a wide berth. Sam was taking down some locals details. I looked back at him.

‘Okay, what gives? You fuck with me for weeks, and when I find out you act all innocent and what, now I have to kiss your ass? Is that how this is meant to go?’

He blinked at me.

‘Okay, you know what? Sam and I have a case here, so I’m going to actually work. When you finally feel like acting normal and can come talk to me like I deserve, then we’re across the hall from you in the motel. We’ll be there until this case is over.’

I began to walk away, my feelings jumbled and confused, and I couldn’t tell if I was angry or hurt or something else. But then I stopped, because I can’t just walk away from him. I turned back around.

‘Be there at eight, okay?’

And then I closed the distance between us, ignoring the fact I was meant to be an FBI agent investigating a disappearance, ignoring the fact there were people nearby who could see us, and I did what I’d been hoping for since I first saw him, even if he was making it hard for me. I grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him towards me, glad that at least he wasn’t resisting me. And then I kissed him, like I’d been dying to do since I went out with Charlie. But something was off. The feel of his mouth, the way he kissed back, the way he smelled, the way he tasted.

It wasn’t Cas.


	19. Chapter 19

‘So, go through it again,’ Sam said as we arranged the hotel room, ready for Not Cas to show up. ‘Cas is here, but we didn’t see him? Even though we did.’

‘It’s some kind of shapeshifter. Probably needs contact with a person before it can copy them.’ I told him, arranging some silver handcuffs into my pocket.

‘How did you even work out that it wasn’t Cas?’

‘It’s Cas,’ Meg rolled her eyes, arms folded as she leaned against the doorframe. ‘Come on, he was only a block away, of course it was Cas.’

‘It’s not Cas,’ I repeated, making sure I had a silver blade in my other pocket. ‘Trust me.’

‘Really? We’re going to do a trust thing now?’ Meg smirked. I stood up, headed over to her, and stood over her, trying to intimidate her.

‘Listen to me, you little hell bitch, I’m still pissed about the shit you pulled when we were together. I’m pissed that you’re sharing a room with him. The only reason you’re not dead on the floor right now is because you’re useful. But believe me, the second you start getting in his head again, I’ll be there, making things right. Ganking your ass.’

She rolled her eyes at me again.

‘You already won him, Dean. Even when you threw him away, you still have him. So don’t you dare threaten me! I’m not the one convinced he’s an imposter-‘

‘Could you both shut up?’ Sam interrupted. We both looked at him. ‘Could we maybe save the pissing contest for when Cas is here and we’ve worked out if Dean’s right or not?’

‘Dean’s right.’

‘So you say.’

‘Enough! Look, Meg, Dean has his reasons for thinking that it’s not Cas, and Dean’s gut instinct is usually pretty good.’

‘Pretty good,’ I muttered, shaking my head.

‘Okay, so what do you think this Cas is?’

‘I don’t know, just some kind of shapeshifter.’

‘How do you even know it wasn’t him?’

I ducked my head rather than answer. It would be a total chick thing to do, to tell my brother that he didn’t kiss me the way I’m used to.

‘I just do. He wasn’t acting himself, except for the staring thing, standing there in that dumb trench coat-‘

‘He wasn’t in his trench coat,’ Meg laughed. ‘He ruined that, and his suit. They’re shrinking in the bathtub right now. I stole him some stuff from the Gap.’

‘He was definitely in the trench coat. Know how he could be? Because he’s not my Cas.’

She stopped arguing back.

‘The Cas I saw was in the coat.’ Sam said helpfully.

‘So whatever this shifter is, it’s not going for a total replica,’ I scratched my head, trying to work out what we were facing. ‘What was he wearing, Meg?’

‘Plaid pants and a sweater. Like he was about to go to sleep.’

I bit back the answer that he’d be naked if he was going to bed, and instead tried to picture if I’d seen anyone wearing something like that. I knew we hadn’t.

‘How long had he been gone before you saw us?’

‘Like, five minutes. I was grabbing some ice for some soda when I saw you losers.’

‘So in five minutes, Cas has disappeared?’

My mind was on overdrive. There wasn’t many places he could have gone in that time, which means-

‘What, now you don’t believe it?’ Meg sounded scornful.

‘What is there near the motel? Say, in a five block radius?’

‘You think its lair is near here?’ Sam sounded hopeful, as there was a knock at the door. I checked my watch, and saw it was eight already. Showtime. Meg and Sam hid behind the door as I pulled it open, and saw him again. My mouth felt dry. Was I really going to do this to him? I mean, what if I was wrong, and it was just because he was human? How much would have changed with his grace removed?

‘Hey. Thought you weren’t going to show,’ I nodded, sticking my hand in my pocket, feeling for the cuffs. I stood back to let him in, closing the door behind him and sniffing as discreetly as I could. It definitely didn’t smell like my Cas. I got up close, and slapped on the cuffs quickly, as Sam ran over and slammed it into the nearest chair. Meg came over with some rope and between us, we got Not Cas tied up. I was kind of glad for Meg’s help, because Not Cas struggled a hell of a lot. We all stepped back as it glared up at us.

‘Yeah, unless he stole a trench coat and suit on the way to the Chinese place, that’s not Cas.’

‘Dean, Dean, please. Tell them it’s me. Untie me, please.’

‘Are you sure he’s a shifter?’ Sam mused. ‘He’s not reacting to the silver.’

‘I’m not a shifter! I’m Castiel!’

‘No dice.’ I shook my head. ‘Sammy, what do you think it is?’

‘I don’t know, what can change form but isn’t a shapeshifter? A God?’

We both looked at Not Cas.

‘Are you two okay?’ It smiled. I looked away, unable to handle Cas’ smile, Cas’s eyes, not on that thing. ‘Dean, please, untie me. This is ridiculous, isn’t it?’

I looked at Sam, hoping he’d help me. I’m feeling really weak here.

‘So we can do this the easy way or the hard way.’ My brother shrugged at Not Cas. ‘But either way, you’re going to be honest. Where’s Castiel?’

‘Tied to a chair in your hotel room. Dean, we can do this kind of thing later. When we don’t have an audience.’

‘It’s not even trying to sound like him,’ Meg sounded bored. I was actually kind of grateful to the Hell bitch.

‘You guys are crazy.’

‘No, I don’t think so. I think you’re the reason all these people have gone missing, all these couples. I think you’re going to try and get my brother next. But it’s not going to happen. So you might as well tell us. I mean, we’ll find him anyway, and we will kill you. I guess it just depends if you want a quick death or not. So what are you, Vibeke pretending to be Cas? Some small time pagan God who can’t take the fact no one worships them anymore? What?’

It smirked.

‘Dean.’

I couldn’t help but stare at it.

‘Dean, come here, please. You can keep me tied up to the chair all you want but please, come here and just hold me. Please.’

I turned my back on it, so I didn’t cave.

‘I should’ve known. Unrequited.’

I turned back, glaring, as Meg fought off a giggle and Sam made to approach it.

‘What?’

‘Nothing. Untie me. This is boring.’

‘Why are you impersonating Cas? Where is he?’ Sam raised his voice, pulling a blade out of his own pocket.

‘That doesn’t scare me, you know,’ Not Cas rolled its eyes. ‘I thought hunters were meant to be good at their jobs?’

Sam looked at me for a moment, and I wished I could understand what he was trying to communicate with me. He’s worked out what this thing might be, but I still haven’t worked it out. I can’t read his mind.

‘Why couples?’ He asked, looking back at the thing. ‘I mean, doesn’t that defeat the purpose?’

‘It’s genius,’ it laughed. ‘All my family, they just target one person, whether they’re with someone or not. Try and give them what they can’t have, what they think they’re missing. But all they get is that first, superficial flaring of emotions. Its like junk food. No, feeling real love, the actual thing? Feeling is aimed at you because you look so much like the person they’re committed to? That’s a real drug. Isn’t it, Dean?’

Fuck. Fuck, it’s a siren. It’s a siren and it’s stolen Cas and we don’t have Bobby to kill it. How’re we going to kill it? We don’t have anyone who’s infected by it.

‘Let me tell you, Dean, your Cas? Your Cas was amazing. Practically ran into my arms, didn’t question a thing. He’s a real hugger, isn’t he? I should have known it would only go one way, that he was besotted with you and you would never give him what he wanted.’

‘Shut up,’ I bit out.

‘Oh? Does it … yes, it does. That’s why you’re not even looking at me, right? Because it hurts too much to know I’m not him? That’s adorable.’

‘Where is he?’ Sam persisted. ‘Is he even alive right now?’

‘He’s alive. I’ve given him exactly what he wants. He thinks he’s with Dean, and I get the real thing. Everyone wins.’

I turned again to glare at it, and it smiled at me in a way that seemed all wrong for Cas’ face.

‘Dean, baby, you won’t hurt me.’ It shook his head. ‘You can’t even imagine doing it, can you? Even through all that wounded pride you have in there. That hid it really well, you know.’ It leaned its head back.

‘I’m bored of this now. Dean? Sweetheart? Untie me, and then kill your brother.’

I looked at Sam, who looked back at me. Does he really think I would kill him? I’m not infected. Am I?

‘Dean? Look at me.’

I looked. I couldn’t help it. And it was like staring at my Cas. He even cocked his head the way my Cas did. Maybe … maybe it really was Cas.

‘It’s a mistake. Untie me. Untie me, and kiss me. Please.’

That sounds reasonable. And it’s Cas, and I’m aching to touch him again. Besides, it’s me who gets tied up, not Cas. I reached for the blade in my pocket … but it wasn’t there. I felt for it, still looking into his eyes, those amazing eyes … like the sea swallowing your whole. I could die in those eyes.

There was a scratch on my arm, and then a glint of silver, and I realised too late that Meg had cut me, and flung my blade at Cas.

‘No!’

I tried to run to him, but Sam grabbed me, holding me back. I was shouting, hoping Cas was okay, threatening Sammy with all kinds of torture if he didn’t let me go, telling Meg she was a dead woman walking. She strode past me calmly, and twisted the knife, leaning over him, and I watched the life leave his eyes.

‘No, not Cas, not Cas, you bitch! You jealous, selfish bitch!’

‘No, it’s not Cas, remember Dean?’ Sam was in my ear. ‘It wasn’t him, Dean. It wasn’t him. Come on, we’ve got to go find him, okay? He’s not far away, remember?’  
I was shaking with rage still, but it got easier to listen to him.

‘Thanks, Meg.’ He nodded at her.

‘Yeah well, Dean clearly wasn’t up for doing it.’ She sneered at me. ‘And call me a bitch all you want, Dean, but I just did you a massive favour. You think it was easy to do it? I care about Cas too! And I just saved you from having to remember you were the one to kill him.’

‘Then why did you bother?’ I snarled at her.

‘Because, you neanderthal, I love him too. But he doesn’t want me, like we’ve already established a thousand times. So why not give him the thing that makes him happy? Why not let him be with you, if that’s what he wants? But I’ll be watching, waiting for the moment you stop appreciating him again, and I’ll be in there so fast you’ll break your neck trying to look.’

That sounded so much like the speech I gave her. She raised her eyebrow at me in a challenge.

‘So we understand each other, right, Dean?’

I nodded slowly, and she smirked again.

‘I suggest you clear out of the room, go find Cas, and I’ll get rid of this thing.’ She nudged the body, and removed the knife. ‘Want this back?’

Sam reached over and took the knife, and undid the handcuffs, then began packing our stuff, leaving me standing in the middle of the room, feeling like shit.

‘I’m going to go look for him already,’ I decided.

‘Good. Put that tracking device to good use.’ Meg drawled. I ignored her, and chucked the car keys at Sammy.

‘Call me when you’re done, I’ll tell you where I am.’

Sam nodded, and I left the room, not daring to look at the dead Not Cas still tied to the chair.

*

I’d been walking around for ages, trying to work out where this thing would have set up its lair and taken my Cas, and gotten bupkis before Sam called. He updated me on our packing, and Meg’s help, and then asked where I was. I told him, an abandoned bowling alley about two blocks away, and he told me to wait for him to show before going in. I must have been feeling crappier than I realised, because I did exactly what Sammy told me. He drove close to the entrance, and hurried up to me.

‘Okay, let’s go,’ he nodded towards the blocked up entrance. I shook my head.

‘It doesn’t give. I tried before you called. There’s a broken window over here.’

We crossed over to the window I pointed out, and he gave me a leg up over the sharp glass, following me in. We landed in the abandoned bar, and Sam shone a flashlight around.

‘If you were a siren, where would you hide your victims?’ He mused.

‘In a ditch.’

I took my own flashlight and walked the length of the alleys, stooping at the end to get to where the pins are processed. Somehow, I got back there, in amongst the old, rusted machines. While Sam went to check the shoe rental section.

I stumbled over a girl first. I checked her over quickly. She was cool to touch, but clammy, like a sick patient. She has a faint pulse, and I felt some relief. At least we could save her. I shone the flash light around, seeing all the missing couples, going over to check them all. Only the first couple - his wallet said he was Robert Mortimer - were dead, the others could be saved.

And then I saw him. At the end. Dressed in a sweater, pyjama pants and sneakers, just like Meg said. His head was slumping forward, but I’d know him anywhere.

‘Cas!’ I couldn’t help but shout out as I ran over to him, clearing the other bodies like I was running track. And then I was stooping down, checking on him too, sinking to the floor in relief when I felt a pulse. He’s still alive. ‘Cas. Cas! Wake up!’

‘Cas? You found him?’ I heard Sammy faintly across the building.

‘Behind the pins. They’re all here.’ I called back, grabbing Cas’ face, forcing it up. There wasn’t even a flicker in his expression. He felt cold too, and I pressed my mouth against his, catching at him lips, trying to, I don’t know, Sleeping Beauty our way out of this one. But he didn’t respond at all. At least he tasted like he should have, smelled right. It was definitely him. ‘Baby? Please, please wake up.’

I kissed him again, unable to stop myself, as I heard Sam making his way back behind the pins.

‘Is he okay?’ Sam shone the flashlight into his face.

‘He won’t wake up. None of them will. Well, the Mortimers are dead, but the others …’ I looked over Cas’ face again, hoping for some flicker of recognition, some surprise that I was here, rescuing him. I got nothing.

‘What do you want to do? It looks like they need medical attention.’

‘We’ll get Cas out of here, back to the bunker.’

‘Dean-‘

‘Then we’ll call the local police anonymously, get them to check over the others while we take him home.’

‘I think he needs medica-‘

‘He’s coming _home_ , Sammy.’

He stopped arguing with me. Good, because he wasn’t going to get anywhere. I hauled Cas up so I could carry him, and followed Sam out of the building, holding Cas’ body close. Sam waited by the car as I laid Cas carefully across the back seat, then passed me the keys.


	20. Chapter 20

I never used to understand why people did the whole bedside vigil thing. I mean, yeah, you can be depressed that someone’s sick or whatever, and you can go visit them and talk like there’s nothing really wrong, but a bedside vigil thing? It always seemed like desperation to me.

So I guess I’m desperate. Between Sam and Charlie, we got Cas hooked up to an IV, and a heart monitor, and I haven’t left his side since we got back, not unless you count trips to the bathroom where Sam kicked me out so I could pee or ‘stop stinking like a homeless guy’ as he put it. And between the three of them, they’ve kept him company while I’ve been gone. I think they’ve all realised that I don’t want him to wake up alone.

It’s been two weeks since we found him. Two weeks, and he won’t wake up. And while I’m constantly hovering around him, waiting for any flicker of his eyes, a parting of his lips, a finger twitch - anything to show me he’s still in there - Sam’s been researching what the hell the siren could have done to make him this way, to see if he’s poisoned or there’s a spell we need to try. Becky’s gone back to the town, visited the other couples under the guise of being a volunteer for the candy stripe program, and checked how they were doing. All of them had woken up, and were doing fine. Apparently, one of the girls, Amanda or something, she’s just the best. I don’t care.

The only thing I can figure for why Cas is still comatose, is that he’s left his vessel. And maybe he’s had it so long that the guy it belonged to - Jimmy someone? - he’s long gone. It’s like we’re keeping an empty meat suit alive, and I can’t stop it. I can’t leave the body to die, because what if Cas is still in there, and he’s just out of my reach?

No one’s commented either, on the fact that I’m still sharing the bed with him at night. I’m not sleeping much, but I can’t help curling up next to him at night, pretending he went to sleep before me, just watching the way his eyelashes lay on his cheek, and how long his stubble’s getting, debating whether to shave him while he’s out of it. Cas is beautiful, in a weird way. I realise I sound like a total Nancy with all this, but I can’t help myself either.

I’m not a total head case, when it hits morning and I can hear Sam and Becky going through the bunker for coffee, I peel away from him with a kiss, and go sit in the chair I’ve got propped up nearby. And after about ten minutes, one of them will come in and bring me some coffee. They’re not quite taking it in turns, I think it’s more what might have happened the night before. If I yelled at someone, Sam comes in. If I cried and pretended I didn’t, it’s Becky. Sam will stick to business, telling me the big fat nothing he’d found so far in research. Becky wants to discuss my feelings. I always dread Becky coming in. I started yelling last night just to make sure she wouldn’t.

‘So, Charlie and I were talking,’ Sam announced his arrival into my room. Our room. ‘We think we might have a solution. Kinda.’

‘Shoot,’ I nodded, taking my coffee from him, and taking a big gulp. It was so strong, totally hit the spot.

‘Remember that African dream root I took for a case once? Charlie thinks maybe if one of us took that, we’d get into Cas’ head. Maybe the secret to waking him up is in his dreams?’

‘I’ll go,’ I decided. ‘If I can’t get him to wake up, I don’t think anything could.’

‘Are you sure, Dean? I mean, the last memory he has of you is you breaking up with him.’

‘Yeah well, I need answers, Sammy. And if I really mean anything to him, he’ll talk with me.’

Sam just clapped a hand onto my shoulder.

‘I’ll go prep the dream root. You might wanna give your coffee a miss?’ He took my drink back anyway. Why’d he even bring it when he knew he was bringing up the dream root? ‘Get some DNA off him. Like a hair or something.’

It’s kind of gross that my brother would assume I’d go for something else on Cas. Did he really think I’d be rooting around in his mouth for some spit? Or going nuts on his dick so I could have some spunkalicious dream root? I mean, give me some credit, Sammy. Not while he’s unconscious. Maybe to celebrate when he wakes up. If he wakes up. Once I’m done yelling at him, and we’re onto some seriously hot make up sex. God, I want make up sex with him.

And something just occurred to me. He’s a freaking angel, is this even going to work? Sam walked back in the room with Becky and Charlie tagging along.

‘Ready, Dean?’

‘I don’t know. I will get in Cas’ head, right?’

‘Yeah, that’s the general idea.’

‘No, I mean, it’s Jimmy’s DNA really, I won’t get suckered into his dreams, will I?’

Sam frowned as he thought it through.

‘No. Whenever we’ve needed human blood in a spell, Cas always bailed out, saying he was an angel. I guess while he’s in the driving seat, it’s his DNA. And he’s human, right? But still in charge?’

‘Right. I just don’t want to screw this up.’

Sam nodded, and passed me the drink.

‘I get that, Dean. But I think you’re good, for finding Cas anyway. It might be best if you get on the bed for this.’

I took the glass wordlessly, and walked around the bed, and them, sitting down and swinging my legs up onto my side. And then I reached over and tugged a couple of hairs out of his head, mixing them into the drink.

‘Thanks for keeping it PG.’

‘Bite me, Sammy,’ I growled, before tipping the drink down my throat, and laying back on the bed, taking Cas’ hand as I did so. Charlie appeared, hovering above me, grinning.

‘Just in case you have trouble going to sleep,’ she winked, then covered my face in a cloyingly sweet-smelling rag. My eyes began to close as I was processing that they’d used chloroform on me.

*

The next thing I knew, I was stepping through the threshold of a house. It looked pretty big, even though I could only see the entrance, and a few doors. At first, I wondered what on earth was going on in Cas’ head, but then I noticed the pictures. They were everywhere, from all kinds of places. And all of them were him and me, smiling at the camera, arms around each other. Us at the Empire State building, the Statue of Liberty, under the Eiffel tower, by the tower of Pisa, at a ski lodge, on the beach. It was like we’d had a whole different relationship. We looked so happy.

I heard a shout from the other side of one of the doors, though I couldn’t make out what they were saying. It didn’t sound bad, more like when Sam calls to me through the bunker. And then the door in front of me opened, and Cas was there. I wasn’t sure what to think, how to feel. He looked just like normal, but happier. Like he didn’t have a care in the world. The bags were gone from under his eyes and he didn’t look as pale as he had for the last two weeks. There was a spark in his eyes that punched me in the gut. I’ve missed that spark. I ached for him, needed him to come finish the gap between us, but at the same time, I couldn’t move over there. I mean, didn’t he realise how much he’d hurt me, lying to me and cheating on me and then running off with Meg? Didn’t he get how scared I’d been for him, how desperate I was for him to wake up and just be okay?

He looked different in more superficial ways too. He’d done something crappy to his hair. Instead of it just sitting where he left it like he used to, he’d gelled it into a parting. I was resisting the need to muss it up, make it bed-head, sex hair like I’m used to. And his clothes were just weird on him. I’m used to the constant trench coat, seeing him in designer pants, a shirt and a sweater … it all looked so expensive. Is that what he wants out of life? To be some rich dick?

I must have stared at him for too long. He’d been staring back, looking mildly confused, which was at least semi-normal and therefore comforting. But then he took a cautious step forward, and said in a voice I didn’t know I’d been missing until that moment. ‘Hello, Dean.’

It still gets me, every single time. I took a deep breath, and tried to focus. This was probably going to take some time.

‘Hi, Cas.’


	21. Chapter 21

We’re just standing there, staring at each other in the hall. He looked like he wants to follow me with bleach or something if I dared to move further into the house. I’m not sure I wanted to stick around. There’s something about the place that freaked me out. But it’s him, and I have to stick it out. I forced myself to start slow, to ease him into it, even though I want him to just level with me for once.

‘So … nice place.’

Could he hear my disdain?

‘Thanks. But it’s your home too, Dean.’

He sounds confused. I need to find out what’s been going on with him.

‘Oh, right. So, no bunker?’

He smiled weakly.

‘What bunker?’

‘What bunker?!’ I blurted out. Is he serious? ‘The Men of Letters bunker? My legacy?’

He frowned for a moment, and then his expression cleared, like he suddenly remembered.

‘Sweetie, is this a joke? Or are you role playing?’

What did the siren do to him? I tried to regroup, find out what was going on with him.

‘Never mind. So … we went to Italy?’

‘Are you okay, Dean?’ Cas did that head tilt thing, and I felt myself swallow around a huge lump in my throat. ‘I thought you wanted to have sex, anyway. Wasn’t that what we were doing?’

We were doing what, now?

‘No. We broke up, Cas.’

He smiled weakly at me.

‘Why would we do that?’

I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to think of some way we could get on the same page.

‘Cas just … just tell me about us.’

I opened my eyes and saw him grinning at me, like I’d handed him a bunch of candy. I hoped that meant I’d made some progress.

‘Well, we didn’t break up, that’s for sure. What do you want to know?’

‘Everything. Tell me everything that led us to this house, right now.’

His smile wavered, but at least he talked.

‘We got together about seven years ago, but we’ve been friends for much longer. We’ve been married five years, but it honestly doesn’t feel like that, Dean. It feels like the honeymoon stage.’

We got _what_? He didn’t seem to notice my freaking out over the whole marriage thing.

‘We have a good life together. And a great sex life, that seems so important to you. And we don’t live too far from Sam and Becky, that’s important to you too. And we have the best nieces in the world, even if Jessie’s a little too hyperactive and Mary’s too confrontational. I think it’s because they’re three, you think it’s because they get excited to see us.’

‘We’re married?’ I heard the other stuff, I did, but I’m not going to get bogged down with details.

‘Yes, Dean,’ now he sounded upset. ‘Don’t you remember?’

Of course I don’t remember the made up shit in his head.

‘I’m just surprised, that’s all.’

‘You’re the one who proposed.’

Well, of course I would be. It’s like this place is everything he wanted. Does he want me to propose? Does he really think marriage was where we were headed? I guess so.

‘I guess it was like, the perfect proposal, huh?’

He didn’t hear the sarcasm. Instead he grinned at me like I finally got it. Oh, I got it all right.

‘It really was. I mean, other people might not think it was romantic, but it was so … us. We’d been walking by the river and you stopped us walking, then went down on one knee and said about how much you loved me and then you proposed. It was just us, and the river, and the stars. It was amazing.’

It doesn’t sound like anything I’d do.

‘And the wedding?’ I could hear the strain in my voice, even if he couldn’t.

‘Perfection.’ He grinned. Perfection? Who talks like that? My “husband”, apparently. ‘Oh Dean, you know I love this story!’

Oh fuck, what’ve I done?

‘So we decided not to have a church wedding. You weren’t really bothered about where we got married, as long as we did. I chose this cute little place, right on the beach, and we had a few friends and family members there. My brother officiated, Sam was best man. We had our first dance to one of those rock songs you used to love.’

Used to love?

‘So, what, I’m not into music any more?’

‘Not so much.’

There was an awkward pause, like he was waiting for me to ask why, and I tried to figure out how to tell him the truth.

‘So, why’re you by the front door? I thought you were headed into the back yard. And you’re wearing different clothes. You look like a trucker.’

Now’s the time to give him a reality check, but I don’t think it’s going to be easy.

‘Look, Cas, this isn’t easy to hear, but we’re not married. We’re not even dating right now. You screwed me over, and I broke us up. You ran into a siren that looked like me about two weeks ago, and it put you in this, this coma-like place. All its other victims woke up, and you’re the only one who won’t. Sam and Charlie, they worked out a way for me to get in here and talk to you, convince you to come home. So would you just come home? We’ll work out whatever we need to, but I need you home. I think … I think you’re dying back there, man.’

Cas looked like he was trying to listen and understand, but I guessed that a lot of that just went right over his head.

‘I wouldn’t screw you over, Dean. I love you.’

‘Uh-huh, I wouldn’t have believed it either, but you did. Could you please just listen to me? Come home with me.’

‘We are home.’ Cas shrugged.

‘No, Cas, we’re not. We’re stuck in your head, in some weird fantasy you have about us. It’s not real. And you know what? It would be real selfish of you to stay in here where nothing bad ever happens just because you’re too afraid to deal with the consequences of your actions. Especially when you’re going to leave me to watch you die. You think I could deal with that, Cas?’

‘I’m not dying, Dean,’ Cas smiled at me. That smile you use for sick relatives you’re not allowed to tell are about to bite it. I didn’t miss the irony. ‘And if we’re really broken up,’ I hated the condescending sound of his voice just then. ‘Then why would it bother you?’

I squeezed my hands into fists, trying to control my temper.

‘Are you fucking kidding me right now?’ I tried not to yell at him. ‘Cas, who the fuck do you think came to your rescue from the siren? Who do you think has kept an eye on you for weeks, trying to make sure you’re at least stable? Did you think I’d let my brother come in here and try to reason with you instead of me?’ I took in a deep breath, and forced the words out. ‘You really don’t get it, do you? You’ve won, okay? You’ve won because I still feel this way. Because you can treat me like total crap and I still can’t stay away from you. You’ve won because I-I-‘

Yeah, I still can’t tell him.

‘Whatever. Look, Cas, it’s me. Can’t you just trust me? Or has that gone in your little fantasy world, and it’s just about what you want, all the time?’

He looked away from me, focusing on the ring on his left hand, twisting it around his finger. His wedding band.

‘I trust you, Dean. You know that.’

‘Then please, please come home?’

He still wouldn’t look at me.

‘I am home, Dean. So are you.’

‘This isn’t real, Castiel! None of it’s real! Don’t you get that? The only things that are real in this place are you and me. What’s real is that you are dying in front of me in the bunker, what’s real is that you lied to me, and cheated on me, and took advantage of me, and I’m still here fighting for us, Cas.’

He still wouldn’t look at me. I wasn’t going to get through to him, was I? He was more concerned with staying in his little bubble, safe from the real world, safe from our problems. And I wished I could do the same thing, but I knew it wasn’t right.

‘Cas, please, just look at me.’

He raised his head, still toying with his wedding band. Whatever he’s thinking, I can’t read it on his face. I don’t know what to do, how to convince him to do the right thing, how to save him.

‘Maybe this was a waste of time,’ I sighed.

‘No, no it wasn’t, Dean. It never is when it comes to us.’

I stared at him, just for a moment. Was that a sign he was listening?

‘You’re right, I need to cut you some slack. I mean, you can drink the beers from the local convenience store if it makes you happy. It doesn’t have to be imported. Even if they’re better.’

He controls my beer in here?

‘Well, thanks Cas, but you’re completely missing the point.’

‘Do you want to top some more? Or have me cook once in a while?’

Do I want to what?

‘Cas, I want you to come with me. I figure if we walk out the front door, we’ll make it back. Will you at least try, for me? Humour me.’

He gave me a polite smile, but didn’t move. So I did, crossing the short space between us, and crushing his mouth with my own. It was a desperate, last ditch attempt, I guess, to get across the words I couldn’t say. I was determined to kiss the life out of him, to remind him how good we could be, how good we’d be again if he’d just wake the hell up and talk to me. He has to give me some answers, but not here, not now, not in his head while he doesn’t believe a single word I’m saying.

I forgot how good he kisses, how great he tastes. Or, I remembered, but I didn’t remember well enough. I was pushing him up against the door frame, smothering him, knowing it was probably uncomfortable but I didn’t care. At least he kissed back, sliding his hands around my neck, pulling me closer like I wasn’t already trying to taste his tonsils. I could feel him pressing against me, already hard, so ready for me, and I really hoped when my body responded in this dream world that I didn’t have a situation in my sleep too. For all I knew, Sam, Becky and Charlie were still in the room, keeping an eye on both of us. That would suck to wake up to them avoiding my eye contact because Cas got me going.

I made the kiss last for ages, too afraid that I’d pull away and he’d still be ignorant of everything. But it had to end, because it still killed me, knowing what he did.

‘Dean?’ he whispered, stroking a thumb across my eye. ‘Dean, it’s okay.’

He pulled me back to him, letting me cry into his shoulder, and I grabbed onto him like a lifeline, barely paying attention as he stroked my back, whispering to me. All I could pay attention to was that this was going to be our goodbye. If he wasn’t prepared to leave this place, this fantasy world that he’d created, then I was going to have to prepare myself for the inevitable.

‘Cas? Are you going to come with me?’

‘I don’t know.’

I expected it, but that didn’t make it any easier to deal with.

‘Please?’

‘Dean, if what you’re saying is true,’ he sounded so unsure as he said it. ‘If we’re really broken up in a parallel universe, if I’m really dying, then what’s the point?’

‘It could save you!’

He sighed, I could feel his whole body moving with it.

‘I’ll think about it,’ he decided, but it sounded like a platitude. He was just saying what he thought I would want to hear.

‘No, Cas. We don’t have the time for that.’

I pulled away from him, letting go, staring at him like I haven’t been crying like a baby. He was looking at a photograph to the side of us. I followed his gaze. It was a wedding photo, I could tell by all the confetti surrounding us in the picture. We were both in suits, and laughing together. It was a real good picture. I got where he was at, a little. Maybe he was beginning to believe me, maybe he was accepting that I was telling the truth, but he didn’t want to let go of the idea that we’re happily married.

‘Cas? I know it’s not easy, okay? I know you’re happy. But it’s the right thing to do. You think we can’t be happy out there? You think I don’t want to try again? But I can’t do it on my own, okay?’

He nodded absent-mindedly, but I knew it was over. I couldn’t convince him any more.

‘Cas?’ He looked at me again, this time concerned. ‘Cas I … I love you. I do. And if that means anything, you’ll follow me out of the door. I’ll be waiting for you to wake up. And yeah, it’ll suck at first, but aren’t I worth it?’

I didn’t wait for him to react, didn’t wait for the fallout of me finally saying those words. I turned around, and headed out of the door.


	22. Chapter 22

I woke up without opening my eyes, just listening to the sounds of Becky, Charlie and Sam talking.

‘When do you think they’ll wake up?’

‘I guess it depends on what Dean’s walking in on. If he’s got to get through a lot to find Cas, it could take a while.’

‘Maybe we should go, give them some privacy when they wake up.’

I could feel three pairs of eyes burning into me at that point, and then the faint sounds of footsteps took the sensation away. I blinked my eyes open, staring up at the ceiling, a little afraid to look over at Cas in case there was no change.

I don’t think I did that right. I don’t think he’s going to listen to me. He probably thought I was crazy, so why would he listen to me?

I was still holding his hand, like I was before I went under, and thank God, I wasn’t standing to attention either. Maybe I just laid there the whole time? Whatever, I squeezed his hand, trying to let him know I was back, hoping he’d squeeze my hand in reply. I wasn’t surprised when he didn’t, but fuck if it didn’t hurt. I looked over at him. He was still laying like he was asleep, except for the tubing coming out of his arm for the IV and the heart monitor.

I felt like an ass, but I figured maybe he could hear me if I started talking. Maybe I’d reach him in that house, and he’d reconsider. I scooted closer, laying an arm just over his head, putting my other hand on his chest and shaking him slightly.

‘Cas? Can you hear me? It’s Dean. Look, I know I didn’t do great in there, but can you please, please do the right thing? Don’t leave me to deal with this. Please.’

Could he hear me begging? The way my voice was shaking even as I tried to control it?

‘I don’t know what to do without you, Cas. I need you. You know that.’

He still didn’t react. I shook his chest again, as Sam cleared his throat by the door.

‘I take it he didn’t bite?’

‘Nope.’ I forced myself to sound businesslike. So Sammy couldn’t get how much this was killing me.

‘Why not?’

I looked over my shoulder, checking he was alone.

‘Like the siren said, it gave him something I just can’t. He’s choosing that.’

I looked back at Cas rather than see my brother’s reaction.

‘You were dating him, Dean. What more could he want? Does he think he has his powers back?’

‘No.’

‘Then what could he possib-‘

‘Leave it, Sammy.’

Sam wasn’t put off by my tone. He never is.

‘Kids?’

‘I said leave it.’

‘Ohhhhh,’ Sam sounded smug, like he got it. ‘You know, it wouldn’t be so bad.’

He’s calling my bluff.

‘Uh-huh.’

‘You’d make him real happy if you did that.’

‘Well, he’s choosing to not wake up, so its even more of a non-option.’ I went along with it like we were both actually talking about something real, instead of him trying to feel out what was wrong and have me walk into blurting it out. Does he really think he knows me better than I know him?

‘Maybe if you told him it was an option now, he’d hear and change his mind?’ Sam wouldn’t drop it. ‘Besides, it’s Cas. He’ll do the right thing.’

‘How long do you think he has left?’

‘Before he wakes up? I don’t know, I think it totally depends on how long it takes you to man up and give him what he clearly wants.’

I hate my brother sometimes.

‘You don’t have a clue, do you?’ I looked back over my shoulder, and he smirked at me.

‘You’re really not as complicated and mysterious as you might like to think, Dean. Something you can’t give him, or aren’t willing to? It’s some kind of commitment. Pets are out because of your allergies, you said it’s not kids. Kinda leaves one option.’

‘Real estate.’

‘Yeah, sure, real estate. Gold coloured, right? Kinda small, fits on one hand-‘

‘Shut up Sammy.’

‘Thought so.’

I glared at him, and he smiled back at me easily.

‘Never say never, Dean. I never thought you’d ever say yes to him. Although, I never thought he’d buy a clue enough to ask you out in the first place.’ He saw my expression and rolled his eyes, answering before I could even ask what the hell. ‘Come on, Dean. Like you were ever going to ask him.’

‘You’re really annoying today. Becky’s rubbing off on you.’

‘There are worse things.’

‘Can you please leave? I don’t even know you right now.’

He laughed, but left the room, and I looked back at Cas. He can’t really want marriage, can he? Although, he was pretty fixated on it in that dream of his. He mentioned it once, when he found out about Becky and Sam, but that wasn’t … was he hinting? I’d wondered at the time, but it hadn’t seemed like it was such a big deal to him. When did that change?

I can’t do it though, however much Sam might think that it’s a viable option. Why would we need to? And besides, we’d only dated maybe two weeks before we broke up. We’ve been broken up for longer than we were together. And even if that wasn’t the case, I just don’t see what getting married has to do with anything. People get married when they don’t love each other all the time. If Cas thinks it’s the only way I can prove how I feel, then maybe we aren’t right for each other. And it feels like we are. I climbed off the bed and walked back over to the chair, watching him again, trying to ignore the monitor that told me his heart rate dropped again.

*

The days began to blur again, most of them consumed with watching Cas, wondering if in his dream he was still happy. If the dream version of me could treat him right. I hated that I had to watch him die without being able to just talk to him one last time, to find out what was going through his mind when he decided to wipe my memories every single day. To find out why he kissed Meg right in front of me, especially when it turned out the little Hell bitch was intentionally trying to sabotage us. To know why he never told me all that Vibeke stuff. I wanted to at least get to a good place with him before he went.

‘Where do you think he’ll go when he dies?’ Charlie asked at breakfast one morning. Sam bitchfaced at her, and Becky made this irritating squeaking sound, but I was grateful that she was thinking practically. I wanted a good explanation that I could cling on to, so when the inevitable happened, at least I’d know what would become of him.

‘I don’t know. Maybe we could do some research on fallen-angels-turned-human and what happens to them when their vessels die.’ I shrugged.

‘Dean,’ Sam was warning me not to be a dick. Well, you know what Sammy? He’s my boyfriend, it’s me people have to be sensitive to.

‘What, you’ve looked it up already? Because I was thinking Cas was one of a kind.’

Becky made that squeaking sound again, and Sam got up from his seat to hold her close. He shook his head at me, and I could see her trembling in his arms.

‘Oh, come on, Sam!’

‘What? He and Becky had a couple of good talks, she liked him. I know you’re just trying to deal with everything Dean, and that’s great for you, really, but you don’t have the monopoly on caring about Castiel.’

I looked at Charlie, hoping she would still have my back, but she looked ashamed of herself, pursing her lips inwardly and hanging her head, peeking up at Becky as she did. Oh, for fucks sake!

‘I’m trying to be practical here, Sam. I need to know where he’s going to go.’

‘Why?’

‘Why’d you think?’

He looked over Becky’s head at me, and I knew he could read my thoughts.

‘What if he ends up in Hell?

I shrugged, and tried to sound braver than I felt.

‘He came and got me from the pit once.’

‘You’re crazy, Dean. He got you from the pit because he was an angel, and he wasn’t alone. You’re a human, what could you do?’

‘I’d do a deal with Meg, or Crowley, or anyone. But I will get him back somehow.’ I promised.

‘There’s still time,’ Becky sniffed from Sam’s armpit, her voice clogged with tears. ‘He might still wake up.’

I closed my own eyes. I would love nothing more than for Cas to wake up and for us to be okay, but it’s becoming more and more unlikely.

‘I just don’t want to build my hopes up, Becky,’ I leaned forward, and stuffed a strip of bacon into my mouth. She wriggled out from under Sam’s hold, wiping her eyes, and standing up.

‘Well, I could never brave Hell, so I guess hope is all I have.’

Her eyes widened after she spoke, like she’d realised exactly who she was saying this to, and then she ran out of the room like she was scared I was going to start wailing on her.

‘She does know I’m not going to kick her ass, right?’

‘Oh, she knows.’ Sam nodded. I looked at him, and he shrugged back, his mouth turning way down at the sides. ‘I told her if you even so much as threatened her, I’d be there kicking your ass first.’

‘Wow.’

‘What?’

‘You. You’re like, Becky’s knight in flannel or something. You’re serious about her.’

‘So? You’re serious about Cas, however much you might wanna hide it.’

We glared at each other for a moment, totally ignoring Charlie down the other end of the table.

‘How serious are we talking here?’ I tried to calm down, and move out of douchebag territory.

‘I don’t know. I’m considering real estate.’

Oh, he’s so damn funny.

‘Are you considering real estate, Dean?’

‘Nothing wrong with a rental, Sammy.’

‘I guess. There’s security in real estate though, isn’t there?’

Charlie’s looking between us like we’ve both lost it, and I don’t have the energy to tell her what we really mean by real estate. I’m surprised that he’d go there, and so quickly too. And with Becky.

‘Haven’t you and Becky done the real estate thing before?’ I reminded him pointedly. He shook his head at me, rather than shooting another bitchface.

‘You know that’s not the same thing.’

‘What’s the big deal about real estate, guys?’ Charlie broke in to our conversation.

‘Nothing.’ Sam answered as I did. Charlie rolled her eyes, and poured herself another bowl of cereal.

‘I’ll say. The bunker is sweet, I wouldn’t sell it up.’

‘Well, it’s our legacy, that’s not going to happen.’ I assured her.

‘Guys?’ Becky’s voice floated in from just outside the kitchen. ‘Better cook some more food.’

It took me a second to work out what the hell she was talking about, where the hell she’d gone and come back from. I felt the hope buzzing around my chest as I got up and headed to the stove to cook, leaving my food to go cold. It wouldn’t matter, I heard the suppressed excitement. It had to mean one thing. The thing. Castiel was awake.


	23. Chapter 23

I listened hard to what was going on behind me as I cooked Cas breakfast. I wanted some gauge on how he was, on how he was feeling, without having to go there myself. I could feel myself starting to panic, a little. Did he remember what I said? Was he going to come clean about everything? Did he still want me?

And then I got pissed off with myself. I sounded like a dumbass. I needed to get to the bottom of why Cas acted like he did, and he was just going to have to suck it up.  
It was quiet behind me for ages, all I could hear was Charlie and Sam chewing their breakfast, and Becky fucking about with something. She finally spoke as the coffee machine gave up the drink I’d picked for Cas, and the last pancake was finishing up.

‘There you go. All better. I’ll change the dressing tonight, okay? And for now, you should probably eat.’

Cas had hurt himself? How? I plated up the final pancake, added some maple syrup and bacon for him, and grabbed the coffee, turning around and using the moment I put it down to scope out his injury.

All I could see was a little gauze taped over the spot where the IV had gone in. The idiot didn’t pull it out, did he? I looked away when I saw him turn his head, and headed back to my food. The eggs were cold, the bacon was covered in grease, but I tried not to care. I needed to buy some time to figure out what to say to him, how to go from being so broken to what we were meant to be. I don’t even know if we can do that, I guess it depends on whether he admits to anything.

He took forever to eat. I guess he’s not used to the concept, even though I could hear his stomach rumbling. The only time I’ve ever seen him eat before was when he was scarfing down burgers, maybe he was trying to figure out how a knife and fork worked. But he got there in the end, and I watched out the corner of my eye as he started chowing down. I know him too well, he has to be fighting back a foodgasm from the way he was shoving it in. If Sam, Becky and Charlie weren’t in the room, he’d let loose, groaning over how good they were. Maybe it’s a good thing he’s holding back, I couldn’t cope with sex noises right now, not from him.

My phone vibed in my pocket, and I pulled it out, finding a sloppy text from Garth. From what I could gather, he was either drunk and sexting me, or he was texting in a blind panic on a hunt gone wrong. I couldn’t guess with Garth. I texted back quickly, trying to feel the guy out a little, and hoping that if he was on a shitty hunt he’d call back. And if he was sexting me, I really hoped he’d go to sleep and then wake up with the mother of all hangovers and that shitty feeling you get when you realise you’ve gone to the wrong contact on your phone.

‘If you’re finished, you should wash up.’ I heard Charlie say loudly. I don’t trust Cas to do that right now, even with a stomach full of pancakes, he might still not be functioning right. Besides, he ruined his clothes trying to wash them, who would trust him to do the dishes? I stood up and grabbed them out of his hands before he could take a step away from the table.

‘How about we don’t have any broken plates?’

I sounded like a robot, trying to keep my emotions in check, but I could have easily kissed him and thrown his cup and plate to the floor, or laid him out with a hit to the head. I honestly didn’t know which one I wanted to do more. He followed me as I walked to the sink and turned the water on, adding a load of soap suds.

‘I want to help, Dean.’

Cas sounded like he wanted to cry. Did he even know what he was doing? And besides, the last time he tried to ‘help’, he ended up really hurting me. I still didn’t know what to say to him, I didn’t want to be a condescending ass and tell him to sit down so he didn’t hurt himself, I didn’t want to scream at him that he ruined us, I didn’t want to ask who was better, me or Meg. Or I wanted to do all those things, but knew I really shouldn’t. But I guess Castiel couldn’t tell that.

‘Dean?’

I don’t know what to do. I thought it would be so easy, when we finally got to do this, but it’s not. It’s been nearly four weeks of nothing between us, and the build up of hurt in that time … and besides, I keep picturing him in that house in his fantasy, the bewildered look on his face that kept going back to bland and placid. I didn’t think I’d be able to get through to him. Time seemed to stretch as I tried to figure out what I could do.

‘Hey, Charlie, did Becky show you that thing?’ Sam said out of the blue. It was so unsubtle. I turned off the tap and plunged my hands into the scalding, bubble-filled water.

‘Thing?’ Charlie didn’t get it. Yeah, Charlie, that thing where Sam tries to get you to leave the room because he thinks I’m not talking because you’re all there.  
Although, it would help without an audience.

‘Yeah, that thing.’ I could picture Sam’s expression so clearly as he spoke, the raised eyebrows, the head nod to the door, the look in his eyes that told Charlie she was an idiot. So long as he didn’t make another reference to real estate, I couldn’t love my brother any more than I did right then.

‘Oh, that thing! No, I haven’t shown Charlie. Come on.’ Becky joined in with that irritating enthusiasm, but right then I was grateful for it. Maybe she’s not so bad. I could tell Charlie just wanted to stay and watch the train wreck that was my love life, but I needed the break Sam and Becky were giving us. I turned and watched them leave the room, listening as they walked down the hallway where Charlie hissed her protests about not staying to watch the show, and as Sam declared, way too loudly, why it wasn’t a good idea.

‘Because they’re going to be so freaking awkward as it is, Charlie! And trust me, you don’t want to be around when the make up sex starts.’

Yeah, that kind of statement won’t make it awkward. And my brother knows me too well if he knows I’m looking forward to the make up sex. I haven’t had any for weeks, I need Cas. I could picture it, the way his body would tremble under mine, how it would arch when I touched him in the right places, how good and tight he would feel on my dick … I need to get away from this head place. I turned back to the dishes and focused all my energy on scrubbing everything clean. But I could still feel him, hovering by my shoulder, like he wanted to reach out and touch me but was way too scared. I concentrated hard on the dishes, even as he broke the silence with something completely unexpected.

‘How did you know, Dean? About the pancakes?’

How did I know what about the pancakes? That he’d like them? I told him he would’ve, way back when we first went out, told him he didn’t know what he was missing out on. And now he does. Cas wouldn’t shut up once he got started.

‘How did you know to put the blueberries in? You did in that other world, and you made the same drink, but it was even better here-‘

I didn’t do shit in “that other world”. Can’t he separate me from Husband Dean? I never even met his version of me, but he sounded like a dickbag. And I got pissed off again, remembering how different it was in Cas’ head, how little of me seemed to be in there. Like he didn’t care at all, and I was just some lame trophy.

‘It was a dream, Cas. Your dream. Don't hold me accountable for stuff you make up.’

He didn’t take the hint.

‘But I hadn't had either of them, and you still made them. That has to mean something.’

I didn’t understand what he was talking about, not completely. I searched the sink for something else to work at and came up empty, so I grabbed a dish towel instead. Anything to keep busy so I didn’t have to look at him. I guessed at what he was trying to get at.

‘I figured you'd girl up your coffee. If I could make the coffee machine make a mocha-choca-skinny-whatever-bullshit, you would've got that. And I told you about pancakes, our first date. Now you're human I figured I should make that right.’

Instead of being grateful for my hard work, he went off on another tangent. This one I got.

‘I don't remember discussing pancakes at paintball.’

‘I don't count paintball. I'm talking about going for breakfast the next day.’

I concentrated on drying up the plate slowly, wondering what he was thinking now. Maybe something like _hey, Dean, sorry I was such an ass_ , and then I’d be like, you were but we’ll deal, Cas.

‘How did you know I was human now?’

Was I not meant to know? I don’t want to have that conversation, I don’t want to hear about what he got up to with that demon.

‘How else would you have been caught up in that siren’s spell?’ I tried to make it sound like the logical conclusion, but I guess Cas was more with it than I’d anticipated.

‘Meg? You saw Meg? She told you-‘

‘Will you shut up?’ I hate the sound of her name, hate that I owe her for helping get rid of the siren, hate how she made it sound like she was doing me a big favour by backing off from him. I shoved his plate onto the drainer with so much force it almost cracked. He stepped away from me, flinching a little, like he was threatened by me.

‘Why can’t I talk about Meg? She’s my friend.’

Friend. That’s some grade A bullshit there. I pulled the plug on the sink and started drying my hands, taking forever to do it. I guess I have to swallow the fact that we do have to talk about Meg, since she was the one who gave us the heads up he was around. And since he’d given her a tongue bath at the carnival. Meg’s kind of important to getting back on track, as much as I hate that. I bet if she knew, she’d love that fact. I pointed towards the table, unable to say that we needed to talk. Luckily, Cas was on the ball enough that he got the hint and sank into the seat beside my one. I reclaimed my chair, leaning on the table, and staring at my hands.

‘Okay. Let’s talk Meg,’ I tried to sound businesslike. ‘So exactly how long did you leave it after I broke up with you before you went off with her?’

I didn’t expect a straight answer, which was lucky because I didn’t get one.

‘I got summoned to Heaven, not long after you went for a drive in the Impala-‘

‘I don’t need a run down of your life, Cas. I just want that answer.’ I interrupted. Has he not tortured me enough?

‘If you listen to the story, Dean, you’ll hear how I ended up with Meg, okay?’ He snarked back at me. Great, I get every detail of their oddball romance. He’s moved on quickly. ‘In Heaven, they stripped me of my grace, saying it was because of how I treated you, and then threw me back to earth. I think I ended up in Texas. I spent about three days just trying to get back to Becky’s house, hoping you would have gone back there, hoping I could explain everything and you’d at least listen, even if you never took me back. And her house was empty, but Meg showed up and said she’d been waiting for me, that she had a message for me.’

I didn’t think I could hear anymore. But when I went to ask him to stop, he just raised his voice.

‘I told her I wasn’t interested, okay Dean? But then she said she would help me get to you, she could just about work out where the bunker was. She offered me a ride, that’s all. We stopped at a motel halfway to here because she thought someone was running the plates on the car she stole, and we were going to share a room, but then I went for food and I thought I saw you and the next thing I know …’

He didn’t say anything else. He didn’t have to. I knew he was trying not to talk about the fantasy. I glared at the table top, trying to figure out what to do next, whether to trust him or not. I want to, and we won’t work unless I do, and Meg did say he was all up on me. But there’s still that nagging doubt that I don’t think he’s going to be able to talk away.

‘You um, you said that you’d fought the siren?’ Cas sounded nervous, like he could tell I was conflicted. ‘When I was under its spell, and you found a way to talk to me?’

Great, and now I have to admit that Meg helped to save him, because I couldn’t go to the place I needed so that I could kill the damn siren. I couldn’t kill him. I can’t live without him. I forced myself to answer, hoping he wouldn’t suddenly talk about how wonderful Meg was.

‘I said I rescued you from it.’

‘That’s the same thing, isn’t it?’

I wish I could see how Cas views the world, just to understand the guy. But I need to get off the whole _how the siren died_ bit and address the real stuff. Like how much he’s moved on from me.

‘So it took you a few days to hook up with her.’

‘I didn’t “hook up” with her, Dean. She offered to help me. She was trying to warn me about Vibeke encouraging the other angels to strip me of my powers. Like I said, she was being my friend. I’m not complaining about you spending time with Charlie.’

Of course she was. The little Hell bitch was probably loving how much she got to shit stir. Has Cas forgotten that they were working together? That Vibeke was helping to cover Meg’s demonic little ass? And I wish he would step off the Charlie hate. I knew she wasn’t crazy when she said she thought he hated her.

‘So you’re jealous of Charlie? Still?’ I forced out a fake laugh. ‘Well, you can relax, Castiel, because first off, she’s a lesbian and so far removed from being interested in me, and second because I never kissed her on one of our dates.’

That finally shut Cas up. It didn’t feel good to bring it up. I mean, I was relieved to get it off my chest, but I don’t want to hear that it was a good kiss, or he liked it, or any of that junk. I didn’t want him to pander to me either. I don’t know what I wanted by bringing it up, except to make the point that my friendship with Charlie was no way comparable to whatever was between him and Meg. I am tired of this argument.

‘I thought we cleared that up?’

Cleared it up? When he knew I wouldn’t remember anything about what actually happened and managed to make it all sound like an accident?

‘Right. Doesn’t really work when you were erasing all my memories and using it to your advantage. You made it sound like it was an innocent mistake, Cas. Not you making out with a demon while we were on a date. So no, your poor excuse for an apology doesn’t count.’

‘Dean-‘ He sounded tearful, but I couldn’t stop. This had been eating away at me for weeks. All I could think of while he was trapped in his own head was all the stuff that had gone on between us. I had spent weeks wondering if we would ever get past it.

‘I was trying to win a stupid toy for you, Cas. I had to work the carnie to win that for you, because you made it seem like such a big deal to have one. And I turned around and you’re tongue deep in Meg.’

‘I never asked her to, okay? She kept saying you weren’t interested, you were going through the motions, and she could help. And I told her to go away, and she did it anyway. And okay, I didn’t push her away straight away, she took me by surprise, but I did when I could, and you’d already walked away. You didn’t let me explain-‘

‘So you wipe my memory?’ I pointed out. He sniffed, and ploughed on. I should’ve said something more, should’ve reminded him about making out on the ghost train and keeping his hand on my ass when we were crossing the fairground. I was interested. I was the one pushing for contact, he was the one not getting it. I fucking hate Meg.

‘I panicked, Dean. You left me alone in that carnival, you didn’t ask questions, you didn’t even try to find out what had happened. You just made the assumption I was cheating on you. And the guilt that I didn’t push Meg off straight away was eating me up, that’s why I apologised, even if you didn’t remember it happening.’ He lifted a hand, I could see out the corner of my eye, and wiped his face. Is he actually crying? ‘Why would I fight so hard to be with you just to throw it all away like that?’

He kept rubbing at his face, and I knew he was crying. Shit. I didn’t want to make him cry, I just wanted to get everything sorted out between us. I don’t want it swept under the rug to bother us years down the line. And I guess he had a point, he did have to talk me around into going out with him, and then he had to convince me it was a good idea. But he got me there, and he got me hard, and I don’t know why he can’t see that. I tried to soften my approach, and see if I could swallow some of my pride and just look at him. I guess I just knew that when I looked at him, I would be all about sucking face and I would let it go under the rug.

‘Why did you wipe my memories, anyway?’ I hoped I sounded a little less mean. ‘That’s what I don’t get.’

‘I was being selfish,’ He said under his breath. I don’t get it, does he mean so he could have all my memories too? I mean, yeah it was a dick move, but selfish?

‘That doesn’t make sense.’ I finally looked at him, and could see him kneading his eyes with the base of his hands. He’s so freaking innocent, isn’t he? I mean, he thinks he can act like a grown up human but really, he’s just … naive. I need to remember that more. I reached up and took his hands, lowering them until I had them on his knees. And then I made myself look at his face, but he wasn’t looking at me. He was staring down, at our hands still clasped together. I started stroking my thumbs across the backs of his hands, trying to let him know this was the worst of it, and it was almost over. Or so I hoped, unless he had any more skeletons in the closet. ‘Look, Cas, you get why I need to ask this stuff don’t you? Why I’m angry? You’re an angel, you gotta know right from wrong.’

He carried on looking at our hands, not giving me a chance to read the expression on his face.

‘I do, Dean. I knew it wasn’t a great solution, but it made sense at the time.’

‘I still don’t get it.’

He finally looked up at me, and it was like the first time in forever since we tried to communicate with just our eyes. Why had it been so long? Longer than since we broke up. Had it been since we started dating? I missed it. He bit his lip, and I had to fight not to lick mine. I needed to remember that this was not just about sex, and wanting it with Cas. It was about so much more than that. I needed to keep my distance for just a little while longer.

‘Do you remember, just after you agreed to go out with me, when you were telling me about past dates you’d had so we could work out what we were going to do?’ He finally started talking. I nodded, wondering where this was going to go. Maybe I’d joked that there were some dates I wished I could forget, or some dumb comment like that he’s taken too literally. ‘Do you remember me saying that I wanted to do something similar to what you were describing one time, and your response was to ask me how many dates I was expecting.’

Yes, I remember this. I remember being so freaked out by what he was even suggesting that I couldn’t wrap my head around the commitment he clearly wanted as well. I just needed to give myself some breathing space. I don’t think Cas is aware of how intense he can get.

‘And I turned it around on you, because I knew I couldn’t cap it, I didn’t want to lose you once I got you, but I think that scared you. So I gave you the control. But I guess no answer was going to be good enough, because there would be a limit no matter what. Still, Dean … did you have to say only one date?’

Did I say one date? I think I did, but in a different context. He was still talking.

‘I know it was selfish of me, I know I should have talked with you more, but I’d worked so hard to even to get you to agree to that one date, I didn’t know how to get you to agree to any more. I thought it was the best solution, I’d get all the dates I wanted, and you still got your one. But then it didn’t go so well, because I kept wanting more and every time we started again, I hated myself for doing it. But I couldn’t stop, because what if the day I did was the day you didn’t want me any more?’

It was one date at a time. That was my rule. No promises for a finite amount. The bunker began to shake, and I heard the telltale high-pitched screech of an angel making an entrance. It was fucking agony.

‘Dean?’

He sounded scared, and looked completely baffled. Guess he’s never really been at the receiving end of one of his brothers or sisters making an entrance like this.

‘Angels, its angels. Cover your eyes.’

He didn’t argue with the command, and it felt so good that he trusted me on this. I pulled him towards me, using the fact we were holding hands, and then I let go to cover his ears, and my own, as well as I could. I had my arm wrapped around his head, my face pressed into his shoulder, and all I could smell was him as I wondered what on earth the featherbrains would want this time. They’d taken his grace, wasn’t that enough? Unless they were there to restore it, I was kicking angel ass. He held me tightly, and I wished it was for some other reason than a visit from his family. They have lousy timing. We weren’t done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I don't comment much on these posts. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who reads, or gives kudos, or posts a comment. I feel like I've grown a lot as a writer doing this story, and its counterpart, and I really hope you've all enjoyed reading it. There's only a few chapters left, but I am planning on a few connected one shots too.


	24. Chapter 24

The room stopped shaking, the noise stopped, and the bright lights went out, but I still didn’t unwrap myself from Cas. I could feel his breath, hot on my neck, could feel his heart slamming double time in his chest, could feel him shaking against me. Like he was suddenly scared of whichever angels had arrived. I twisted my neck, trying to look for them, and saw that Vibeke chick, and another chick. Both of them were staring at us, like they were waiting for something. I don’t know what, but I knew I wasn’t going to let Cas go just then.

‘Castiel,’ the angel I didn’t know greeted him, even with his face still buried in my shoulder. Maybe she was hoping he’d acknowledge her, but I guessed he wouldn’t. I also guessed that there was more he needed to tell me about what happened last time he was in Heaven, but I tried not to get pissed off. Maybe he was going to bring it up at some point and we just got interrupted? I hoped, anyway. He clung tighter to my shirt when the unnamed angel spoke, and I’m pretty sure he made some kind of hurt animal sound.

‘I don’t think he wants to talk right now.’ I growled, and turned around, giving him a small squeeze, trying to let him know it was okay, that I was there for him.

‘This is not your business, Winchester.’

‘If it involves Cas, it’s all my business.’ I said into his shoulder.

‘Fine. Castiel, your time limit has expired. You haven’t completed the task at hand. Let go of the human and come here.’

‘Who is this chick?’ I muttered to him, knowing they could hear well enough anyway. Stupid angel hearing.

‘My name is Naomi.’ She answered for him. He clung even tighter, his nails digging into my back. ‘Castiel, I’m waiting.’

‘Well, you’re going to keep waiting sweetheart, he’s not going anywhere.’ I gave him another squeeze. ‘What was this timed task about, anyway?’

That Vibeke chick laughed, and I wanted to gank her so bad. Can’t she see that she makes him miserable?

‘So this is the perfect relationship you screwed Heaven over for? You don’t even talk to each other?’

I didn’t bother answering. I can totally believe that Cas referred to our relationship as perfect. It’s like his favourite word. Instead, I shuffled Cas around until I was looking at Naomi, worrying a little that I was exposing Cas to them. I didn’t trust them.

‘Naomi?’

‘Castiel was given a month to salvage your relationship.’

I wasn’t expecting that. What do the angels care about whether we’re boning or not?

‘And?’ I pushed, buying myself some thinking time.

‘And?’ Naomi sounded puzzled.

‘You said he failed. Even though time’s not up and it’s not like it’s any of your goddamn business. So what’s the punishment? He becomes your lapdog, huh?’

‘The time limit has lapsed.’

‘It’s not been a month. We have about three days left.’ Under my breath, so only Cas could hear, I muttered, ‘Angels are dicks.’

His heart was still racing, his fingers were digging in painfully. I get that he was scared, but did he think I wasn’t going to fight for him, for us?

‘And besides,’ I could feel myself getting worked up. ‘Do we look like we’re not together? Do we look like there’s not something there? Not like it’s anything to do with you.’

‘Are you saying you’re back together?’ Naomi sounded puzzled. I wondered if she could read our minds.

‘I’m saying we had a fight. I’m not going to be threatened by freaking angels every time we don’t see eye-to-eye. I’m not going to act differently just because that one over there,’ I nodded over at Vibeke, ‘can’t let him go. Was this her idea, huh?’

They swapped a look, which basically confirmed my suspicions.

‘Well, fine. You stand over there, I’ll go to that corner,’ I nodded to the other side of the room. ‘And we’ll call him over like a puppy dog. Whoever he chooses, wins.   
But I tell you now, you son of a bitch, he’s not letting go.’

They swapped another look.

‘So, anyway, there’s still three days, bye.’

‘Three weeks,’ Cas whispered. ‘We still have three weeks.’

It’s the first thing he’d said since they appeared. Time must have passed differently in his little fantasy, and though I would love to point out to him how un-fun it is to learn that you’ve lost time everyone else has been lucky to have kept track of, it really wasn’t appropriate.

‘We don’t, Cas.’ I whispered, and then looked up at Naomi again.

‘You never said what the punishment was.’

‘Castiel will be terminated.’

No. No fucking way.

‘Because we had one fight?’

‘I don’t think you fully understand, Dean.’ Naomi looked like she felt sorry for me.

‘Uh-uh, no way. He’s mine. And we’re not going to jump every time Heaven says so. You took his grace, that should be all the punishment he needs. There’s no way in Hell that I’m letting you take him from me. You know what this is? This is her being jealous, that Cas doesn’t look at her the way he looks at me. That he puts me first. That whatever I feel about him, I know he feels the same way. And she wants that, and she’s a psycho bitch.’

Cas shifted on my shoulder, and I knew he was peeking over my collar to look at me. I stared straight at Naomi.

‘Angels aren’t capable of jealousy. And now that Castiel is human, their betrothal is void. Although that may not matter soon.’

‘ _May_ not matter?’

‘Are you being honest with your intentions regarding Castiel?’ Her eyes flickered across my face.

‘No, he’s not. They were fighting as we came. We both heard them!’ Vibeke whined. Her voice was like nails on a chalkboard, no wonder Cas had zero interest.

‘I love him, okay? And we weren’t fighting,’ I rolled my eyes. ‘We were making up. Kinda funny how you just appeared now, when we were getting back on track, time limits be damned. What is it, if you can’t have him, no one can?’

I glared at her, bringing a hand up to hold the back of his head, playing with his hair. He was shaking again.

‘Vibeke … is this true?’ Naomi sounded uncertain.

‘Of course it’s not true. It’s typical of a human to suspect something like that. I am merely seeing my job through, Naomi.’

Naomi looked between Vibeke and me like she was at a tennis match. I pulled Cas even closer, so we were tightly pressed against one another. There was no way I would let them anywhere near him. They’d have to kill me first.

‘Vibeke, we will discuss your behaviour in due course,’ Naomi said eventually. ‘Maybe your promotion was too advanced for your skill level. As for you, Castiel, I’m choosing to believe your human. You may live, but you cannot have your grace back, that punishment is still in effect.’

I felt his shoulders relax, his whole body slumping with relief. I want to know what he’s thinking. He twisted around in my arms, as much as he could considering that I was still clinging to him, and finally spoke to Naomi.

‘Thank you.’

‘Don’t waste your opportunity, Castiel.’

‘Hey, one more thing!’ I barked. ‘Cas and me, we’re not always going to see eye-to-eye. It happens. But I am not spending the rest of my life with angel dickbags breathing down my neck making sure that we have a relationship you agree with. We can’t live with you holding a fucking sword over our heads, ready to drop it because one of us messed up. Heaven stops interfering, right?’

Naomi cocked her head to one side the way Cas does sometimes. Like a family trait. And then she straightened up, and nodded.

‘Agreed. As far as your relationship is concerned, there will be no interference from us. As to the state of Castiel’s grace, we will be monitoring him.’

I looked at Cas, who wouldn’t quite meet my eye.

‘That also seems fair. Thank you, Naomi.’

‘Naomi, please reconsider, what they’ve done-‘

Naomi looked pissed off as she looked at Vibeke again. Like seriously, there were daggers in her eyes.

‘Vibeke, return to Heaven. Now. I need to give you an appraisal.’

Vibeke turned to us, and I pulled Cas close to me again, lifting my chin up in a way that was meant to challenge her. She made to move towards us, and then she and Naomi disappeared. And then I was stood there, my arms around Cas, wondering what Vibeke was about to do without Naomi’s intervention.

‘Are they gone?’ Cas asked quietly.

‘Yeah. Sure looks like it. Naomi’s probably cutting Vibeke a new one in Heaven right now.’

He didn’t laugh. He didn’t anything. Why was he so off on reacting?

‘Well, thank you, Dean. You were … you did well. Thank you for lying so convincingly.’

Lying? What the hell is he talking about? I tilted my head back, moved his where my hand was still on the back of his neck, and waited until he finally looked at me.

‘Where was I lying?’

He frowned, like this was some trick I was pulling on him.

‘Why would you think I was lying?’

He licked his lips, and I watched the progress of his tongue, before looking back into his eyes. They’re so blue. Like, really, really blue.

‘You … you weren’t?’

I shook my head slowly, not breaking the eye contact again.

‘Meant every word, Cas. But we still have some issues to sort through before I’m comfortable with us again, okay?’

‘Anything, Dean.’

Yeah, that’s kind of one of my issues.

‘Uh-huh. It was one at a time.’

‘Our issues?’

‘Our dates. I said one at a time, Cas. You were putting so much pressure on me to go out with you, and I’d okayed that even though I was totally freaked out and not really sure what we were even talking about, and you wanted definite answers to questions I wasn’t ready to think about. I panicked, but I thought that was a pretty good answer, you know? I thought it would take the pressure off. I thought you understood what I meant.’

‘I do, Dean. One date.’

‘Yeah, Cas. I guaranteed you one date. I didn’t say I wouldn’t consider any more. It was a see-how-we-go-thing, a we-could-be-friends-if-it-doesn’t-work-out thing. You know, if you didn’t get it, you could’ve asked me to explain it better.’

He frowned, and I would have put money on it that he didn’t understand me still.

‘Look, Cas, what if I’d given you a number? What if I’d said ten dates? And then we get to number ten and we both wanted more, would you do the same thing? Or what if I said five dates, and we both realised on date number two that it just wasn’t going to work out? Would you have made me go through with the rest of them? Cas, I gave the best answer I could, okay? And like you said, no answer was ever going to be good enough. I did my best.’

‘I never thought of it like that. I guess I got caught up in the idea that I might have you. When did … when did you know you wanted more than the first date?’

He’s lucky I’m forgiving him for not realising what I meant. I looked down at his mouth again, and back up into his eyes. He was so close.

‘When we were making out in the Impala, that first time. It just felt like we worked, you know? Do you remember what I said to you then?’

He scrunched up his eyebrows as he thought.

‘All in good time?’

I couldn’t help but give him a skeptical look over that. He does know he contradicted himself, right?

‘I said we had all the time in the world. That you don’t agree to going out with your best friend without knowing it’s probably going to be long term. Cas, I said that on our first date. And when have I ever gone back on that, or said I didn’t want anything?’

He carried on frowning, hopefully thinking it over.

‘I still want you, Cas. I didn’t break up with you because I didn’t want you. I was hurt. I mean, we’d just had a great time together, and all this crap came out.’

‘You really want to get back together?’

I looked purposefully down, at our bodies pressed close together, and then back into his eyes.

‘Cas, you suck at reading signals.’

‘Is that one of our issues?’

I leaned my forehead against his, closing my eyes and groaning as I did so.

‘Sometimes,’ I made myself answer.

‘I can’t tell what you’re thinking right now,’ he whispered. I could feel his breath on my face. I’ve missed it so much.

‘You know how you find out, Cas?’ I moved my other hand, sliding up his body until I was cupping his face. ‘You ask me. Because if you haven’t noticed already, I’ve given you everything you’ve asked for. I’ll give you anything I can, Cas.’

‘I want to give you what you want too, Dean.’

I opened my eyes, looking straight into his.

‘Does that mean you’ll stop calling things perfect? Like me, and our relationship? I can’t live up to perfect, Cas.’

‘You’re perfect to me.’ He made it sound so simple. I groaned.

‘Cas, it’s just more pressure.’

‘Sorry. What else, Dean?’

I looked away from his eyes, embarrassed to bring it up. But I know I need to.

‘Just … your fantasy, the one we were married in? Is that what you want? You want to be married in some suburban place with a plastic version of me?’

‘It was a happy version of you. And I can take or leave being married. What I liked most in there was how we were together. I understood you, you knew me, it was … it was …’

He’s trying not to say the word perfect.

‘It was how you wanted us to be?’

‘Yes! I know you’re still going to hunt, and you still want to live in the bunker, but all that was just details. It was how we were that mattered.’

I couldn’t hold back any more, I searched for his mouth with my own and kissed him, knowing half of the stuff I might have wanted to say was gone now. But that was okay, because I didn’t want to sit there and point score. I just wanted us on the same page.

‘We want the same things, Cas,’ I promised, teasing his bottom lip with my teeth. ‘The big things, anyway.’

‘There are other things I want, Dean,’ he sounded nervous.

‘Mmmmm.’

‘I don’t always want to have sex with you. Sometimes I just want to know you love me. I- you did say that, didn’t you? That you love me?’

I stopped trying to kiss him, and looked into his eyes again, trying to fight the jolt in my stomach when he looked back, eyes blinking innocently. It’s different from the other two times I’ve said it, when I said it in desperation that he’d come back to me or trying to prove a point to Naomi. He must know exactly how much effort this is taking me.

‘Yes, Cas,’ I swallowed around the lump in my throat. ‘I love you.’

He grinned at me, cuddling closer and tucking his head under my chin. I closed my eyes and fought the tears that stupidly threatened at that point.

‘I love you too, Dean.’

‘I know.’ Okay, that was a dick thing to say, but I couldn’t think properly. I’d just said it to him. The love thing. ‘Cas-‘

‘I know. But once in a while will be good enough.’

Shit, what do I say to something like that? I didn’t need to think too hard about how to answer anyway.

‘What’s up, bitches?’ Charlie swanned into the room, grinning at me and heading over to the coffee machine, then jumping up onto the counter so she could sit there while everything percolated.

‘Charlie,’ my voice was low, a warning to fuck off.

‘Want some coffee? Hey, so you guys are all made up now, huh? Everything cool between you?’

I glared at her, and she grinned back, which made me wonder how long she’d been in the hallway, listening in. It was definitely a smile that told me she’d heard me tell Cas I love him. It’s one thing having Sam know that, it’s another thing having Charlie or Becky knowing. I nuzzled close to Cas’ ear.

‘Wanna go to our room?’

He nodded, and somehow we let go of each other, my entire body feeling cold without his there. I grabbed at his hand and he curled his fingers around mine, letting me lead him out the room.

‘Oh, come on guys, I wanna talk. It’s not easy being the fifth wheel, you know.’

I’m pretty sure she was saying it for Sam and Becky’s benefit, so they could leave the hallway and pretend they were never eavesdropping. Shit, have they all been listening in since the beginning?

‘So go pick up some chick,’ I shrugged, determined not to have Charlie derail me and Cas right then.

‘Can I come with you guys?’

‘No!’ We answered together. I squeezed Cas’ fingers, tugging him along with me, and after a moment, he squeezed back. No one was out in the hallway, and as I pulled Cas along I listened carefully for any sign of Sam and Becky. He squeezed my fingers again as we came to our room, where he’d left the door ajar. I didn’t look at him on purpose as we walked into the room. The bed seemed huge, suddenly, like it took up all the space, demanding me to throw him on there and put my mouth anywhere he would let me. I was just about with it enough to notice that at some point someone, probably Becky, had taken away all the medical stuff we’d had to keep him alive. Like she knew it would put us in a bad place to see it.

‘Dean?’ Cas’ voice was low, quiet, like he was realising the gravity of the situation we’d just walked ourselves into. ‘What’re you thinking about right now?’  
I went with the thought I’d had before I spoke, and not the one that occurred to me when he broke the silence. I didn’t think he’d appreciate my musing on whether he’d okay make up sex.

‘I was thinking that every now and then, it surprises me, the way Becky’s changed. I don’t mean the Becky we first saw at her place, I mean the Becky that’s been around since she and Sam started going out. I don’t know, maybe she’s supposed to be with Sam.’

I looked at him, and he smiled, then closed the door behind us, trapping us on the edge of the giant bed. Maybe I should sit in the chair, so he knows I did just want to talk some more? I forced myself to think of a topic.

‘So, how’s being human?’

‘Filthy. And slow. And I’m finding that I can’t remember large patches of the days like I used to. I could remember everything, Dean, and now it’s a strain,’ he sounded upset, but then he shook himself. ‘But I’ll learn to cope.’

‘Don’t be a martyr, Cas. It’s a big change.’

He nodded.

‘It is, and I’m not pretending it’s not hard, but the pay-off is worth it.’

He grinned at me, and I knew I was the pay-off. Well, I knew that anyway, from what Naomi had basically said, but when he smiled? I got how much that meant to him. I can’t cope much longer.

‘Cas? I know you don’t want to have sex, but um-‘

‘That’s not what I said,’ he interrupted quickly. ‘I like sex Dean. Or at least, I’ve enjoyed it with you. I just don’t want our relationship to be entirely about sex, that’s all.’

‘Cas, it’s never been about just sex.’

He just looked at me, his eyes burning into mine, and the room seemed to shrink again, until there was just him, just his hooded eyes looking at me like they could see everything in my head, and his full lips that feel so good against mine, and that sexy quaff of hair and-

I was upon him before I’d even registered that I’d moved, bearing down on him as though he was much shorter than me, and not once did he break eye contact. He’s so goddamn hot when he smoulders at me like that. I grabbed his chin, trying to be gentle and knowing I was failing miserably because I had nearly four weeks of lust and emotion bottling up inside.

‘Dean?’ He whispered before I could kiss him. Somehow I managed not to press on, but waited for him to speak. ‘Could you, um, could you kiss me like you drink a beer?’

What? That made me lean away for a second.

‘How do you mean?’

‘When you’re drinking out of a beer bottle, you do it a certain way, and I just, I always wondered … what it felt like.’

I have no clue what he’s saying about.

‘I don’t know what you mean, Cas.’

‘Just pretend I’m a bottle of beer and you’re going to drink me.’

Oh God, the way his voice ground out _drink me_ is doing all kind of stuff to me. My stomach’s fizzing, my dick is rock hard, and I can’t resist him anymore. I can’t. I did my best to give him what he was asking for, but I had no idea if it was right or not. What was he expecting? I pressed my mouth against his, sliding my tongue in between his lips, and I felt him relaxing under my grip. Now what? I tried to picture myself with a beer in hand, knocking it back. Trying to think beyond the taste of the beer, or the coolness of the liquid, to what came naturally. I think I opened his lips wider with my own, licking up into the roof of his mouth, trying to taste every part of him. I probably had it all wrong, but it was hard to think past the fact that we were back on, that he was mine again. And he was kissing me back pretty happily, or so it felt like, so at least he was enjoying it. I broke away eventually.

‘Cas? We’re going to have make up sex, right?’

He seemed dazed as he looked back at me.

‘Think we just did.’

It made my chest burn, hearing him say that.

‘We’ve barely started,’ I promised him, kissing down his neck. He arched his head back, groaning loudly as I pressed my lips against his Adam’s apple. I’m not going to last long with him, not this time.

‘You know what?’ Cas whispered as I worked a giant hickey onto his neck, partly because he couldn’t angel magic the crap out of this one. ‘You say a lot with your kisses.’

‘Mmmm,’ I was way too pre-occupied with the taste of his skin, of finally being able to touch him again, instead of just watching him and wishing.

‘You do. It’s like an entire language. It’s why I left the fantasy. That kiss was …’

I left his neck alone, looking at him without knowing what to say. My goodbye kiss? That was what convinced him?

‘As pleasant as the marriage was, Dean, it was nothing like that. And then things seemed to fall apart once you’d gone. I told him about that kiss and he wasn’t- he didn’t … he called me a slut.’

Cas sounded sad about that, and I felt bad for him, I did, but this conversation was awkward, and I couldn’t help but at least feel a little smug that I’d never treat Cas like that.

‘You’re not a slut, Cas.’

I resumed kissing his neck, playing with the hem of his shirt while I did, and he shivered as my fingertips grazed his skin.

‘Okay, my powers would be great right now, to just zap off our clothes and get in the bed.’

Cas sounded wistful, and I laughed into his throat.

‘I’m so glad you can’t cheat any more,’ I pulled away, and yanked his shirt off, staring at his skinny, taut frame. ‘Let’s see how long you last without your powers.’

And then I pushed him onto the bed, grabbed up his feet, and pulled off the pyjama pants, not realising that he wasn’t wearing underwear. He was standing to attention, completely naked, sprawled on our bed, watching me with those heavy-lidded eyes. I pulled my own clothes off as quickly as possible, hampered a little by my boots, and then I was climbing on him, feeling him shivering underneath me as our skin made contact. He groaned loudly, and I made a mental note to soundproof our room.

‘Dean?’ He whispered before I could resume turning his neck purple.

‘Mmmmm,’ I lowered myself until I could reach just below his chin line.

‘I can ask for anything, right?’

‘Mmmmm, but please ask for an orgasm right now, because I’m already pretty close.’

He must be able to feel my dick pressing into him, rubbing against his own erection, both of them feeling painfully hard.

‘Can I top? You always do. I know we’ve tried before, and last time you struggled, but in that fantasy, I did top, and we both liked it, and I think you’d like it with me, at least.’

I groaned myself, but in frustration rather than excitement, and buried my head into his collarbone.

‘Please, Cas, not now.’

‘Why not now? I’ve tried to understand where you’re coming from on this Dean, but I can’t. I’m your first boyfriend, but I’m not the first guy you’ve been with?’

‘You’re killing the _we just made up, lets have crazy sex_ mood.’ I tried to let him know how much I didn’t want this conversation with just the tone of my voice.

‘I’m not trying to do that, and I don’t want to fall out already, I just want to understand.’

I went right back to kissing his neck, hoping he’d find it so earth-shatteringly wonderful that he’d forget this line of conversation.

‘Okay, so these kisses are the I’m-avoiding-the-topic variety,’ he mused. I bit him, and he yelped, before carrying on. ‘So I have to work out why you’re avoiding it. And don’t bite me just because I got it right. It’s not linked to your father, is it?’

And the mood is officially killed. I left his neck alone and climbed off him, pulling my clothes back on.

‘Dean?’

‘I don’t want to talk about it.’

‘Did he get to Sam too?’

What?

‘No. My dad’s got nothing to do with it. Almost nothing.’ I sat on the edge of the bed, and felt him scoot towards me. I passed him up his clothes.

‘Please, tell me. It’s what I’m here for, right?’ He pulled on the clothes awkwardly, unused to just zapping them on. I sighed, knowing he wasn’t going to let the matter drop.

‘Look, I’ve done a lot of things I’m not proud of, Cas. But some things I just had to do. Like earning the money to help Sam get through Stanford. He never asked where the money came from, I think he thought it was a grant, maybe. But I could only get so many fake credit cards, lose so many poker games, behind Dad’s back anyway. It was easy money, you know?’

I didn’t dare look at him, not while I was confessing to this stuff.

‘Women don’t really pay for sex, surprisingly. Or maybe I needed to go to an agency and end up on some Fed book somewhere and ruin the real job. Whatever. I just wanted to help Sammy, even when he ditched us, when he ditched me. He has no idea, and you can’t tell him, okay? But when someone’s paying you for sex, you don’t call the shots so,’ I shrugged, and kneaded my thigh with my fist, and he sat behind me, soothing my shoulders.

‘I’m sorry, Dean.’

‘Uh-huh.’

‘If I still had my powers, I’d take all those memo-‘

‘Don’t even go there. Learn from this, Cas.’

I hoped he was nodding behind me.

‘I just want to look after you, Dean.’

I felt him kiss the back of my head softly, and somehow I was leaning back in his arms as he kissed my face over and over, his arms still around my shoulders.

‘You’re looking after me right now,’ I promised him. He nodded.

‘It can be a litmus test for us, maybe? When you really trust me again, when you’re ready to put it all behind you, then you’d let me try?’

He was phrasing it as a question, giving me the chance to say no. And I wanted to, but I could see how hard he was trying for me right then. How much he wanted everything right between us. And I had said he could ask me for anything. Even if I’d told him I’d do my best to deliver it, that didn’t mean a hundred percent success rate, but it did mean we’d both make the effort.

‘Yes.’

He smiled sadly, and kissed my forehead again.


	25. Chapter 25

Cas carried on kissing my face, like he couldn’t believe he got to do it again. It kind of helped me calm down, and then all I could think of was how hard my junk was, how much I wanted to go back to just before he opened his big mouth and carry on fooling around. I was just worried that I’d give the guy whiplash, he doesn’t understand me well at the best of times. But then he started babbling again, and I wished he wouldn’t. His voice does things to me, and I’m already trying to fight off my hard-on. And sometimes the things he says are just … I wish he wouldn’t.

‘Dean, I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to start another argument. I’ve missed you so much, and I guess I was so happy that you actually wanted me back that I didn’t even think-‘

I shut him up by kissing him, hoping that was a language he understood. I never thought I’d be okay with another guy’s stubble scratching my face, but I barely even notice it with him. Or maybe it’s not as bad as I was worried it would be. Or I forget about it because of the way he kisses me, like I’m the only thing that matters, like there’s nothing more he wants than me. It’s like a drug. But even that didn’t seem to work.

‘Did I really lose three weeks of this?’ He whispered. Why does he want to talk so much?

‘Yuh-huh.’

‘But that doesn’t make any sense, I was only gone-‘

‘Cas, stop talking.’ I pressed my mouth against his harder, stuck my tongue in so far I was sure I’d find his pancakes. Even that didn’t work.

‘I’m just so happy we’re back together,’ he explained as soon as he could grab a moment. ‘I still can’t believe you said you love me.’

Oh geez.

‘Do I have to make you stop talking?’ I asked him. I don’t think he was even listening.

‘I mean, I’ve hoped you would, so many times, and you never did, and now-‘

I let go of him, and pushed him back on the bed, grabbing at the shirt he’d just put back on, and yanking it back off of him. And then I stuffed it in his mouth. He looked surprised, and tried to pull it back out. I held it in.

‘Don’t make me get the handcuffs.’

He raised an eyebrow, challenging me, and then tried to pull it out again. I climbed off him, and grabbed the handcuffs from the drawer I’d put all our supplies in, going back to the bed and moving him over to the headboard, cuffing him there and making sure the shirt was firmly in his mouth.

‘Can you breathe?’ I checked. He nodded, his eyes huge. ‘Okay … okay … do you trust me, Cas?’

The look in his eyes told me that yes, he trusted me, more than anything else. I think he’d let me do anything, even if it hurt, even if he didn’t like it, just to make me happy. I mean, I’m not going to mess him around, I just know that’s where he’s at.

‘I’m not going to do anything weird, okay Cas?’

He tried speaking through the shirt, and I shook my head.

‘Nope, no talking. Just nod and shake your head, okay?’

He nodded.

‘Good. Do you want me to suck your dick?’

He frowned as he nodded, and I knew he was thinking I phrased it badly.

‘Want me to fuck you afterwards?’

He was still frowning as he nodded again.

‘I don’t wanna do anything you don’t want me to do, Cas. Are you sure its fine?’

He nodded again, still frowning. I pushed two fingers against his eyebrow, trying to smooth them out.

‘It’s going to be okay, Cas,’ I promised, and started kissing his neck, the other side from where I’d been before. It was already bruising, and I knew he’d freak out once he noticed. I didn’t spend long there this time, because my dick was still hard, still aching for him. From the way his pyjama pants were sticking up, he was in pretty much the same situation. I started kissing down his chest, feeling him shaking underneath me, even as he started writhing, like he didn’t even know how to react. I’d barely done anything.

I went back to concentrating on his body, on holding his waist as I reached a nipple, licking at it, grazing my teeth over it, feeling him bucking underneath me, listening as he couldn’t help but moan through the shirt stuffed in his mouth. I sucked hard on his nipple, just to see his reaction. He started pulling at the handcuffs, like he was trying to break them off the bed, so he could free his hands and … I don’t know what. But I do get why he likes tying me up, I kinda feel powerful, knowing I’m calling the shots to get him off. It’s getting me off a little, too. I licked down from his chest, over his stomach, running my hands down his sides as I did, sliding his pyjama pants down as smoothly as I could and heading straight for his dick. He was already thrusting like I was there, going to town on him, and I knew he was pretty close to coming.

I didn’t want to rush this, but I didn’t want him coming early and missing out on the good stuff either. I stopped touching him, waiting for him to calm down a little, just to buy us some more time. He moaned pitifully, but stopped thrashing around. He looked down at me, his shirt spilling out of his mouth, and I smiled. He frowned again.

‘I told you before, Cas, all in good time.’

He started mumbling something at me, and I propped myself way up off him.

‘Uh-uh, no talking. Like that time in the Impala. I’ll have to think of some kind of punishment if you keep trying to talk.’

He shivered underneath me, but made no more noise. I slowly lowered myself until I was just below his cock, and started sucking on the skin of his upper thigh, teasing it with my teeth, getting used to the taste of him again. He’s going to be completely covered in hickeys by the time I’m done with him.

I got completely lost in him, in finally being able to do this after three weeks of non-stop worrying, and I lost some of my self-control, licking up over his balls and along his dick, sucking gently on his head and listening to those little whimpers he makes, and then I was slipping right down, his junk in my mouth, that salty-sweet taste of his skin and his cum everywhere in my mouth. I stopped trying to control it, trusting his body to work with my mouth, the bed creaking loudly as he moved. He grunted in frustration, and I knew he wanted to shove my head further onto him, but the handcuffs were stopping him. It’s a suckers bet, but I’d put money on him wishing he had his powers to get some control back. I can barely control myself either, so he’s just going to have to deal.

I grabbed onto his ass, trying to get some sense back, to make this last us longer. I wanted us to last longer, but apparently he had other ideas, because my mouth was suddenly filling with liquid, and he was relaxing underneath me, and I had to fight my automatic response of swallowing. We had no lube, I hadn’t left his side long enough to get some, hadn’t known he was going to wake up. I pulled my mouth away slightly, just enough for some of it to trickle out, fighting off the need to gag as I did, and then I swallowed hard, unable to resist it any more. He was spread on the bed, looking totally fucked, and I hoped he hadn’t forgotten the rest of what I’d promised. I laid my head on his hipbone, turning occasionally to kiss the softer skin there, while I started working the cum-and-spit mix into him with my fingers, prepping him for what was going to come.

I took my time, slowly curling my fingers into him, leaning down heavily so he didn’t buck up too high, sliding back up the bed, kissing along his stomach, getting ready to slide into him.

And then his gaze caught my eye, and there was something in there that got my attention, made me focus. It was like, even though I wouldn’t let him speak, he was still talking to me. But this time, it was okay, it wasn’t too scary. It was still intense, because I don’t think Cas has any other setting, but I could manage it like this.

It made me slow down though, my fingers weren’t so hasty as they worked his ass, they were gentler. And when I moved, changed positions to get inside him, that was slow too, and I was locked into his eyes. This time, there was an edge of tenderness while I worked my way into him, each thrust lazy, and I knew what was happening. I could read the words in his eyes, I knew this wasn’t a crazy fuck, or us boning, or screwing, or any of the words that were normally in my vocabulary. This was something I would never phrase, but he was, I knew he was. I was so grateful that he was gagged, because I wouldn’t be able to keep it together if he called it … that.

It wasn’t so bad, as it goes. Maybe it was because it was Cas, or because it had been so long, or because it was a new thing. But it lasted, and we worked well together, and I lost track of time, just focused on us. And when I came in him, and finally stopped looking into his eyes, I knew that he was going to want to talk about what had just happened, and I wasn’t prepared to do that. So I stayed in him for a while, laying my head on his chest and kissing along his ribs, my fingers tracing along his sides, making him think that this was all part of it and I wasn’t stalling.

But I couldn’t stall forever, and I knew it would be worse if my brother or one of the girls walked in on us, so I slowly withdrew, and reached up to take the handcuffs off him, massaging along his wrists and forearms in case they were hurting. He lowered one and pulled his shirt out of his mouth, and then surprised me by not babbling on about making love, but kissed me. Just a quick catch on my mouth, but it was enough.

And then we just laid together, completely naked, on my blankets, curled up in one another, listening to the silence of the bunker.

‘It was never like this,’ Cas broke the quiet eventually. I didn’t want to answer, didn’t want it to go in too deep. I’m already there, but talking about it is just going to make it too big to deal with. ‘I know that’s my fault.’

I can’t just leave it alone, can I? Not now.

‘It’s not, Cas.’

‘If I had just left it to develop naturally, it might have become this intimate.’

I fought the urge to react to his wording.

‘It really doesn’t matter, Cas. We’re here now. That’s the important bit.’

He started running his fingers through my hair, humming softly to himself. After a while, I found myself joining in, and then I realised what song it was. Hey Jude. Didn’t he hum this to me once before? Why didn’t I notice? He laughed as we came to the end of it.

‘Is that our song?’

Oh geez, where did he hear about that?

‘No. Not that one. Maybe Smack My Bitch Up?’

His hand paused in my hair.

‘You don’t have to mock me, Dean.’

‘Sorry. That song just means a lot for other reasons, Cas.’

He started massaging my neck gently.

‘So, remember when you first brought up the idea of you and me?’ I tried to sound casual, because I knew this was going to be loaded. ‘You were talking about different relationships you’d noticed, right? Where do we fit in to your pattern?’

I knew the answer already, knew I was tripping him up. Because he would want the first one, the one where we were destined to be together, where our feelings counted for so much and physical contact was an after thought, something to be preserved for marriage. But what we have? I don’t think it fits in any of the boxes he made. We’re in a little one called Dean and Cas, way away from all his imagined ideals.

‘I guess we don’t. I couldn’t have predicted something this incredible, Dean. We’re all the good parts of those relationships.’

Yeah, he’s getting close to my ‘don’t vocalise this, ever’ area.

‘It’s not like we don’t have problems,’ I tried to deflect the conversation.

‘But we’re working on them. That’s better than those who keep searching for love like this.’

‘Are you always this optimistic?’ I groaned. He laughed underneath me, and I kissed his ribs again.

‘How could I not be? You said you’d be mine.’


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everyone who reads this! Thanks for sticking with me. I know I haven't updated in ages, and I'm so sorry! I don't want to call it a writer's block, but I've been trying to take the time to get this right, since it's in the last couple of chapters now. I hope it's worth the wait? My next few updates will probably also take a long while, just so I'm happy with them before I post. And hopefully you'll be happy with them too x

As much as I might have wanted to spend all day wrapped around Cas, trying to deal with all the mushy crap he comes out with, we had to put an end to everything. His stomach started rumbling loudly. He freaked out when he heard it, when he realised it was coming from him. I managed to calm him down, and had the best brainwave, ever.

‘I’m going to cook you dinner,’ I’d announced. He’d looked at me with those big blue eyes like I was playing some kind of a joke on him, and it was just so typical that this was the one thing he wouldn’t understand. ‘It’ll be great, Cas. I’ll make you a nice meal, we can eat, just us, do the whole bit. Like we sort-of did once, with the pie.’

He gave me one of those nervous smiles, and then started blabbing on about Lady and the Tramp. Its like he’d forgotten that he’d already told me about his love for it. I had it in mind when I cooked that pot pie, but he did say he wasn’t remembering too well without his grace.

I must be whipped. I forced him into the shower, and then told him he wasn’t to go into the kitchen while I was cooking for him, because I wanted to surprise him. He seemed a little pissed about that, maybe because we were reuniting, and we were supposed to be all over each other, but I wouldn’t be able to concentrate with him in the room, and then we’d end up ordering pizza while Sam yelled about the wasted food we ruined.

And it was only when I got started in the kitchen, kneading the dough for the pasta, that I realised I hadn’t been by myself for weeks. Not since our break up when I was on my own in the car. And before that, it was maybe one time Sam and I were working a case and we had to split up to go see witnesses. As much as I care about Cas, it was nice to have some time to myself, where I didn’t have to worry or stress or tell someone that they were a douchebag. I got lost in my own world as I started thinning out the pasta, making it ready to become spaghetti.

I made a makeshift rack for all the spaghetti just as Becky and Charlie walked in, giggling.

‘Get out,’ I growled straight away. Charlie rolled her eyes at me and headed to one of the cupboards, looking at Becky.

‘You’d think he’d be happier, now he’s getting laid again.’ She snarked, then rifled through the cupboards. ‘I thought we still had some Chardonnay?’

‘Please, take your girl drinks, and stay out the kitchen.’

‘I’ll humour you, why?’ Charlie sighed, looking pissed off. It’s not just about the missing wine, obviously. I know she and Cas don’t get on, but they’re both going to have to deal.

‘Because I’m cooking, and I just want to focus, okay? Stay the hell out from under my feet.’

They sat at the table and started sharing the wine that had magically appeared between two glasses.

‘Really?’

‘Oh, yeah. Really. So what’s for dinner?’

‘For you? God knows. This is for me and Cas. You can go now. And tell Sam to stay the hell out too.’

‘Ugh, haven’t you had enough make up sex already?’

‘Barely started. And I plan on screwing him on that table once we’ve eaten, so, you know, fuck off already.’

Charlie rolled her eyes at Becky, nodding at me.

‘She gets so tetchy when it involves her boyfriend.’

Becky pursed her lips and eyed me, before speaking slowly.

‘Well, they have just made up, Charlie. We should give him his space, it’s clearly important.’

‘Becks-‘

‘It’s fine. We’re going.’

Becky stood up, taking her wine glass with her, and Charlie shot me one mutinous look before she followed Becky out of the door. I could hear them whispering ferociously, so I turned on the nearby radio instead, and set to work on the sauce for the meatballs.

The music was pretty good, lots of old rock that I hadn’t heard in a while, and I found myself singing along while I chopped the tomatoes and set them to stew with some herbs, and got to work on making the meatballs. The music cut off halfway through an Elvis song, and I looked up to see Sam by the radio, arms folded, looking pissed.

‘What?’

‘I’m doing my best, Dean.’

Oh, great, my brother’s in one of his self-righteous moods. I carried on mixing the meat, eggs and flour with my hands.

‘Look, none of us have complained about the situation with Cas so far. We understand, you know? But I need some time with Becky, Charlie needs some space, you can’t just shove us out of the bunker whenever you feel like it.’

Did Becky just go blab straight at my brother?

‘Sam, I just want to cook him dinner, okay? He’s not used to eating, and when I brought it up he went on about … can we not just have one meal together?’

‘Fine. The girls and I won’t bug you while you’re eating. But once you’re done? You’re spending time with me and Becky.’

‘Really?’

‘Really, Dean. You’ve had the whole day to sleep with him. And I’m grateful that you managed to stay quiet for once. But I’m still concerned, and I know Becky is too, and we just want to-‘

‘What, check on us?’

‘Yeah, Dean. The guy kept erasing your memory. He kept lying to me. And he seems genuine with the remorse, but still, just let me have this.’

‘Fine,’ I started shaping the balls, and he rested his arms on the counter. ‘So you were chewing Cas out?’

‘A little. Just so he knows exactly what happened.’

I looked up, and he looked back with that puppy-dog expression that can only mean he went too far and he doesn’t want me yelling at him for it.

‘What did you tell him?’ I left the meat alone. ‘Sammy?’

‘Dean, you were in your own head, you didn’t see what you were like, what he reduced you to. And then you took him back like that. I’m not saying that’s a stupid idea, I know its not, but I just wanted him to know, so you didn’t have to go through it again.’

It feels like the angels, warning us not to fuck up. At least, it does a little.

‘Thanks, Sam. But next time - and I hope there isn’t a next time either - just leave it to me. Okay?’

‘Fine. You’re still hanging out with me and Becky after dinner.’

‘Fine,’ I agreed, and carried on making the meatballs.

‘You’re making him spaghetti? You were an asshole when Becky cooked that.’

‘Not my choice, Sam. He’s got this thing about Disney cartoons.’

Sam sniggered.

‘Shut up. Anyway, Becky’s wasn’t bad. And he wasn’t awake for it.’

Sam nodded, and tapped on the counter top.

‘You told him?’

‘That he missed Becky’s spaghetti?’ I moved the balls to the stove, and started cooking them, and moved the pasta into a pan of water I had boiling too.

‘No. The love thing.’

‘So?’

‘Not like you.’

‘It’s complicated, Sam.’

He didn’t say anything. I should’ve just kicked him out like everyone else.

‘Did you know the angels gave him some ultimatum? They came by earlier, preparing to kill him.’

‘Why?’

‘I don’t know, that Vibeke chick was behind it.’

‘So what, you said it to get to her?’

‘I said it so they knew I wasn’t going to let them hurt him.’

Sam stopped tapping on the counter.

‘You’re totally whipped.’

‘I know. Shut up.’

‘Want me to go?’ He finally offered.

‘Nah, it’s fine, I know Becky will probably want some girl time with Cas.’

He laughed at that, but straightened up anyway.

‘I’ll tell Cas to come in about twenty minutes, is that enough time?’

I nodded, and turned over the meatballs.

‘Thanks, Sam.’

‘It’s okay. I’ll leave you to it anyway, I need to sort out my own meal.’

I nodded again, still concentrating on the food. He patted me on the shoulder before walking out the room, and I got lost in cooking everything, in setting the table for the two of us. I gotta admit, I’m excited about it, about the two of us eating dinner and just talking. Especially when I woke up wondering how long it would be until his body gave out and I’d lose him completely. Everything smelled pretty good, and the kitchen looked okay, so when Cas finally walked in I was ready for him.

‘Hey,’ I crossed the room and kissed him quickly. ‘You hungry?’

‘Very. Did you do the meal that Lady and the Tramp ate?’

I’m so glad he’s trying to be romantic.

‘Spaghetti and meatballs, Cas. Not everything’s a cartoon. You want a beer?’

I tugged him over to the table, and made him sit in one seat, before heading over to the refrigerator.

‘Um, could I have some wine, maybe?’

There’s a hesitation in his voice that makes me think this is in some way connected to that dream world of his. But wine we could do, since I had hidden a bottle from Charlie. Just in case.

‘Sure,’ I grabbed the bottle and a bottle opener, bringing it over to the table. He was watching me the whole time, a familiar feeling that I’d missed. I popped the cork off and found a couple of glasses, pouring the wine and handing him a glass.

‘You’re having one too?’ He sounded surprised.

‘Is that a problem?’

He shook his head, and watched me put the bottle down, and bring our plates over.

‘You know, in that, in my … I knew about wine. I don’t know how.’

‘Oh, right.’ I felt awkward. Is he sad that he doesn’t know any more? Or that he’s not back there? I put his plate in front of him, and walked around behind him, rubbing his shoulders. He leaned back into my arms.

‘You had some with me once,’ he sounds wistful. I pulled him even closer, resting my chin against his head.

‘Cas, you know it wasn’t real. This is real. And isn’t this better?’

He nodded, and twisted his head around to kiss my cheek.

‘This is much better.’

‘Good.’ I kissed him back, and walked over to the counter to grab my own meal, sliding into the seat opposite him and began to twirl the spaghetti around my fork.

‘I thought we were going to share a plate, you know,’ Cas sounded dreamy as he poked his plate with his fork, watching me stuff my forkful into my mouth and slurp up the strands. I chewed like crazy and swallowed.

‘There’s too much table in the way.’

He immediately scooted his chair around, and moved everything I’d put out until he was set up around the corner from me, our plates touching. He took a victory mouthful of wine from his glass and wrinkled his nose.

‘That’s disgusting,’ he complained after he swallowed. I tried my own wine, and shrugged.

‘It’s fine, Cas.’

He frowned, and stuck his fork into my pasta. I sighed.

‘Yeah, I guess we’re definitely a couple, you’re stealing my food.’

‘We’re sharing, Dean.’

‘You’re lucky I love you.’

He grinned at me, and gave me another small kiss. It’s going to be one of those meals, huh?

‘We should do that thing where we eat the same bit of spaghetti and end up kissing. Like in the-‘

I cut him off with another kiss.

‘Or we can just do that?’ I pointed out. He carried on digging around on my plate. ‘Fine …’

It wasn’t so bad, actually, sharing the plates between us. Cas was gunning for us to share the same strands of pasta, and I kept trying to feed him instead, but it was good to bond again, you know? To be that couple who could flirt and joke and take our time eating because we weren’t really concentrating on the food. Even after everything, I couldn’t see us having moments like it often, so I let go of the fact that I’d worked hard on the meal just to please him. I ended up drinking all his wine, as well as my own, and he stuck to water. I have a feeling that when Cas drinks, he’s going to be all about girl drinks. Like cocktails.

‘Sam wants us to spend time with him and Becky,’ I told Cas as I cleared the plates away.

‘I know. He told me while you were cooking. I guess they’re waiting for us to go and find them?’ Cas followed me to the sink, like he had in the morning.

‘We could keep them waiting, you know,’ I smirked at him. He leaned his head against mine and kissed my shoulder.

‘You have a one track mind. It’ll be fun.’

‘Sure. You wanna go out there and let them know we’re ready? I’ll finish this up.’

‘Are you sure? You’ve done all the work-‘

‘It’s fine, Cas.’ I kissed him again. Just because. ‘Whatever it is they’ve got planned for tonight, we stick together, okay? They wanna watch a movie, we argue for something that isn’t a chick flick.’

He didn’t answer right away, and I knew he wanted to agree to some chick movie. But he did me proud.

‘Agreed. Don’t be too long.’

I watched him leave the room, wondering when it was that I fell for that ass of his, and then scrubbed furiously at the pots and pans and plates, just to get back out there with him. I swear it seemed to take forever to do, just because I was trying to rush. But it was done eventually, and I forced myself not to run out of the room. I found them all in the meeting room, Sam’s take out containers all over the place and a stack of board games had materialised from nowhere. Becky was holding one out to Cas, who was studying the box rather than look at her.

‘We have to remove that man’s body parts?’

I tried not to laugh at his bewilderment as I walked over to him, Sam’s expression stopping me from reaching over and touching him. I guess we’re still on Sam Probation.

‘Board games? Really?’ Of course my brother wanted to do something dorky. I’d take the chick flick over this torture. And Sam knew that.

‘Really.’

He had that tone that Dad used to use, and I knew there was no point arguing with him. I was just going to have to encourage Cas to cheat so we could win.

‘Fine. But we’re playing in teams. Couple versus couple.’

He rolled his eyes, like I was being so typical.

‘I was hoping for an actual challenge, Dean.’

‘It’s on.’

Cas and Becky were looking between us like any second a fight would break out, but Sam just grabbed the Operation box and started setting it out. I took a seat and pulled Cas into the one beside it as Sam tested to make sure the buzzer would work.

‘So,’ Becky slid into the seat opposite Cas, that look on her face like she’s trying to reign in her enthusiasm. I hate that expression. Not that I want her to let go and be over the top either, but she could maybe lower it a few decibels without looking constipated. ‘Are we going to talk about it?’

I had no idea what she meant, but it was pretty easy to mess with her anyway.

‘Sure,’ I looked at Cas. ‘We take it in turns to remove the white plastic bits, without knocking on the metal. If you beep, you don’t get the part. Whoever gets the most wins.’

‘It sounds demonic,’ Cas frowned.

‘Nah, it’s like a surgeon. Like um, like Doctor Sexy.’

‘Oh geez, you’re not going to fantasise about Cas in a white coat and cowboy boots now, are you?’ Sam complained.

And now I am definitely going to make that happen.

‘I was talking about the hickeys.’ Becky pushed. Oh, yeah. I kinda forgot I did that, what with cooking for Cas and how he normally just makes them disappear. He rubbed his neck awkwardly, over where they were, and I moved his hand away to look at my handiwork. His throat is a mess.

’They think you did this to me,’ he dropped his voice, as though he was keeping Sam and Becky out of it.

‘Mmmmm, I did.’

‘It wasn’t going to be anyone else, Cas,’ Sam sounded exasperated. He tried to avoid my eye contact over that. Do I worry that he’s thinking of Meg? Or the Siren? ‘Can we just play?’

They started trying to lift the funny bone, and I ran a thumb across the bruising.

‘How did you do it? You never hurt me, Dean.’

Has Cas really never seen a hickey before? I leaned closer, nuzzling against his ear.

‘When I kissed your neck. I bet you’ve got a great one on your leg.’

‘HEY!’ Sam slammed a hand down on the table. We both looked over. ’We’re playing a game now, right?’

I sat back in my chair, and Cas hung his head in shame.

‘Dean was just explaining how this happened,’ Cas pointed to his neck. Sam rolled his eyes.

‘Do you two do anything that doesn’t involve sex?’

Cas looked away from the table, and I sat forward, looking my brother in the eye. He went too far, and from the way his Adam’s apple is going, he knows it.

‘Have either of us complained about this whole board game thing? Or spending time with you and Becky? Did I chew you out in the kitchen earlier when you changed my plans? And what about the last three weeks, huh Sam? I wasn’t trying to bone him while he was unconscious. You don’t see everything, Sam.’

He stared back at me defiantly, and I could see out the corner of my eye, Becky mouthing at Cas. I know my brother’s mad for me about what happened, but I just want to move on. I don’t want to think about demons who want him, or angels who’re determined to kill him, or his mistakes. I want to think about our future, and Sam needs to get the memo.

‘He’s it, Sam. The One.’

I knew Cas was going to react to that, in that chattery way of his, but I kept my focus on my brother.

‘Real estate?’

‘Don’t push it.’

Sam sighed, and pushed his hair back with his hand.

‘Just keep the PDA to a minimum. It’s your turn.’

I’m glad he got it. I picked up the tweezers.

‘I’m the one what?’

Dammit, I need to concentrate.

’The one,’ Becky isn’t restraining her enthusiasm. Great, the one time. ‘You know, the one he wants to be with forever, the one-‘

‘Becky. I’m concentrating.’

I lowered the tweezers to try and pick out the spare ribs.

‘Dean, you’re the One too.’

The game buzzed, and I threw the tweezers down in frustration.

‘I hate this game.’

He touched my arm, and I grabbed another box from the pile, not really looking at it.

‘Lets play this instead.’

I looked at the box. Oh, God, Scrabble. Sam pushed Operation to the side and took the box off me, as Cas leaned close to whisper in my ear.

‘I didn’t mean to distract you.’

‘You never mean to, Cas.’

‘I meant what I said.’

‘I know. I did too. Hey,’ I risked Sam’s wrath to get closer to him. ‘Sam’s going to play to win, wanna have some fun with him?’

Cas sighed, but I knew he’d go along with it. He had promised at dinner after all. I slipped my hand into his as Sam made a big production with sharing out the tiles and who went first and all that bullshit. I somehow got the first turn, and a bunch of letters that I could just about work with. Sam went for his lawyering snobbery, and Becky was pretty good too, stealing a double word score I know my brother had his eye on. It didn’t matter that they were on the same team, and she was his girlfriend, not when it came to Sam and Scrabble.

And then it was Cas’ go. He stared at his letters for ages.

‘You need help there, Cas? You have to make a word-‘

‘I know. Sam. I’m thinking.’ Cas tapped a finger on his tile rack, and slipped his other hand out of mine. Eventually, he laid down some tiles, and I had to fight the smile down, keep my poker face on. Sam was looking at the board like this was some kind of joke. Which okay, it was.

‘Cas, that’s not a word,’ Sam sighed eventually.. I bet he thinks Cas doesn’t understand the game. My man’s smarter than that.

‘It is. It’s Enochian.’ He didn’t miss a beat. I was so proud of him.

‘What does it mean?’ Sam pushed.

‘It means hummingbird.’

Sam looked at him suspiciously, and then looked at me. Like I set him up to do it. Okay, kinda did, but still.

‘Okay, new rule, we only play English words.’

‘Is that English spellings?’

Sam buried his head in his hands, tugging at his over-long hair.

‘Can we not play one game without you two making it difficult?’

‘Could play poker.’

Sam groaned, this annoying whiny noise that wasn’t very loud but went of for ages. Becky played with their tiles, like she was thinking hard and needed to do something with her hands.

‘Sammy? Maybe you could let it go. I mean, Enochian is Castiel’s first language. Right?’ She looked at Cas, who nodded like he was so innocent.

‘Yes. It is. And even if I’m not an angel anymore, I still remember the language.’

Sam looked up from his hands, as Becky put a hand on his shoulder.

‘Come on, Sam. Maybe we’ll learn something.’

Oh, she’s good, playing right to my brother’s weakness. They looked at each other for a while, and Castiel leaned closer to me, muttering under his breath.

‘We do that better.’

‘We do everything better,’ I agreed, and slid my arms around him. If Sam and Becky can PDA, then so can we. Cas laid his head on my shoulder, and carried on watching Sam and Becky and their dorky puppy love. His fingers curled up on one of my arms, just as Sam looked over.

‘Guys, really?’ He sounded completely defeated. I squeezed Cas gently.

‘You know, I’m tired,’ Cas announced. He slumped in my arms a little, like he was ready to go to sleep right then and there. I guess he’s got to get used to listening to his body.

‘You wanna go to bed?’

He nodded slowly, and I helped stand him up.

‘You coming back, Dean?’ Sam asked as I shuffled Cas out of the room.

‘No. Going to bed too.’

‘Just … keep it down, okay?’ Sam still has that defeated voice.

‘Cas doesn’t snore.’

‘Dean-‘

‘Sam, he’s practically asleep already,’ I looked at Cas, who was still leaning into my side. His head was buried into my shoulder. Yeah, there was no chance of any more sex. ‘Not tonight. I’m not an animal.’

I knew he wanted to say that I was a complete animal, but he let it slide as I carried on supporting Cas through the bunker.

‘Dean?’ his voice was sluggish, but he curled up into me like a cat would. ‘I love you.’

‘I know baby, I know.’ We were almost at our room.

‘Thank you. For taking me back, for still caring. For forgiving me.’

I pushed open the door of the room with my free hand, and carefully laid him on the bed. I kissed him quickly then started pulling his pants down, making him more comfortable for sleep.

‘It’s a fresh start, right Cas? Let’s move on now.’

‘Okay Dean. I love you.’

I went back and closed the door, stripping down to my boxers and climbing in bed with him. He snuggled up the moment I pulled the covers over me.

‘Night, Cas.’ I kissed him again. He barely acknowledged it, and the next thing I knew he was breathing heavily, curled up on my chest. Where he belonged.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to update this like, the day after updating fifty first dates! I'm so sorry! I have a tonne of excuses, but they're probably very boring. Hopefully, the chapter is less so?

I got woken up by someone holding their fingers over my nose and clamping my jaw shut. Which fucking hurt when I already had Cas buried into my chest. My eyes snapped open as I choked for breath and I just about made out Sam’s shaggy hair hanging over me in the light cast from the hall before I reached up with my free arm and socked him one. He bit back his scream so he didn’t wake Cas.

‘What?’ I whispered as soon as I got my breath back, trying not to yell myself. ‘What the hell was that?’

Sam pointed for the door, and then walked out. I was so damn tempted to leave him to it and stay in bed, but I wasn’t going to fall back to sleep again so quickly. So I hugged Cas close, rolled over until he was underneath me, and slowly crawled off him, then went into the hallway and pulled the door to behind me.

‘What’s your problem, Sammy?’ I grouched, still keeping my voice down.

‘I just got a call from Garth. He needs some help, seems desperate. I said we’d go help.’

‘Now?!’

‘Yes, now. I told you, he seems desperate. I don’t think he’s too far away, maybe a few hours? It’s Garth, Dean.’

I’m always surprised by how long Garth has lived. I don’t blame Sammy to reacting to Garth’s panic, but knowing him, it’s probably over his TV not getting the right cartoons. I tried to reign in my anger at my brother. It can wait.

‘Fine. Let me get dressed and leave a note for Cas. See you in the garage in like, half hour?’

Sam nodded, looking relieved I was taking him seriously despite the fucked up wake up call, and then headed back to his room, probably to grab his stuff. I padded back into my room, grabbing some pants and a sweater, pulling them on with my boots and packing a few clothes into my duffel just in case. And then I scribbled a note out for Cas and left it on the side table, resisting the urge to kiss him on his temple before I left the room, heading for the garage. Sam was already leaning up against the Impala.

‘Ready?’

‘Yep. Where’s Garth?’ We climbed into the car, throwing our bags into the backseat, and Sam started talking.

‘Well, I had to track the GPS on his cell, looks like he’s in Kentucky. Shouldn’t take long to get to him. I have no idea what he’s fighting against-‘

‘Maybe a giant bucket of fried chicken?’

‘Maybe.’

I pulled out the garage, and along the little dirt path that led us back to town. It was still dark out.

‘What time is it, anyway?’

Sam checked his watch.

‘Twenty past four. Your old bedtime.’

I let that one slide. With Cas around, I’ve been sleeping like a normal person, more or less. It’s dangerous.

‘Thanks, by the way. For keeping it down last night after you lost at both games.’

‘Keeping it down?’

‘Yeah, you and Cas and the ridiculously loud sex.’

‘Well, it’s probably because we didn’t have any sex last night. He was exhausted, you know?’

‘Let’s not even go there.’

‘Sam, he’s not used to being human. And he just spent how long totally out of it? He was dying, he … he just needs some time.’

Sam stretched out on his seat.

‘So, that whole “the one” business, you meant that?’

We’re in dangerous territory here. I focused on driving.

‘Because if you meant it, that changes things.’

‘Mmmm.’

I don’t see how it changes anything. Cas has been a big part of our lives for a while. The only difference is that now he shares my bed and I can kiss him whenever the fuck I want to.

‘I’m moving in with Becky.’

I almost slammed Baby into a stop sign, then worked my ass off to keep her on the road.

‘WHAT?!’ I tried not to scream in his face.

‘What? I need some time with Becky. Just Becky. I want to make the effort this time. And I know you and Cas are happy or whatever, but it’s hard to have a good relationship with Becky when every time we see you two, you’re trying to eat each other.’

‘So go away for a week or something, don’t move out.’

‘A week away would be great, Dean, but it wouldn’t be real.’

‘Okay,’ I tried not to lose it with him. ‘How about this? After we save Garth’s ass, I take Cas somewhere? We’ll have a week, just us, and you can get to know Becky at the bunker. And when Cas and I get home, then you can decide if you want to move into her place with her. And I get to screw Cas without hearing about how damn noisy we were.’

I saw him shake his hair back from his face.

‘Fine. But don’t get pissed off if I decide to move out with her after that.’

I wasn’t going to stick to that promise.

‘So what did Cas say when you told him we were helping Garth?’

‘I didn’t. I let him sleep.’

‘Dean,’ he’s got his judge-y voice going.

‘I couldn’t wake him up, not after he fell asleep walking to bed last night. I wrote him a note, and I’ll call him later. Why, did you wake Becky up?’

‘My cell did when it rang. She woke me up to answer it. She wasn’t happy that I had to go, but she understood.’

‘Oh yeah, right. She’s met Garth before.’

‘Right. Yeah.’ Sam cleared his throat. ‘I hope he’s not dead already.’

‘He won’t be. He’s Garth. Maybe he spooked the monster.’

My brother finally started laughing, and I did too, glad we were sweeping everything under the carpet.

 

*

 

‘So, you haven’t even seen this thing?’ Sam sounded exasperated. Garth relaxed on one of the beds, hands behind his head.

‘No. I told you, I can’t work this thing out, I need help.’

‘I thought you were dying, Garth!’

I sat back against the dresser, as my brother stood over Garth.

‘I am, it’s killing me not knowing what this thing even is.’

‘Do you have eye witnesses? Anything to go on?’

‘I talked to one guy.’

I swapped a look with my brother. I could practically read my thoughts in his expression, that complete befuddlement over how the hell Garth is a successful hunter. I think he just lucks into it. But God help me, I like the guy.

‘Okay, Fed up, Garth. We’ll go talk to some locals, get some clues, solve this damn thing.’

Garth moved at snails pace, getting in to his suit, and I took the chance to flip through the few notes he’d managed to make, the sources he’d used to find this case in the first place. He had almost nothing. Sam started reading over my shoulder, and I knew he was making the same conclusion I was.

‘Garth, are you sure there’s even a case?’

‘I’m sure. I have a sense for these things.’

‘Garth has sense?’ I muttered under my breath. Sam sniggered, but sobered up quickly.

‘Okay, so let’s talk to the police first, find out what happened to the body, try and work out what it is, and then we can go home.’

‘Come on, you just got here!’

I swapped a look with Sam. I know he just wants to get back to Becky, because I want to get back to Cas. But I’m not ready to have that conversation with Garth yet, and there’s no way my brother is going to ditch me to deal with Garth alone.

‘We were looking into another case, we’re only here because we thought a werewolf took a piece out of you or something. So lets go.’

Sam hustled him out the door and I followed, listening as Garth tried to get shotgun in the Impala and Sam chewed him out. It didn’t pass me by, that he wasn’t budging on giving up shotgun when he was pretty okay about Cas getting it before. I drove us to the local police precinct, ready to get down to business and find some decent clues. Of course we got the douchebag officer who wanted to follow up on us. I dialled Charlie, knowing she’d play along.

‘Hey!’ She sounded pretty happy.

‘Hello, I have an officer here who needs to confirm who we are.’

‘Oh, yeah, right.’

‘I’m just going to pass you over, okay?’

‘You’re an ass.’

I passed the phone over anyway, hoping that Charlie would remain professional. You know, while kicking this guy’s ass. Whatever she said it worked, because we were in.

 

*

 

‘Chupacabra!’

‘We know, Dean,’ Sam sighed.

‘We finally took on a chupacabra! Don’t you feel good?’

‘It was on Dean’s bucket list,’ Sam explained to Garth, as we sat in a bar, sucking down beer.

‘I feel like I can call house on Hunter Bingo.’

Sam just shook his head, as Garth started peeling his bottle label.

‘Do you guys really have to go already? It feels like you’re trying to avoid me.’

‘It’s not that Garth, it’s just,’ Sam sighed, and looked at me. ‘We should tell him.’

I rolled my eyes.

‘Garth, we both started going out with people recently. Like, real recently. We left them in the bunker and I think we both just wanna get back to them. Okay?’

Garth grinned huge.

‘Are they sisters or something?’

We swapped another look, Sammy and me. He knows I’m not ready to go there, right?

‘No. Like I said Garth, it’s new. And I mean, Dean’s actually had more than one night with the same person.’

‘Sam’s dick of death hasn’t killed her yet.’

‘Really, Dean?’ Sam shot me a dirty look. I shrugged back.

‘Isn’t that a good sign?’

‘Can I meet them?’ Garth interrupted. I cringed. ‘What, are you ashamed of her?’

‘It’s just … it’s too early. And when we get back, Sam’s kicking us out the bunker for a week, so there’s no point.’

‘And the quicker we get back, the better.’

‘Fine. But I want to meet them soon. They’ll love me.’

‘That’s why we’re keeping you away.’ Sam joked. Garth didn’t get it.

‘You know it. That’s why Dean’s being so secretive.’

‘Nope. You have no chance, Garth.’

Garth just smirked at me.

‘Sure. When she sees me, she’ll be all over this,’ he twirled his finger around to point to himself. I bit back the urge to chew him out.

‘Well, I guess one day in the distant future, we’ll see.’

Garth winked at my brother, who shrugged back.

‘Dean said they’re “the one” so you’ve got as much chance as that Chupacabra did.’

‘Hold the phone, you said that?’ Garth looked like a kid at Disneyland, or Sam with a salad. I knocked back the rest of my beer and stood up.

‘Come on, Sammy, lets go.’

‘Oh, come on-‘ Garth started to protest.

‘You want a ride?’ I interrupted him. He shrugged, then nodded.

‘Sure. I’m going as far as your bunker.’

‘I’ll drop you by your car.’ I led the way outside, pretending I didn’t hear Garth and Sam bitching about me behind my back. I hope Sam gets it, that it’s one thing having Charlie knowing about Cas and me, but Garth as well? I can just hear Garth teasing me about Cas, and I know he’d cross the line from slightly-moronic-but-still-funny to totally-pissing-me-off. I don’t think he’d get me and Cas at all. And even if by some miracle he was cool about it, I didn’t wanna talk about me and Cas. I just wanted to get back to the guy. We only really just started making up. I hoped that Sam was somehow spelling this out without giving it away that I’m in deep with Cas.

They climbed in together silently, and let me drive back to the motel that Garth was staying in. He patted my shoulder before climbing out the car.

‘I hope she realises how lucky she is, Dean.’

I heard the familiar scrape-and-clunk of the door, and watched as he practically skipped back into his room before pulling out of the lot, and making my way out of town. Sam didn’t speak until we were on the highway.

‘Garth didn’t mean any harm.’

‘I know.’

‘And if you’re serious about Cas the way I know you are, you gotta tell people some time.’

‘Sammy, we just got back together. I miss him, I just wanna get back to him, okay?’

‘You know, me moving in with Becky means you and Cas can take your relationship to the next level too. You’re clearly begging for it.’

‘Do you still have a problem with me and Cas?’

I am getting such mixed messages from my brother here.

‘No.’

‘Then what?’

Sam sighed.

‘Dean, you and Cas … it should be great, right? He should be the best thing to happen to you. I mean, you’ve fallen in love with your best friend. Most people would kill for that. And I totally respect you for giving him another chance. I just need the space with Becky to get my own relationship straight, to not feel like we’re competing with you. And I want to know I can trust him with you, after everything that’s happened.’

I let him speak, nodding towards the end. I kinda get it.

‘Trust me Sam, I worry about it too, but I don’t think he even thought about what he was doing. Total tunnel vision, you know? I’m making him talk to me more.’

‘You’re asking for him to talk? About his feelings?’

I sucked in a breath.

‘Yeah, well, I don’t want to be screwed over again. I think he gets it.’

‘And the PDA?’

‘I promise nothing. He drives me crazy.’

‘Yeah, thanks Dean.’

‘He just has to pout with that mouth of his-‘

Sam clicked the radio on, loud, and settled back in his seat. I didn’t push it, and when I looked over again, he was stretched out in his seat, head back at a real uncomfortable angle, completely asleep. He was going to be out for the rest of the ride home. I sank into the music, and pushed the car on, back home. And it scared me when I realised that I was thinking of Cas as home, and not the bunker. Despite the fear, I couldn’t wait to get back to him, to see that dopey smile on his face, to have his eyes track me all over the room. To see that look on his face when I put the moves on him, excited and nervous all at once.

I’m so whipped. But I couldn’t help it, couldn’t think of anything else but him, the entire drive. This is why I couldn’t promise to avoid PDA with him, because I’ve been thinking about him so much that I couldn’t wait to kiss him, audience be damned.

Sam was hard to wake up when we finally pulled in to the garage, and he followed me sleepily through the bunker, rubbing his face and yawning loudly. I could hear noise from the room we’d installed the television, and walked in to find the girls curled up on either side of Cas, all three of them sharing a mess of junk food. Cas’ mouth was covered in an orange dust from the artificial cheese and his eyes were wide with huge bags underneath, probably from the sugar high. And yet he was still one of the best-looking things I’ve ever seen. Sam caught up and looked at the screen as I headed for my man, pushing between him and Becky. Claiming what was mine. Becky scooted over to another couch, as I grabbed some of the chips from the bowl on his lap.

‘What are you watching?’

I hadn’t even noticed the movie as I headed for Cas. I settled into him properly as he answered my brother, his voice slow and soft where he wasn’t concentrating.

‘Breaking Dawn, part two.’

I looked at the screen, where sure enough that Bella chick was staring open-mouthed at someone, and then groaned, nuzzling into Cas’ neck and kissing him. Why does he have to be so okay with teen vampire romance? Cas just took some of the chips still in my hand and ate them. I watched as he put one in between his lips, held it there for a moment, and then pushed it in with one finger. How does he make cheese doodles seem erotic? I need him to be a willing participant in giving me all the attention.

‘Instead of that bullshit,’ I whispered in his ear, letting my lips brush against his skin, trying to turn him on. ‘We have some catching up to do.’

Cas either didn’t take the hint, or he was trying to torment me. Either way, he didn’t bother keeping his voice down when he answered.

‘In a minute. I have a feeling there’s going to be a huge fight with the Volturi over Renesmee.’

‘Come on, Cas, please?’ I sounded needy. He could probably hear it too. I tried to pretend the others weren’t in the room, making judgements about our relationship. Especially after what happened during our break up. I bit his ear gently, hoping he’d understand that sex with me was a hell of a lot better than that damn movie. They’re not even remotely close to vampires.

‘I’m invested now, Dean.’

He’s invested? I stared wordlessly at his cheek, wondering when the hell I got trumped by some sparkling assholes.

‘They stare at each other almost as much as you two do,’ Charlie piped up from his other side. I’d argue, but I was staring up at his face. She had a good point. But Cas wasn’t looking at me and I got the feeling there was no chance I was going to be able to persuade him until the end of the damn movie. Luckily, I knew how to test that theory.

‘If you come with me now, I’ll let you top.’

‘After I find out what happens, Dean.’

I groaned, trying to drown out the whisper-shouting on the screen, burying my face in his neck, smelling that strange sweet something that clung to his skin. I’ve missed that smell. I need it on me, right now. I’m not giving up on convincing him to come to bed with me.

‘Babe, nothing happens. It’s five movies of nothing happening.’

‘Well, then be glad you missed four-and-a-half of them.’

What is wrong with him? I thought he’d be all over me too, desperate to reconnect again. I started kissing his neck, trying to remind him of just how good we were together, trying to get him to stop watching that damn movie. He shoved a cheese-dust-covered hand in my way.

‘Dean, no. I’m still covered in bruises. Please, it’s getting interesting. And when the movie’s over, then we can go somewhere without an audience.’

I kissed his fingers, and gave up fighting to get him in the mood. Not because I didn’t want to screw his brains out, but because he’d reminded me of our audience. Of my brother, standing in the doorway and making a judgement call on us, of Charlie who was still pretty close by and unforgiving of Castiel’s attitude so far. I got how it looked to them, me being all over Cas, who wasn’t responding. It wasn’t going to help, whatever the truth was about us.

‘I thought you guys were going to watch the Harry Potter movies?’ Sam broke the silence of the room. I was grateful that it wasn’t to rag on Cas and me. Charlie uncurled herself from Cas’ other side as she answered my brother. She could not have sounded more pissed off.

‘We got through all those. And then we moved on to Twilight. Your girlfriend’s choice. Now shut up, it’s getting interesting.’

She grabbed a cushion and moved away from Cas, letting me lay all over him. He didn’t even acknowledge it. All he did was swipe the chips that were still in my hand. He really was invested, wasn’t he? I shouldn’t have sped so much to get back to him. At least he started running his fingers along the back of my head, rubbing my scalp slowly as he watched. I closed my eyes and just tried to enjoy being us again.

I concentrated on his breathing, on the way his chest tipped my head up and down, until the moment he rubbed his nose against my hairline and kissed my forehead. I love it and hate it when he does shit like that. I love it because I know he cares about me, I hate it because somehow he makes me feel so damn vulnerable. At least he cut the moment short.

‘I’m ready now.’

It was quieter than before, meant just for me to hear. But I’m sure the others worked it out as I sat up, shoved the snacks off his lap and pulled him out into the hallway with me. We maybe made it thirty paces before I couldn’t take it anymore and pushed him up against the wall, my body pining him in place, my hands all over him, fitting easily between my shirt and his chest. And I was kissing him like I had when he was in that coma, kissing him like it was our first and last kiss because I missed him so damn much.

He was pretty enthusiastic, pushing against me too, rubbing his junk against mine, his tongue so far into my mouth that I wasn’t even sure it was his anymore. All I could hear was his breathing, loud and fast and shaking, speeding up even more when I flexed closer. He forced his head back for a moment to be able to talk.

‘We should get back to the room.’

I decided, after making me wait until the Twilight movies were over for any of this, that I was going to mess with him a little.

‘You suddenly want an audience?’ I inched closer to the wall, keeping Cas firmly sandwiched there. We might as well have become one by osmosis at this point.

‘I meant our room.’

I laughed a little. Only Cas would take that at face value. He’s so fricking adorable.

‘I know, baby, I know.’

And I carried on kissing him, pressing hard against him, wishing I was just in him. That thought alone is terrifying but I couldn’t stop what I was doing, couldn’t leave him alone. I guess I’ve got some kind of needy separation anxiety left over from our break.

‘Dean,’ He breathed my name heavily, almost making it sound like a moan. Fuck. How am I meant to do anything when he talks to me like that? ‘Why did you call Charlie on your hunt? Why didn’t you call me?’

Was that why he was pretending to be into the Twilight movies, making me wait until he was done? Because I called Charlie? It looked like they were doing okay when I walked in, he can’t still be jealous.

‘Are you kidding me?’ I licked along his mouth, trying not to accuse him, not when I just want it to go good between us. I took it as him thinking about us, rather than being jealous of Charlie. ‘Babe, I needed to stay professional, you think I could’ve, talking to you?’

I felt his mouth curve into a smile against my mouth, and he started pawing at my hair. It took him a couple of moments to respond to that. Mainly because I wouldn’t leave his mouth alone.

‘Sounds reasonable.’

I kissed him harder, relieved that didn’t turn into a shit storm, and slowly took hold of his wrists, raising his arms up until he was pinned against the wall. He let me, making those little snuffling noises I know are going to turn into groans when we really get going. He carried on talking.

‘Can I come on the next hunt?’

I think I should impose that no-talking rule every time we’re getting it on. How can one ex-angel possibly have so much to say when he’s getting a hard on? Anyway, the answer’s pretty obvious.

‘No. You’re going to stay safe.’

He didn’t argue. Either he’s holding that in and it’s going to make things more difficult, or he’s accepting that it’s a pointless argument. I’m hoping for the second one, because what we’ve got going on right now is way too good to waste on a crappy fight. Talky McTalkerson carried on.

‘So, what you said in there, did you mean it?’

‘Mmmm.’ No idea what he’s talking about. I started kissing down his throat, and this time he didn’t bitch at me or move his hand in the way. I made the effort not to mark his skin any more, though that was hard. He tasted amazing.

‘Are you going to let me top?’

I didn’t have to put him off that one, someone was clearing their throat behind me. Everything Sammy had said about our PDA ran through my mind as I turned to look at my brother, standing in the hallway. I could read his face so well, knew he wanted to bitch us out again, but I’m tired of it. He folded his arms, and I debated blackmailing him with the way he woke me up for Garth’s case.

‘Dean.’

I recognised the tactic. Keep quiet, make me yell so I look like a douche. I just want time with Cas. I feel like I haven’t had any for weeks, even though Garth’s case was the first time I’ve really left his side.

And that inspired me. He wasn’t going to get yelling. He was going to get his wish. I was going to take Cas somewhere awesome, somewhere that we could kiss as long as we wanted and not worry about someone walking in. Where we could be as loud as we wanted when we had sex. Somewhere I could just feel like I really, truly have him back.

‘Yeah, um, just about to bring it up,’ I sounded confused, but I swear it was just the residue of making out with Cas. I looked at him, my angel, and felt myself get nervous. What if it wasn’t a go? ‘Cas, we’re um, we’re going to go pack a bag, go away for a few days, okay? Just you and me.’

Cas nodded slowly, like he wasn’t sure about the idea. But then his eyes flickered to Sam and I got it. He’s worried about whatever my brother and I have been saying to each other. He’s not sure if it’s okay that we talk about romantic trips away in front of him.

‘You gonna go pack now, right Dean?’

What does my brother want with Cas now? I put my forehead against Cas’, breathing him in, giving myself something to hold on to so I wouldn’t worry about my brother chewing him out. And then I walked away, back to our room, and started packing one of my duffel bags. I made sure to throw in all the kinky stuff Cas had bought that we hadn’t used, and some spare stuff for Cas, like shaving foam and razors. He’s pretty clueless about that kind of thing. And then I forced myself to think of where I could take him, so I didn’t dwell on whatever was going on between the two most important people in my life.

I want somewhere private. A motel room just won’t cut it. Part of me wants to find Rufus’ old shack, or maybe go down and see if we could use Bobby’s place. But I’d feel like they were haunting me, judging me every moment. I know Bobby’s passed on, I know Rufus wouldn’t refuse his reaper, but there would still be that creeping, hairs-on-the-back-of-your-neck-up sensation, and I wouldn’t be able to focus on my baby.

I was putting my shirts in my bag when he walked in, still debating where we could go. I like the idea of Cas at a beach, wearing a Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses, complaining loudly about the ridiculousness of it all. Like in Cuba or Mexico or something. I could feed him nachos. Get him drunk on Tequila.

‘So, where do you wanna go?’ I grabbed a couple pairs of jeans. ‘I was thinking a beach, maybe? Head down to Mexico?’

‘I don’t think I would enjoy Mexico.’

‘Okay. Name a place, Cas.’

He was quiet as I went to get some underwear, and found the clothes Meg had given me while we waited for the siren. The ones she stole for him. As much as I hate that she did that, they were going to fit him better than my pants, so they were getting packed. Cas didn’t say anything while I shoved them in the bag, so either he noticed and wanted to avoid an argument or he was preoccupied and didn’t even notice. I turned to look at him, and he was staring at the bag, his gaze a little vacant. He did answer me eventually, so I guess he was just debating where he wanted to go. Or where he thought he could get away with asking.

‘Somewhere secluded, so it’s just us. Somewhere nearly untouched by humans. Somewhere …’

‘How about,’ I interrupted, reaching over and holding his hips. It sounds like we want something similar, but he’s not sure where, exactly. I had to take charge, a little. ‘A lakehouse somewhere. We’ll get a private beach, rent a place. We’ll catch fish, grill it for dinner. The works.’

He smiled at me weakly, but held my wrists, pulling my hands tighter against him.

‘That sounds perf … that sound great, Dean.’

I let the perfect thing slide, laughing a little at his recovery. Did he have another place in mind? I’ll get it out of him in the next couple of days. Unless he’s just reacting to Sam chewing him out.

‘Good. Oh, um, hey, don’t feel too bad about Sam. He’s got a stick up his ass about something. We’ll enjoy ourselves and get back on track, and he can calm the hell down with Becky.’

He nodded, the same slightly-vacant expression on his face. Something’s really bothering him, but I’m not going to get it out of him. Not yet. Instead, I kissed him quickly, and picked the bag up, smiling at him.

‘Let’s go, babe.’


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Castiel finally get some time alone, with no chance of losing their memories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's taken me so long to update! I hope it's worth the wait. Thank you so much to everyone who's read and/or reviewed both this and Fifty First Dates, it means so much x

I don’t think I’ve driven Baby with just Cas in the passenger seat for a long time. But there we were, in my car, going towards a lake in Wisconsin that had a pretty good last minute deal on a private cabin. I guess we’re going a little out of season, but I was hoping it wouldn’t be too cold to be outside.

He was quiet in the car, sitting and watching the scenery go by, ignoring the tension I could feel so strongly. Eventually, I had to speak up.

‘Cas? You okay?’

‘I’m fine, Dean.’

‘Sorry it’s Wisconsin.’

‘Its fine.’

Talking to Cas can be like talking to a chick. Rookie mistake to think that means everything is actually okay.

‘Well, you looked like you had a place when I asked, but you didn’t say anything. We could always go there? I’ll cancel.’

‘We can’t go there.’

He sounded so sad. He turned his head to look out the window, and avoid me looking at him. At least he’s admitting there’s a place.

‘Come on Cas, the deal is that we talk. Tell me about this place.’

He sighed, and sat back in the seat.

‘It’s in Nepal, and hard to reach. At least, for humans, it’s hard to reach. And I don’t have a passport, you don’t enjoy flying-‘

Understatement.

‘It’s just not possible.’

I can understand why he didn’t mention it now.

‘Do you miss your grace?’

He took a moment to answer.

‘I miss some things. Being a human is tiring and dirty. I don’t like having to constantly eat and silence my stomach, or urinate as frequently as my vessel demands. But,’ and he finally looked at me, and I caught the weak smile on his face. ‘I made the right choice, Dean. I’ll take whatever comes of being human, so long as I’m with you.’

‘You can’t get rid of me now,’ I grinned at him. He scooted closer to me across the leather.

‘This week will be nice,’ he decided. ‘We can kiss and not get interrupted all the time.’

‘We can fuck and not hear Sam bitching about how loud you are.’

‘Well, that’s your fault.’ Cas shrugged. ‘Is that why you gagged me last time?’

‘A little. Sometimes, you only start talking when we’re fooling around. And why is it my fault that you’re so loud?’

‘Because you’re so good.’

‘Okay. I totally accept the blame on that one. But this week, you can be as loud as you want.’

‘I’ll be as loud as you make me.’

He’s getting better at flirting.

‘I’ll accept the challenge.’

He smiled briefly, and gazed out of the window again.

‘Dean, what if … what if we have longer than a week for all these things? What if today is just the start of us having that time together, alone?’

That’s what Sam was talking to him about, wasn’t it? The whole moving out thing. I tried not to get too angry. It’s not Cas’ fault about Sam’s decision, after all.

‘This week is meant to be a trial thing. So Sam and Becky can have some alone time. They’re not moving out. Not yet. And we get to have fun in the mean time.’

He stayed quiet, still gazing out the window.

‘Cas-‘

‘He seemed fairly certain. Yes he said it was a trial, but he said he was moving out with her soon as well. I don’t know, it was a feeling I got from him, that he’d already decided to move out. It’s just a question of when.’

‘He promised he wouldn’t.’

I can’t help it, I do feel hurt by this. As much as I’m looking forward to uninterrupted time with Cas, I’m looking forward to seeing my brother again afterwards, in the bunker.

‘He asked me not to tell you. That’s what makes me think he’s serious.’

‘Why did you tell me then? If you’re not meant to?’ I’m grateful that he told me, of course I am, but that doesn’t sound good.

‘I’m trying Dean, to make the effort. You want us to talk, you want me not to keep things from you. I think this quantifies as something I should tell you.’

‘It is. Sorry, Cas.’

‘I know,’ he reached over and slipped his hand into mine. ‘I know you’re not mad at me. Did you want to turn around, go back and talk to him?’

I took a deep breath in. I know exactly what he’s offering me, and a large part of me wants to take him up on the offer. But Sam would bitch at me non-stop for trying to stop him, and then we’d have one of our huge arguments. And I want this, this time with Cas, the opportunity to bond again. I’m scared of how close we’ll be, but it’s all I want at the same time. So I fought the urge to one-eighty the car, and swallowed down my anger at my brother.

‘No. Besides, we’re nearly there now.’

‘Okay. We can call him once we’re settled in, maybe?’

‘Cas?’ I blurted out.

‘Yes.’

‘I’m … thanks.’

He squeezed my fingers, and I flexed mine back. I knew he understood what I meant. He held my hand the rest of the drive.

*

Cas stayed in the car while I grabbed the keys to our cabin from the reception place, and he was quiet as I looped through the woods in the area until I got to our home for the next week. It was … nice I guess? It was half-hidden in the tree line, and we had a private beach next to our own jetty, and a deck on the second level where we could barbeque if we felt like it. The owners had said they’d left some stuff in the kitchen for us, food for the night and the next morning.

I debated carrying him across the threshold. I mean, it’s a romantic getaway, right? People do that sort of thing. But I couldn’t handle his reaction if I tried it, the clueless face and the endless questions. So instead I led the way inside, dumping our bag of clothes on the designer armchair and looking around. We lucked out, the whole place is designer, those weird shaped couches, a huge fireplace and a decent TV. I might not remember that there’s a world outside of this place.

I looked around at Cas, wanting to see his reaction, but he was staring at me, his head cocked slightly to the side.

‘Pretty sweet digs, right?’ I asked him. He nodded, still not talking. ‘Everything okay?’

‘Yes. Are you going to call Sam now?’

‘In a while. I’m hungry, are you?’

He carried on looking at me, his eyes raking over my body. But this time, it didn’t feel like he was dying to fool around. It felt like he was concerned about me, trying to read my body language. Okay, yes, I’m upset about Sam, but making this week with Cas good is more important to me. So instead of waiting for him to realise I’d asked a question, or for him to bring it up, I went into the kitchen and located the food that had been left for us, pulling out packets and making a food decision without him. He eventually came over as I was stirring a sauce, and slid his arms around my waist, tucking his head onto my shoulder.

‘I could get used to this,’ I told him, concentrating on the pan.

‘It’s very domestic,’ he agreed.

‘Is that a bad thing?’

‘No.’

He didn’t sound convincing.

‘What’s up with you, anyway? I thought you’d be excited to get here. Stop worrying about Sam, I’ll talk to him, he’ll come around.’

‘I know you will. And I’m happy to be here,’ he squeezed my midriff slightly. ‘It’s nothing.’

‘Cas-‘

‘You wouldn’t want me to talk about it, Dean.’

‘Cas, we’re meant to be talking more. Right?’ I could feel myself getting frustrated again, and it was the last thing I wanted. I concentrated on cooking, trying to keep that feeling at bay.

‘If I said everything I was thinking, you’d be perpetually mad. Or worse, you’d shut it down.’

I looked at him, but he wasn’t looking back at me, he was staring at the food too.

‘Try me.’

He cleared his throat a little, but took the bait.

‘It reminds me of our house, this place. Of the one you convinced me to leave. You were cooking for us then as well. And Sam lived with Becky, they had two little girls, remember?’

I vaguely remember him mentioning two little girls when I was trying to convince him to leave the coma. I know I have to try and tread carefully now, because he was right, I didn’t really want to know about that fantasy, and I made him tell me.

‘So what, this is what it looked like beyond the front passageway?’

‘No, but it felt like this place.’

He sounds relieved that I’m taking him seriously.

‘Did I make you mac and cheese then too?’

‘No. Thai green curry. From scratch.’ He kissed my shoulder.

‘Dream me was showing off. I can’t make that, Cas.’

‘It’s okay. That wasn’t the point. You made me get your beer out the refrigerator.’

I smiled at that.

‘Dream me had a good idea. I didn’t check for beer.’

He kissed my shoulder again, and walked across the kitchen, looking in the huge refrigerator and pulling out a couple of bottles. He passed them to me and I cracked them open with the built-in bottle opener, passing one bottle back to him as he sat down at the breakfast bar. He smiled, and raised the bottle slowly to his mouth. I went back to the food, which was pretty much done. I scooped it out into two bowls and found some forks, sliding his bowl to him and grabbing my beer as my phone started to ring. Sam. I picked up as Cas stuck a fork into his noodles, concentrating on his meal.

‘How’s the moving out going?’ I greeted him. Cas looked up, yellow sauce peeking out of his lips, He chewed slowly, and I forced myself to concentrate on my brother. He didn’t answer right away, and when he did, he was cagey.

‘Dean, I thought we agreed-‘

‘Put it on video call.’

He sighed.

‘Okay. Dean? You might wanna move your phone from your ear.’

I pulled it away, and saw Sam’s face on the screen. I studied the background, but it just looked like some diner.

‘Where are you?’

‘At dinner with Charlie and Becky. We’re taking Charlie home. They’re just using the restroom so I thought I’d check in with you, if you weren’t sucking face with Cas anyway.’

I looked over quickly at Cas, who was sipping from his beer bottle, his nose wrinkling in disgust. I am so sure he’s a girl-drink-drunk.

‘We’re eating too.’ I turned the phone around, so he could see as Cas scooped up some more noodles.

‘Hey Cas.’

Cas looked up, chewing slowly as his eyes focused on the phone. He swallowed, and swiped his mouth before he replied.

‘Hello, Sam.’

I turned the phone back, and raised my eyebrow at my brother.

‘See? We have self-control.’

‘One of us does,’ Cas muttered, before taking another mouthful of beer, and wincing again.

‘If you don’t like it, Cas, don’t drink it. And what does that mean?’

Sam started sniggering, as Cas shrugged at me.

‘It means I can restrain myself.’

‘Sure, Cas.’ I rolled my eyes, and he scraped his chair back, coming around the breakfast bar again and leaning over me, looking at the phone screen. He’s real close, like if I turned my head, I’d be kissing him. Sam started sniggering again. ‘Seriously, Sam, are you moving out?’

He stopped laughing, and Becky appeared behind him.

‘So you told him!’ She beamed, and wrapped her arms around his neck. He turned to look at her, and I risked a quick kiss. Cas smirked, but didn’t say anything about it, even though I was totally proving him right. He carried on watching my brother on the phone.

‘We guessed, Becky.’

She looked at me then, and I saw pity in her eyes. I hate being pitied at the best of times, but right then was total ass.

‘We have talked about it, Dean.’ Sam reminded me.

‘We talked about it as a maybe, you said you’d hold fire. I knew it, you always have to sneak off, or run away.’

‘Dean,’ Sam sighed, but he didn’t seem to have anything else to say. At least, not to me. ‘Cas? Can you please just talk to him?’

I hit the end call button, and let my phone drop onto the counter. Asking Cas to help was a step too far. He hesitated by my side, like he couldn’t work out if I was going to yell at him too. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. In the end, he settled for putting a hand on my shoulder, and I wrapped my arms around him tightly, burying my head into his chest. He held me back, stroking my hair, resting his head against mine. I don’t think I have to spell it out for him, why it hurts to have my brother move out, what memories it dredges up.

‘At least I have you,’ I said eventually.

‘You’ll always have me, Dean.’

I kissed his chest, and he carried on running his fingers through my hair.

‘We can cut this trip short if you want to, Dean. We could go over to Becky’s house and plead with him to reconsider-‘

‘No.’ I looked up at him. He was watching me with concern. ‘Sam’s made his choice. And we need this,’ I looked away from him, at the rental place. ‘Look, we’ll finish eating, I’ll make sure we’re totally warded in here, and then I just need like, five minutes driving time to myself, okay? And then when I come back, it’s all about us, no worrying about my brother or anything else for the entire time we’re here.’

He kissed my forehead and walked back to his meal, and I knew that was his way of saying it was okay by him. I made myself eat, though I wasn’t really hungry any more, and could feel his eyes burning into me the entire meal, making sure I wasn’t going to break down. My drive alone is going to kill him, I know, but I also know that it’s what I need.

*

I spent a lot of time thinking in the car. Trying to rationalise everything. I mean, I get it, Sam seems serious about Becky this time around, and she’s been less annoying than before. Tolerable. And I guess he’s giving a warning, unlike that time he ran away on my watch and stayed away for two weeks. Unlike when he went to college in a blazing row with Dad. At least he told me this was happening. And maybe he thinks it’s a softer blow because of what’s happening between me and Cas.

But even Cas and me … it’s different. I mean, I knew it would be different this time around, but it’s like he’s not as into it. Am I just reading the guy wrong? I feel like we’ve had a total role reversal and I’m the needy, lovesick puppy and he’s the cool, calm one. It makes me think he’s not interested any more, that we’ve done all this work and it’s for nothing. Even when I stopped off at a drug store and picked up a few supplies, I wondered why I was doing it when I didn’t think he was interested any more. But I was, and that’s why I kept making stupid decisions.

When I got back to the cabin, I found Cas curled up on the armchair in a blanket, reading a book. He was so still, didn’t even look up when I walked in. I took the stuff I bought into the kitchen, and separated out the food from the play stuff. Then I walked over to him, wanting to put my arms around him. Instead, I stood there deliberating as he turned a page slowly, his eyes glued to the book. I swear time stopped, while I studied him, really looked at him, and he looked at the book. His hair looks soft, swept to the side in a pitiful attempt at a parting. His mouth was moving slightly as he read, his lips looking cracked and sore. But they’re not, at all.

Eventually his gaze flickered up, and back to the book. He bit his lip slightly, before finally closing it and leaning back, looking at me with that concern again. And then he opened his arms, and I fell into them. He rearranged the blanket around both of us and snuggled close, playing with the hair at the back of my neck again.

‘How was your drive?’

‘Okay. How’s the book?’

‘Interesting. It’s a take on the Bible I haven’t yet come across. I found it on the book shelf over there,’ Cas nodded his head, and I looked across the room. Only my nerd of a boyfriend would read a book when there’s a huge TV to keep him company. ‘Are you feeling better?’

I shrugged, and he stroked down my face a couple of times, really gently.

‘Cas? Are we still good?’

‘Of course we are. Why wouldn’t we be?’

‘Because you’re not pawing at me, demanding too much from me.’

He kissed my temple.

‘You asked me not to, Dean. I’m trying to respect your wishes.’

I looked him in the eye.

‘You still love me?’

He grinned back at me.

‘Nothing could stop me from loving you, Dean.’

I closed the distance between us, and kissed him hard, needing more than just words for reassurance. He let me, kissing me back softly, still stroking my hair. I needed more than kisses, more than this gentleness that was going to tip me over the edge. I straddled him, desperate for some friction, and he leaned back in the seat.

‘Maybe we should find the bed?’ He whispered, even though he didn’t need to. I nodded, hooking my fingers into his waistband as I stood up. He came with me, the blanket falling to the floor, and I managed to swipe the non-food purchases as we headed up the stairs, and into the first room, which was luckily the master bedroom. I tossed the bag in, and began tugging at his shirt, so ready to screw him. He lifted his arms up, let me pull it off, let me touch his chest over and over as I started kissing him again. But he still didn’t feel as into it as I was.

‘Do you want me, Cas?’

‘Of course.’

He sounded surprised that I would ask that. But he didn’t push me on it, let me carry on kissing him, running my hands over his bare chest. His hands were in my hair, his fingers rubbing against my scalp, but his kisses still felt cautious.

‘Come on, Cas,’ I breathed at him. ‘Get in the mood.’

He stopped kissing me altogether, resting his forehead against mine. His fingers were still working my head.

‘Dean, maybe this isn’t a good idea. You seem … we should talk.’

I really hope when he says that, he is completely clueless about what those words mean.

‘You’re making me talk about things I’m uncomfortable with, it should work both ways. I know you use body language more, I understand that, but I think right now you need something other than sex.’

‘I think sex is exactly what I need.’

He stroked down my neck and pulled away from me, looking me in the eye.

‘I understand, you know. What Sam means to you, how betrayed you feel about it all-‘

‘We agreed we weren’t going to talk about that when I got back.’

He gave me his own version of puppy dog eyes.

‘I think we need to. I’m not going to leave you, Dean. I wouldn’t. I’ve been in love with you for a long time. And when you broke up with me and they took my grace? All I could think about was getting back to you. And Sam’s not trying to hurt you, either. I’m sure he thinks he’s doing us a favour, as well as helping himself. This is his solution to a lot of conflict.’

I tried to take a deep breath, but it didn’t really work. I could feel the tears in my eyes. He hugged me close, rubbing my back.

‘It’ll be okay. You’ll see.’

I felt him kiss my neck, and I almost broke. We stood, just holding each other in that bedroom for ages, his grip tight around me.

‘Let’s just go to bed,’ I said eventually. He nodded, taking his time to let go of me, watching as I pulled my clothes off and climbed into the bed. He pulled off his jeans, and joined me, still in his boxers, snuggling up close. ‘Since when do we wear clothes in bed?’ I asked him. He kissed my collarbone, and then I felt him shifting around, before he tossed them across the room.

‘Better?’

I nodded, and he cuddled in close again. I concentrated on his skin against mine, wishing that he’d just go for some physical relief. But I know he wouldn’t. He started playing with my hair again, massaging my scalp, and I closed my eyes, trying to embrace the tenderness. What I really want to embrace is him underneath me, panting desperately and clutching at me while he moans my name. I tried to catch at his chin, to make him kiss me, but he kissed my fingertips instead.

‘We have a whole week for that, Dean. Tonight, can we just enjoy this intimacy?’

Normally, I hate him using words like that, but tonight it feels comforting.

‘You owe me.’

‘Well, you owe me a top.’

‘Do I?’

‘You promised.’

‘I was trying to see if you were paying attention.’

‘It still counts.’

‘Nope, I said right then, at that moment. And you didn’t move.’

‘What would you have done if I had?’

He has me there and he knows he does. I cupped his face, feeling a little more relaxed.

‘I would have tried. I don’t break promises, Cas.’

He kissed my chest again, and I tilted his face up so I could kiss him properly. This time, when his mouth met mine, I didn’t feel any hesitation, and I knew he could feel me calming down. I soaked up all his attention, maybe clung to it a little. I tried to roll over, so I was on top of him, but he seemed to be all too aware of what I was doing.

‘Not tonight, Dean.’

‘Don’t you love me any more?’

He slid his hand down from the top of my head to massage my neck.

‘I love you very much and you know it. And you know I don’t think sex is love, so don’t even try that. I meant what I said, Dean, not tonight. I don’t think you could handle it tonight.’

I trailed my hand off his face, down his chest, aiming for his dick, but he caught my hand in his somewhere by his belly button.

‘Yes, I know, you can physically handle me. That’s not what I meant either. I don’t think you realise how much it showed on your face Dean. It’s all I’m going to be able to see.’

I sighed, and rolled back out onto the mattress. He still had my hand, and he squeezed my fingers gently.

‘I just don’t want either of us to regret anything.’

‘Mmmmm.’

‘Goodnight, Dean.’

He cuddled up on my chest again, and I rested my chin on the top of his head. I know he meant well, but would it really have been so hard to put out?

*

I woke up in the morning with Cas laying across my chest, my mouth buried in his hair as though I’d been kissing it as I fell asleep, my arms around him. He said the other day he wanted to wake up together, didn’t he? I couldn’t tell if he was already awake. I started stroking his bicep with a thumb, kissing into his hair, since I was there already.

It’s starting to dawn on me that I have a lot of time with just Cas coming up. I think I get why he was abstaining last night but for real, I just want to indulge. It’s not enough that we’re skin-to-skin right now. I want to feel him, tight and hot around me. I don’t know how he’d react to morning sex, after he was so adamant last night about not fucking me. It really didn’t help that stupid, vulnerable mood I was in. I’m on a mission today, to get him to have sex with me, somehow.

‘Good morning, Dean,’ he eventually mumbled, still sounding half-asleep.

‘Morning, Cas.’

‘Are you feeling better this morning?’

‘I’m good. Not as great as I could be, since my boyfriend wouldn’t do me last night.’ I couldn’t help the dig. He raised his head, and I moved my own out of the way quickly. He was giving me the stink eye.

‘I’m deciding to take it, from your crass analysis, that you’re more willing to let me top?’

He’s like a dog with a fucking bone.

‘You know what I mean.’

He smirked.

‘Would you like some coffee?’

I want to know what his damn game is. Is he holding out until I bottom? Does he think I’m holding out of doing it?

‘I’d like something hot and rich in me.’ I winked at him. I saw the small moment he allowed his confusion to show on his face, but then he was back on it. Game on, angel boy.

‘I’m temperate and have little money, so you can’t be referring to me, even if you were pretending to consider it.’ He sat up and stretched, then rubbed my chest with a knuckle. ‘I’ll go and make us a coffee. You stay here.’

‘Actually, I think I’m going to grab a shower.’

‘Fine. I’ll have a great image in my mind while I make your coffee.’ He smirked again before leaving the bed, going over to the clothes we left in a pile on the floor and pulling his boxers back on. I gotta admit, I liked watching him. He didn’t look back as he left the room, and I heard his feet shuffling down the stairs before I finally forced myself out of the bed, and into our room’s en suite.

We barely looked around the place yesterday, and after walking in to the huge bathroom, I feel a little guilty about that. There’s a lot of needless douche-y junk that I’ll be using anyway about, like a corner bath with whirlpool jets in it. And a double-deep shower lined with fake granite that I am definitely going to bang Cas in. I stepped into it and turned it on, setting it to warm and closing my eyes against the water pressure. Its like the thing’s massaging me. I used the shampoo and shower gel that were in there, and debated knocking one out. I have a morning situation, and Cas is probably going to continue to be a dick tease for a little while … I chose yes, picturing not his face or him exactly as I jerked off. More parts of him. Those cracked lips. The angle of his jawline as it met his ear from my perspective when I kiss his neck. The hint of hair on his chest, the way his skin wrinkles slightly around his pelvis, but just feels soft, like velvet … I braced myself against the wall, the water pounding against my side, and blew all over that over-priced shower. And then I washed myself off again, and turned it off, wrapping a towel around my waist and heading down to the kitchen myself. Cas was only just pouring it into cups.

‘Did you forget how to make it?’ I greeted him. He looked up, completely unfazed by my sudden appearance.

‘No. Becky showed me how, remember?’ He smiled, and then seemed to correct himself. ‘It is okay to talk about Becky, isn’t it?’

He has got to stop babying me.

‘Why would it not be okay to talk about Becky?’

He stopped pouring the coffee.

‘Dean, please don’t bury your emotions about this. I know you and Sam are fiercely codependent and for you this feels like he’s leaving the nest. You can discuss this with me.’

I picked up the closest mug to me, and took a hit of the coffee. I need it.

‘I’m not burying a thing. Sam and me are completely separate to what I think about Becky. She’s just, you know, his girlfriend.’

He added milk to his coffee, and about a thousand sugars.

‘You’re going to be bouncing off the walls with that,’ I told him. He looked at me and took a huge mouthful.

‘It’ll be fine, Dean.’

‘Uh-huh.’

‘Do you want to talk about it? About Sam moving out?’ He pressed on. I stepped towards him, slipping my arm around his waist, pulling him closer to me.

‘Nope. I want this week to be about us. We’ll worry about my brother when we’re back home, okay?’ I rubbed my nose against his. ‘Come on, I’m meant to be making you scream louder than ever. Wasn’t that what we agreed on the way here?’

‘Dean-‘

‘Cas, please. I don’t want to spend the entire time we’re away repeating the same old conversation, knowing that Sam’s made his mind up. I want this to be about us,’ I repeated. ‘Don’t you want that? To find out what we’re meant to be like together when you don’t reset my memory every night?’

‘I never did it once we got to Becky’s house.’

‘Not my point, Cas.’ I kissed him quickly. ‘My point is, we should be easy, this should be easy. But you’re always trying to overcomplicate it. Let things just happen.’

‘You’re the one trying to force sex here.’

‘Well, stop being so goddamn good looking and there won’t be a problem with that.’

He smirked, and finally took some initiative, kissing me back, leaning into me. I love the feel of his skin against mine. If this happens every day of the rest of my life, I’d be so damn lucky. But he ended it way too quickly.

‘I don’t want to spill the coffee,’ he muttered, and took another swig, I sipped my own cup, stroking my fingers along his back, and looking around at the cabin properly. The sunlight was streaming in through the floor-to-ceiling windows and out on the deck … is that a hot tub?

I let go of him, heading outside, determined to investigate. I put my coffee down on the little table and headed over to the tub, pulling off the cover.

‘It’s beautiful out here,’ Cas said behind me. ‘Don’t you think so?’

‘Mmmmmm, sure. Wanna try out the hot tub?’ I turned and grinned at him. He sighed, and shook his head.

‘You’re incorrigible.’

‘I don’t hear you encouraging me,’ I quipped. He sighed, and I turned on the jets, then let me towel drop and climbed in. Oh, man, so worth it. I leaned back and closed my eyes, letting the jets do their work, feeling myself start to float in the jets, and feeling myself start to relax. And then I felt his fingers sliding around my jawline, tracing my face gently, and he kissed my forehead. I opened my eyes. ‘Hey.’

‘Hello, Dean.’

‘You know, I bet the view of the lake looks even better from in here.’

‘I suppose it might,’ his hands skimmed down my throat, and onto my chest. ‘The view of you would change, however.’

‘Are you perving on me?’ I laughed. He kissed the tip of my nose.

‘You seem determined to make me.’

‘Honestly, as soon as I saw the hot tub, All I could think was getting in the hot tub. You should get in the hot tub.’

‘If I get in, will you stop saying hot tub?’

‘I promise nothing.’ I caught one of his hands up in mine, playing with his fingers. ‘Are you getting in?’

He sighed again, but he was smiling. And then he reached over and kissed me properly, an upside-down kiss like in Spiderman. I reached a hand up, rubbing the back of his neck, trying to tug him in already. He pulled away, laughing, still stroking my chest.

‘Fine, I concede. You’re insatiable.’ And then he kissed me again, and I felt him pull me along, over the rim of the tub, and I realised he was pulling his underwear off again. It really didn’t take much to convince him to get naked with me again, did it? I broke off the kiss and turned around, sinking into the water as he tried to hoist himself in. ‘Dean, would you please help me?’

‘Sure,’ I kneeled onto the submerged bench, and reached under his arms for some leverage. He scrambled up, and I tugged him hard, knowing we were going to end up completely under the water. As I went backwards, and he started falling on top of me, his eyes widened out and his mouth fell open, and I started laughing just as we hit the water. I got a mouthful of the stuff, just as his body slammed against mine. He pulled me upright, so we were both standing waist-high in the hot water, and waited for me to finish coughing.

‘That wasn’t the most graceful entry.’

‘That’s what she said.’

‘Who?’

‘I … never mind. Hi.’ I slid my arms back around him, kissing him properly. ‘Welcome to the hot tub.’

‘It’s pleasant,’ he decided. And then he splashed me. I tightened my hold on him.

‘Hold your breath.’

‘Why?’

‘Just do it. Trust me.’

He squinted at me for a moment, before he pulled in a deep breath. I did the same, then pushed my mouth against his, grabbing his shoulders and yanking him down until we were both under the water, making out. My lungs were burning and he was clinging to me tightly, and we surfaced before I was ready. He stopped kissing me long enough to suck some more air in, and then he was all over me again. I was all over him too, loving the way his skin felt against mine in the water. I missed us being like this, completely absorbed in each other. I started shifting him from the middle of the tub back onto one of the benches, sitting him down and climbing on top of him, straddling him. He pulled me tight against him, his hands slipping down to my butt. My hands were still on his shoulders, pinning him in place.

I’m so glad he changed his mind, or realised that I was being honest with him. I knew he’d want this just as much as I did.

‘I think I like the hot tub,’ he whispered, and squeezed my butt harder.

‘How much do you like the hot tub?’

‘Enough to cave.’

I knew I was going to win. I grinned at him, and he took a hand off my butt to splash me. I pulled closer, kissing him again, pressing closer up against him, moving my hands so that one was holding him by the scruff of the neck and the other was grabbing at his chest, and his were back on my butt. Things are progressing pretty quickly, all things considered, and I had to make a decision. I don’t think its even dawned on him that we’re in the wrong position for me to bury myself into him. So either I move and we start all over again or I make the effort and try to let him top like he wants. I trailed my hand down his chest, along his stomach, and then I reached for him. He moaned into my mouth. Yeah, that pretty much decides it.

‘Cas?’ I muttered against his lips. ‘Cas, I trust you.’

He smiled against my mouth, and carried on the way we were. Which is great and all, but isn’t he getting what I’m saying? I pulled away, and looked him in the eye.

‘I trust you, Cas,’ I said slowly, looking at him seriously, my fingers toying with him. I shifted on him a little, getting closer, making it easier for him to get inside me, and then I kissed him again, more forcefully, using my hold on his neck to make sure our lips were pressed together as I reared up, lining himself up with me. And then it felt like he got it, like he wanted to say something, but I was not letting go at that point. Talking would ruin my resolve.

I eased myself onto him as his fingers kneaded my ass, and I felt his groan ripple through my body as I slid down. I fought off my own moans, concentrating on giving Cas this. He started thrusting up into me, slowly getting the idea, and I couldn’t concentrate to kiss him any more. I pressed our foreheads together as I worked with him, my breath coming out in shaking gasps, and he actually fucking growled as we picked up speed. The water was sloshing everywhere, slapping over the top of the hot tub, and I just concentrated on Cas. On the tip of his nose and those amazing lips of his, which were all I could see.

It wasn’t so bad, letting him in like this. It wasn’t as traumatic as I had expected. And halfway through he grabbed hold of me, working me in time with our movements. I blew just after he did, and then he held me in the warm water, his arms tight around my body, our foreheads still pressed together, his dick still inside me. He seemed to be waiting for me to speak, but there was only one thing that came to mind.

‘Cleaning this thing out is going to be a pain in the ass. I creamed in the water.’

‘Dean, sometimes I struggle to know what you mean with your colloquialisms.’

‘My man juice?’

‘Your semen?’

‘Well, if you want to get all technical about it.’ I grinned, and kissed him, then climbed off of him, heading out the tub.

‘So that’s it? No more hot tub?’ He asked.

‘Not for now.’ I reached down and grabbed his underwear, and my towel, and then I casually headed back into the cabin, wrapping the towel around me. I just reached the sliding door when he whined behind me.

‘Dean! Give me my underwear back!’

I looked over my shoulder and grinned at him.

‘Come get it.’

He frowned at me for a moment, and then scrabbled to get out of the tub, slipping slightly on the lining. I watched him, biting back a smile, and then realised too late how quickly he could move when wet. I ran into the house, him hot on my heels. He tackled me on the sofa, tickling me as he sought out his underwear. I was laughing hard, fighting him off, twisting underneath him so I could see him. But he seemed to give up on getting his underwear back, climbing off me and heading over to our bag. He unzipped it and rifled through the clothes quickly.

‘Cas?’

‘Keep them. I have more.’

‘Don’t get dressed. No one’s going to see you but me.’

He looked around at me, and tossed me some clothes.

‘We’re not animals. Humans wear clothes. So put them on.’

I shrugged my shirt on, and the boxers he’d thrown me, just to appease him.

‘You are the worst at romantic weeks away,’ I grumbled. He launched himself at me from across the room, wrestling me on the couch.

‘What was that?’ He smirked, grabbing hold of my wrists and pinning them over my head, both of us breathing heavily.

‘I brought the handcuffs,’ I gasped out. He raised his eyebrows.

’That’s not what you said.’ He moved his face closer to mine, his mouth just out of reach. He’s doing it on purpose, teasing me like this. ‘I believe you said I was the worst at romantic weeks away? Purely because I want to wear clothes?’

‘They look so much better off.’

He leaned closer, about to kiss me, and then he pulled away at the last minute. Why is he such a dick tease?

‘I thought humans liked the suspense that came with unwrapping their presents?’

‘We’re also very into instant gratification.’

‘Don’t I know that, with you.’ He shook his head. ‘Hey, Dean?’

‘Mmmmmm?’

‘Okay, I did have one question, now I have two.’ He started tracing a finger on my chest, near my collarbone.

‘Shoot.’

‘Why did you let me top in the hot tub? I mean, I’m very grateful that you did, but I know it reminds you of some unsavoury memories. You are okay, aren’t you?’

I nodded.

‘It wasn’t so bad, you know. I guess because it was you, and it wasn’t in a bed.’

‘But it probably won’t be a regular thing?’

I shrugged.

‘Let’s just see how it goes.’

He let go of my hands, shuffling around on the sofa to get more comfortable, and I moved my arms down, holding him closer.

‘And by that, Cas, I mean, it might not happen tomorrow. It might be okay for the whole week. We might swap about. I just don’t know.’

‘I understand, Dean. This time around.’

He tucked his head under my chin, and I held him close for a few seconds, enjoying the peace between us. I feel like we earned it.

‘Was that both your questions?’

‘No. What does that noise mean?’

‘What noise?’

He kissed my collarbone, and I guessed he was playing for time. I had no idea what he meant.

’That noise you make. That ‘mmmmm’ sound. I assume it’s a positive noise, but I have no idea what you mean by it.’

‘I don’t know.’ I didn’t think I made confusing noises. ’Tell me when I’m doing it and I’ll try and explain it.’

‘Well, okay. I said your name because I wanted to ask about you letting me top and you did it then.’

‘Maybe I just love the way you say my name.’ I grinned at the ceiling. He sighed.

‘You’re a terrible flirt, Dean.’

‘I’m an awesome flirt.’

‘As long as it’s just me you’re flirting with.’

I tightened my hold on him, and started mussing up his hair as I ran my fingers through it.

‘So, we’re good, right?’ I asked him.

‘We’re very good,’ he agreed, burying his head in my chest. ‘How are you dealing with Sam moving out?’

‘It sucks,’ I acknowledged. ‘But I get it. We’ll have more time to be like this, whenever we want. And it’s not like he’s decided not to be my partner. We’ll still be working together.’

‘And working with me.’

He sounds so hopeful.

’Not happening.’

‘Dean-‘

‘Cas, I just spent three weeks worrying about you, watching you and not knowing if you were ever gonna wake up. I just talked some angels out of killing you. If you think I’m ever going to do anything except keep you safe from now on …’ I didn’t know how to finish the sentence properly. ‘It’s not happening. And I like the idea of coming home to you. Of having someone to come home to.’

‘I like that too, Dean. But I’m not going to sit in the bunker, unable to see daylight, worrying about whether or not you’re safe.’

‘Okay, compromise. You can come along. Stay in the hotel room, help us with research. Be our phone guy - Sam’ll call you so we stay professional - and then at least we’re not half a country away from each other.’

He took ages to answer, and I knew he really wanted to sit there and argue his case some more. I mean, he gets why I’m trying to keep him safe, right? He’s an ex-angel and a total beacon for other angels, and demons. No one’s taking him from me.

‘That sounds fair. Can we compromise further and agree not to discuss hunting for the rest of the week?’

‘Sounds good. So long as we get a lot more of this.’

He laughed.

‘You know, this is all I ever wanted with you. This intimacy, this understanding.’

‘I know. I’m glad you asked for it. Eventually.’

He sat up a little, looking into my eyes and smiling big.

‘I’m glad too, Dean.’

And then he leaned down and kissed me, stroking my face gently. And even though I hate when Cas says it … it felt pretty perfect. Just me and my man, making out and talking with no concept of time passing. I get why people look for this. I know I’m damn lucky to have found it, and with my best friend.


	29. Chapter 29

*One year later*

 

Sam keeps fussing with my tie. Like, it’s the third time in ten minutes he’s looked at it, walked over, and tried to straighten it. I’ve given up trying to push him away.

‘Can you just relax? You’re making me nervous.’ I growled at him. He looked up, and then tweaked my eyebrow. ‘Sammy!’

‘Sorry, sorry,’ he held up his hands. And then tweaked my hair. I pushed him away again.

‘Really?!’

‘I’m nervous, Dean,’ he looked in a nearby mirror, and I watched as he straightened his own tie, rearranged his waistcoat, smoothed the lapels of his jacket and fluffed the flower on his button hole. Yeah, I can tell he’s nervous.

‘You weren’t this nervous last time,’ I pointed out. He bitchfaced at me.

‘Well, last time was very different. You’d better not mention our other wedding in your speech.’

I grinned at him.

‘You think I have a speech?’

‘Dean, please. It’s not funny,’ he smoothed his hair back. ‘Do you have the rings? And if you make a crappy joke, you’re out as my best man. You’ll have to swap with Cas.’

‘Sam, I love the guy and all, but really? Have you heard Cas give a speech?’

He bitchfaced harder, and I put my hand into my inside pocket, then pulled out the two rings.

‘Happy? Cas still walking Becky down the aisle?’

He gave me one nod, and then started pacing across the room. I checked my watch, and saw we had about ten minutes until we needed to go down to the chapel room, where Sam would get married. I still can’t believe he’s getting married again. To Becky, again. He was so happy when he told us, on a hunt near Albuquerque. Cas congratulated him, I was working too hard on not ripping into him over getting an annulment last time. And even though he said that, “of course” I was his best man, I don’t actually know anything about the wedding. Whenever Cas has asked, Sam’s just said the prep was going well. Except the one time he said Becky’s dad wasn’t well, and Cas got roped in to march her down the aisle.

‘So, are you and Cas out?’ Sam asked as he paced.

‘You just said-‘

‘Not like that, Dean. Do people know you’re a couple?’

I shook my head.

‘I don’t want to make it a big deal. We’ll tell some people, but not like a big announcement.’

Sam raised an eyebrow at me.

‘You’re telling people?’

‘Yeah, well, every time I talk to Garth, he asks about “the one”. I’m so glad you told him I said that.’

Sam missed the sarcasm, smoothing his hair back again.

‘So, the pink, was that Becky’s idea?’

‘It’s called salmon. And yes. So?’

I shrugged, and checked my watch again.

‘Should we go? You might actually be able to relax in the hall.’

I don’t think for a second that Sam’s going to relax until they’re declared husband and wife. Or maybe after he’s kissed her in public.

‘Is it time to go already?’

‘Nearly.’

He started breathing heavily.

‘Dean, I’m not ready, I-‘

I grabbed his shoulders, and looked him in the eye.

‘You can do this. You have done this. Except this time, I’m there before you say I do. Right?’

He nodded.

‘Right.’

I waited for him to calm the hell down, and then tried again.

‘Are we going?’

He nodded, not trusting himself to talk I guess, and we headed down to the room the hotel had given up for the wedding.

‘So, why’re we not in a church?’ I asked as we trudged down the hallway, trying to get him focused on some unimportant detail and then he can stop freaking out about the fact he’s marrying Becky.

‘Becky’s mom thought we should be,’ he breathed. ‘But Becky told me she didn’t want to think of the chapel wedding this time around, so we agreed on the hotel. If her mom asks, it was my idea.’

‘Lying to the in-laws already.’ I was impressed. We stepped into the elevator and stood quietly next to some guy in a business suit while we went down. As soon as we hit the lobby and started walking through to the function room Sam was getting married in, he started talking again.

‘What am I meant to do, Dean? I don’t want Becky to feel obligated with a church wedding, I don’t want her to have problems with her parents who are paying for the whole thing. And everyone says a wedding is all about the bride, right?’

I shrugged. I won’t ever really have that problem.

‘Talking about my bride,’ he suddenly sounded happier, much less nervous. ‘I haven’t seen it yet, but according to Charlie, her dress is so good that even you won’t be looking at Cas.’

I rolled my eyes. Sam and Charlie seem to be under this weird impression that, because I’m with Cas, I suddenly stopped understanding what there is to appreciate about women. I still enjoy the occasional Busty Asian Beauties. When Cas isn’t around.

We walked into the room, and everyone whipped their heads around to look, while we strode up the makeshift aisle. Becky’s side of the room is packed with people who’re chattering excitedly to each other. I never guessed it was a family trait.

Sam’s side is a lot quieter. Probably because there’s a handful of hunters sitting down, all checking their pockets surreptitiously and checking out Becky’s friends and family for possible hidden demons. Garth and Kevin were sitting up front, by a couple of other guys I’d only met once or twice that Sam had obviously gotten on well with. Garth flagged me down as we got to the front.

‘Hey, Dean!’ He grinned excitedly. He’s on the wrong side of the room.

‘Garth.’

‘So, do we get to meet her today?’

He looks really eager, and I know what he’s referring to, but I can’t bring myself to correct him.

‘Who?’ Kevin looked sideways at Garth, like he was afraid to join in the conversation.

‘Dean’s girlfriend. The One.’

I pinched the bridge of my nose.

‘Yes, okay, fine, you can meet.’

‘Where is she?’ Garth started craning his neck around, like suddenly some chick was going to jump up and declare that she was my girlfriend. I looked at Sam, who was biting back a smile. Yeah, this is real funny.

‘Focus Garth. Sam’s wedding, right?’

‘She must be a bridesmaid,’ Kevin piped up. I patted my jacket pocket for Sam’s rings. And then the other one, where I had my angel blade. And then I faced the front, trying to ignore them. Sam bent close, and whispered to me.

‘How does Cas feel, being thought of as your girlfriend?’

‘Funny. He has no idea.’

Sam patted my shoulder, and then the chatter on Becky’s side of the room changed, became quieter, and Sam checked his watch.

’Showtime.’

We both looked around, as the doors at the back opened, and the bridesmaids, including Charlie, started walking up the aisle. They were in the same pink as our ties and waistcoats, walking real slowly in their long dresses. Charlie grinned at the both of us, and the other two girls eyeballed Sam and me. And then Cas was walking through the door with Becky, holding her arm tightly and trying to keep the timing right. I fought the smile that came from seeing his attention to detail, as Sam nudged me. He didn’t speak, but I could see what he was thinking.

Last time, their Vegas wedding, Becky had one of those princess puffballs on. Like a little kid. But this dress was a little more adult, it clung to her more, didn’t stick out for miles. And she’s about to become my sister-in-law for the second time and all, but Sam was right. Becky looked good.

And Cas was taking his job seriously. As soon as they reached us, he unwound his arm from Becky’s, and pressed her hand into Sam’s. He gave her a small kiss, and gave me one small look before shuffling out of the way, standing by Charlie and the other bridesmaids. I forced myself to concentrate on my brother, and Becky, and listening carefully for when I had to give the rings over.

The guy marrying them was okay, kind of funny. I think he could sense Sam’s nerves, so he tried to work the crowd and make them laugh, but I know it didn’t help my brother to take a chill pill. He took the rings from me, and started with the vows, and I found myself looking past Becky and Sam, at Cas. He had a little smile on his face, watching them, until he must have realised I was staring. And then he stared back, while we heard about in sickness and health, till death us do part, all that stuff. And I admit, I was thinking of him, thinking about the past year we’d had together. I do feel this stuff when I’m with him, this whole be-there-for-each-other-even-when-it’s-shitty bit that they have to read out.

I almost missed the big moment, when Sam had to kiss Becky in public. Cas stopped looking at me, his eyes sliding over and that little smile creeping back in. I forced myself to look back at my brother, as he bent down and gave Becky a seriously tiny kiss. Although, from the whoops and cheers I could hear on the other side of the room, he may as well have bent her over and kissed her face off.

They practically ran down the aisle, as Cas looped arms with one of the bridesmaids, and another one was eyeballing me. Right, yeah, I have to walk one of them back the way we came. I tried to be the one to walk Charlie if I absolutely couldn’t have Cas, but Becky started talking non-stop about this cousin who would be offended if he wasn’t an usher and I zoned out and next thing I knew, I was paired up with this chick. She clung really tightly to my arm, and kept giggling as we walked back out the room.

So, that’s my brother’s wedding. He’s married to Becky for real this time. I should’ve paid more attention once my part was over, instead of hanging my every thought on my boyfriend.

‘So, you’re the best man?’ The girl next to me giggled, breaking into my thoughts.

‘Yuh-huh.’

‘I’m the maid of honour. You know, that means we should be hooking up. It’s tradition.’

‘Sorry sweetheart, I’m taken.’

‘I like a challenge,’ she grinned. Oh, great. I should’ve known when she got introduced to me as Becky’s best friend that she’d be creepy. The day just started dragging in front of me, knowing I still had to sit next to this girl at dinner, knowing that I couldn’t just go off with Cas. She leaned closer in to me, and I closed my eyes for a second. I just have to make it through dinner.

*

Of course, before dinner, there’s photographs, and the cocktail hour. Most of the guests have gone down to the cocktail room, but Becky’s parents, her bridesmaids, that weird cousin, Cas, me and the happy couple are stuck doing a bunch of different poses. And this time, I can’t even look at my man, because I’ll just wanna hold him, make out with him, take him back to our room and screw him.

‘Okay, Best Man, Bride and Groom.’

The photographer’s an asshat who hasn’t learned anyone’s names. But Sam and Becky don’t seem to care. They look real loved up, the way they’re constantly looking at each other, and talking quietly together. I feel like I’m interrupting something by being in the shot.

The photos took forever, and they were hard to stand there and smile through. I mean, I am happy for my brother, and he and Becky look psyched. But Cas was always just out of reach, and we couldn’t talk, and I felt completely frustrated by that. I know it’s my own fault.

But eventually, the photo shoot ended, and we all finally got to join Becky’s family and the few hunters Sam had invited in the cocktail room. I headed straight for the bar, and ordered a beer, leaning up against the counter as they poured one from the tap, and someone nudged me. Jody.

‘Hey Dean,’

‘Hi Jody. Looking good.’

She was. I’ve never seen Jody in a dress before, or heels, but she looked great. She smiled, and took a glass of champagne from the tray that was left out for the guests, and waited while I got my beer.

’Can we talk a second?’ She asked me.

’Sure.’

‘Not here. Over there,’ she gestured with her wine glass to an area that no one was standing near, and I led the way over, wondering why she wanted privacy. She looked up at me carefully.

‘So, guess it sucks knowing Sam’s married,’ I opened with. He always did flirt with Jody. She smirked, and shrugged.

‘Nah, I’ll still have fun with him, it’s harmless. I wanted to talk about you.’

‘Me?’

She nodded slowly.

‘I saw you in there, staring past Sam and his new wife. Saw who you were checking out. Saw them looking back in exactly the same way. You kept that quiet.’  
I looked down at my beer, half hoping that she was thinking I was staring at a bridesmaid. I know I said I want people to know, and I’m not ashamed of Cas at all, but still, the words don’t seem to want to come up.

‘Come on, Dean,’ she nudged my arm when I didn’t respond. ‘I’m not blind. And I’m a cop, I’m as good at spotting these things as you are. Have you been with him for long?’

I looked up at her, and she smiled back at me, that sideways one she gets when she’s being like a mom.

‘About fourteen months.’

She raised her eyebrows.

‘That long?’

I nodded.

‘Well, congrats, Dean.’

‘Really?’

I couldn’t believe it was going so well, even if I still hadn’t managed to say the words. She smiled.

‘Really. He looks like he’s crazy about you.’

I didn’t know what to say back to that. Thanks? I’m crazy about him too? It’s so weird to be talking with you about my boyfriend right now.

’Tell me something about him,’ she took a sip of her champagne, and I looked around the room, scanning for where he might be. I could see him talking with Kevin, and Garth sticking his two cents in. But Cas looked okay, nodding along politely and talking back. Knowing him, he was asking Kevin about the tablet. I smiled to myself at that and looked back at Jody, bending my head close.

‘He was an angel.’

‘You’re probably the only person I know who could say that and actually mean an angel, not some kind of compliment.’

Somehow, her saying that loosened me up a little, and I filled her in about Cas.

‘That’s Castiel? Your Castiel?’ She whisper-shouted at me, just as Becky’s weird cousin tapped a fork to his glass and called everyone through for food. Everyone started filtering through, and she caught my arm up, stopping me from joining the crowd. ‘If I’d known your Cas was so hot, I might have made a play for him.’

I smiled at her.

‘You’d have no chance.’

‘A girl can dream about having an angel of her own.’

‘Yeah, but most of them are dicks.’ I gulped down some of my beer, and had a quick brainwave. Jody was completely impartial, she’d have some good advice. ‘Hey, Jody?’

‘Yes?’

I took a deep breath.

‘Look, I want … I don’t want it to be a secret, Cas and me. But I don’t know- I’ve never-‘ I took another deep breath. ‘What do you think I should do?’

She shrugged at me.

‘Probably not a good idea to make a big deal over it at your brother’s wedding.’ She pointed out.

’Sam and Becky keep telling me I should. They’re a little over board about it.’

‘Okay … what does Castiel say?’

‘That it’s up to me. That for him, we’re together and that’s the most important thing. But he knows how I feel about it, so I’m the one who gets to decide.’

She got this weird, melting look on her face when I told her that.

‘Dean,’ she squeezed my arm. ‘Maybe you just treat him like you always would? Then people can work it out for themselves. It shouldn’t matter anyway, right?’

She made it sound so easy. I looked down into my beer, trying to picture just going over to Cas, grabbing his hand like we always do, maybe kissing him … in front of everyone here. I couldn’t do it, couldn’t cope with all the staring, all the judgement.

‘Hey, you know its food time, right?’ Garth came over and nudged my shoulder. I looked up from the beer, trying to shake off the image of people screaming in my face about kissing Cas. ‘You’re the best man, right? You’ve got to embarrass Sam horribly.’

Garth was grinning, and I shrugged.

‘Why does everyone think I have a speech planned?’

Garth fell apart laughing.

‘Sure, sure. Hey, so are you going to tell us about your girlfriend?’

I looked at Jody, and she just smiled and walked off. Thanks a lot, Jody. I cleared my throat.

‘Well, better get in there and fake up a speech.’

I started moving off, but Garth followed me.

‘Is she blonde? Tall? One of the bridesmaids? Give me something, Dean!’

‘I’ll gank you, how about that?’

‘I don’t get why you’re being so secretive.’

I sighed. He’s not going to leave it alone, is he?

‘Dark hair, blue eyes. Tall. Happy?’

I didn’t let him answer, pushing forward to taking my seat up by Becky. She beamed at me, and started babbling away, but it didn’t bother me. It was welcome, after the pressure from Garth. At least, it was until her friend took her seat, and started putting her hand on my leg. I turned away as Becky talked about how cute the room looked to glare at the chick, who smirked back.

‘Hey handsome.’

‘I really wouldn’t.’ I warned her. Becky leaned across me.

’Tanya, leave him alone. Dean’s a grizzly bear.’

‘Mmmmm, I like bears,’ she squeezed my arm, and Sam started laughing on the other side of Becky. I tried not to take it out on them, they’re all buzzed from getting married. I gritted my teeth and looked at the bridesmaid. Tanya.

‘I told you already, I’m with someone.’

’That old chick at the bar? Come on.’ She started rubbing my bicep, and I turned away, ignoring her pawing at me, trying to decide if I was more pissed off that she wasn’t getting the point or that she thought of Jody as just some “old chick”. I closed my eyes and thought of last night with Cas, before we had to separate to help Sam and Becky. The way we just stood for ages with our foreheads touching, his fingers squeezing mine tightly. Like I was breathing him in. I didn’t sleep properly, knowing he was in a different room. I kept reaching out for him and waking Sam up in the next bed. I haven’t spent many nights without him since that week in Wisconsin.

*

The meal was fine, even with that Tanya chick hanging all over me. I did have a speech, whatever I told everyone else. And I left out the part about Sam and Becky’s other wedding, since they whined at me about it. It was all good, but it made me think about how quickly the day was going, how time was flying by, and how long I had spent away from Cas. I hate myself for not being able to take Jody’s advice.

Everyone’s milling around, either dancing to the music or sitting around the room, talking and laughing. I’m in the corner, nursing a beer and hating myself for still not saying anything. I kept imagining just taking Jody’s advice, walking up to Cas and just being us. And I want to do it, but I just can’t make myself move.

‘Hey Dean,’ Sam broke through my thoughts.

‘Hey, congratulations.’

‘Thanks,’ he drank from his own beer, and I waited for what he wanted. ‘Nice speech.’

‘I know.’

He laughed nervously, then put a hand on my arm.

‘Look, I’ve been talking to Jody, she said you were struggling with the whole Cas thing. You know you don’t have to do anything, right? No one’s expecting anything, and he knows-‘

‘Yeah, I know. But I should.’

Sam nodded, and looked across the room.

’Becky wants me, I’d better go. Good luck.’

‘Thanks. Have fun.’

He waved and moved through the crowd, and I bit the bullet, approaching Cas, who was talking with Garth and Kevin again. Garth grinned huge at me when he noticed me, and I felt instantly wary.

‘Hey Dean. Cas was just telling us all about your girlfriend.’

That didn’t seem likely. Cas turned his head around to look at me, to silently promise he would never reveal everything without me being okay with it. I could see him out the corner of my eye, but I made myself focus on Garth.

‘Really?’

‘Yuh-huh. Pointed her out to us too, that blonde over there. She’s pretty, don’t know why you’re being so secretive about her.’

Garth’s doing my head in.

‘Cas? Can we talk a minute?’

I still didn’t look at him, even as I walked into a nearby corner. He followed me, and then I finally let myself look at him. He looked worried.

‘Dean, I didn’t say a word-‘

‘I know, I know. Of course you didn’t, Garth thinks it’s some chick.’

He looked relieved. And freaking adorable like that.

‘Then what did you want to talk about?’

‘Can’t I just talk to you?’

He gave me a small smile.

‘I’ve missed you too,’ he whispered, and looked over his shoulder to check no one was listening in.

‘I’m sorry, Cas. Believe me, I want to just tell people. Jody worked it out and she said we should just be us, to hell with everyone else, but-‘

‘It’s okay. I’m not going to pressurise you, Dean. I’m looking forward to going home, making up for lost time.’

He’s the best boyfriend ever.

‘I want people to know.’

He nodded, looking concerned now.

‘Take your time. And whatever you decide to do, I’ll do what I can to help.’

‘Thanks.’

‘It’s what I’m here for. Did you want another beer?’ He pointed to my near-empty glass.

‘I’ll go get it.’

‘It’s fine, I’ll get it, I want to look at the cocktail menu again.’

He held his hand out for my empty, and as his fingers hit mine, I stopped thinking. I reached across and kissed him, like I always do, and I only realised what I had done when his mouth was against mine. But God, I have missed him, needed him; and now I’ve kissed him, I don’t want to stop. I held the back of his neck, feeling him melt into me, and knowing we probably had an audience. But this was what I wanted, right? To have people know what Cas means to me, to have them know we’re in a relationship, and we’re happy together.

He pulled out of the kiss before I was ready, looking worried, like he wasn’t ready to deal with my reaction. I wasn’t ready to deal with everyone else, and the idea of him going to the bar and leaving me to deal with Garth made me feel a little nauseous.

‘I’m coming with you to the bar,’ I whispered. He nodded, and let me kiss him again. I don’t know if he could tell that I was stalling, but he probably could. He let me set the pace, let me pull away when I was ready. And then I walked with tunnel vision, gripping his hand and pulling him to the bar. He grabbed the cocktail menu with his other hand, and I pulled him close to me.

‘Have you ever tried a Long Island Iced Tea?’ He asked.

‘Nope. I need something stronger.’

He put the menu down, and put his hand on my shoulder.

‘It’ll be okay, Dean. Remember what Becky said? Anyone who has a problem with it, she’ll have removed.’

I squeeze the hand I was still holding, as the bartender came up. Cas happily ordered his cocktail, and a treble whiskey for me, then looked behind us as they started putting our drinks together.

‘Garth and Kevin are watching us.’

‘Figured they might.’

‘You’re going to have to talk to them some time.’

‘You know what I wanna do? I wanna drink this, and then I wanna dance with you.’

I looked at him, watching him process my words. He smiled weakly.

‘You want to dance?’

‘Sure, why not?’

His smile looked more genuine, and he reached in to kiss me, just as the bartender put our drinks down. I held up a finger to the guy, and let Cas maul me. The whole wedding thing couldn’t be over fast enough for me. I needed to get him upstairs to our room. But I knew Sam would kill me for ditching out even on the party, and besides, there were other things I needed to do before we could leave.

Cas peeled himself off me, and reached into his pocket for some cash, passing it over and grabbing his cocktail, sucking on the straw happily as I grabbed my tumbler.

‘Hey guys,’ Charlie pushed her way between us. ’So, you’re finally out?’

‘Out?’ Cas sounded confused, and I groaned as I knocked back some of the whiskey. Charlie ignored me and started babbling at him, explaining what she meant, and I knew I couldn’t argue over it. Cas was my boyfriend, and I wasn’t going to let him go anywhere, which meant I had to accept that people would assume I was gay. Which meant accepting that admitting I was with Cas would be seen as coming out. He wound his arms around me when Charlie finally shut up.

‘We’re just us,’ Cas told her simply. She rolled her eyes, even though the smile didn’t drop off her face. They get on better these days, but I always get this weird vibe underneath it all, like they’re still competing somehow. He pressed closer to me. ‘Do you wanna go dance now?’

I tipped back the rest of my whiskey, slamming the glass on the bar, and stood up. He slurped down the rest of his drink and grinned at Charlie, who shook her head back at him.

’See you guys later. I’m going to find my date.’

She started scanning the crowd, as Cas pulled me onto the dance floor. The music wasn’t my thing, but watching Cas try out the moves that Sam and I had caught the girls teaching him one day was worth it. He was grinning like he was so proud of himself for remembering it all. He bent closer like he wanted to talk in private.

‘I didn’t know Charlie had a date.’

‘Me either. But it’s Charlie, that girl could score anywhere.’

He looked around behind me, like he could spot the mystery girl, and I pressed closer to him, winding my arms around his waist. He smiled, and nodded over to the side.

‘I found her. I wasn’t expecting that.’

I turned to look over my shoulder, where he was looking, and saw Charlie hugging some blonde girl. Some blonde girl who turned out to be Meg. I tried to resist the urge to run across the room and gank the bitch.

‘Dean, leave it.’ Cas whispered at me.

‘You’re right. The room’s full of hunters, it just takes one to work out there’s a freaking demon around.’

He grabbed my chin and pulled me back around to face him.

‘Don’t go telling people. Sam and Becky would hate there being any issue.’

I hate when he’s so reasonable. I made myself concentrate on dancing with him, and not the fact that my best friend invited a total hag to my brother’s wedding. He relaxed after another song, and I started to get over it too, just focusing on him. I don’t know what I was so worried about, everyone’s left us alone. Half of Becky’s family haven’t even looked at us, and when I finally looked back over at Garth, he just grinned and winked at me. Like he knew all along it would be Cas. Which is total bullshit, he never would have called it.

The music went quiet, and everyone on the dance floor looked around at the DJ booth. Charlie had grabbed the microphone, and was grinning like she was so pleased with herself. I really hoped she wasn’t going to declare undying love for Meg or something.

‘Hey everyone, hi!’ Charlie babbled into the mic. ‘Um, Sam and Becky and me, we’ve picked the next song. We wanted to dedicate it to the best man, so Dean, enjoy this one.’

I’m going to kill them all. The music started, some slow tune, and Cas cuddled closer, making me sway in time with the music. I made myself refocus on him.

‘Why do you think they picked this song?’ He whispered. I rested my forehead against his.

‘I don’t know. I don’t care.’

He nodded, and I could tell he was listening to the song for some hidden meaning. The guy’s singing about some chick, so unless they’re calling Cas a girl, I got nothing. Except … they know what I have planned. This is probably them all hinting that I should get on with it.

The song hit a line in the chorus, and I totally got why Charlie had dedicated it to us. Cas leaned away from me, cocking his ear slightly.

‘Did he just sing about loving angels?’

‘Yuh-huh.’

‘Well, that’s inaccurate.’

Cas never got his grace back. He says it’s okay, that he doesn’t miss it anymore, but I think he does.

‘People still call you my angel, I guess that’s what they were going for.’

Cas sighed, and snuggled back in my arms, and it was nice to just spend a few minutes wrapped in each other, swaying to the music, completely uninterrupted. I knew it was time. Forcing myself not to freak out, as the song went to the musical bit, I tried to play it off casually.

’So, weddings aren’t too bad.’

‘I’ve enjoyed myself. Sam and Becky are very happy together.’

‘Yeah. So are we.’

He raised his head to look at me, smiling innocently.

‘Of course we are.’

Okay, I need to pull myself together.

‘Maybe we should do this.’

He was still smiling, but I could see the confusion in his eyes. I shrugged, like it was no big deal.

‘I mean, maybe we should get married.’

The confusion is still there, the smile’s still fake. He can’t tell if I’m serious. I reached into my pants pocket and pulled out the ring box, flipping it open.

‘Castiel?’ I took a deep breath in. ‘Will you marry me?’

He stared at me, the smile fixed in place. I couldn’t read his expression well, which probably meant he was thinking of a few things all at once. I tried to stay calm, and not panic. He obviously needs a few seconds to process it all.

‘Pardon?’

Don’t freak out, don’t freak out, don’t freak out …

‘Will you marry me?’

His eyes flickered down to the ring in the box. It was my mom’s wedding ring, and one I used to wear all the time. The ring box came from Sam. It made sense at the time, because I’m asking him to be part of the family. 

‘It wasn’t an option-‘

‘It’s an option now.’ I’m trying my best to keep my frustration down, but I know I was too short with him just then. He looked at me for a moment, then back at the ring. It’s agonising waiting for him to answer. ‘Cas? You can say yes any time you like.’

He smirked, and carried on studying the ring. Does he know what he’s doing to me? I looked over his shoulder for a moment and saw Sam watching us. He mouthed something at me and I shook my head back, letting him know that I was still waiting. He puffed his cheeks out, like he had nothing. I focused back on Cas.

‘You want to marry me?’ He finally asked.

’Standing here with a ring, asking you. Yeah, I want to marry you.’

He looked at me properly, his expression serious, those blue eyes looking so deep. I licked my lips nervously.

‘I didn’t think you wanted to.’

I can feel myself start to sweat. I never sweat. I took another deep breath.

‘Sam and me, we’ve been talking about it lately. It makes sense.’

‘It’s a big commitment.’

‘Maybe, but I said yes to you a long time ago now. It’ll be like having a party for a promise we made ages ago.’

He nodded slowly.

‘So? Are you going to answer ever?’

He gave me a smaller, genuine smile.

‘I said yes ages ago too.’

‘So … yes?’

He laughed, and slid his fingers along my neck, into the edge of my hairline.

‘Yes, Dean. I’ll marry you.’

I kissed him, feeling relieved, and he kissed back for a few moments, before laughing again.

‘Are you going to put that ring on my finger?’

I kissed him again, before grabbing his hand and sliding the ring on, tucking the box back in my pocket. He looked down at his hand happily, and I watched him taking it all in. His eyes flickered up to mine, and he grinned at me.

‘I can’t believe … did you really …’

I pulled him closer, kissing him hard. I knew Sam and Becky would descend on us at some point soon, Becky wanting to see the ring and chattering non-stop about wedding ideas, and Sam just punching my arm before watching his wife. So I was going to make this moment count for as much as I could. And besides, Sam and Becky still have to cut their cake, and do something with Becky’s flowers. It was still their wedding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone who read and put up with my long pauses between chapters! I hope you enjoyed it x


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